Discovering Bella's alive
by pied pipper
Summary: Carlisle and Esme go to UK on a medical exchange. They find Bella 20 years after she was abducted by the Volturi. Find out what happens as Bella's integrates back into their lives.
1. Introduction

Please note none of the Twilight characters belong to me they are all Stephanie Meyers wonderful creations.

Introduction

Carlisle POV

We left Forks about a year after Bella's father died and moved twice since; none of us are really settled after her disappearance. We know the Volturi are involved with her kidnap which made it hard to keep Edward from going searching for her, Alice's visions every time he decided to go over to Italy in the first year after she went missing always ended up in the annihilation of my entire family.

At least her visions of Bella prove some comfort that she's still alive, we just don't know where she is, we have every contact and friend searching nearly every continent for signs of Volturi activity and Bella's presence but nothing for getting on for 20 years.

Alice has a strong emotional tie to Bella and two weeks after Bella vanished she could not move her neck for getting on for a month, the pain and discomfort was unbearable, she had a phantom pregnancy which upset Esme and Rosalie eight years ago, that was an interesting 9 months I am very surprised Jasper didn't take Emmett's head off with the tone of his comments and three years ago while out on a hunt with Jasper she went into sympathetic labour for 14 hours all linked with Bella.

The last vision she had of any noticeable force was a year and a half ago it sent Edward virtually catatonic, as he saw what was torturing Alice who was reliving what was happening to Bella, from what Alice would say about it she was assaulted by two men and she had to save the children from the same, she could taste lots of blood and was in a lot of pain for a while afterwards, she screamed several names out at the height of the attack one was Edwards. It has been difficult to come to terms with not knowing where Bella was to go to her aid.

My need to check on her physical condition was echoed by many of us. After the last vision Edward's been on a crusade of sorts searching hospital and police databases for case notes similar to those of he saw in Alice's vision but has come up with nothing. He's removed himself from the house now unable to cope with our thoughts and Alice's visions. We've helped him build a cabin in the mountains where he dwells surrounded by everything Bella ever owned, he's rebuild her bedroom as it was on the last day he was with her, it's very hard for any of us to visit as the reminder of how much she meant to all of us is so great there, but this is Edwards way of dealing with his loss.

He has not asked us to end his life, Alice is always looking for signs of him making that choice after the last time, we are grateful of Alice's patchy and painful visions for this one fact, the girl lives and as long as she continues to do so, so will my son.

The year rolled on and Esme and I have moved to the UK as I've secured a year's medical exchange with UK hospitals, I work nights in the summer months, which plays nicely with my counterpart's hands as he'd rather party at night, especially as we were moved around three London hospitals, before being sent to Cardiff, York and Glasgow all of which had great night life for a single male, how he kept up with his studies I will never know but he is not my concern.

The winter came and I'm worked days which was fine as was in work before sun up and its dark when I leave, hunting is interesting, the choice is not vast compared to the national parks back home but we took advantage of long weekends and flew to Europe anywhere but Italy but mainly Germany and Russia.

My colleague and I have just been moved to the West Midlands and I've got a placement at the Children's Hospital in Birmingham for a month before I go to the Heartlands in the New Year. This placement pleases Esme, she still loves children, I just wish I could provide her with one of our own but this cannot be and our adopted family is quite a handful at times but the year off is doing both of us some good. She has acquired a job as a play assistant a few afternoons a week and is loving it, its so nice to see her smile freely.

She came to me concerned about a 2 year old who arrived after having a seizure, she is by all accounts a regular visitor from what she gathers from the nursing staff, I think what makes this child so interesting to her is she looks very much like Bella, her brown eyes, skin tone and features are so strikingly this child is even name is Alice, Esme is missing all our family as its getting close to Christmas we normally share the day together taking advantage of the lack of human activity where we live. Esme has not seen the mother to make any comparisons but her scent is interesting she works in another City but the child always has some member of the family with her it is so obvious she is very much loved. I will keep my eyes and ears open I hear her mother comes in straight from work for the child's evening mean and bed time.

_Let me know your views, it would be intersting to see what others think._


	2. Finding Bella

Discalmer - All cast of Twilight belong to Stephanie Meyer not me, the new characters are mine.

Who knows what you think if this. do I give a dam?

Finding Bella

Carlisle's POV

I was part way through the afternoon rounds with Doctor Silversmith a very knowledgeable gentleman in paediatrics, Alice thought it may be beneficial for me to gain some knowledge in this area but she would not say why. It's always worth doing what Alice suggests she has never once failed and it not be of benefit.

We were just discussing the options of chemotherapy with a 10 year old boy with leukaemia and his family, although it seemed that playing the boy at Supermario Cart seemed to be all Doctor Silversmith seemed to focus on, he had a very unorthodox way of talking to his patients and every time he crashed and started again he'd make some comparison to how the boys treatment was working on his bone marrow, it was fascinating to watch the boy was not at all afraid as when they started the conversation and seemed to understand the keep trying get up and give it a go scenarios the game was offering.

I needed to get to the next ward before, I heard one of the Sister Green on the next ward call Mrs Graham to the nurses' station she was here the woman who's scent was similar to Bella's. I must not get my hopes up, in all my years I've come across two scents that are so similar it's hard to tell them apart unless you get them in the same room.

At last the game was over and we checked up on our last five patience before heading to the ward I most wanted to be on. As soon as we left the ward we crossed the path of scent, it was strong, floral and much as I remember belonging to Bella, I followed my nose through the door and could see its path towards the side room which was temporary home for Alice.

She was separate, as the child is very fearful of strange men. It was a difficult afternoon when I was first introduced she screamed at me so much at both Doctor Silversmith and myself the examination was postponed to a later shift and doctors she knew. The reason for her fear is that the family were attacked quite severely and as a result this child and that of her elder sister is in the balance, Alice has only recently started seizures which are direct result of her head trauma and the blood clot on her brain which is not quite inoperable but there are some major motor functions in that area which if damaged could cause instant death or the child have some kind of impairment but we won't know until we operate which the mother dead against.

The ethics commission have investigated and are taking the mothers side for now as the children are not in pain and as a single parent it will be difficult to look after one if not both of the girls, as they both have the same condition of varying degrees courtesy of the attackers treatment of them.

This kind of thing makes Esme angry, after she lost her child she has been a staunch believer that anyone who hurts children should pay the price, she has abstained all but once when she inadvertently killed a man who she found abusing a young child, this is why she's could not be angry with Edward when he had a bout of teenage rebellion and took to human blood killing murderers and rapists. It was hard when Alice had her vision he'd killed men who did that kind of thing and if it was happening to his fiancé when he could not protect her he wanted revenge.

At last we made it past the nurses' station, the voice from the room was distinctly British well spoken but the tone in the females voice was so similar to Bella's I needed to look. Luckily Doctor Silversmith had good news for this little girl she was to be discharged, it would take some time to complete the paper work and he was making headway into it before he started the rounds so the mother could take her home when she left. He liked to discharge patients' this way, I agree it did save a lot of coming and going for the parents.

He finished his part of the paperwork handing it over to the ward sister to complete while we made our way round the ward and saw our patients. I was constantly listening into the conversation Mrs Graham was having with her daughter, discussions of Christmas and what they will do this year if she were to be still in here, the child did not want to stay but by the end of the conversation she was starting to look forward to having Santa Claus visit her in hospital.

At last we were outside the door, a knock from Doctor Silversmith and a silly walk into the room had the child giggling away. He completed his strange checks looking at the bed and wardrobe before turning his attention to the child. Who let him examine her and who also let me come close and make an assessment.

I wish I'd been on this ward round a few days ago rather than this being my first. The scent from the woman was that of Bella, her height was similar and if you account for twenty years of human life passing by age, children her body shape could also be that of Bella, she bit her lip the same and fiddled with her hair in a similar way to how Bella did when she was thinking of being distracted.

We made eye contact, when Doctor Silversmith introduced me in a dismissive way "Ah this is my new assistant Doctor Cullen he's an American don't you know" to Alice he continued "he's treated Mickey Mouse for an ear infection, you should ask him about it" as he said my name this woman's head flicked round to mine faster than any of the other parents on the ward did except none of them made eye contact like she did, she stared wide eyed then laughed at his joke looking away with an expression of what I can only guess to be shame.

Her hung head looked sad as she put one of her hands over her mouth and face to shield it from view, she had blue eyes not the deep brown ones and her face was a different shape but as she turned her head I could clearly see the incision scars and cheek implants.

Our time with the Grahams was over and I did not have chance to talk to her, this would have to wait, I'd get her address from the records and go and visit or call her, I let the ways of getting in contact float around another part of my brain as I listened for comments the nurses made after we left patients, one thing I will never get over is how desperate nurses are to get with a married man, Doctor Silversmith is only three years older than my human age, yet their attentions are on me.

Before we left Nurse Green came and gave Doctor Silversmith the discharge papers he was so happy to send Alice home for Christmas the little girl squealed with delight very much like our Alice does when she gets her own way. We left and I focused on my examination of the eight year old with the fractured pelvis in the next room when I heard Mrs Graham speak to me or at least I think to me, she sounded shocked as she whispered.

"That was Carlisle my dear, the best doctor I know. I think he can hear me, if it is Carlisle that is.. I'm not sure I'm hallucinating or my brain is playing tricks after so many years.. Wow" there was a brief exchange and I heard the sounds of the child being dressed and her personal effects being bundled up. From the phone on the TV console I heard her ask someone to collect Bea as she was going to be late as she was bringing Alice home, there were words of joy from the other woman and an arrangement made that Bea would be taken to this friend's house.

"Carlisle, is that really you" I heard whisper "I guess if it is you can hear me, I'm so very sorry for what I did, please forgive me" what did she do, this girl/woman did nothing she was taken and a human is powerless against the Volturi she is luck she is still alive. "Do the Volturi know your here? How can you answer me" she continued, the Volturi no not to my knowledge but she was right how to let her know I was who she thinks I am. I moved made my excuses from my mentor and head to get a fresh pen from the nurses' station making it has stopped working, this got me away for enough time to let her know.

I heard the zip on the bag and them say the nurses enter the room to say good bye as was the tradition. Dam too late, I looked into the room from the nurses desk having grabbed a pen from the pot, the woman was looking in my direction I saluted her with the pen and nodded hoping she knew I knew I could hear.

As she turned away to look in the already empty cupboard she whispered "I don't know how you found me, if it's safe and only if it's safe look me up" my shift was over and I was on a break I managed to coordinate my exit from the Doctors Office with that of them exiting the ward. I volunteered to take the bag for Mrs Graham the premise being to the car saving one of the nurses freezing in the December air I fabricated that I needed to get something from my car, humans invariably believe me when I need them too, one advantage to being what I am.

I took the bag from nurse Grace's hand without waiting for an answer and escorted Mrs Graham and sleepy Alice to the lift in silence. As soon as the lift door was closed she looked at me and apologised so profusely it was as if she wanted my wrath "what have you to be sorry about Bella"

"Oh its Emma sorry it gets spelt wrong sometimes" she covered for the child's sake, "I'm the reason Alice and Edward died" the little girl looked at her mother "I'm Alice" she smiled and replied that there was another Alice who she is named after the child settled into her mother's shoulder pleased with the answer, as was I she named her child after us, I'd seen Esme as one of its middle names, that would warm Esme's heat and Alice's too.

I shook my head, "they are not..." I didn't say the word again in front of the child "why would you think that?" I needed to know, it looked like she had carried this guilt for many years.

"I can't talk" and she nodded her head towards Alice, I understood. "I'm sorry and I don't blame you for being angry with me, what I did to your family was stupid and thoughtless"

At the car she put the child in its seat as I placed the bag in the trunk and we stood in the early evening air alone in the car park. "how can I find you" I asked.

"do you want to after what I did?"

"Of course, your still family no matter what and Esme would not be pleased with me if I did not find out" I said trying to lift her sprits

"Esme's alive" she said with a look of wonder on her face

"yes why of course we all are..." I said and then added as it felt good to know she knew our secret "After a fashion"

She had a smile on her face and a flash of life back in her eyes, "Edward's not dead, they didn't kill him"

I shook my head "you didn't answer my question earlier, what makes you think you killed Alice and Edward?"

"its not right to say it here, in the open, I need to get home to get Bea before it gets too late, if your sure then I'll see you later" she said.

She told me her address, I established that she lived alone and would be that evening except the children, I explained when I would get off my shift and promised her that Esme and I would come after 9pm when we would talk more. I gave her my handkerchief to wipe her tears away and I watched as she drove off the parking lot and out of sight.


	3. Meeting Bella

Meeting Bella

Carlisle's POV

We arrived at address, Esme was so nervous she changed her dress three times and I lost count of how many times she did her hair before leaving it down framing her beautiful face before we finally left, she made me stop by a grocery store to pick up flowers and tissues making me later that I wanted to be, I knew Bella needed to sleep with two children and a job, rest was what she needed most not us asking questions about the last twenty years.

I was impatient to find out as much as I could before Alice invariably picked up on our decisions and called or worse sent everyone over to meet Bella, I needed to make sure she was safe and comfortable with a house of invading vampires before it happened, if Edward found out he'd be on the next flight that I knew for sure, I'm grateful his cabin is at last out of range for his gifts and his mood the last 15 years has made him keep his phone off after he got so annoyed with Alice when she explains her latest vision.

I killed the engine to the Mercedes outside the Victorian terrace, we sat in silence listening, we could both hear the humans going about their evenings business as clearly as if we were in their homes with them. The only house Esme and I were listening in to was the one without voices. "The Children must be asleep then" Esme said "their hearts and breathing sound at rest" I smiled listening closer to the fast pasted heart beat which was furthest from us, other sounds of clattering in what sounded like the kitchen "she is cooking" Esme piped up, how silly of me to omit this calculation, she needed to eat as well as get home, fetch her daughter and get them to bed, I forget the human speed for doing things when I cannot see them.

Esme's hand clutched at mine in the darkness as we surveyed the street where she lived, it was a little too urban for our liking but for a guard to hide here the hundreds of temptations would be intolerable and he would draw attention to himself, Esme squeezed my hand again and nodded to the house next door the sign said 'To Let' I knew what she was thinking but this was a heavily populated area and ability to blend in with humans may be easy when we dwell separate to them but this close, when they can watch our every move like being in a goldfish bowl to coin a phrase was not a good idea, I shook my head but could also see the advantages of being next door.

"give it time Esme, she thinks she killed Alice and Edward, she seemed surprised to hear you were alive too, let's just be patient, we do not know much about her life these days" she agreed with me reluctantly, she knew time would help everyone even Edward who would if he met her have to get used to the idea of Bella having been married and be the mother of another man's children. He made a comment once when I was helping him sand the floors that he wanted them so smooth children would not hurt themselves, it was a very poignant comment to make he loved and missed her so much.

21:00 flashed on the clock in the car, Esme was out of the door before I had chance to blink, I followed her at a more stately pace, the sign on the front door indicated that visitors use the side door, this was intriguing and awkwardly we walked the drive way to the door. Through the window we could clearly see Emma, from the back it was Bella in so many ways, I had warned Esme about the change in eye colour and her implants to her cheeks so she would not stare too much, they changed her face considerably, she was cooking, we could both smell the curry she was attending.

Esme grabbed my arm as Bella turned round and got water from the kettle, her gasp although inaudible to human ears made Bella stop, she stared out of the window into the dark and cocked her head in a very Edward fashion and returned to pour the water. Before we took the final two steps to the door Esme took advantage of the dark and checked out the empty house next door, the back of the house went in to open ground used for growing vegetables by the looks of it, the house next to that looked empty but the scent of a human was evident everywhere so work was happening on this property too. She cocked her head at me and I knew it was going to be an argument I'd loose so I just kept quiet.

When my wife returned to my side I knocked the little white door, her heart rate went through the roof we needed to be careful there was no telling what our visit may do to it and Edward for one would not be please, if her demise was due to a heart condition, she was overweight and the likely hood of this happening was greater.

It was awkward hugs all round, an exchange of pleasantries and then we stood in that awkward silence not knowing what to say, Emma looked like she wanted to say something as she found a vase for Esme to arrange the flowers. She cleared her throat in the way we both remember Bella doing when she wanted to say something which may be construed as controversial but very sweetly she said "I'm going to ask this once, and please forgive me cause I know you don't, won't but if I don't ask I'll go mental with guilt" we both looked at her for a second Esme's speedy comment for my ears only was about her British accent it was very strong and there was no trace of her former enunciations "would you like a drink" we laughed which broke the idea and Esme did what she does best replied.

"That's very sweet of you dear, but we are fine thank you, but don't let that stop you carry on, it smells lovely" as she looked over at the stove and watched as Emma turned and finished making herself some English tea, I could tell Esme was watching her every move to make her another just how she liked it, my wife was always wanting to help and physical help for Bella was something she knew she could offer if nothing else was acceptable.

We sat at the table with Emma as she ate her curry, Esme's comment to me was that she can cook really well, I was never under the impression Bella was anything but competent at cooking and other human tasks, it was just my wife refusing to let the girl cater for herself. "she needs to eat more vegetables" was another of the passing comments when she headed off to make Emma a fresh tea as we headed to the front room, while the kettle was boiling I knew Esme could not resist the call of the children I heard her she dash upstairs and looked in. Her sigh made my cold still heart ache to provide her with ones of her own.

"So..." Emma started when Esme handed her the hot mug "you're not dead then, none of you?"

"No" I had come to the conclusion we should be factual, Honest and not beat about the bush with the whole does she remember what we are problem as it is she already spoke to me when a human would not hear and her opening comment about drink proved enough for me that she remembers something at least

So I continued "we have not seen any Volturi since at least the battle with Victoria's Army but we could smell they had been to your house and ours which we can only guess happened while we were looking for you, family and friends helped put the house back to rights the afternoon you disappeared the numerous guests human and vampire no one would pick out a stranger, we had noticed several items were missing we went to look for them"

"What did the Volturi say to make you think we were dead?" Esme asked gently

Emma, winced and I seel she was thinking how to phrase her reply, there was never going to be an easy way to soften what the Volturi did or what she would have seen while held captive their tolerance for humans is virtually nonexistent. "I saw a video of the house in Forks, it was a mess, the flowers and everything for the wedding I presume Alice would not let me see, it looked like a tornado had torn through it"

"mm that was Edward, he was very... upset they took you" Esme replied apologetically, Edwards behaviour was understandable but was out of control it took four of us and Jasper to calm him enough to talk rationally with him.

She smiled then the color drained from her face making Esme look at me with concern "there was a fire, you know... like the ones when Victoria's army attacked it had purple smoke, I saw bodies, well your bodies being thrown on or at least I think it was you, was hungry and thirsty as they just left me witha pitcher of... " blood I guessed she was trying not to say from teh way she crinkled her nose "they kept me awake for days I was so scared, so confused I could have seen anything"

"No one hurt us my dear" Esme said soothingly placing her arm round Emma's shoulders with a blanket between them so she would not get cold and patting her hands.

"two weeks after that I woke up in the castle the receptionist would bring me food, one afternoon I tried escaped past her, they warned me not to try again but I did, I made it out of the window and onto the roof to the other side of the quad. I just was not fast enough to get into sunlight when I got off the roof. They chained me to the pillars on the balcony in that room you have a picture of and made me watch them... Alice.." she mouthed the name "they pulled her apart, I saw it with my own eyes this time it was her, I was there and I was given her coat before they.. set her alight, the coat smelt of Alice and there was a note in the pocket in her handwriting telling me to be brave no matter what, If I'd known they had her I'd have not tried"

"you did well to try and get that far, and what of Edward" I asked she hung her head as she answered. My wife scolding me for my pushy question when she was so obviously distressed.

But Emma took a breath "My family went to America for my cousin.. well Emma's cousins wedding, it was 14 years ago now I think. My memory is not as good as yours. I found the library in the mall close where they lived and it had internet access, I used it to search for you, I didn't find much, I had no idea where to start looking except the newspapers and school and Hospital websites. when I got home there was a box post marked Italy for me"

Esme rubbed her shoulder and handed her a tissue from the box she'd made the stop to get "there was a blue shirt much like the ones Edward wore when he left me to go for his stag night.. Oh Carlisle, Esme I'm so sorry it killed me, it smelt of him, it was armless ripped just as Alice's coat was and his gauntlet the one he wrote my name inside, he said never took it off, that's how I know. I tried to look for you and they killed him because of me" tears flowed silently and freely from her face, I was glad her daughters had fallen asleep so not to see her mother's distress as she shivered I put my arms up to comfort her and she pulled away.

"No Doctor Cullen please don't I killed them, how can you want to touch me"

"Bella, my child, you have not killed anyone. Both Alice and Edward are very much alive, please its Carlisle none of this Doctor Cullen business" I asked

We sat in silence as she sobbed away years of hidden private grief and elation that we were not dead and her friend and fiancé were very much alive.

We heard the neighbours grandfather clock chime 11pm and she bounced up wiping her face, "I've got to toilet Bea, sorry I forgot" she said as she ran well hobbled from the room, her ankle looked like it caused her pain as she moved I'd have to look into that, we heard the sound of water and the splashing of water on a face before she vanished up the stairs to her daughters room, we heard her wake the child and coax it out of bed, then heavier footsteps as she carried the child down the stairs and to the bathroom.

Such caring loving words of encouragement similar to those I heard her use with the younger daughter. She praised her and then refusing help from Esme she picked the child up as if she was no more than a small child not a seven year old and ran up the stairs returning her to bed. While we waited Esme washed up and cleared away the kitchen, she was struggling not to assist, I'm proud of her resilience so far but at least the washing up was done. We looked round the objects in the living room as we heard the covers being pulled over the now fast asleep child, she is an attentive parent she went in to see the other child and we hear the covers being adjusted and her whisper she loves them.

There were pictures and medical wrist bands on display for both children, we both spotted the names on them and Esme gave me a squeeze as she read Beatrice Elizabeth-Rose and Alice Esme on the name cards at the back, I kissed my wife's head as she revelled in her name and that of her children and Edwards mother, "she never forgot" was all she said, she'd have tears rolling down her face if that were possible as we comforted each other as Emma descended the stairs.

It was time we left her to get some rest, she had work tomorrow and as much as it pained me to say it I brought this meeting to a close, Esme is not at the hospital tomorrow and has scheduled herself to be here ready for when Emma and the girls get in, to help with bed time and to continue the reunion I will join them after my shift finishes. Emma seemed happy to have Esme's company which after the years makes this young woman just as special to us as she ever was.

Esme and I needed to have a long discussion about the future and what we should do for the best, when to tell Edward and when should they meet, Esme must have been thinking the same thing by the fast comment she said, "let's see what tomorrow brings, Edward needs to know soon" we bid our goodbyes leaving our cell numbers and taking hers including where she works which surprised us as we would have thought keeping a low profile would be in her best interest but I have to agree with her reasoning at least the Volturi don't have to come all the way to me to find out what I'm doing.


	4. Emma's House

Emma's Home

Esme's POV

I was so excited at the prospect of Emma and her adorable children spending Christmas day with us, I managed to reallocate the rooms, move the two spare single beds in to the room I think would suite the girls beautifully and order bedding and everything to make it a home from home in half the time I thought it would.

With Carlisle, his nose down in yet another book of medical and psychological study, I know he is as concerned as me about Bella's introduction to the rest of the family but she has never really followed any pattern the relationship between vampire and human is technically impossible and yet a bond has been made and not just to tolerate Edwards choice of mate.

I think as long as we stay calm and take things at her pace, make life as easy for her as possible it will all be fine, there are enough of us to cope with any outcome and at the end of the day Bella is alive, well and is living a life we know Edward would have liked her to have, and tried to give her if it weren't for their love for each other it would have worked, not to mention her taking a recreational dive, I just hope she does not do such sports now.

Oh I'm here, my head was so lost in thought I hadn't realised was parked outside her house. I'll sms Carlisle to remind him to go to work and let him know I've arrived, lord knows what I'll do but whatever it is I just can't wait all day to see her and those children again, I can hear one child getting out of bed. Oh my it's the youngest, she's climbed out the cot unaided, and with hardly any sound as she landed on the floor.

Ah so sweet, she's just gone to her mother, "morning mommy" is what she said. "milk" oh! no sound of Bella getting up or even making any kind of movement to get a bottle for the child, I'd best go so I can help make the bottle. I was at the door when I heard suckling sounds, she breastfeeds that explains the lack of bottles last night. That's nice, I barely remember suckling my own child, he was only with me for such a short time before... I am pleased she does this.

I can hear the other child, it's awake but not joining them. Ah the sound I want to hear an adult moving from room to room, Emma's just asked Bea to get up now and dress, that was her light I heard go on. Now is good time to knock the door.

It sound like the vault at the central bank as she unlocked and opened the door, "morning Dear I hope you don't mind, I'm here to help" I said kind of all at once my calm planned greeting going out the window as her scent and her smiling face greeted me, the youngest Alice I already knew from playing at the Hospital, jumped at me "Esme" she said with shiny eyes and happy tone "Come see my room" it was something we discussed while she was in hospital and drew many pictures of, as I was dragged in through the door towards the stairs.

I was glad when I heard Bella chuckle, "that's fine but I have work" she said, well I'd stay all day I said there are a few things I can do to help out with. For a start cobwebs, not that I told her, my pet hate she has an infestation of them and I want them gone. Next I think some major dusting in the girls rooms, children should not live with this amount of dust, I know its only that deep on the top shelves but all the same.

I helped Alice dress as Emma I must remember to call her that when she has company, it seems strange and her scent is conjuring up all my old memories of her life with my first son. She created their breakfasts, it seems each has something different, how a human remembers such things.. Ah well a note for me, Weetabix with 6Foz of milk heated for 20 seconds for Alice, Bea has Coco pops cold milk and Emma... I know she ate I heard her crunching and there was a dirty bowl in the sink but I never saw or heard her sit down to eat, she needs to do that or it will play havoc with her digestive system.

Dressed, ready for school, nursery and work I joined them on the walk to school, Emma explained she catches a lift with one of the children's friends to nursery and then on into work, it seems a nice arrangement to have set up. The weather is damp and cloudy and it's trying to snow. It pleased me that she made sure the girls were wrapped up for the weather at the end of the day.

School run completed and Emma and Alice strapped into the friend's car I headed back with the door keys, bringing the empty trash containers up the drive with me, she must have put these out after we left or someone did before I arrived. It's me and the cat now, he's pleasant enough he likes fuss which is very strange considering what I am. It should be me making him at ease not the other way round.

Right first things first, cobwebs, her hover is not up to the job of this house I will make sure she gets a new one at the weekend, dusting the book cases and shelves, actually the house is very clean, hardly any dust, it looks like the rest of the shelves were cleaned less than a week ago. Not to worry, it will soon be Cullen clean. I love the little hand prints on the windows but some of them are more like sticky smears I wonder where her vinegar is.

Ah well.. I've found the laundry powers and liquid I'll make a start on the baskets of dirty clothes, I recognise some Alice's from the Hospital, she really has been burning the candle so to speak, there are more clothes in these laundry bins I wonder what she finds clean to wear. Oh look her panties are still Victoria Secrets, Alice used to buy these for her.

I remember the lacy items she purchased to send in the honeymoon truck, I was not sure how Bella would react to them, but that's Alice always pushing the comfort zone or making the inevitable happen much sooner, those kids would have loved their time on my island no distractions other than their own, it was what they both needed. I know Gustav was a little grieved when he and his wife went to restock and clean the place to find it unused, we forgot to tell them in all the confusion after Bella vanished.

Well I'm done, I'm just waiting for the kitchen and bathroom floors to dry but we have a clean house at last. I've found her food, tins of baked beans, soups and a basket of vegetables all hidden at the top of the cellar steps, she as a lot of alcohol stored down there, her cheeks did not show signs of over drinking so I guess even with the depression she is feeling at the moment drink is not a vice.

Actually now I've given this pace the once over it is very nice, solidly build and virtually functional a bathroom upstairs would be more convenient and a front door without the gaps would make the room warmer, the curtain she has hanging is helping reduce the draft. The girls have plenty of toys, I'm wondering what to get them as gifts, there is not much space for anything large, one seems to like books her scent is on the pages of many of the ones under her high bed, in fact it looks like a little reading area similar to the set up Edward had in his room before he purchased his first bed for Bella.

Is it me or has she recreated aspects of her old life? From what she said last night she was made to forget as much of it as possible, I think she is smarter than the Volturi gave her credit for, she has a degree now I see from the picture of her in a cap and gown with an old man I assume to be a grandfather. I've found her photo albums of the children growing up, such charming sweet children and what horrific burses and marks they were left with after the attack.

I've been snooping around, in the attic I found a box with her maiden name on and I took a peek, I know, I know but I can't resist finding out about the last twenty years, I found a couple of tin's taped up tight but I know the scent of my children even after twenty years of stagnancy, she was right she was given items that smelled of Alice and Edward. I so wanted to break the seals to see what was inside, it took all I had not to instead I searched the box and the neatly bundled diaries.

It looks like there is one for nearly every year she's been Emma, I flicked through the first one and suddenly became aware of words, written in margins. 'Missing you' on another 'could do with a hug' in August 'it's too hot here, need you to cool me' on Christmas day there was a greeting, I flicked back to June 20th and there it was a little picture of a cake and EAMC written under it. I picked up another a couple of years later and the same this time with his age '111' I found the earliest diary I could in the box his birthday had a different inscription 'I hate it here, I want to die, I tried to day and failed the dam guard stopped me he caught me when I jumped from the church roof. I hate him, why didn't you change me, I'm so scared here without you I don't know what do to any more help me please'

I felt tears well inside me, her plea for help her need for him, it echoed my own for Carlisle when he is away from me for any length of time, it also hurt to know she made an actual attempt to kill herself, I was grateful for that guard but to know she was begging for us to find her pained my heart.

I spent another hour going through the diaries, I was not really thinking what I was doing being this nosy is not what I do but it was an insight in to her thoughts I found the year she went to America there is was the date she flew out and what and where she went just a normal diary then the day she came back. 'Oh Edward I am so sorry for what I did, I killed you, I am wrenched, I have now killed the two people who make my life worthwhile, Alice and now you, I understand now why you went to the Volturi to die when you thought I was dead. I want that now. There is no reason in this world for me to breath for my heart to beat'

The next entry was full of swear words, and hate for her guard again. It seems she must have tried several times to kill herself. The final diary in this box was ten years ago. I scanned the usual dates and found her wedding day, in such tiny writing 'I marrying today, I wish it was you, I will imagine it's our wedding day and you before me, I will smile and be happy but I'm not happy not how I was when I was with you, saying yes to Charlie is not like the feeling I had when I finally agreed to marry you, this is not right but what can I do, I'm lost here and need to survive somehow. Forgive me; you are always in my heart'

September 15th the date of birth for Beatrice, her name is clearly written, her weight and a note, he has agreed to let me call our daughter Elizabeth-Rose, I hate him for his comments over Alice and Esme but I can't tell him why they are so important to me. She is perfect just like you.

I closed the attic hatch with my head mulling over the entries I scanned, hidden deep in a draw I found the wedding album, it looks like it's never seen the light of day, I wonder if this is a sign the marriage was not amicable? With the comments I've just read and something she said last night makes me think she was better off when he died than if he lived, I wonder what we would do if that were the case? It does not bare thinking of.

Her seasonal decorations are very eclectic, some homemade. The little lights in the kitchen which came on, on their own make the room sparkle the children have made paper chains and they are everywhere, it looks like one long line of them loops the front room and there is a nice selection of cards and letters. lives of people I do not know but I have an insight into their year reads similar to hers of which there are a few on the coffee table, Vacations to Scandinavia for skiing, Germany and Holland, merit awards for Beatrice, her learning to ride a bicycle and pictures. Alex on cross country ski's looking cute in her outfit and a family picture, she has sad eyes in that picture but you have to look really close her smile is beaming so much it hides it.

Its late afternoon, I think I should cook something nice for supper; they will be home by six o'clock from what she said this morning. I noticed her chalk board has for today enchilada I wonder how she makes that, her array of cookery books should help.

I saw a box with enchilada written on its side in the cupboard, she's got a note on the box, must be a reminder to her father. _ Dad_ . U_se a sprinkle 1-2 tsp of spice mix it's too hot & 1 packet of tomato stuff.. Make four from one chicken breast, add veg if you want I do. You can freeze two – save the others for another day keeps ok for two weeks in zip lock bag. _Her father, there are other marks and notes I would think for him to follow to make this easy not that following these instructions is not easy it just looks like she has adapted them. I wonder when he visits.

Its dark outside and nearly 6 o'clock, I'm worrying about them coming home in this weather it's snowing really hard now, I need to disctract myself Emma is a capable parent. Rosalie and Emmett's plane should have taken off by now I will get Rosalie to help make the rooms up for Emma when she gets here tomorrow, they have with them some bedding and items from home I want here, I had a plan to jog Emma's memory a little. I hope Rosalie is in better spirits about Emma as she was when Bella was younger, it is a possibility as her main frustration was Bella's wish to be like us, none of us want to be what we are and would give anything to be human but she did make life difficult for Bella on occasions but at last she was honest with the girl.

Emmett will be so please to find Bella alive, he saw her as a little sister, he cared deeply for her and was so pleased for his brother when he finally admitted his love for another, even if that love was not expressed in quite to the same way as Emmett's version.

At last the sound of a vehicle slowing, outside and the sounds of jabbering children, do I switch on more lights or not? It seems may are on timers it made me jump to find them on when I came back in the rooms, she has this place set up to a treat, I must get some timers for home if she is staying the Christmas lights we have are all outside and the only light we put on at home is the porch one, the shutters hide any light leakage so we don't always bother putting them on after we have closed them.

Voices and footsteps came up the drive to the back door, the bell rang it was just the children, they were kicking in the snow and throwing badly made snow balls well more like handful's of snow at each other the snow here is not cold enough to make proper snow balls, I will teach them how to do it.

I got the door open before Emma could find her key and welcomed them all home helping the children out of their coats while Emma took her coat and boots off. She glanced around and looked a little embarrassed, I guess the place did shine a little and smell of cleaning products. "Thank you but you should not have" she said.

"My pleasure, if it's the only thing I can do to help, to say how sorry I am that we.." I lowered my voice, "find you sooner, then please don't think badly, it is a very nice house and you keep it in amazing condition considering" I watched her put the kettle on and look at me the same as she did last night when we arrived, I shook my head "I'm fine thank you, just had one" which she knew was a lie for the children's ears, who had now taken off to the living room and the television.

I watched as she made two hot chocolates for the girls memorizing the heaped teaspoon full's of hot chocolate powder in each cup and the 12Foz of milk which she microwaved warmer than she did with breakfast, add a little and stir each till the powder is mixed then add the rest of the milk, I was not sure she had enough the way she poured but it fitted the receptacles and by the time she took it to them I could tell it was no longer too hot for the youngest. She made sandwich for Bea who had apparently not eaten what was on offer at after school club at nursery and a biscuit for Alice.

I made her a tea, felling a little less useless. "Emma please, don't feel bad, you should know that I feel what I do is ever going to be enough to show you how awful I feel about us not finding you and keeping you safe, everyone feels guilty at what happened we have been to the ends of this earth searching, if we can right that in any way it is the least we can do. I do not begrudge you if you hate us for failing you and if nothing comes of meeting with us at least we all know you are a live, I want you to know that you will always be a part of our family" she was about to speak but I needed to add something "I worry that you've not asked about Alice, Edward or the others, Carlisle thinks learning that they are alive must be hard for you to cope with. I do not know what you feel for my son but know whatever it is Carlisle and I are here for you, if you cannot feel what you once felt there is no shame in that"

I stopped to look at her to see if she understood what I was saying, she was lost in thought and then her eyes met mine, words she could not say formed on her lips and she mouthed 'I don't know, he's been dead so long' she breathed heavily and swallowed hard 'It hurts Esme, it hurts so much' she turned from me color drained from her face, she moved quickly to the bathroom and closed the door, I heard her be ill. Her voice strained came to me clear "I'm sorry, I don't know how I feel. It's all confusing everything at once, I have wanted to see him for so long, now the girls are dying I had my chance to finally be with him, I don't know what he'd like in me now what he'd see, I'm older, scarred and fat, it scares me to know he will not have changed one bit, what if he hates me, what if he can't hold me because of..."

she wrenched again and I could hear her fight her emotions to stay in control, if only she knew could see the cabin he build, its a shrine, her bedroom exactly as it was, he spends days sat in her rocking chair or on her bed doing nothing or re-reading her books, smelling the pages, the clothes in her closet are all bagged up to preserve her scent, he always has something of hers in his hand or pocket even that dam bottle top. He's not touched the piano since she vanished or listened to any of his music, it's like he'd dead. I know the pain my son is in, but cannot tell her in fear of influencing her decisions and feelings.

"Oh my dear" I said now I was next to the door "he still has feelings for you, I do not think he will judge you for what you did or how you have lived your life" I could not get in to comfort her the size of the bathroom and where her voice came from I'd hit her with the door if I tried. "come for Christmas day and we will take it slowly, Rosalie and Emmett will be here tomorrow, Alice and Jasper are due in time for new year, Alice is trying to get in contact with Edward" I heard her gasp, "she won't tell him we found you till she has hears from us, but you should know he was invited for new years and we would like to give you both the chance to at least find closure to the pain you both have suffered" I left it at that and waited for her to finish washing herself and join me.

Her face was red with tears, it echoed my feelings inside, if I could cry I'd look like she does now, but I can't I just feel the emotion with no release for it. "Let's take things slowly, the future can wait. Christmas is not a time to be spent alone, join us please, Carlisle is working all day and it would be an honour to see your girls open their gifts?" I was pleased to see she nodded.

"but I have everything here already, meat, vegetables, desert you don't need to go to any trouble than you already have" she said sweetly.

"Emma it is no trouble at all, I will come and pick you up Christmas Eve and you can stay with us" I said feeling euphoria spread through me

"do you mind if I drive myself? I'd like.." she stumbled on her words

"what is it?"

"don't take this the wrong way but I need a means to escape, I hate being trapped, I hope I'm not sounding rude" havens no not rude it was a sensible statement to make.

I can't tell you how relived I was, I was still going to have to come and get her, she would get lost finding the house, she would need trunk space to carry all the gifts that I could see piled up under the tree.

"I need to be home the day for Boxing Day, my mother is coming by on her way home from my sisters, I can ask my neighbour to feed the cat overnight I can do that, overnight is fine" she said. All agreed we started with the bedtime routine.

She explained that the hyper behaviour is not normal the children are showing off to me, I picked up on her tolerance levels for curtain behaviour and used a similar tone to hers when they continued to miss behave and not do as they were asked when she went to get things ready.

I waited as she ate her enchilada's I was pleased to see I'd not made them too hot as the instructions warned. I would be back tomorrow morning to help again, unfortunately it was my day to work at the Hospital so I would not be able to help in the evening but had to brief Rosalie and Emmett on the developments and get the rooms ready, and the items I ordered would arrive and will need placing.

I took the Christmas food she had purchased and the recipe cards and books with the instructions on what she does, she needed a day off and I was going to provide that. I kissed her goodnight and we parted, after tomorrow morning I'd next be back Christmas Eve at 3pm, she gave me a key to the house, this was very accepting and trusting of her and a nice gesture.


	5. Christmas

Disclaimer – Twilight characters are Stephanie Meyer's not mine.

Sorry if I don't reply to the questions all is revealed in the text...

It may be a while before I upload another chapter our house hold seems to have brought home the current cold, sick children do not make for easy writing...

I hope you enjoy this, Edward's expected at the New Year I'm looking forward to seeing what happens...

Christmas

Esme's POV

Rosalie and Emmett caught Bella's scent the moment they entered the house and knew it was her, Carlisle and I spent an hour discussing our decisions and findings with them, leaving out the recent attack but asked Emmett to be mindful of the children and Emma, putting their shyness for want of a better word down to the children not liking strange men and for Emma that she is a little wary of us. We are hope that he remembers.

Rosalie and Emmett moved the furniture I ordered to the rooms and made it look as though it had been there for a while, if Emma knew I'd purchased all this for her I can only imagine her views and I want her to feel comfortable rather than awkward.

Christmas Eve arrived and three o'clock came round far too soon, I just hoped the children would eat what I had planned to feed them, I'd not had to cook for children before, listening to parents at the hospital they can be very fussy, refusing everything. I took note and have made one of the more popular options from the list of meals I've heard them discuss.

Wow, those children are so hyper how does she cope, how did she get everything packed and ready with this screaming and bouncing going on. I had a child with ADHD in play room yesterday these two are no match for him, I see what she means about not feeding them too much cheep candy. They had a Christmas party today and I think they must have only eaten sugar all afternoon.

Emma's bags were packed and she was boxing and bagging up gifts for the girls leaving hers behind. I'm not having this she can open all her gifts I'll gathered them the next time she goes upstairs.

All packed, off we went, I could hear her explain where they were going and what they we going to do. She also told the children to behave, mind their manners and not to break things. She does not have to worry. I've made the house as child proof as I can and with our hearing what can happen?

Although look what happened to Bella on her birthday.. I hope the loose wrappings I put on the children's gifts won't cause paper cuts.

It is a shame she cannot hear me talking to her, I heard her say I could speed up to go at the speed limit, I should have known she was able to follow me she was in an Audi A3 and reading about the family holidays she is quite proficient.

At last we were home, it was really sweet hearing the children's comments on the lights at the gate, Emmett had found a giant snowman and erected it on the front lawn, this made them laugh and scream in horror when they ran up to it to take a closer look and it bent over and said "hello" in a gruff voice, Rosalie's voice was clearly heard cross the grounds "Grow up Emmett, she's a baby" but as the youngest screamed in terror the eldest snuck round and growled at him, he fanned fear and ran off with her chasing him, he is such a natural with children he would have made a very loving and caring father. The laughter that rang out from her was magnificent.

I introduced Emma to Rosalie and Emmett, she looked a little shy and unsure, it reminded me of her very first visit to our home, this time round Rosalie was in better spirits and welcomed Emma politely and with open arms, Emmett on the other hand was Emmett and he picked her up and spun her round making comment on her growing up and filling out, I think some of her memory of them came back as she gave him a look that would not have worked all those years ago.

"let mummy down" Alice spat at him hitting his leg, it was good that he acted hurt by her attack as he limped off having putting Emma down. He went to hide behind Rose, it was good to see her struggle to keep a straight face, there was so much laughter it filled everyone of us with a new energy.

Everyone helped empty the cars of gifts and bags. There were some Emma had written on instructing us to leave them in the car and not to mention them. We had our own gifts to them all waiting inside waiting to go under the tree not knowing when she put them out, I don't remember all the Christmas traditions its been at least twenty years since we did this for Bella normally these holidays celebrations pass us by we have seen so many it is hard to be original.

I needed to find out what her tradition on Santa Clause was what I know of her and have seen recently she is still not great in the mornings. So when to put Santa Clauses out, this was a conversation that can wait till the girls are asleep.

With parcels piled high and the kids running wild I showed Emma to her room, Emmett carried the bags and the cot she'd brought with her up stairs and helped Rosalie put it up in the kids room. She was a little shocked by the size of the room, it was larger than her down stairs at her house.

"Esme, we could have shared one room, you know, who have I put out for this?" she said stunned

"no one my dear, I thought this was best for you, the girls are safely with you so you don't worry about them wandering the house and see things they possibly should not" I canted my head a little hopping she would catch on to the less human side of what we are I was pleased to see the dime drop, she smiled. "it would also give you some privacy, I'm sure you'd like to sleep in a little without them jumping on you like they do, I can pop in dress them and change nappies if needed without invading your privacy"

She nodded and thanked me, she entered her bedroom and I heard her heart judder and her breathing hitched, I was at the door before she took another breath, she was looking at the bed. I was not sure my decision to ask Rose to pack Edwards Red bed linen was a good one but seeing Emma run her fingers over it I think it was, I left the woman with her thoughts noticing tears in her eyes and a smile on her face reflectioned in the mirror.

Rosalie and I took the girls down stairs for a snack and hot chocolate as it was about the time they had these when at home, we'd made cup cakes for them and they are as we watched Emmett move the packages under the enormous tree he'd pulled up from the garden. Rose and he were still decorating it when we arrived so we got the girls to help with the lower branches, it was nice to sit back and watch an image of what might have been for them, if time and tide had granted them life in the same human time line.

I took advantage of the camera Alice gave me before we left for the UK, taking as many pictures as possible of these beautiful girls as they interacted with us as though we were human, their lack of fear exuded just like their mother that way as the bounced all over Emmett making him pick them up to put ball balls higher on the tree.

Emma came down to join the madness just in time to see Bea who was sat on Emmett's shoulders put the enormous fairy on the top, she was telling us all about the star she made which was on top of their tree at home, I now know it was made when she was aged two which makes it makes it more special, she was telling us how they make decorations every year, some they put on the tree and some are given away as presents. Her pride in her creations is captivating, and the end results are beautiful having seen them for myself.

Supper was ready for the humans, my home made burgers went down a treat, Annabel Carmel's recipe was highly recommended and proved to be a hit, the carrots, peas and mash potato were less successful with all but Emma, who let her meal go cold encouraging the girls to try, I need to look up this Food Dudes she was going on about.

It was sad to say good night to the girls, we helped them put a glass of milk and a few raw carrots by the fire. Bea wrote on a chalk 'Stop Santa' sign Emma had brought with them 'Bea and Alice Graham' she put it in the planter outside the front door. They hung their stockings to the side of the fire near the milk and carrots and went to bed, their stockings looked hand made one sniff and I knew by who, Bella had become quite creative, I spotted several handmade items in the house.

It was an honour for Rosalie and I to be asked if we wanted to get them bathed ready for bed leaving Emma free relax after she supervised their baths. To be granted such a privilege was truly trusting of her. I'd fetch her for the child's milk after story time. We could hear Emmett and Emma chatting away the floor below. "So Bells, how's life at 37 then" he said – Emmett never mention a woman's age.

"Thanks, Like I needed a reminder next you, 'you big old baby' " I liked that, we are old in one respect and to her physically at least we are babies, we are all permanently stuck at ages younger than she is.

"What you been doing with yourself all these years apart from popping out kids" he went on

There was silence for a moment, I was not sure how she was coping with Emmett's line of questions "What have I been doing" we heard her start "well, let me see, in a nutshell I've tied to escape the Volturi twice, got to learn to speak English with this accent, that took some time us humans are slow learners. I got board waiting to be rescued. Made a friend with one of my guards 'strange guy but helpful' married a prat, popped out those two with a little medical help, got him killed, hum since that I tend to spend my time between hospitals, work and home. Nothing much and you? still looking for a stronger bear?" we heard his laugh but knew from the tone of it the comment about 'rescue' cut him.

"look I'm sorry about the rescue, I am not worth the effort really, you'd have all been annihilated if they found you, it was bad enough without watching that too and to be left alive when everyone I cared for was not" that touched Rosalie and me, I knew she did not mean any malaise in what she said but this was touching and helped them I think deal with their own personal guilt. We heard her say "get off you great ox"

Emmett spent several years with Edward and on his own tracking her down and always finding dead ends. It was like she was a ghost her scent springing up in strange locations mainly hospitals it was like she did not exist.

"Do you want to give me a hand" she said in an upbeat changing the subject way of hers and we heard them walk to the cars.

I heard them bring the Santa bags in, I hope she would show us her traditions, giving of gifts was not something we did these days, with her gone the reason and joy of it were lost to the bad memory of her birthday, as much as we all tried not to it always came back, she was someone who made our lives worthwhile living.

Emmett's childish and jovial manner boomed through the walls as he said "Can I play Santa Claus"

"oh go on then" she said "these go in that stocking and those in that"

"do I get a hat?" we heard "what about that bag? Where does that go?" he asked

"those three are to go in the stockings just match the initials, those are they are mine, I'll do that later," she sounded a little down at that it was in her voice

"No if I'm santa then I'm gona do it properly Ho Ho Ho" we heard... "now where do you want them or when?"

"Don't worry Emmett I'll do it myself"

"You fill your own stocking? that's sad man" he said

"ye but who else is going to do it?" under her breath she added "no one ever wanted to" Rosalie and I looked at each other that was a very sad thing to say we knew our sposes would do anything we ever asked of them, this reflected back on her marriage.

"OK miserable woman, what about all these with the same wrapping on?"

My ears peaked at this, I saw the bags in her trunk, there was a roll of the same partially hidden under everything as we lifted them out.

"Just stack them up near the fire, you want to do this Santa thing?" there was a pause "Ok Santa would you pass me the carrots please.. Ah! Thank you" I heard the carrots crunch and we heard her eat what she'd bitten off. "Fancy a bite of that big one Em I mean Santa" she said

"no fear" he said

"go on I'm sure your jaw is strong enough to bite it? I'm not asking you to eat just leave teeth marks, think reindeer nibbling away"

"Oh" there were a couple of crunches and "god that's bloody awful no wonder they taste so bad" he came back at her

"Reindeer tastes just fine to me, love the stuff, you want to try from the thigh not the neck there is not much meat there" they were having a conversation about food, well she slotted back in just as she did when she was eighteen.

"What of that white stuff in the glass, you're not going to ask me to drink it are you"

"do you want to? Its milk" she said I heard a swallow and the glass be put down on the tray the girls picked out

"did you enjoy that" Emmett said with disgust hanging on every word

"Nope – hate the stuff. Do me a faviour and your last act as Santa, grab that log.. the wet one.. now pick the glass up as if you were drinking it"

"Why me"

"I've drink most of it, I need man's hand, you are a man aren't you?"we heard him growl "I need your finger marks to show it was drunk by Santa, unless Santa's not man enough to pick the glass up?" she has the measure of his personality.

"Ah ye finger marks very clever..."

"So why do all this?" he asked

"Tradition I guess, it annoyed my husband who didn't get it and it's keeping the myth alive? I adapted it a little Santa can't carry many parcels for each child in the world so one or two parcels each is fine all left in a pile by the fire, a quick drink to wet his whistle and carrots for the reindeer 'healthy none alcohol option' and I can't eat mince pies, my husband hated them anyway"

"there are more than three here" he said

"Wow you can count that's an improvement.. Ouch!"

I heard the ouch and shouted "Emmett"

"Sorry did I hurt you"

"no" she said "just jestin, there are more than three people here, he can't visit and not bring everyone something" Oh my she had got us gifts other than the ones I'd seen with all our names on.

I asked Emmett to send Emma up to Alice, he commented on the cool names, he must have heard our conversation with Bea and Alice over their names, Rosalie gave Emma a lovely hug and thanked her for naming her child after her.

We left her to feed Alice and get her off to sleep and went to inspect the illusion she and Emmett had created. I had to admit it was crude but effective, part drunk milk, carrots nibbled and visiting card thanking them signed by Santa Claus, with sooty finger marks on it, it looked well used and the thumb print was not hers.

I made Emma a mug of tea as she descended the stairs and brought it to her in the living room, asking her what she wanted us to do with the stockings as the fire was still raging away. "I'll take them up to bed and leave them at the end of their beds; they know they can open these without asking. I don't know what you do for Christmas, before breakfast I let them open their from Santa, and then as the day moves on we open the others a bit at a time.

It's a little mad with children I let them open theirs first so I can keep track of who gave who what, I like to keep a note" she looked at the mantel piece where a note book and pen had been stowed "but it's your home, your rules as long as I know who gave them what I don't mind, but a few at a time though not all at once it gets too crazy, things get lost, broken and I spend the week with superglue"

I helped her carry the stockings up stairs and place them on the beds of the children. Bid her good night and left the room. It was strange but comforting having her back under our roof, Carlisle came in not long after Emma was sound asleep, I got the paper from her car and re-rapped some of the gifts we got for them from Santa in the paper and labelled them the same as best I could, the paper felt like it had been in the car for a while, I liked her way of running the day, a few at a time knowing the children at the Hospital having a few choices at a time they play with them better than if we let them have free reign. We had all scanned the presents under the tree like nosy children till we heard her shout at the girls a warning from the kitchen as she heard us looking, we felt bad as the girls were not to blame for ringing the bells that she'd dangled from the lower branches.

We all looked at each other and waited when Carlisle was on his hands and knees looking at the labels and he rang the bells. "She'll tell you off if she catches you" Emmett said to him he mimicked her voice "no counting and no looking" he echoed.

Carlisle and Emmett discussed the state of the NFL, and Rosalie and I headed to the kitchen to look at what needed to be done with the food. at 2am Carlisle came to me for us to go hunt, we would not be going far the local stately home had some wild deer on its lands, that would do for now.

We had a call from Emmett about an hour and a half after leaving, Emma was having a nightmare and it sounded violent from what we could hear, we finished our quarry, and disposed of the carcases as we headed back. She sounded calmer or at least quieter as we ran from the woods up to the house, we were worried the children would wake as we rushed into her room to find her face down in the bed, fighting for breath as the sheets were suffocating her and her hands and feet invisibly bound and her head locked to her body, it echoed one of Alice's painful visions.

Carlisle turned her over so she could breath she screamed a few obscenities at him "filth F***in Vampire, just kill me, let me die, you skink of human blood, your weak come on kill me" he backed up and stared at me.

"She's dreaming of her time in Voltarri, its just how Alice was" he smelt the sheets and looked at Rosalie, "did you wash these before you put them on the bed?"

"No I didn't they were clean, 24 hours in luggage clean luggage at that they would not need doing again" she snapped back.

"why" I asked.

"it smells of us" I looked at Emma and how she was lying when we came in and understood what he said, Rosalie went for clean bedding and she helped me change the bed keeping Emma in it, we daren't touch her to lift her she was fighting us as we moved her as it was.

When she calmed down and her heart rate settled, we left Carlisle to watch her body relax and check her for injuries. "I guess it was worse there for her than we thought" Emmett said solemnly from the door way, "sorry to bring you back, we had no idea what to do, the way she moved it was freaky. It makes me angry to know what Alice described happened to her, a human too. I hope Edward does not find out he'll go in a killing spree, he was mad enough when it happened to Alice to see it firsthand like that. Esme how did she cope?"

"I have no idea Emmett, I really do not know" I replied as we congregated in the living room, "it's not been easy for her, any of the last twenty years, we must give her credit for her survival" Carlisle joined us but there was no more talking from any of us what we saw shocked us, in Alice it was bad enough but she is like us her body can with stand such restraints for a human I knew everyone was thinking the same, none of us moved to go to our rooms for our personal time we sat listening to the sound of her breathing and her mutterings, each flinching when she swore at the Volturi guard and her heart rate raced again, she apologised a few times, saying "I did try... I'm' not doing it on porpoise" her accent was back when she said this.

She had been quiet for an hour before we heard the first of the children wake, its excited chatter woke the other and we heard Bea put the light on and both girls explore their stockings with gleeful voices, we see now why she puts the stockings in their rooms, they both stayed for another half hour playing with the already unwrapped and box free gifts, eating the chocolate and drinking the little drinks she added before she put them in their room.

They rushed her room, we heard her moan as they bounced on the bed, she did not respond much for a while, as the girls played next to her she only responded when one of the girls asked why the bed was changed, "you have nightmare mummy?" Alice asked, we heard her yawn, stretch and several cracking noises from her joints made us wince although I don't think that hurt her. She must have nightmares often for Alice to make this comment, I thought.

"oh!" She sounded surprised and a little sad, "I guess I must have, did I wake you?"

No was their chorus and then they launched into what sounded like a show and tell with their stockings, "can we show Esme and Rosalie?"

"go on but take care not to touch anything, if Santa has been only open your own presents alright, nothing more unless Esme or Carlisle tell you, don't go looking for them if they are not there alright"

We heard "Yes Mummy" and their little feet race across the floor.

It was quite comical for a few seconds, as none of us had moved all night we were still dressed in yesterdays clothes, it was one of those times when being able to move as fast as we could came in handy, we all shot from our locations to our rooms as their little skipped to their door. Carlisle shot to his study, me to the kitchen and Emmett made it back to the sitting room, I heard him grab the paper and make it look like he was engrossed in the sports pages, leaving Rosalie still cussing her hair when it would not do as she wanted it to. As the children descended the stairs Carlisle exited his office and carried Alice down, being the youngest shuffling the stairs on her bottom was making her sister frustrated. You are certainly kept on your toes with children in the house.

All our moods raised and changed as we watched these cherubs find and open their gifts from Santa Clause, Bea handed us ours, before taking her mother the two remaining parcels watched us open the gifts. She returned with both stockings and we were entertained by the objects within, we watched them play with the wind up racing grannies and the farm animals and other strange objects and characters each stocking held, little things that gave them the option to play together or to add to sets they already had.

By 8.30am Emma was up, showering and by 9am was fresh faced and had joined us, watching from the door way, with a lovely look on her face, I'd see that look on mine and Rosalie's a few times this morning already, it was a look of contentment at the scene before her.

I helped her get breakfast for the girls and herself, they girls ate so fast just to return to the presents, which her mother refused them to do until they were dressed, Rosalie and I took them upstairs and found a couple of matching outfits hanging up for them. While she and Carlisle went to his study for a chat. They returned looking like proper little ladies and were we let them pile into the first half of the mountain of packages.

The day rolled on steadily, we went for a walk, while we were out I took the opportunity to talk to Emma about her dream, I know she spoke to Carlisle before he went to work but she seemed so apologetic for disturbing is and that we had to change the bed, Rosalie had to take matters in to her own hands when she kept apologising for her choice of words. Like we all kept saying, it's us who are sorry. I managed to get from her a little more of her time there, she made a friend in the guard, one named Fred, she said he showed her how to use the shield that was in her head, she was not all that good at it only when really scared did she have the strength to push it to protect her and it was useless on humans.

She's not used or at least tried it for sometime from what she said the last was when was two years ago, but it didn't work or she forgot how she is unsure. It was intriguing to hear about Fred and how knew she had a shield; it was a gift we had not thought of, Carlisle will be very interested to hear that this Fred was friends with the new born who we tried to save. It was because of our actions that he helped Bella.

Lunchtime was quiet, both girls were tired, ate well even with the battle to get them to sit and actually put food in their mouths, Emma took Alice up for a nap and Bea played with some of her toys. When Emma joined us again we made her open some of her gifts and she sent Bea round as Santa's helper. She did not have much time to get us gifts so these were as much as a surprise as anything, there were some of the tree decorations the girls made, there were some for Rose and Emmett too, Carlisle and I had an extra gift, a picture of the children taken six months or so ago Bea still has both her front teeth and Alice face has changed shape a little.

These are truly treasured gifts, "I can't remember what you like, I hope you don't mind the photo, I know you're not family but your about the closest Bella has to any still alive, I've researched my family since and my father is dead and I have no idea where Renee is" she said.

My gift of a new top of the range hover seem cheep, in comparison "you are part of our family Emma and always will be, these are beautiful gifts, Thank you"

"I have a picture with me in but I didn't want to make things difficult for everyone or cause trouble if the Volturi decided to pay you a visit, as far as I know they don't know my children and they smell a little different so the decorations can be hidden easily if they do" that was so sweet but the Volturi have not visited is since we saw them after the battle with the new borns, but is very considerate of her to think this way, these ornaments will look good in my kitchen, I know just where to hand them from here and back home.

Many more gifts were opened after little Alice joined us again, the little sleepy head was still zonked for twenty minutes clinging to her mother, Emmett took more pictures as I went to start cooking dinner with Carlisle's help, now he'd come home. When we entered the living room again it looked like an explosion in wrapping paper factory had happened, the girls were screaming with laughter somewhere under this mountain of paper and Emmett was in there too. The sound of their laughter ringing in our house is a sound I will treasure more than anything else, it has truly been a magnificent Christmas.

When we'd cleared away enough to see some of the floor Emmett was building the wooden garage for little Alice and Rosalie was helping dress a doll with Bea, there was train track that had Carlisle on his knees playing with and more dolls clothes and more clothes than I thought possible without Alice present, crayons, books, a shop set, the floor looked like a British outlet of FAO Schwartz. I did not mine it was so nice to see so many happy faces again after the years of not knowing.

Christmas meal was interesting the girls set the table for everyone, we all had a plate of food and we all helped feed the girls and popped crackers to distract them for our actions as we removed more items from our plates and left them in the kitchen bin, none of us really wanted to spend the evening regurgitating even Emma joined in the charade helped nicking food from the plates closest to her.

It was a busy and for a human tiring day, it was fantastic. It was a shame it ended. The girls were exhausted, it was another pleasure to be asked by them to be put to bed this time by them and Carlisle read them a story sat like a true grandfather in his high backed chair with one on each knee, more photo opportunities we are all in such awe of their ease with us, Rosalie thanked Emma and apologised for her conduct towards her when she was younger, I am proud of my daughter she has learned a good lesson. Bella was nothing more than polite to her and she still shows this today.

Emma cleared up and was helping Emmett and Carlisle put the paper on the fire, bagging the rest for later, it will not take long for us to burn through that after she went to bed. Piles of gifts were stacked in the front room after Emma went to bed, we refused to let her put them in the car to save time tomorrow. We would be sad to see her leave but her family are due and she needs to get back.

She did not have nightmares tonight, I did how ever give her one of the pillow cases back before I washed it, she was so sorry she reacted to the scent of us like she did, I promised to put the bedding back when she came for New Years. Before she retired Carlisle had a word with her in his study he wanted to know how she would feel about meeting Edward, by the sounds of it she wants to but is worried how he'd feel about her and the changes she has been through, Edward made several comments when they were together about her bazaar notion that she was anything but beautiful, I have to say she still is stunning but at the same time, life has taken its toll on her body, she has aged, she has something wrong with one of her ankles and is currently refusing to let Carlisle look at.

Their reunion will be hard going, and from what Alice said to me earlier when she called New Years Eve is when he is due to arriving.


	6. Boxing Day

Disclaimer - Twilight characters do not belong to me.

This is entirely fictitious before anyone thinks otherwise

Boxing Day

Esme's POV

Bella went to bed a little after midnight she was a little drunk to say the least but nothing out of control, it was partially our fault for filling her glass after she refused, we could hear her talking to herself well more like arguing and just her side of things. She sounded quite angry with someone who by the sounds of it was in her room; Emmett was all for bursting in, but opted for checking in her from the balcony, Rosalie watched him make the leap she was concerned for the children the argument sounded as much about them as it was about Emma.

we heard "Get out"

"No" then a pause as if someone else was talking "Ye right like you actually give a dam"

"If you actually cared for any of us you'd not have stood there doing nothing"

"I know what you feel about me, so not helping me I can justify but your children"

"You watched while they did that to them"

There was a long pause again, Emmett came back and told us she was in the bedroom but always talking to the same part of the room as if someone was there, he could not see anyone it just looked a little hazy.

"I guess they are probably listening in and I'm not surprised Emmett was at the window"

"what.. your scarred for... Oh dear…. it's a bit late for that honey, I'm probably safer with those 'people' that I am with you, at least they give a dam"

"what? you think… You have no idea about..."

"Yes that's right Isabella do you know any more or?..."

"Rubbish, who I was makes no difference. I am still the person you married for all the reasons you chose and why I said yes.. it's my name that changed not who I am at least not by the time I met you" We listened silently, it was her husband who she was arguing with but he's dead? We could do with Jasper here he can usually feel this kind of paranormal activity.

We were getting an insight into her private life, the part she'd not disclosed, I hope she forgives us for listening in, not that we can do anything else with our hearing and we were not going to leave the house to give her privacy we did not know what help she would need.

"You are incorrigible"

"Fine.. Any excuse to…"

"No honey you're not, that ended when you died but you're still their father and you need to step up and learn how to care for them"

"you know why, I'm not going to off myself when they go, I have a reason to live" she was going to end her life after the children were gone, Carlisle just looked at me. Wide eyed

"Yes them"

"Don't touch me" Emmett growled "If you didn't do that when you were alive you're not now"

"I keep the rings on out of respect to you, idiot"

"No I'm not sure why either, but it was so obvious after I had Bea, you took one look at me and never touched or came near, at least with the lights on and you sober"

"Then explain why I had to ask for a kiss or make the move myself?"

"oh ye when the lights were off it was " we heard her purse her lips and make a kissing sound twice "night, was all I got wow, how romantic" she said so dead and sarcastically Emmett chuckled nervously and Rosalie elbowed him

"Alice, no she was not a mistake, yes she is yours"

"Well it's not exactly difficult to get a man to do what you want when 'that' jumps to attention, 'that' switches off and well as long as your distracted by these it's amazing what you can do"

Rosalie laughed at that, an Emmett looked aggrieved, Emma has a point if she is talking about what we all think she is.

"You really want to know why?"

I was starting to feel like sending everyone out for a walk, not because the conversation upstairs was loud in fact it was conducted at a whispered level only but because this was a private conversation she was having and not really for our ears.

"Are you man enough to take it or are you going to cry again? I mean you can't call mummy? – Oh and she thinks I killed you, so thanks for that, she's been very supportive, she's even tried to have social services take the girls away"

"OK you asked for it, I wanted another so I'd be so busy looking after two of them I'd not notice that I didn't exist, you walk by me, don't touch me, thank me or speak to me with any sense of love, honour or respect, you know those vow thingies"

"I created another person who would unconditionally love me, no matter what I looked like, no matter what I said, someone who thanked me, said please and told me through their actions that they loved me, another person in this world who wanted me so I would not miss feeling so abandoned"

"No you helped create who I am, I had to learn to be stronger to be self-sufficient, self-supportive to deal with the spiders, to sort the bins, change the light bulbs on the car, put oil in it, get up in the night to deal with sick and scarred children, mow the lawn, Oh lord knows the list is endless, you know what when my father is here he cleans the girls shoes so I don't, he has some weird theory that it's a man's job"

"You think I'm lying?"

"you moan every time they woke you up, you'd make so much noise finding your slippers and stomping off to deal with them they hated you coming, if I tell people that when pregnant I slept on the sofa because you moaned that I was keeping you awake, you even moaned when I asked for help to put my socks on when I could not reach my feet and when I asked for help to step out of the bath. Unless you wanted to do it, it was a chore, Christ going into labour was a not the right thing to do was it."

"Oh ye I am angry and I am embarrassed that I put up with it. You're accusing me of putting your children in danger by coming here and letting them interact with 'your' girls, yet you did nothing that night, or any other night and even now you go to them and wake them scarring the hell out of them with what you say.. Oh you care all right"

"They shot you because you embarrassed them as an example of a man"

"OK yes they shot you because I didn't do as you asked, because a man with a big gun was waving it in your face and told you to ask me too..." this is about the night of the attack, Emmett's growl and protective move in front of Rosalie was not a good sign, I hope he can control his anger.

"That gun was not just shoved in my face honey; I have scars from it. You have is a single gunshot to the head, when you begged me too..." Rosalie grabbed Emmett's arm, she looked uncomfortable and venerable, this reminded her of her attack by Royce she looked at both Carlisle and I and asked "was she raped?"

"It sounds that way" Carlisle said not wanting to give away his knowledge of what is written in Alice's medical notes at last.

"Men like that would have killed both of us, thinking of myself oh ye can I remind you it was not a feather they were hitting me with but one of your safety chains from work or did you forget that bit, I was protecting your children you idiot, you saw exactly what they did to them, you just stood there as they threw them at the walls and down the stairs like rag dolls" we all were on our feet when she said that, I'm not sure what we would do but it shocked us to hear that the children suffered such brutality.

"no more excuses, they are your children and you did nothing, now step up and learn, and get out of here, I need to sleep I'm tired and I've got mum mid morning and your fathers bringing your mother for a brief visit to try and patch things up I need to sleep cause that's going to be a bundle of joy"

"Leave…"

"I'll sleep with who I want, but I don't think you have to worry about that my body confidents is zero thanks to you and my patchwork of scars"

"Yes I am a B***h.. Goodnight Charlie and don't wake the girls out of spite"

It went quiet, we heard the sound of her getting into bed and the light switched off, she was crying quietly. Eventually she went silent and her breathing and heart rate slowed.

Emmett and Rosalie quizzed us further on the events they'd just heard, we had to be honest with them as best we could without Carlisle giving away medical information he knew, but this was all fresh information, Rosalie and Emmett excused themselves went for a walk, she put the pieces together.

It shocked us all after Rosalie and Emmett went out to clear their heads, Carlisle and I retired to our room, neither of us was in the mood for anything more that a cuddle, again our lack of presence in her life caused her pain and suffering, I asked Carlisle if any of what we heard in relation to the children had anything to do with the smell of stagnant and poor blood flow in the heads?

I knew from his silence that it did, I also knew he could not answer he was a stipple for patient confidentiality so staying quiet and pulling me close I knew there was probably more than to this than what Rosalie and I picked up when putting the children to bed, their scars told their version of the story. How someone could hurt a child that way.

Carlisle and I were lost in our embrace when we were snapped from our peace by screaming.. Before the scream was half way through we heard Emma's hobble as she ran across the floor to the children's room.

"Daddy's nastying to me" came the cried as we stood and dressed.

"shh its alright, did he visit you again?" we heard Emma say soothingly

"Yes" her voice went up a few tones at the end, it was very cute but also distressing, what kind of man does this "he's nastying to me" she repeated

"All right what did he say?" Emma said as if a visit from their dead father was normal.

"he told me my friend Ermmtt is a bad men, he said he will hurt me, mummy he is nice man" Carlisle and I looked at each other, we had worked with small children for a while now and were getting used to the strange way they articulated, she was talking of Emmett?

"sh poppet its ok no man in this house will hurt you I promise you that, no one here alright, is daddy still here?" it was nice to hear her confirm that we would not harm the children.

"Sh OK, I'll deal with it, do you want to go back to bed or join mummy?"

"stay with you, I want milk"

We heard her take the child back to her room and the covers move then we heard "I'll be right back mummy needs to talk to daddy. Stay here"

The door closed and then "where are you" she said with whispered force anger clearly present, "show yourself you, how could you do that to her, to them, what are you thinking?"

"No I don't care what they are, and don't call them that out loud the girls can hear, if they know what they are you will sign their death warrant is that what you want?" I wished we could hear what he was saying whatever it was she was right to warn him of the consequences of them knowing.

"not them you fool the girls, your girls will be killed if the make that know publicly and the people who will carry that out are not as nice, as the Cullen's their idea of humanity grubs up they are zero tolerant, who will be accused of murder then and not just of mine but your children's"

"I know because I know"

"No Shit Sherlock, I am very much alive, they didn't because they can't alright the how and why are none of your business"

"wake up before you do too much damage, they have to want to be with you please top this"

"yes I want to kill myself, but I doubt right now I'd make it to the ground if so what's the point?" that was true, we would be there before she made it off the balcony, I can empathise with the loss of a child and not wanting to go on with life.

"she needs milk and I need sleep, this has to stop, leave us alone please" Emma needs a break, how often does he do this?

I heard her get back into bed, she ordered him away again after we heard Alice start Suckling and eventually fall asleep. By day light we were not sure to wake her or not, the girls came downstairs without disturbing their mother, they went straight to the toys, without Edward's ability to read minds we will never know what they are thinking.

To my surprise and distress Emma was up, dressed and packed by ten o'clock, she had the girls dressed and ready to go by eleven o'clock, there was something in the way she moved and the speed which made me wonder if she was in flight, escaping as it were, she was quiet and melancholy as she packed the car with things, she did not ask for help from anyone to carry or do anything, she did thank us when we helped but she was lost in thought.

I asked Rose and Emmett to follow her back as her trunk was now full of toys, I made a selection of ones to leave here for New Year, I was pleased she agreed to that at least. With everything packed she kissed us good bye and apologised if she seemed distracted and explained she had a conversation with her husband and it was not pleasant bringing up things she wanted to forget and she thought we may have been subjected to her ranting.

None of us made any comment on last night's conversation; we treated it as if it were a normal day, it's not like our private conversations are not overheard by other family members with hearing like ours it's hard not to.


	7. Alice and Jasper

Disclaimer - Twilight characters do not belong to me.

If the last chapter confused – it was dialogue between Emma and her dead husband whom the Cullen's cannot hear but sense as we discover with Jasper and Alice. It gave me a window to explain some of Emma's past without having her sit down and 'chat' to someone about it... hopefully as you read on it will become less foggy...

Cheers for reading this far.. and for the feedback, I was not expecting it so thank you..

This is Boxing Day continuing into the week that leads to New Year's.. (if an explanation was needed after such a posting time gap) Esme's POV again, I'm not sure where Carlisle's POV went he has not come back to me I guess working the hours he'd miss a bunch of stuff Esme see's.

Alice and Jasper

Esme POV

When Rosalie and Emmett arrived back and gave us their verdict of the house, "Compact and Bijou" Emmett mustered before launching into "and the tiniest TV in the world, with no sports channels "as he settled in front of the plasma screen to watch the Sports, "she did not want me upstairs, she bared my way when I offered to take her bags, she was very weird when she walked in, I heard her talking again when she was upstairs, I think that apparition was back, she spoke the same as here"

I'd seen her tiny television when I was there the other day they don't have it on much and anything bigger would not fit the small rooms. Rosalie breathed highlighting her frustration at Emmett's current position and commented "she was saying something about not allowed to have fun for something like that, I was not paying much attention the girls were showing me the things they made, they are so creative Esme"

"it sounds like he always stops things, I heard her say 'your jealous of me having the time to meet people, make friends' and 'you bugger it up just because you can't..' I didn't get the rest" Emmett chipped in "she looked very tired though when she came back down"

"What's going on Esme?" Rosalie asked "those children are so adorable; it was really nice of her to let us do what we did for them, why would their father be like this"

"it is nice and very trusting to let virtual strangers what we have done, she did say she trusted us and she knows us well, there is still so much we do not know although having said that I think we can connect the dots from what we heard last night, I do hope you are alright Rosalie and what you heard didn't bring back bad memories for you"

"Esme, it hurt to know she's been through something like that, I was lucky I had you and Carlisle to support me, it sounds like she's had no one, those poor children, is that the reason they will die Carlisle, their injuries from that day?" Rosalie asked as he entered the kitchen having found another plate with cup cake crumbs on it, lord knows how they hid so many I now understand why I found plates with bread crust on them under the piles of toys, those children are either squirrels or good at hiding things "I can't bear to think of it" she continued as my thought searched the house for the last plate and remembering where I'd found the hidden ones at Emma's house "I want to... Well let's just hope those men don't cross our path; Emmett's seeing red about the whole thing. He's fallen for those little girls you know they called him Uncle Emmett and me Aunt when they said goodbye"

Rosalie and Emmett went off for a hunting trip for a couple of days to clear the air, we needed to have clear minds before Edward arrives, if he got wind of anything bad happening to Bella before or after he knew she was alive he may not be as controllable as he is at home where we have the space to overpower him.

Alice and Jasper's arrival freshened the mood in the house, Alice explained she'd seen some of what happened in her visions, and agreed Edward needed to know Bella was alive first and establish a friendship, Alice's vision shows that they will be fine but she can't see why it takes so long there is pain, Edward gets hurt but there are blank spaces, she can still see everyone but Edward, Bella and the children and cannot make any sense of it.

To my relief Alice loves the room she would have had, I am thank full she has not done to Emma what she did to Edward the first time she and Jasper moved in, she squealed with delight at their smaller suite which actually suites her better for light and clear space to think, being on the top floor she has more rooms so she does not have to share a closet with Jasper, I do hope she does not expect this from now on? I know this is a temporary home for us while we are in the UK I just can't settle in any house as a home till there is space for all my children, Carlisle and I would rather our family stayed but are aware of the dangers this poses at the moment now we are all based in the same country as Bella and that little bit closer to the Volturi.

Alice and Jasper came with me to visit Emma and the girls one evening, it was not a planned visit and I was a little worried how she would take the intrusion as we'd not called but we were heading back from a day trip to the area and the malls at Alice's behest. It shocked me that Emma was not in after Alice's assurances. A neighbour walking past saw us at the door and called to us that they were out but should be back by 6 o'clock. We only had half an hour to wait.

I showed Alice and Jasper where the school was, as we were walking back from the school taking the human route I made it know that I had contacted the property agent about the house next door, as it was now dark Alice jumped up to the window of the empty house and peaked in, the bathroom window was open for ventilation and she squeezed herself in through it.

We could hear her comments from inside, "its 1960's revisited, I don't think it's been decorated since, we can make this work for what you've in mind Esme, exposure may be a problem, we could use both doors depending on the time of day, working nights may be a good cover, but it is entirely impractical for the summer. If you make it a short leace we can talk Bella into something more suitable that's if I can ever see past these blanks in my visions, it's almost as bad as those wolves."

I heard the purr of her Audio A3 turn into the street before hers and climb the hill, I warned Alice and she slipped her way gracefully back out of the window and landed silently on the path before joining us by Emma's back door as the car's headlights turned up the drive illuminating us, "remember her name is Emma in front of the children" I reminded them both having heard Alice refer to Emma as Bella just.

It was like long lost friends with Alice and Emma, whatever the Volturi did to make her forget failed, I helped feed and put the girls to bed for Emma as she and Alice were lost in chatter about everything and anything and only touching lightly on the subjects that were difficult. Jasper who looked like a fish out of water, made himself useful making her cups of tea and washing up an then used his gift to perfection; these hyperactive kids were asleep in seconds of us turning off the light leaving Alice to talk to Emma as she made her supper.

Alice and Emma talked as if no time had passed; as she ate we looked at the pictures of the children growing. We suggested she go to bed early and made all efforts to make this happen for her, promising to come back tomorrow to collect them so they can stay longer this time, the girls had expressed this wish before the left on Boxing Day.

She refused the offer of being collected and opted for the independent option, I wish she would let us do more for her, she seems so reluctant to accept help, a time was set for her to arrive and we left, Alice got us to wait before we drove off seeing that Jaspers thought on using his gift on Emma would work on the house all night, helping to make her feel more rested in the morning. We saw the bedroom light go off and waited a few moments to let her settle then Alice said "Jazz NOW, he's about to talk at her again" she sensed the presence of her husband as we heard her heart rate and breathing slow to the tell tale sleep, then I heard the sound that I for one had not heard before.

Someone strong was trying to wake her and when that failed tried the children in turn, Jasper asked me not to drive as he pushed his gift on Emma and the children forcing them deeper into asleep, "it's working Jazz, he's mad at us not her though, he'll get the message and not try again" Alice said then the car jolted as if we'd been hit. Alice piped up "I hope your satisfied, I've no idea what you think you're doing, if you care for them let them sleep, we're renting that house with our without Emma's say so if needs be and we will do this every night if we have to so she gets the sleep she needs and deserves" the car moved again "grow up" Alice continued, "be proud of what she's done without you, let them rest" the car shoved forward and Alice nodded her head at me to drive, one glance at Jasper told me the same, there was no way now anyone in that house will wake till they were ready to.

They asked about the ghost, and I explained it was her husband or we think it is from her conversation with him on the Eve of Boxing Day, I explained what I could of what we knew of the last twenty years, Rosalie and Emmett joined us when we got back to the house as we discussed how we were going to ease Emma and Edward's reunion. We had it all planned out and everyone knew what they were going to do and we set up activities for the girls to do so we could contain them and keep them distracted so Emma could have as much time as needed.

It would be nice to see those kids back together, they made a perfect pairing but this was delicate, more problematic than when they first got together as like then it had to be down to them, Emma at least has trusted us, she is worried her appearance will repulse him somehow, I wish she will see that this is irrelevant. They need time, we have no idea how Edward will react even with Alice's foresight it's been so hard to talk to him about anything, he answers us before we ask and if we got more than a grunt in the last fifteen years we've been lucky, I am glad she is here we will get some pre-rewarding if we need to interject.

I stocked up on food and Champaign, Carlisle has acquired a couple of bags of blood so we could see in the New Year our way, a glass of human blood is always aloud at special. This year we really had something we could celebrate, Bella alive and Bella back where we know where she is, if being part of the family is not part of this then so be it, I am just so happy we can share this with her.

I was so nervous about Edward's arrival I hardly noticed Emma's Audi pulling up the drive and when no one came to the door it was obvious that we were all thinking of tomorrow and 4pm. We've been fretting ever since Alice saw him catch his flight and told us all. Carlisle opened the door to them and noticed Emma was cradling her arm a little, unnoticeable if you don't really watch her but it's there all the same, Carlisle asked Bea what her mummy had done to her arm knowing any questions about her health she passed off as something innate or other "the nurse hurt her at the blood bank"

I heard him ask Bea if she does this often, and discoverd she did once a month or so, this may explain why we've had so many false leads on her in the UK, most have been at or near medical establishments and this now adds up, her blood in someone or has been handled by a nurse or doctor with her strong scent it lingers anyone trying to track her down will be meet with false trails. The question on all our lips was 'is this something she knew about or was it just fluke' knowing her aversion for blood.

A conversation with Emma a few hours later provided the answer, a bit of both, the Volturi had started it off, they sent a doctor to take blood from her, eventually she stopped feeling sick and passing out at the sight and smell of it, waking up in a dark room also helped, she said if she stayed conscious they didn't change her room to confuse her, she donated when she wanted some space the guard, he stayed away from her for two days till I was healed. I took it up again when there was an Italian football team playing locally; she thought it best to hide myself? It worked on us so it must have worked on the Volturi.

That night Jasper used his gift again to make sure they were all so deeply asleep if her husband came again he'd not wake them and if he tried we were all here and were more than prepared to deal with a stubborn ghost's violent protests, the mess he left after the other night was not good and I wished I'd gone over to help her clear up. Here we would have it all cleaned up before anyone woke to find things they could cut themselves on.

New Years Eve. It was a glorious morning the trees in the low level of the sun and the grounds gave Emmett shelter from the its rays to play with the girls, they were having a fantastic time building snowmen in the fresh snow, it was so lovely to see their reaction to its magic, these two little girls have shown all of us a new way of seeing the world, and they don't seem to mind that we are different to them, harder and colder as they jump and climb over Emmett and Jasper, they even curl up on Carlisle's lap when he reads them a story.

Rosalie took the girls for a nature walk and they looked at footprints in the snow from all the small creatures that live on our land. She is amazingly gentle and attentive with them I saw Emmett watching his wife with a sad but proud look in his eye, I know what he was thinking, he knows how much she wants a child of her own and to be human like Emma. At least Emma has given us all the gift of knowing and sharing her children as if we were their family, there are no words to describe the true depth of feelings this simple act brings us.

The day wore on and the snow came down again so outside play was stopped, and an indoor game started. Alice discovered Bea likes to draw and spent some time to teach her how to draw people the pair of them have been designing clothes while Emmett, Jasper and little Alice, we are going to have to call her that its getting confusing for the little lady, they played with the cars and garage Emmett built for her, it seemed an odd gift to give a girl but she adores the car lift and the train track we brought up from their house as we had the floor space to make a huge track with all the pieces.

More pictures were taken although I'm not sure if some of them should be shared outside these four walls, I mean the one I took just with Jasper and Emmett on their knees playing with the train set.. No sign of the child partly as Emmett's body blocked the view when he reached over to pull the train over the bridge for her but it looks like it's just this pair, treasured candid moments.

Emma sorted herself and the girls for lunch as we performed our now well scripted meal time charade of going out, or taking plates to different rooms. After lunch was finished and all was cleared away Emma took little Alice to bed for her nap, we knew she fell asleep too there is no escaping the sound of a humans slumber, so we got on with our day entertaining Bea who did not seem to notice her mother had not returned, I think this must happen a lot.

The snow stopped and Emmett and Bea went out to build an igloo having see them on the TV, there was no way they would do it properly with this snow but Bea had an idea of making a snow mountain and either sliding down it in a plastic bag as her mother showed her once or making a den inside, it would take them ages having watched Bea place handfuls of snow in a pile as I hoped Emmett would remember she's human and stay at human speed when she was looking, it was a good job that child is easily distracted she never spotted him blur and the mountain appear behind her as she rolled and patted snow on its other face.. The basic hill was finished within the next 40 seconds.

He's promised to make her a proper Igloo when she comes to visit, we do at least have the depth of snow and temperatures to make the blocks a traditional one is made from where our other house is at the moment.

I am so overwhelmed at the way these human children have changed us all, I know I keep saying it but I can see the minute differences in all my children, Emmett's no more a child as it is with his mentality but Rosalie, she has been so ridged and weary of everything to see her melt to these children it is the best thing a mother could ask. Alice, well Alice is Alice and loves them she is so jubilant her best friend is alive even Jasper, his abstention to human blood has gotten better in the last twenty years, he is worried they will cut themselves and he will do something he will regret but Alice does not see this and has so much faith in him, watching him earlier play was truly magical.

Carlisle and I are torn, we are both happy and mortified at how Bella's life has turned out, sad for the loss and devastation we all felt when she went missing, knowing there was nothing we could do, being totally powerless was so humbling and humiliating for him as he watched his entire family especially fall Edward suffer so badly as a result. For her for the trauma and suffering she would have been subjected to by the Volturi and as a result of a failed marriage and rape.

But we are happy, so so overjoyed that she is well, alive and has lived a life we all would have wished for her she has children and as a result is sharing their simple child like gifts with us, to see my family this engaged this passionate and so full of joy is.. well I have no words, I am speechless my adopted human daughter who has been as much a part of this family during her absence as she was all those years ago when she made my son complete has made me so proud of my family, has brought such joy and compassion to them all to all of us. I pray Edward and she reconnect.

The sound of Children's laughter rings in my home and there is no sweeter music for the ear and soul than this, my children are glowing with its vibrations. Such memories to carry with us for our eternity. I can see why so many of our kind made vampire babies and I can also see how dangerous they can be having see these girls fight and argue over the silliest and most mundane things, their mother has the measure of their tiffs she is fare and firm with them even here,


	8. New Years Eve

Disclaimer – Stephanie Meyer is the owner of the charters from Twilight not me, I just ran with them for a short while..

New Years Eve

Esme POV

With Emma still sleeping Rosalie and I were starting the preparations for our evening meal, well the human's, we had decided to have a mini New Year's celebration at 6pm supper time for the children then we would have time to bath them and put them to bed leaving Emma to eat in peace with the rest of us, that was the plan at least.

The laughter was echoing through the trees from Bea and Emmett was filling the house as darkness fell, Rosalie and I were in heaven listening to it, loosing ourselves to its wonder, I was so lost in it and the preparations I didn't notice the time which is strange for me, I heard a car door close and a car pull away.

Edward was here, just as I heard his footsteps on their way up to the front door open I also heard tell tale footfalls and a heartbeat of Emma cross the floor and open her door. If you can say such a thing for a stone cold unmoving heart but at that moment my heart was in my mouth as I tried to focus on anything other than Emma. I heard him call out to Emmett before he got to the top step and Emmett's reply before the door opened and his scent wafted in on the cool breeze to where I was working, my son was home was what it said to me.

I heard his bag land on the floor and his footsteps head in my direction, "Esme" he said with some semblance of joy for a change as I met him in the door way, as he hugged me, handing over the bunch of flowers he'd brought with him, I noticed Emma standing stock still on the stairs, I was surprised he didn't notice her, he'd have had to walk past the stairs to get to me. I wondered why.

He looked up and smiled, "Emma" he said quietly so I could hear "A human, the mother of that child Emmett's playing with?" I smiled and nodded. My thoughts calmly said 'yes, just a human dear' he turned round to look as Jasper shouted "Hi Ed" Jasper had the camera in his hand "Its full, just getting the new card" Emma had not moved staring at Edward with a blank unfocused expression on her face as she possessed what she saw.

It wasn't till Jasper walked past her and went to her aid as, her color faded a little her eyes glanced at me and then at Jasper, for a fraction of a second I saw her knees buckle hidden by the dress she wore and her bare feet shuffle as she fainted, Jasper caught her but from this angle his head was close to her neck. Edward blurred from my side and pushed Jasper out of the way "NO" he said, it was like a replay of the birthday except Jasper is no longer struggling with Emma's scent or the call for human blood as he once was.

Edward had Emma's unconscious body in his arms as he ran protecting her feral style from Jasper and the others who were now at the bottom of the stairs, I looked at Alice who shrugged her shoulders, "this is where it goes blank he gets to the trees and" she said.

"Emmett" I called "get Bea inside now away from where Edward is running, bring her to me I'll keep the her safe till we can relax, go everyone stop him before he does something he'll regret himself" I was a little frantic inside, this simple miss understanding was turning into a nightmare.

Alice called out to Jasper "Jazz go now" he shot off upstairs and out of the window taking the most direct route, his speed rendering him invisible to Bea as she and Emmett walked to the kitchen door still laughing, as soon as he'd delivered Bea his expression changed and he ran after Jasper. I was worried sick, she had no shoes on and that dress was not going to keep her warm enough out there without a coat, I had made hot chocolate for Bea and put it and some biscuits on the counter ready for her as she stood taking off her coat she babbled about what they had been doing together, I was half listening to her and encouraging her to continue watching my children chase their brother and her mother, I lost sight of them for a moment and turned to help Bea with her gum boots.

Her little face was so red from the cold it distracted me for a moment as did her struggling to take her boots off, I got down to help and heard Edward yelp in pain then the sound of a thud, as I looked up the child had vanished from sight, I had my hands on her legs taking her boots off, there was no sign of my hand either, no sound at all was heard, I listened for her heartbeat but could not hear it or that of her sleeping sister.

I continued to take the boots off and saw them fall into view, as I called Rosalie to go and check on Alice, and warned her of the invisible state the child may be in. I stood back from Bea for a moment, noticing the crumbs fall from where she sat, so I plied her with a few more biscuits so I could see where she was. We had made more cup cakes earlier and they needed decorating, to keep the child in the kitchen I placed the items in front of where I thought Bea was and left her to play, having failed to put my hand on her shoulder finding it slid to the chair back instead.

This was strange but Emma had said something about a shield, she did not say she could hide her children though, this was very unnerving we would have to watch ourselves not knowing where Bea was, at least little Alice was young enough to not question our less human attributes should she witness our speed.

I called to Rosalie hearing her say she could not find Alice, I told her about the slipping hand and she located the child on Emma's bed, she put some toys out on the floor so we would at least hear them move before they disappeared inside whatever it was that hid the children. I could hear Emmett's voice ask where Emma was, she'd just vanished. Carlisle asked Emmett to help him take Edward to the living room.

Jasper was talking to Emma, he is a good at picking up people's feelings and I guess he was sensing Emma, "it's alright, we're not going to hurt you, he's asleep, just asleep, don't worry" that worried me hearing that, we don't sleep I wanted to see my son "come on Emma its cold out here, take my hand let's get you warm and back inside" he was part way through another line of encouragement when his voice stopped short, I asked what had happened to be told Jaspers vanished now.

What is happening to my family? The next thing I knew was that he was in the house with Emma, he'd jumped straight to her balcony where Rosalie was waiting to help get her warm, I asked him what happened out there and he explained briefly.

I heard him as he came down the stairs "we were nearly with them when she came too, she screamed 'No' and then Edward yelped and flew backwards, we saw her fall from his arms, Emmett when to catch her but she vanished in thin air, no sight of sound of her" I told him of Bea and Alice too vanishing and warned him that Bea was in the room, I indicated where with my head to the crumbs on the floor and cup cakes and decorations vanishing and reappearing finished.

"when she took my hand and I could see her and hear her, she looks as terrified as she feels, she was shaking so much, it must have taken her a lot of effort to come to me, I was feeling her affection towards Edward from her when she was on the stairs, her emotions were so confused and intense, she passed out" he said.

He went on to tell me of the conversation they had as they walked to the house as she would not let him carry her "she is so upset she thinks she's killed Edward, don't worry Esme, he will repair himself, Carlisle thinks it will take a little longer as he is in shock"

"What happened to Edward" I asked him

"you'd best see, it's not easy to explain, I'll watch the child for you if you want" he replied and appeared in the kitchen so I could tend my son.

Carlisle was bent over the couch with Emmett and Alice flanking him, I saw Edwards feet hanging over the side of the arm and he looked ill, so grey and lifeless, it may not be so obvious to a human but to our own kind we can see these things, he was at least breathing, as I moved closer his eyes were closed and Carlisle was examining his now chest and it was just his torso that looked harmed, large holes as if he had been staked were open and dotted across his torso, one so close to his heart you could see it.

Carlisle reassured me that all would be well and Alice did the same, he advised me to watch the children, I had to explain to him that they had vanished but were still in the house, I headed back to Bea and the ever emerging decorated cupcakes, this freed Jasper to help in any way he could he could feel his brother's feelings they were full of concern and trying to move he needed to pacify Edward before he did something irreversible.

From the kitchen I heard Alice's voice say to them to move aside, at least she had some idea of what's happening, then I heard a gasp, and Emmett announced "he's gone, where did he go?, tell me you all saw him vanish, this is freaky"


	9. New Years Eve Cont Pt1

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters of Twilight.

I've just re-read the last 8 chapters, it's not the best writing I've done, but it ain' the worst either.

I like the comments you've made Simaril - your answers are to come, from chap three. whitegurl2013 cheers for the encouragement and Kathy, I hope your still loving it.

New Years Eve Continued

Edwards internal monologue – Part 1

That hurt... THIS HURTS...a lot, Ahhhhhh! I can't move I feel like I've been impaled on a dozen spikes. It's like I've been locked in medieval Iron Maiden... I don't have any other explanation for what I feel, I'm dead I can smell her so strongly and feel such body heat it can only be her, I can hear a heartbeat. This has to be it I died...

How did I die? How did this happen?

Esme's thoughts of a human, Emma, on the stairs. The woman didn't look like My Bella, but when Jasper ran past her he wafted her scent up into the air, there was no mistaking the heady combination she was my Bella, then he bit her or at least went to, I didn't give time to reading his mind he had her in his arms and she slumped as if he had. I had to rescue her I had to get her away.

She looked amazing in that long dress, not that she wore many of them and bare foot too just how I like her, shoe less was always nice, the way her legs and feet would inter twine with mine, the heat from her toes alone would make my cold heart soar and my wanton urges peak. I guess I've seen Bella in my head for too many years to realise that she was really, standing on the stairs I'd imagined her like that every time I walked in.

'Get out. Save Bella. Get her away safe' was all I had in my head, I had her in my arms, her scent assailed me the way it had before but my monster did not rear its head, it stayed dormant it was my cold dead heart that made my body run faster as I felt her body heat melted into me, I didn't care where I went, I just to have her safe away from Vampires.

I felt her come round from her faint, she spoke.. Well more screamed the word 'NO' and I felt pain, such pain and she was out of my arms I let go in pain she was gone, I was on my knees stunned then I felt myself slump to my back and darkness, only the thoughts of those around me offering me a window out.

What's going on, Emmett could not see her, no one could, I was slumped on my back unable to speak, I felt myself be moved, strong arms carrying me.. now I'm on the couch and they are looking at me, I can see it in their minds, I look dead, grey and cracked, my chest not rising I feel it too, not breathing is very uncomfortable and disorientating without my other senses to assist me. That's Carlisle checking me out I recognise his feel of hands and what I see in the minds of my family of on lookers.

I've got holes in me, it looks like I've been hit with spikes, my first thought about the Iron Maiden does not look far from the truth, what did she do? and How? I Know I can heal from this, we all can but it will take time. Ah what did I do, was she real, why can't I see her in anyone's head to know what and who I saw, please one of you think of Bella, Alice why is your head full of nothing, a blank space moving in room.

Alice's voice at last I should see her vision for words "Move aside" she said to Emmett and Jasper but nothing. I am worthless, I had my love and I lost her again... Warmth, I feel warmth to my side, but I can't see what it is in anyone's mind, hands the feel of soft, warm hands... on me, it's... I have no words for this sensation.. I can breathe the warmth filling my lungs via my wounds is making me heal faster, I can hear a heartbeat, oh please let me open my eyes to see.

Scent, Ahh! It is her... Bella move away my mouth is watering more venom than I can swallow back, I could kill you, your too close I'm not in control.. It's been too long the burning in my throat will be too much, please don't... Ahh! Panic fills me with fear as I feel her hands rising up my chest, touching my neck, stroking and caressing my neck ahhh!.. My face... Stop this before the monster takes over and... Oh god I'm scared I'll hurt her... please don't let me lose control please... her hands on my eyes, nose I feel them on my lips please, please... is she completely crazy?

What do you mean "he's gone, where did he go?" I heard Emmett say. I'm right here, I can't move, I've not moved "tell me you all saw him vanish" what do they mean vanish? I can't hear anyone's thoughts, what is happening to me, Am I dead? ... Bella please stop, as much I long for your touch this is maddening I can't control myself when I can't move.. My brain is praying in as many languages as I know trying to control the onset of the monster I could/would strike without warning.

Hot gentle hands stroking my face, such bliss.. Heaven... It is her scent... I feel her breath on my face, her mouth against... mine... What? ... It's not burning, I'm not in pain from her scent? I must me in control, Wow, for want of a better word my euphoria has pushed my fear away...I want her back... come back.. Please... to feel that kiss, just once more, to see her, please lord allow me this...

What's she doing, her hands are.. she's found my wounds, my shirts been lifted stiffly, I feel her fingers and breath against my flesh as she examines me, she should not see me like this it is not right for her... Her flesh on mine this is increasable her heat is so... I can feel it licking my insides as it envelopes me, wrapping me up making me feel alright. It should be me making her feel this safe.

I hear her; "Oh Edward, I'm sorry, so sorry I hurt you, I've thought of you every day. Please wake up, I need you" she's crying... she needs me, it's her voice but... a British accent? What?

"I'm so sorry I hurt you I thought you were one of them. No one takes me away, no one, I didn't know my shield could do this, it only ever hid me before, please put yourself back together, I've seen you do it before, please to loose you now.. Please Edward get better"

Red hot drops of liquid hit my bare skin burning me a little, her body's getting hotter, then it vanished as I heard Alice say with some urgency "help roll him" it went cold and I felt the more gentle warmth of vampire hands as my shirt was ripped clean off me exposing my wounds to them all, I did not like the gasp or the sight I saw in their minds, but did not feel my father's touch just the immense warmth returning "what's she doing?" I heard Emmett say, Jasper shushed him, "leave them be Emmett give it time, he is aware she is there"

Red hot fingers probed my wounds as I felt her fingers smooth over the tops of them, she lean in and.. her mouth, that glorious mouth kissed ever so gently where my wounds ached and the pain eased, I felt her stroke my back and arm, I was truly in heaven to feel this touch after so long. Her hands gliding gently over my bare back the lightest of touches making my flesh tingle wildly, a sensation I allowed the days before she was taken when we lay together before she slept when I would remove my shirt, a compromise for her being so tightly bundled up against my ice cold skin.

She is my saviour, my love, so much more than my life, I shall lay myself before her, ever her servant, forever her guardian to see her smile would be reward enough and all that I deem I'm worthy of, she is alive after all those years. How can I feel so much joy when I cannot see my love?

I can hear my family discussing what happened at the tree line and I see images in their heads of Bella. Why do they call her Emma? Her words telling them of her time in Voltarra. The image for her in pain, contorted and restrained like Alice, but she lives, they did not kill her. My heart will burst forth from my chest, I feel butterflies dancing in my stomach as she skims her hands and lips so lightly over my healing icy flesh, I can feel myself shaking as these feelings consume me from my insides spreading outwards.

Her hands are pulling at me? She's pulling me to my back again, hands on my head, tears burning my face I feel them running off my cheek as if they were mine, her kisses and her plea again "Edward please, I'm sorry I didn't know I could do this, I didn't know it was you" she sounds pained by my condition, will no one tell her I well recover from this? "please kill me before you go, one bite I'm all yours to consume make yourself well, please" what was she saying, I clamped my mouth shut as hard as I could, I have no idea if it worked as I feel her fingers at my lips brushing my teeth with her skin is she suicidal?

'No Bella, No Not now I will not kill you' my head screamed at her, as I tried to convince myself I was in control, I was relieved when she gave up and put her head on my chest. She suddenly blurted out "I can see your heart, I stabbed you in the heart" her kisses at my breast were so gentle, her shaking hands were tender and warming, I felt her tears hit my chest searing my flesh, one fell into the cavity, and singe the wound tract as gravity took it further in to me I felt it rest on what was once my beating heart. My heart lurched as I tried to move to holder her, she kissed the sealing wound trapping that single tear inside me, I felt it sit there at the base of my heart the only feeling of red hot liquid I'd had inside me since the day I was changed.

My wounds are almost closed and I can feel my strength coming back to me. I so wish to open my eyes and see my angel, I heard Carlisle say "its fine, they are both there somewhere, just talk as if you can see her" Esme's calm and tender voice close to the couch "Emma dear, we need to see your children, it supper time and we have no idea where they are. I think Alice is still asleep we need to wake her dear, can you please undo whatever it is you did to hide them"

I felt her lurch forward as if she was pushed slightly. Why do they call her Emma? Then a child's voice, "who's that mummy? Are you making him better?" tiny hands touched my arm, it was a cooler heat that that of Bella, she has children? I felt a smile form as I listened to this child of hers, then worry filled my mind.. is their father around, leaving me without my Bella.

Her words back were kind and soft "This is Edward, mummy's friend and yes if I can" she said

"Your touching him like you used to daddy, is he your boyfriend?"

Bella's hand slid from my chest to my arm in response to the question, the warmth to my heart was gone, she felt guilty touching me? It was an interesting choice of words boyfriend, I remember these words from her once before, she always thought I was more than that.

"he was once, I don't know now" she said with a far off questioning tone in her voice "but it feels good to see him again. Mummy needs time to sort some things out, it's very complicated honey it was before your daddy" the child's words '_like she did with daddy'_ does that mean he is no longer with them? She said _he was once_, does that mean? I don't care as long as I see her again and am in her life for even just a short while "are you hungry poppet?" I heard her say. Faint memories of how my mother used to address me as a young boy pushed their way forward from my long forgotten human years, it felt strange to hear words like these... so familiar so comforting.

"OK come here then" I heard her kiss the child and say "go to Esme and take her to Alice, if Esme is pretending she can't see her, bring Alice to her.. Can you do that?" I have no idea what's happening here why has she just said that? Why would Esme lie about seeing Alice? Alice was here. What's going on I need to see.

Her head came back close to me again, I could feel her breath on my flesh "I should be honest, I have no idea how I feel, I wish I did, I wish I could be the same as I was but so much has changed, you may not like what you see, I won't blame you. It's partly my fault... May be that's why I'm still shielded" she laughed a little it was the same put on laugh she used to use "I had no idea I'd made my children invisible, I have no idea how to turn this off," she sounded puzzled like she did when she was struggling with a problem or other "Fred never told me that part or at least I could only shield to my arms if I crouched I was hidden, it was easy to release, it did not last very long, I guess I was really scared when you took me" she laughed painfully this time, it was no laughing matter, she can made herself invisible to vampires I assume.

Why does she think I'll not like her? Come on Edward open your eyes and look. Why can I not move yet? I heard Rosalie's voice "Emma, we need your help with the children, can you come?" Rosalie looks after Emma's children? What's this? How long has my family know where she is? The questions I can't get answers to, one question will open their minds to show me everything they know. I need to know.

I felt a kiss to my chest then I heard her say.. "if this is the last chance I get to do this then.." 'What does she mean, my head was spinning, what is she going to do? Last chance do to what?' she did something I was not expecting after the gentle touches her lips had given mine before, she kissed me... it lingered it pulled me in I could taste her on my lips, feel emotions within her laid bare in that kiss, this time I felt mine move to kiss her back not much just enough to feel her react to me how she used to, our breathing hitched at the same moment as a small amount of exhaled breath from our mouths mixed as I breathed, my senses were overloaded. My head swam with the heady aroma and flavours of my Bella... She pulled away my heart was suddenly heavy and I found it hard to breath just as I did the day she was to marry me. Her whisper so quiet for a human "I'll come back... if you want me to"

I went to nod my head but it did not move I pushed the word "yes" from my mouth now I could move my lips fractionally to form the word, I felt her face smile against mine and she was gone, I was alone, cold without her touch, I could suddenly hear the thoughts and words of my family.

"He's back" Emmett's relaxed surprised tone broke the chatter.

"Look he's healed, what has she been doing while we could not see them?" Alice said frustration dripping from her "I did not see this"

"I could think of a few things" Emmett jostled rudely.

I heard Carlisle reprimanded him for his inappropriate comment asking "Alice, has she gone?" I felt a blanket being draped across my lap, thankfully covering my physical reaction to Bella's closeness.

"she's with the children, she will be busy for an hour at least. Edwards going to come round in twenty minutes but he won't be able to move for a little longer we should sit him up when he's awake" her disjointed phrases indicating she was seeing rather than knowing where Bella was, her more definite knowledge on me waking was at least an end to the binds that hold me. All the same twenty minutes till I'm awake, not long in our terms but all the same...

Alice's thoughts came to me, '_Edward, don't try to move till you can, it's probably best to heal fully first, she did a lot of damage to you, you will be just perfect again in a few more hours, whatever she did to you was to slowed you down, I don't think she knew it was you, be patient'_

In voices quieter and faster than before I heard my family discuss what had happened. In the back ground I could just make out Bella with two children, discussing dinner and bed time it was the conversation closest to me that held my attention as much as I wanted to stay with the voices but as I tried to hold both Bella's voice faded as the taste and warmth of her left me.

"It's her shield it hides her, she must have activated it when she thought she was been taken, Jasper do you think she saw Edward before she activated it?" Carlisle said as he poked at me a little and shone a light in my unopening eyes.

Jaspers thoughts were on the events on the stairs, I could see it all from his point of view, feel his lack of interest in her blood, he was concerned about catching her before she fell. It is my stupidity; my fault that this happened, I over reacted again. "no she'd passed out by the time he'd left the kitchen doorway, she could not have seen him move, when she came round at the tree line the emotions from her were pure terror, she wanted to stop her attacker, I felt a confusion as different levels fear welled within her and then it all focused as she said 'NO', Edward didn't stand a chance" Jasper continued. That's true I had no time to put her down when she said the word.

"I think we should be careful in future not to startle or scare her at least when we are next to her, she did not say anything about defensive manoeuvre when she first spoke of her shield and this guard Fred who taught her. Do any of you know or have heard of a Fred with any kind of gift at Voltarra?" Carlisle added with concern in his voice for all of us.

Emmett's words of wisdom seemed to speak of another event that happened to Bella "if what you said about her, not liking men being close is correct, and going on what we heard the other night, being human she could have reacted to that as well as what she fears for the Volturi, she is very protective of those children, Rosalie's complained about the number of times she's seen her checking up on where they are."

"Could be, could be" Carlisle said in the tone and manner I knew he was pondering the options. "now... I'm pleased with the wounds can he have a shirt, he should have the final few covered before Esme see's I don't want to panic her too much, I know she saw when she popped in earlier but all the same, Alice dear would you, there is no need to add to her worries"

I felt and smelt a fresh cotton shirt being pulled on up and over my ridged limbs, and buttoned up by Alice, the scent masked Bella's a little as she covered me hiding the smell of the dried salty tears. I wished it was Bella there; her warmth was all I wanted to feel against me. I focused my attention on Bella's voice but could not hear anything. I just wanted to hear her, now I feel a little more like myself, sounds are so much clearer rather than the foggy mix I was hearing before.

"If it helps" Alice bubbled as she buttoned me up "if we want to see her before Midnight at least., she and this Fred" she started to say and then went off on one of her tangents, I saw it in her mind I wish she'd get to the point "he's gross I have to say, how she got that close to him I will never know"

I saw Bella, 'push and hide' was all she had in her head and the actions of pushing away and crouching on the floor as still as she could.

"Alice" Carlisle interjected

Alice continued "their plan was defence only to repel and hide, she was to push away and pull her shield as she landed, to stay crouched on the floor and stay hidden till she was safe I saw her the plan form in her head as she came too aware of the cold air, she went to grab Edwards hair to test it was real, something in her head told her he was fake"

"What's that got to do with now Alice" Emmett said

"She's still protecting herself, silly.. From what exactly I have no idea. She trusts us or she'd have gathered her children and left, but she came straight to Edward after Jasper took her to her room. Edward needs to make her feel safe, she feels guilty for what she's just done and her life for the last twenty years. He's the only one to help her switch this off" Wow Alice, guilty it was one of her traits to blame herself, but she was not to blame for her kidnapping it was to get back at us, what she did was survive and I'm so proud of her.

Every image of her played in my head, the first day I saw her at school, how she haunted me when I hid with the Denali hiding like a coward, the way she looked when I saved her life, and when I rescued her and our first meal _of sorts_. Through Jessica's eyes when she was talking of how she felt. Her sleeping face in the sun light when I snuck to see what she was reading. Our first kiss, a warm feeling rushed through me when I thought of that... _such memories_... I hear her voice again; she was talking to the children about desert.

The feeling faded as did the voices, I wanted her voice back in my ears, I wanted her arms around me, I needed her comfort she affected me in more ways than I ever thought possible, she changed me irrevocably, I let my head run the images of her I've been running almost constantly since the day she vanished, I could not live without her face in my life. I heard her voice again, I wanted no! needed to hear it constantly now.

I remember her agreeing to marry me and again the flush of heat rushed through me spiking at the tear drop at my heart making it vibrate and warm as I heard them, this time upstairs, stories about a Gruffalo creature, I felt the need to protect them from as I heard of this creature's terrible teeth and terrible claws, Orange eyes and Black tongue, what kind of bedtime story was this?. I hung into the warm feeling inside me and heard the end of the story before it faded again to silence, I smiled at the mouse's courage, like hers.

I was aware I could move my fingers and toes, it was not long before my head felt heavy and my eyes eventually with effort opened, the room compete with Christmas tree, the all the decorations you'd ever need and toys, lots of them. Alice bounced over to me and kissed me "your awake Edward, we have so much to tell you" I could not speak no words came from my lips as hard as I tried. She bounded over and hand me a gift "open this first, I think they will help get your strength back" in her head I saw Bella holding the box that was within the wrappings, Alice had blocked the content from my view so not to ruin the surprise, the calendar next to Bella showed it was fifteen years ago when she got this.

It was heavy, an odd sensation for me to feel, I had trouble moving it my arms were stiff, I managed to rip the paper off and smell the person who wrapped it wafted upwards, it was her, I opened the box and there inside was a glass paperweight, heart shaped, I tipped it out onto my hand, inside red liquid moved, the inscription through the liquid read 'this is all I have left to offer you' I smelled it again and felt my taste buds tingle it was filled with blood, hers. Her heart and her blood.

My heart swelled and I heard them again, voices in the distance, "goodnight sleep well" she said and I heard her kiss the children.

"Will the bad men get us?" one said

"not here, not here, I think Uncle Emmett with stop them don't you?" she said sweetly "sleep well, I love you" I so want to hear those words said to me, I heard her close a door and move to a different room, the sounds of bedding as she lay down then as she lay they there I heard "Oh Edward"

I was suddenly aware I could move more of me and the paperweight was no longer weighed anything at all in my hands. I lifted it up to the light and looked through the glass. Round the edge was writing 'forever and for always yours' the name Bella was hand etched at such an angle and size it would be hard for a human eye to read it clearly.. My heart swelled again with the memories of what we had.

I pushed my hearing back to where she lay, and heard an argument. Or at last a one sided one, who was she talking to?

"Why can't you leave me alone" she said

"Yes I do have feelings for him, what's it to you? he was before your time"

"So what, I bet you'd be happy if he takes one look at me and hates what he sees"

"Leave me alone, and don't wake them, I'll get someone in to remove you and you don't get to see them again"

"no I promise you that, I can't take any more sleepless nights, I can't take any more of anything please leave me alone" I heard her move off the bed and the sound of something being unplugged "It was a long time ago, like I said before you" As the sound faded I heard the door to her room open and close, she was coming back. My heart soared again at the expectation of seeing her with my own eyes.

I heard my family turn their eyes from the ceiling 'he's back, I'll just help the children sleep soundly, so he can't wake them' was Jaspers thoughts as his eyes stayed looking up. The rest of them looked at something on the other side of the room, Reading their minds it looked like a baby monitor and a note next to it sat on the table. Emmett went over to see what it was as there were lights flashing away on it for a short time he looked at the note _I hope you won't mind if I bring this downstairs tonight at least you can see the noise they make when the lights flash Emma. Sorry for making them vanish I didn't know I could do that to them too._

As I read his mind and the words of her fare hand, I felt warmth from hands on my shoulders behind me, I still could not turn my head to see her but the hands as they slid down to my chest had rings I did not recognise, the hands were older than I remember and I saw more scars on them, I heard Alice say "let's leave them be" and I watched as everyone left the room closing the door behind them, "they should be back in view by eleven o'clock" she added as they all went their separate ways.

Her head was on my shoulder as she hugged me, it was such an amazing feeling to have my love this close to me again "Sit with me" I said stiffly, I felt her body move round and settle on the couch next to mine, she was cautious, no longer touching me as she did when I was for all intense and porpoises' unconscious. I wanted to see her but she was to my side, I moved my hand to touch hers, the paperweight slipped on my lap reminding me to thank her for it.

I held her hand "Bella I want to see you but I can't move fully, won't you look at me" I saw her head shake her hair moving as she did this sending waves of her scent at me again, her hand move to pull away "please, Bella I need you, why won't you look at me now" I asked again. "I promise, I won't hurt you... I feel so undeserving of the way you touched me already" I confessed as we played with each other's fingers, feeling as I spoke electricity spark up between us as we gently intertwined but never completely locked them.

My heart was aching with the lost years "I can't move, my love... I need to see you" I tried to turn my head and managed to see her a little more, her dark brown hair was just as dark with the odd white strand hidden within its locks, it was shorter, much shorter to her shoulders and it was hiding her face. I tried to lift my hand to pull the curtain aside but struggled to get my arm high enough.

The frustration was making me angry with myself but I knew I had to stay calm for her; the lights on the monitor across the room flashed green and red, she looked and waited watching, I could feel her poised to move but I could not hear a thing from it having my senses dulled like this was a little worrying. She got up and the thoughts and voices of my family came to me sharp and clear, as she vanished from my view, something about being with her made everything silent, I looked for her but she was nowhere to be seen.

I threw head back to vent some of the anger I felt for taking her, making her defend herself and being stuck like this, it was my fault, my hast had caused this.. I spotted the clock on the mantel piece it was eight thirty, we had three and half hours before Alice's prediction of her appearing, I'm not sure I could wait that long. I felt warmth again to my side and my head cradled in her hands as they lifted it, her arm blocked my view of her face, as mine came up I saw she was still wearing the long black dress, she was crouched next to me her head on her knees and her bare feet poking out under the hem.

I dropped my hand to touch them, they were cold to the touch but she did not flinch or pull away. I tried again to reach her hands with mine and made it this time, pulling them away from her face under the weight of my own "look at me Bella" I asked almost begged as gently as I could, I was scared to let her see me after I failed to find her. "Bella please" her head sunk down further then slowly she raised it but she did not lift her eyes to mine, her dark brown pools of heaven were still avoiding me.

Her face was.. was different, I scanned it again closer this time and saw the implants stretching her cheeks to change the shape, I looked at her hair line and saw the neat stitch marks, her eyes flicked upwards for a second and I saw scars on her pupils, the color was not brown, "Bella, look at me please, what did they do to you? my love" she flinched away, her reaction hurt me.

"Bella" I was in pain my voice shook in desperation to know what pain they had put her through. I wanted to comfort her to hold her, my hands came up to her chin ever mindful of my strength and the amount I needed to move my limbs at this time, control was difficult, I managed to touch her chin and lift her head so I could see her eyes, tears pooled at them, as they came into my view she closed her them to hide and the tears broke free streaking her face.

"I'm not who I was anymore, you won't... " she stopped mid sentence shaking in her effort to control her tears, "I'm sorry, this is very silly. I should not be this pathetic... You won't like what you see in me" she sounded like she was drawing strength and then she opened her eyes, they bore straight into mine, never blinking she stared hard eyed at me. BLUE they are blue she didn't look like Bella at first glance but I could see her behind the blue and the implants and she smelled like he, her height was right for Bella. I was speechless, I swallowed hard, it was Mt Bella there was no mistaking it.

She pulled away from my hands "different" was all she said and then she vanished, I felt nothing next to me but air.

"Carlisle" I yelled confused and frustrated.

There was a polite knock at the door and he entered "Edward is everything alright?" he asked with his cool bedside manner

"Bella, what did they do to her" I demanded as anger built up in me

"in what way son"

"Her face" I said through gritted teeth,

"Oh! It looks like they added a few implants, easy to remove but she won't discuss it" sounding like this was a discussion I'd missed and he knew more.

"her eyes? They were brown, now they are blue, is that possible?"

"Actually yes it is, it's quite simple if you know how, the color suits her skin tone don't you think" no I don't think.. my defensive side screamed out as another part of my brain was seeing her blue tear filled eyes with and the depths seem deeper than her brown eyes ever were, such emotion was held within those blue watery pools they were like sapphires they did complement her skin tone.

"What else did they do to her Carlisle" I asked a little calmer.

I was trying to read his mind, hopping I'd trigger memories of their conversations but he was practiced and had it closed to me, but I noticed he was suddenly aware of a warm feeling similar to the one I felt when she touched me, I heard her voice through his mind talk to him before he answered my question 'Please don't tell him, he does not need to know now'

He cleared his throat and said "you need to ask her, yourself, now if there is nothing more I'll leave you two to catch up, I'll put this on the side for you before you crush it" his mind was again blank to me as he picked up the paperweight.

Frustration ripped through me and I threw myself down in the couch, laying across its length my arms now above my head and my eyes tightly closed with thoughts of what they could have done to her, I felt her hands touch mine but I still could not see her, but I heard her clearly "Don't be angry, you may not like what you see when you really look, I'm sorry but I want to fill my memory with seeing and hearing you after so long I want new memories, my heads not like yours, it can't remember things with the clarity you spoke of" I gripped her fingers with mine, if this was the only way of stopping her from leaving me then this was what I'd do.

"What do you mean? Don't go, you can't say that, I will never change how I feel about you, never, you must know this" I said truthfully

"No! you will find what you see discussing, unlovable, you will be angry... its better this way, please let me go" my head was spinning I needed to keep her here. Something was starting to ring in the far corners of my head, she is scarred I'd not like her? The conversation earlier with whoever she was talking to was about not liking what I see, she confessed to having feelings for me, there was some hope for my aching heart. Alice's vision about me being the key. My internal monologue suddenly uttered 'Do I need to prove that what she looks like means nothing, I love her regardless?' my memory scanned every conversation I ever had with her and I recalled she has some issue with age dose she still have this hang up?

"Bella, sit with me" I said trying to sit back up and failing I could feel her trying to assist but she is not strong enough. "Won't you lie with me" I amended "like we used to, for old times' sake it can mean nothing just a new memory, I can't move, I'm sorry. I just want you next to me won't you please let the strongest memory I have of us be refreshed too" she moved my arms one by one with effort back so they rested at my side, then I felt her warmth next to me on the couch, I moved my arm out to support her head as I felt it come to rest on it.


	10. New Years Eve Cont Pt2

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters of Twilight.

chap 9 Pt2

New Years Eve Continued

Edwards internal monologue – Part 2

I can feel her body heat but still not see her, it was frustrating not seeing my Bella in my arms but at least I could feel her heart pounding away next to me, we stayed still like this as the clock ticked the seconds by on the mantel piece, I could have stayed feeling her warmth the length of my body for every. I felt her relax a little and fit herself to my stone shape just like she used to as emotions engulfed me, my stomach jittered and the muscles beneath spasmed as her hand touched and slowly settled where my shirt had ridden up after I threw my arms over my head, the burning heat warming the last of the Mountain Lion I consumed before I started my journey here, the feeling swelled my heart and I felt that tiny tear drop of hers inside me soak into my stone heart making it tingle and pulsate like a mini heart beat.

I pulled her closer to me without thinking, a response to this feeling, her legs found their place on mine, I felt her head snuggle in, when I looked down at where I felt she was I saw her, she was looking up at me, I don't think she knew I could see her but our eyes locked all the same. I heard nothing from the room, not ticking clock no voices of the others it was just us, inside her bubble again. I could die now knowing I was back with my love in my embrace.

Her moist blue eyes made me feel as if she was searching for my soul, the only words I could think of rushed from my mouth as I lost myself deeper in her gaze "your alive" her smile was the same smile that greeted my daily daydreams so beautiful so warm. She nodded and to my surprise said "I didn't kill you"

"What do you mean?" I was a little startled by this statement but did not lose my gaze from hers, or want to break this moment.

"They told me I killed you"

"Who?" I was not sure if my family had said that or

"The Volturi"

I was furious, my anger boiled up inside me but I was too lost in her mesmerising presence to let is show, I did not want to do anything to break this connection, the tingling in my heart matched that which buzzed around us, it felt like it was binding us, all I wanted now was to kiss those perfect lips, hold that glorious face in my hands. My anger was subsiding as my need to be with her become more dominant, even after so long her affect on me is still astounding.

She stunned me when she said "I'm glad my guard caught me, if he had not done his job I'd not be here" she squeezed herself in to me and her hand moved further upwards to my chest lifting my shirt, I had no idea what she meant, it was like she was talking in riddles as felt her flesh touching mine, little windows to her past I would have to find the way to ask her knowing Carlisle will not disclose what she has already told them.

My need for her was overpowering my anger and need to take revenge I savoured the sensation as her heat saturated my ice cold sides forcing me to submit defeat. Part of me was starting to wonder if she would be getting cold being this close to me but she never shivered not once. Which was good as I did not want to lose this feeling right now as I recall, I had set my mind on being closer to her than this, a promise I made her that we would try after we were married, it seems those thoughts are still with me, the idea of placing a thick blanket between us was not a happy one but I loved my human and hated knowing she suffers because of me.

"are you cold" I asked out of habit she shook her head, wafting scent from her hair towards me, she still used strawberry shampoo, I have the bottle she used in the bathroom back at the cabin I built, when I have been really low I'd take a long hot shower and lose myself in the stream washing in these products filling the room with the aroma's she wore saturating my body with every scent of hers I could apply, if I hugged a hot towel I could almost convince myself she there.

"your still beautiful, you know" I said my heart speaking for itself, I moved to my side finding I could now move all my limbs normally, pulling her closer, she kissed my chest her fingers pushing a gap in the buttons so her lips touched my skin, so much emotion washing through me this simple act made my breathing hitch embarrassingly loudly I was glad her shield was masking us from my family. I would so wish to be totally alone with her, without them to hear us. I would ask if she wanted to remove my shirt?, We would lay like that before she went missing the feeling of her hands unrestrained, the feeling of her breath on my skin made it prickle I wanted that feeling back to grant her the same access, to surrender myself to her.

Her hand touched and stroked my throat I knew what her thought was behind this move, she did it so many times before, "do you still burn with me so close" she said, 'burn' she has not used that with me before, I tried not to use words like burn to express the discomfort her scent had on me, someone must have used them, I shook my head, melting in her presence "no" I said as I breathed out contentedly.

"Does my scent not affect you at all? _You know... _Your drug of choice" she asked as if remembering our conversations and my descriptions of how she affected me.

I smiled briefly thinking about it "your scent is still very much my drug of choice" my face beaming with the honesty I spoke of, "but it does not have the same affect on... the monster... I am in control of that part of me now" I answered truthfully.

"Oh!" she seemed.. but I'm not sure without reading her mind, surprised in a good way "OK.. good" she looked thoughtful before she said "I want to try something" it was in a tone I'd know her use before, when she's calculating her options, she pushed herself up so she was closer to my face, I felt her run her fingers over my face again, much as she did in the meadow all those years ago.

They crossed my lips and across my eyes making me close them, the scent from her hand alone was heavenly and making my head spin with the possibilities, I was partially distracted my the millions of possibilities when I felt her lips on mine, I opened my eyes to see hers open and staring into my the depths of my soul, I pulled her further into the kiss more than I'd not dared to before, her mouth moved encouragingly to mine more than it didn't when we kissed before she left, she'd forgotten the danger that lay the other side of my lips as I felt her tongue skimmed over them, I instantly pulled her away scared at we would push this too far.

She smiled at me, I felt breathless and shocked, "Sorry" she said "I won't kiss you again, I felt.. it doesn't matter. sorry" what does she mean won't kiss me again, did she misconstrue my reason for stopping as rejection?

"no... no" I pleaded tried to reclaim the situation "it's my venom, if I lose control I can" her fingers hushed my mouth as they danced in a very controlling manner.

"only if you bite" she said in a matter of fact way.

"What would you know of that, it's too dangerous" I blurted at her, I instantly wished I hadn't as she pulled away and sat up, her expression changed to one of hard, defiance, it was kind of cute on her but I did not like the dead and most deathly way her eyes were, it was no longer an angry kitten look I used to laugh at, my gut knotted as I feared what she was about to say as her intake of breath indicated I was about to get told something I may not like.

"I know, because I've seen" I swallowed hard knowing I was about to get a glimpse at her Volturi past "my guards wanted to know how you kiss me and not bite or consume, they were not allowed to touch me so they experimented" I hid my relief as she said 'they were not allowed' but I could see my relief at this small blessing was about to be shattered "What they did, how they experimented, was appalling" she turned pale as her eyes flashed with the memory "but it did not burn the humans, not how I remember it to feel when James... or change them" I flinched when's he said that monsters name, she touched her scar from that day and smiled, her eyes flicked upwards, if I were to believe what I saw it looked like she offered a prayer? She said human as if she were one of us, her disassociation with her kind disturbing me a little.

"Aro made them dispose of their experiments when he found out, I had to watch the final demonstration of what Venom can do" her eyes flashed to me with a look of ... understanding? Remembering how to reading her was hard without access to her mind "I understand your concerns for turning me. Except these humans did not make it they were killed before they opened their eyes" I was mortified, she'd witnessed the change it is not something a human especially My precious Bella should be subjected too, what damage had that sight done to her psychologically?

Before I could pass comment she continued "venom... unless in my blood stream will not turn me" she said with a smile "it still heals, you told me that part, but if ingested, absorbed it works differently, fixes other parts of you like my shield, I healed internally little faster too back then.. my guards and their hatred and fear of me put a little venom in my food and drink, I think to poison me but it didn't.. It meant I could push my shield not just to stop Aro from my thoughts which it did anyway but after some help from Fred and lots of practice I learned how to pull it down over me a little, it exhausted me but it was affective when Fred was not there to protect me"

I pulled her into me scanning her looking for signs of madness, my brain filtering what she said, this Fred again, who was he, the only Fred I recall hearing about with any gifts was from the mind of the newborn before she died her thoughts were of a grotesque creature, a friend, she thought he would be in Canada? Was this the same person?.. Why would a guard help her, don't get me wrong I am eternally grateful for this service but it goes against the will of Aro?

I scanned her lips as I mulled over the barbaric experiment she witnessed and kissed her to find I was pulling her closer to me, I put my tongue between my teeth, I'm not taking any chances with their sharpness, I let my lips part a little as her tongue flicked and encircled them an involuntary groaned of pleasure escaped me as I felt her tongue touch mine and my inside felt like the Fourth of July, my heart left my body as it burst into flames at the feelings that now swamped me.

I pushed my tongue to feel the shape of her mouth, the texture of her lips as I listened to her heart beat faster and feeling her body react in a way I'd not experienced before as a moan in reply came from her lips the vibration and tone of which made the knot in my stomach tighten as I caught my breath, I could hardly stand it the temptation to take her completely it was too great, thoughts and images in my head of how I wanted her close to me seemed to make the fire I felt burn more feverishly with each touch of our tongues.

I felt my cold dead heart warmed by her single tear took to pulsating four times putting me off my mental efforts to control the urge to pull her onto my lap and... I could not, should not think such things but the elation in my chest at these four pusses I felt was unexplainable. Overwhelming it felt as if the closer to her I got the more it felt as though it wanted to beat again?

She pulled way, snapping me from my inner self, I instantly recognised the giddiness she used to suffer when we were this close and our need for each other overwhelmingly intoxicating, she was more in control that I was, as I watched her body relaxed from its tensed position gripping at mine. It felt like she locked herself in place so not to follow her bodies desires, I felt an intense heat emanating at my leg where the top if hers were pressed close to mine.

Her head rested on my chest and I wrapped my arms round her feeling her body unlock and her relax further, I kissed her head, "I love you" I uttered into her hair, she shook her head "why won't you believe me, has too long passed? Have you moved on?" I asked she shook her head again. "What is it then? Why can you not see how much you mean to me?"

"How can you say that?, I'm old, fat... I married someone else, he hated what I looked like, why shouldn't you be the same? If you see me, what I look like, I cannot live with that again" she said, I felt her tears soak into to shirt as she fought with her emotions. She is wrong, I fell in love with who she is, not her looks although I have to admit she is still stunning, mature now but still with a fantastic curve to her figure from what I feel with my arms around. I like what I feel, she feel right for her age, right for my arms, made to measure why is she torturing herself? Why does she never see herself clearly?

"I love you, for you, I've spent the last twenty years looking for you, dreaming of you every day. praying I/we will find you" I felt her move to leave me pulling my arm from her shoulder, I moved it to her lower as she pushed it off her again to rest at her back to pull her back to me so she could not move.

"Don't, let me go please" I refused to move as her hand grabbed mine to move it "don't touch me there" there was some concern in her voice as she fruitlessly pulled at my hand, her body temperature changed and I felt my now healed body vibrate as it did seconds before she vanished outside.

"no wait" I said taking her hand with my free one to hold it fast, leaving my arm supporting her from falling off the couch as I did this I felt something under her clothes, at first I thought it was the hem of the top she wore under the dress but this was not that, it was all over her lower back, up as far as I could turn my hand without letting her go at least, I daren't follow it down past her backside that was not a move I was prepared to make "What happened.. " I asked unable to find the words my brain knowing the answer already as my hands followed deep pucked skin.

"Nothing leave me alone" she said. She did not feel like this the night I left her, something had happened.

"Bella, please what happened to you?" I was concerned, really concerned someone had hurt her, damaged her, is this what she meant when she said I'd not like what she was hiding?

"show me" I felt her struggle to get away her eyes were wide with fear as I held her tight, stopping her from rolling away, then she did something I was not expecting she rolled on top of me, her legs either side of my hips the burning heat from her core was directly across my pelvis, I was trying not to react to its call as her face never left mine, she had become free from my grip as I was about to take hold of her she pushed herself to my chest making my mind scream at me with options to keep her where she was then she flung her legs over the back of the couch and vanished from my sight.

Alice's thoughts and vision came to me loud and clear "Edward, she's behind the couch and she's about to run out the doors, take care Edward stop her" I watched her mind as the doors opened and her foot prints barely visible in the indent her shield made in the snow I saw the direction she would run, 'be quick Edward'

I saw the doors open before me and my heart felt like lead I knew she was leaving, I forced my body to ran finding my strength driven by my need for her. As I exited the house I saw Emmett's thoughts he was comforting Rosalie who was fighting with one of her many Royce related demons, she was expressing gratitude for us saving her, as Carlisle's venom repaired her body so you'd never know what they did, Emma's has not. I picked up on others of my family the end of a discussion where they obviously had been discussing aspects of Bella's past while I could not hear, I'd missed something about this dammit.

What does Rosalie mean 'Emma's has not', Emma is Bella the same person so what's the connection. I let this run in my head as I watched the path Bella would take and the indentations appear. I managed to block the way feeling something soft roll off me, the indentation in the snow looked like suddenly larger as if she were on the floor, I tried to touch her but my hand just slid off as if I were reaching to touch somewhere else. This was infuriating I was mad at myself for pushing this. Will I ever learn?

I dropped to my knees defeated, desperate not to lose her and apologising, the pain in my heart was like I was being torn in two, "Bella, Please.. Don't go, Don't leave now, please. I'm sorry I scared, pushed you" I felt a warmth at my knee and was suddenly able to hear her again, she was crying, I moved my hand to touch the warmth but was unable to find her hand she was blocking me again. Ahh the frustration I felt was unbearable to lose my heart again, I was on a rollercoaster unable to get off in need of her to save me, to feel her touch would sooth this pain that tore at me.

"I'm sorry Edward" she said "I'm not good for you, I have no idea how I feel my heart is like that paperweight but empty of emotion, I had to be that way to survive, I am cold and hard and heartless, there is no future if I can't give you need more than I can, I led you on I'm sorry... I just wanted to feel safe just once. But you love me so much, you have such high expectations of me, I'm not worthy of your affection, you won't like what you find and I'm afraid of your anger, I can't stand, cannot live with total rejection I'm too weak now too old to survive it again. Please leave me alone, my memories of what we had have kept me going till now please let me go, before I fall.

Instead of pulling away I felt her touch my finger tips, just for a second but it was all I needed I made my move to hold onto them, it was like she was using words and phrases Rosalie used to use when she waited for Emmett to change, she was worried he'd not like her or that she could love him how couples do after.. Another portion of my brain pocked me hard... is that what?

I pushed myself to focus on the conversations and thoughts of the house, 'hates men', 'she doesn't trust them she has to see past that to see him' Rosalie's thoughts ran, my heart lurched. Emmett was running the warning Esme and Carlisle told him about making sure he was clearly seen and didn't look threatening, not that Emmett could but all the same he was warned.

This attack they all mentioned was.. Oh my sweet Bella.. My love someone... I felt my rage build till it was almost visible and Alice's warning to me, 'control it NOW or you'll lose her' I could not bring myself to say the word.

I turned my attention to the soothing warmth under my fingers, "Bella love" I said trying to calm myself "I'm here, no one will harm you like that again, I promise"

"Don't promise anything" she said "you weren't there, there was nothing you could do"

"Bella please, let me in, I want to see you, I need to see you, for too long I have been without you and I can now breath, I don't want to lose that feeling. If you feel nothing for me explain why did you say you had to someone in the house earlier, why did you touch me and help heal me? Bella, if you feel nothing for me why did you lie with me?" I went on hearing Alice's encouragement "Bella, what I feel for you goes beyond what you look like, your physical age, it's you I love, it's you I need to make me complete" I didn't care that my family could hear every word, I didn't care about Emmett's teasing of me later I had to keep her and my heart was the only thing talking straight at this moment the rest of me was gearing up for murder of those men who did this to my sweet Bella and her children.

She answered my question but not how I expected "Because I wanted to feel whole again, safe one more time. If I had that, I knew I could live till my girls were gone... I'm afraid I'll lose you if you see me"

"but I have seen you, and I like what I see, you have changed, grown up into a beautiful woman, how can I not love what you've become, everything I ever wanted for you, everything I could not give you you have achieved. Oh Bella my Love, my life why can't you see"

"No Edward you've seen my face, how can you make a judgement on me so quickly, I was the wife of someone else, I slept with him, I had his children, my body is covered in scars from birth, life and..." she didn't say the word either.. just like Rosalie "you could leave me at any point at any time, you did it once before remember.. if you did that again I'm not going to survive it, it nearly killed us before when you left, I survived this only by doing all these things as if you were there... if I open the box I bolted shut sixteen years ago and let myself love you again, I won't be able to let go" I know that feeling I was fighting not to let go right now "if you don't like what you see, it may be too late...its best this way"

No it was not, my head screamed in frustration as I felt her fingers pull out from under mine, I held tighter than I ever meant to,

"you're hurting me, let go" she snapped but I was not giving up, I'd brake her fingers to keep hold of her right now...

"No, please, listen to me... I can't live without you, my heart is ripping open here to think I'll lose you again" my voice broke, in anguish giving way my inner feelings her hand stopped and I felt it flex at my knee, her little finger stroked the side of my hand.. my head screamed at me over the top of the ripping sound in my chest 'hands' that was it hands... yes... I let my fingers loosen their grip and let them gently play with hers allowing her to place hers under mine, I heard the clock in the house chime ten o'clock I had an hour before she's give up this shield.

I let myself focus in what I was feeling, finding my heart warming and vibrate the longer she stayed in contact but I could also feel and hear her shivering invisibly before me, "your cold, let me take you inside?" with my free hand I scooped it under the snow where I assumed she lay and waited "Bella, let me take you back inside" I said softly, I felt her body shudder as shivering convulsions rocked her.

Always so stubborn, then her hand was on my shoulder and I could see her again, she was red faced, her lips were blue, Esme would not be please with me to see her like this and tears flowing down her face froze a little on her chin, she was shivering as she clung to me, she looked so vulnerable. I looked at her beauty even like this, she was everything I ever wanted, she nodded and I stood up holding her close to me I tucked her head close to my chest.

"let's get you warm" I said as I raced back to the house, I heard someone adding more logs to the fire so when we got back to the living room it was hot. On the couch was a change of clothes for her and a screen was now located in the corner of the room, I placed her on her feet, not letting go in case I lost sight of her and handed her the clothes. "I'll not look, go and change, I'll be right here" I turned to the fire to warm my hands and saw fresh pants on the arm of the other sofa on top of the now folded blanket, my pants were wet after kneeling in the slushy British snow.

I changed in the room, I could changed faster than she would ever see, even if she did may be seeing me would free her from her fear a little, I don't know how her head works my gentlemen's upbringing being thrown out of the widow for a fraction of a second as I exposed myself not wanting to leave her alone, I heard the movement of fabric and then the movement of the fresh warm jeans and top the smell of the items wafting up from the screen letting me know she was nearly dressed.

I sat on the couch which I'd now moved a little closer to the fire and set the blanket out on the back so it would be easy to pull it down to cover her. I felt her warmth envelope me again as she sat next to me as and the now dull ache in my heart vanish as if it was never there, I could see her, sock less and struggling to put them on. I took the socks carefully from her cold shaking hands and leant forward to add them to her beautiful but icy blue feet, I noticed scars round each ankle like ring marks, very faint they were old.

She snuggled back into my side and I pulled the blanket around her, "better?" I asked she nodded as I pulled her in across my lap, "is this alright? Or"

"Its alright, kind of safe, if I'm not too heavy?"

'Not to heavy' I snorted at this ridicules statement "Good, I want you to be, I want you to be here" I told her as I pulled my arms around her to indicate I did, so much want to hold my Bella in my arms and not one conjured from my memories.

It took a while before I felt her body relax, she breathed in deeply; she used to do that when taking in my scent. Her body temperature rose just as it used to do, making me smile to feel what I remember, I kissed her head again, happy that she was where I dreamed she should be.

"can I tell you something?" I asked quietly lulled by her intoxicating scent and warmth

"hum" she said sleepily agreeing

"this,,, is all I want. I want to be honest with you..." I started and found I stuttered a little as I confessed to her "I'm scared to loose you, to blink, to let go, I'm shaking can't you feel it?" her head nodded my smile forming more visibly on my face as she reassured me with her calmness "can we just see what happens, no promises, no commitments, just for now. I can't live without you, to walk away would be the undoing of me" she nodded again as if agreeing, my heart swelled as her head moved.

"Bella..." I continued at a whisper "I don't care that you've been married or you have children, it's the life I wanted you to have the one I could not give you, I'm glad you found it. If you still want me I am here waiting, but you must know you are so much more than my life, I am for ever yours in whatever way I can, do you understand?"

She nodded sleepily, "Bella, I love you, I wish you believed me at just how much" I added even quieter into her strawberry scented hair she was so close to sleep, I wanted her to hear me I also wanted her to rest.

"I know, I'm sorry I'm not very... with it right now... I'm so t.. tired now" she said with a slur, it made me grin to hear her like this.

"Sleep my love" I cooed

She slumped on my lap and I held tight to keep her supported, she did something I was not expecting she slid her one hand under my waist band of my pants, her fingers long and flat as she pushed down till her thumb stopped her going any further, I froze un-breathing as her finger tips were so close to my manhood as it reacted to her touch against my bare skin, her fingers closed tight around the waist band "sorry... I'm won't... touch you... intentionally... you can leave so quickly if you change your mind and I don't want to move right now" she said slowly and sleepily.

Her hand stayed shut as she flinched a little in her sleep but it was everything I ever remembered and so much more, her other hand rested on my chest, her thumb lopped inside my buttons holding it in place, I was unsure of her hand at my waist band, it went against everything I was ever brought you to do and it was certainly something I'd never experienced before, her attempts to seduce me before were good but were focused on removing my shirt her hands never wandered or attempted anything quite like this, it too a while before I relaxed with her hand where it was, I was a little embarrassed at its location and pulled the blanket over to hide it from anyone who may enter, I don't want Emmett's jibes today.

I watched the fire flicker red and orange on her skin and breathed in contentedly loosing myself in the scent chastising myself mentally for starting to accept I would never fill my lungs with this scent again. My hand slid down her back as she relaxed and I found my arms tight round her too restricting, I found exposed skin where her top had pulled from her jeans I explored the small gap gently absentmindedly drawing circles on her back which used to relax her muscles quicker when she was younger.

The area was full of marks, deep and they felt painful; I pictured in my mind Alice's vision when she felt pain in this area, I calculated what would have caused cuts like these. I closed my eyes pushing my anger away; I will ask her about this again another time as I felt a cloud of guilt wash over me, I had truly failed her for her to get marks like these, for her to feel such pain, if I could cried I would be now, the emotions welling in me with no escape I had not experienced this many mixed feelings since she vanished, I focused on cradling her as her softness and warmth soothed me.

How can I think of her as an angry kitten at her frustrations and annoyances after what she has been through and all because she loved me. I do not deserve this woman's affections, I should have run away when I could but the memory of our brief time apart when she rescued me from the Volturi keeps ringing in my ears, how I struggled to stay away, how my heart shattered and my whole being splintered without her to hold me together.

She was.. is not the weak one, she is so much stronger than I, look at her survival, she married, has children after all she has been through she seems sound of mind and of body. She has welcomed my family as if no more time as passed as a few months, human nature is truly amazing.

look at the wretch I am, I've been impossible to live with shutting myself away creating a shrine to my love, not even existing to assist or support my family. Praying Jacob would fine me and tear me apart, I was already emotionally in pieces.

I continued to berate myself my stupidity my weakness in comparison to her strengths when I saw the door to the living room open and Alice popped her head round the door briefly smiling knowingly, she looked at the clock, drawing my attention back to it two minute to go as she placed more logs on the fire and left, saying nothing but I could tell from the way she moved she was confident of her prediction but I still did not hear her thoughts.

Bella shifted on my lap flexing her hand at my waist band making my breath catch as her warm fingers touched my flesh, I had not worn any underwear, I haven't since I left home, I wished tonight I had providing a barrier from my ever twitching erecting and her touch. My mind was filled with the need for her touch I focused on the ticking clock as I watched the big hand move closer to when she would appear without the shield.

She moved her other hand on my heart and the sweetest sounds escaped her lips "Edward don't let me fall" it was as though she breathed the words, I was not sure of the significance of what she said and assuming she was dreaming as she clutched at my shirt and waist band, the clock ticked the seconds away I could not tell any difference I was already seeing Bella, as the clock's big hand clunked past the time Alice said and I saw red lights of the baby monitor flash red and heard Esme saying "they're back, look bless those sweet children, get jasper to help them sleep through, before her husband tries to wake them"

I heard Alice move from the other side of the door and her thoughts 'now you can hear me, you look good together, it will be alright now Edward', I could hear every thought in the house it was strange having spent so long with Bella in her bubble in silence, there were two heartbeats on the floor above, their minds were full of dreams of the day of my family and opening Christmas presents.

Unmoving and happy that everything had been restored I stared into the fire as contentment and the heat from it washed over me. I noticed a fuzzy blur in my field of vision to the right of the fire place, I stared at it for a while before I heard a voice I did not recognise.

"you have feelings for her?" it questioned with distain in it's voice.

Not wanting to wake her I nodded and said "yes" as quietly as I could

"Will you hurt her and them?" I saw it take on the form of a man and its misty head look upwards indicating the children

I shook my head "no" I replied

"do you love her" it asked

I nodded my head nuzzling my face into her hair "more than I ever realised I could.. yes"

"tell her I'm sorry.. for being an idiot, she was right I was jealous, I still am but what's the point she loves you, she just does not know it" it went on, who was this, why was it saying sorry for what it did? How did it know she loved me, my heart tingled and the tear drop within vibrated making my heart feel more alive.

"how do you know this?" I asked as Bella stirred a little

"it has been pointed out to me by those here who love her, those who I do not know, have never heard her speak of... that she should be with you. I was lucky I guess to have had her love while I was alive; her father Charlie has warned me off my torment of her and several of her and Emma's family have made it difficult for me to get to her after she put our girls to bed tonight" the use of the word had her love while I was alive and our girls, was he her husband? "My family here have shown me what I was doing and I must stop"

"who are you?" I asked

"Charlie Graham I was her husband, take care of them, I know what you are but even your parents are proud of what you have become, I cannot compete with a vampire for her affections, I know I was belligerent and selfish in my life and lost them but she never forgot you, in her sleep she would call your name and I hated it, she never called mine I knew who your family were and I wanted her away I see now I cannot scare her I will destroy her and that will leave our children without a mother" I was shocked, my parents are proud, my heart soared they are proud of me, I would shed tears if I could... 'Proud of me'... My family had said as much that he was troubling her at night and the conversation I heard was an argument, could someone change so quickly?

I watched the fuzzy mist become two people one looked like a cop, its height and rough build could be that of Charlie, it flanked the speaking figure "Take care of her Edward, she was meant to be with you son, make her happy" it said in Charlie's voice, before I could reply it ushered the other figure and they both disappeared...

Her father, he is this supportive? even now he knows what I am he says I am to be with her, my heart could hardly take anymore and I felt it move, actually move.. it beat for the first time in over one hundred years, its jolt made Bella clutch at me making a contented sound. I could hardly breathe I was so unsure of what I felt.

I pulled Bella into me for support, suddenly feeling it jump again as Esme entered the room with a tray of glasses, it was 23:35 the cool air from the door made Bella shiver and wake, she smiled at me and then at Esme, "sorry Esme" she said then her face turned to the clock "Oh my.. I got to wee Bea" she got off my lap and headed to the door. I tried to follow her but found the blanket tangled delaying me enough for Esme to put her hand up to stop me.

"she'll come back, she needs to take her eldest child to the toilet, a ritual she does every night, she will be back before midnight" she said "Jasper" she said knowing my brother would hear "would you let the eldest wake up Emma's on her way?" she added I heard jasper's thoughts as he focused on letting Bea free from his peaceful spell on her.

I listened as I heard her hobble cross the hall and up the stairs, her breathing heavy as she tired as she reached the top, I listened to her open her door and open the door to the bedroom, her words so soft, so loving "come on poppet, up you come" there was a moan and a groan and I could see resentful images from the child she moved, "Bea, come one please time for a wee" I saw the memory of what was needed in the child's head as it flashed through various locations till it settled on this house and the bathroom I assume was in their room.

"Good girl, I'm right here... there you go" there was silence. A bliss full feeling from the child and the sound Bella hated me tuning into, I can't see why it was part of being human, I tuned out listening to the sounds of the house and watching the dream of the youngest child as I waited for her return. "night night, sleep well, I love you" Bella said I heard the door close to where she had just come and without assistance or asking myself I tuned out again. How strange to find after all these years I tuned out when she was at the toilet. I knew she hated my hearing abilities when humans would not.

I heard the flush and the washing of hands, rather than her returning to me she sat on a bed and sighed, Alice appeared at my side cuddling into me, "she's collecting her thoughts, she will be back soon, she needs to have a conversation first" she said. I helped Alice put the couch back and straiten the room back to how it was without the screen.

More wood was brought in by Emmett and Carlisle brought the stone carafe containing our celebratory toast, we all stood still for a moment as the scent of human blood filled the room bombarding our senses, I watched Jasper as he swallowed hard and watched as his eyes went from black to topaz and his thoughts return to a stable and controlled state.

Upstairs I heard Bella "what do you want now?" she said in an exasperated tone

I heard the males voice again "do you love this vampire?" there was still an element of distain in his voice as he spoke, I did not hear an answer from her and I could not see through his mind either "then you should be with him, I will leave you alone, I am sorry Emma, I will try to learn how to take care of the children when they come to me, I promise" he said

"Wait" she nearly shouted "what is this? What's the change, why aren't you yelling and screaming?"

"It has been pointed out to me that I can't have you now, you should be with him, he is what you really want, what you've always wanted, I see that. I'm saying good bye, I have to leave you alone now" he said his tone was apologetic and remorseful.

"you know your can visit the girls, just don't scare them as you have been, that is all I ask" she said with compassion "I'm sorry too" she added. Silence reigned and she did not move, we heard fireworks going off in neighbouring properties, it was a sound we are not used to hearing as domestic fireworks are not as common back home.


	11. New Years Eve Cont Pt3

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters of Twilight.

Whitegurl, I so wish I had not checked my email at work and read your comments about the second part to Edwards monologue it made me cry.. Thank You.

Bella is lost, she has had to deal with a lot since she was taken, her confidence in herself never was all that great as we know but without Edward's love she believed it more thanks to the way she was treated and made to feel by the Volturi, her husband, the rapists and with all that she had the biggest secrets in the world and no one to share it with to do so would mean death to everyone she told and any remaining Cullen's before she found out at Christmas that they were alive and the Volturi lied to her.

I think her heart is thawing... It knows what's right for her, it just needs to remember how to overrule her head and twenty years of being safely locked away..

Sorry there are three parts to his monologue he always did over think things going by his morals and what Stephanie Meyer wrote in the brief peek she's published of Midnight Sun, which I so want to see more of...

Anyway here is the final part to New Years Eve... but not the last chapter of Discovering Bella Alive... keep letting me know what you think..

Chap 9 Pt3

New Years Eve Continued

Edwards internal monologue – Part 3

I was aware of her scent as the door to the living room opened, she had been crying by the looks of her face, she'd applied a neat line of black eye liner making those eyes deepen, I was stunned, what am I saying she is stunning. Esme followed her carrying in a bottle of Champaign, linking her arm in Bella's she walked her over to me and left her at my side as she handed the bottle to Carlisle.

As I watched Bella in my peripheral vision she looked puzzled as she watched the proceedings, it was a tradition we upheld there was no other substitute for that unique celebratory sound of a cork popping and the gas in the liquid fizz and boil over, we may not drink it but the gesture was all that was needed ,a token slice of being human.

We watched the clock tick the last three minutes to midnight, Bella and I stood next to each other, unsure of our next move and with an audience, my families banter was enough to distract us from the buzzing that tingled the length of my body, it felt like it was pulling me to her, I watched my Bella as she absorbed the conversations and the way my family interacted was so relaxed and practiced so human.

Carlisle picked up the Champaign bottle with mere seconds to go, heading to the French doors as he undid the wire cage. He popped the cork firing it into the garden exactly as Big Ben the clock on the houses of Parliament chimed midnight on the television he pored the single glass and raised it high, as if to toast the heavens, _he started this ritual the year Bella vanished, he will never tell anyone why he does this but most of my family's minds suspect it is to help keep Bella in our hearts the single glass takes pride of place in the centre of the tray and we follow him as he toasts it, I used to find it hard to watch as his thoughts and those everyone else ran their favourite moments of Bella's life with us, I took to arriving after this ritual was over for the last fifteen years or so. _

This year the glass was not placed on the silver tray and wasted, he handed it to Bella. His face and mind so full of pride it chocked me, her face lit up as she took it from him reacting to the expression he on his face as he leaned in and kissed her cheek. He put the bottle down and poured the stone carafe into the glasses we all had in our hands. Alice had foreseen that Bella would be fine with the carafe's contents but I kept my arm around her waist just in case, and looped my fingers into the belt loop at the side so she could not disappear, it was almost impossible to believe that she was next to me, the woman beside me from this angle looked so much like the Bella I once knew but the changes in her were striking.

I could see her face in the minds of my family she looked bemused as red liquid filled our glasses in the dim light of the room, "tradition" I whispered as I leant into her to kiss her "no one died" she smiled awkwardly.

Carlisle raising his glass "Happy New Year" and we all chinked our glasses and took a sip or in Jaspers case a mouthful, Esme's stern voice came sternly "Jasper, we have a guest" she reminded him in a very human way. I could feel the draw the blood had to him and empathised. But it did not for once have the same draw as it use to, our celebratory toasts were my and the families only taste of human blood, Bella seems to have cured me of that urge and desire and I loved her for it.

Bella laughed with us as Jasper looked like a scorned child, "I'll swap you" she said making light of the situation which made all of us look at her in shock.. "What?" she said a little more bubbly than her normal way, Carlisle remembered she's not eaten and alcohol tends to affect humans quickly if they are empty, I held on to her a little tighter to stop her minute and hardly noticeable sway "It's not like I haven't had to in the past?" she went on to say in a back handed way exposing more of her time with the Volturi as we all looked at her... the last time I knew her she was more likely to faint at the smell it than to want to drink it "more from necessity than choice I have to admit" she revealed in reaction to the looks she was getting.

"To Bella" Emmett interjected braking us from the revelation and tension we felt, I pulled her near and kissed her hair, making her stagger a little as I pulled her in, I saw then her face was flushed red, not as much in her normal blush but as if she was on fire her cheeks alone were glowing and I could feel heat off them.

She responded "To you all for still being alive" Esme's thoughts pained me, as they flashed through the conversation they had with her about her seeing them burn on a pier and killing Alice and Myself, I know she tried to stop her thoughts from forming but the blood had dulled her senses. I now know why Bella said she thought I was dead, why and how she moved on.

More toasts and a refill for us, Emmett was trying to get Bella to empty her glass so he could fill it again, he was liking the way the alcohol was affecting her, it was obvious she was intoxicated as she measured and calculated her movements which seemed to lack the precision we were used to seeing from her, I could not believe she was affected like this so fast but then if she has not eaten? I leaned in to ask if she was alright "I don't drink all that much, I don't fare well with high alcohol contents, especially on an empty stomach.. Sorry, I'll go get a sandwich in a mo"

Emmett pushed her a little too much being intoxicated himself somewhat and she was soon on her second glass as Alice left the room seeing Bella's sandwich of choice and went to make it... Emmett was poised pushing her for a third but was refusing as best she could but I could see him winning.

She surprised us as she challenged him to a dare, he's never refused a challenge, I was worried for her, he rarely failed a challenge and his pay back was worse... she took.. Well I say took it was more prised his part filled glass from his hand and handed him hers "race you to empty the glass... If I loose I will have a third if I win... get off my case.. alright?" he nodded "ready" she said with a knowing glint in her eye, what was she up to?

She swished the blood round in the glass as if it were a fine wine "one, two, go" Alice flourished as she stood with next us with Bella's weird looking sandwich. To my everyone's surprise she tipped the glass up and we watched her gulp it down and finish the glass before Emmett had taken his third huge gulp, I saw he was struggling with the gas and bubbles making it hard to swallow as he tried not to gag on the escaping gas. I watched the last drop vanish from the glass in her hand and her lower the glass, just before she licked her lips I saw the blood on her top lip, it was a stupid move but before her tongue started to clear it from them I kissed her letting my tongue escape my mouth following the line of her top lip removing the type A Carlisle had acquired, I had to hand it to her she had my brother there..

I pulled back and watched her closely for any ill effects of what she had just swallowed but there were none. She licked her lips grinning at me and with a wink she piled into the sandwich. She pushed Emmett to finish in the same way he would have goaded her but he could not swallow the liquid fast enough and frustration filled his head.. "You win" he said defeated "but this is not the end little sister" he triumphed

She staggered out the room after old langsyne, I joined her unable to be apart from her. I watched as she moved about the kitchen boiling the kettle and making herself a lemon squash, drinking two glass full's of the stuff before the kettle finished boiling.. I had to take over making tea; it was too much to watch her pour boiling water in her condition.

I stood behind her as she gripped the units for support, pulling her back onto me, letting her support herself on me as she down another glass of juice, nibble on a few biscuits and take a couple of anti acid tables. "Why did you challenge Emmett like that?" I asked curiously? As dipped my head to breath her in and kiss the soft spot behind her ear.

"He's not going to leave me alone till the bottle was empty?" I shook my head knowing full well how Emmett can get.

As I watched our reflection in the window she seemed lost in thought, I was about to ask her what she was thinking when she took a breath looking up at us "you know.." she whispered pulling my arms around her "I was made to drink more than that" I did not like hearing this but knew it was a possibility, she looked lost as she pulled me tighter round her "sometimes it was all I was given for days" she looked down as she remembered leaning her cheek on my arm as she curled in like a vulnerable child "when I passed out they moved me, disorientating me but leaving me in the dark, laughing when I could not find the door or the bed.. I tried to get over my aversion to it..."

Anger and disgust at the behaviour of the Volturi for what they did to her flared up inside me as she opened another portal onto her time there. The sudden silence from my family and Esme's initial thoughts of 'poor child' meant this information was new to all of us. All my family hugged each other in comfort at this as I too pulled her closer and rubbed her arm to offer some semblance of apology for my failings and support.

She sighed "I knew I'd win.." she continued with a happier note in her voice "Champaign is much fizzier than soda. I challenged one of the guards once to a fizzy drink when the receptionist left for me, is it cruel to say I enjoyed to see him struggle" I'm glad she got some revenge on the guards as I saw Emmett's thoughts and how he now felt, she looked at me and then to the wall, the other side of which was the living room "he will belch a lot for a few hours... Sorry Rosalie, his belly will hurt with the gas. a run may help... I did ask him to stop" she did, she was craze but I was proud of her for taking on my brother and actually winning, beaten by a human.. He will not live this down for a while.. she never senses to amaze me.

"look I need to get some sleep, I also need the loo quiet badly" she said as she made her way out of my arms and back to the living room where everyone was now laughing at the noises Emmett's body was making. I would be glad not to be near him when he needs to regurgitate, the gas was making him have human hiccups, from what I see in his mind a run may just do the trick, good luck to him though.

"Esme, Carlisle, Everyone.. " she started "Good night and thank you for everything I can't think of a better way to start a New Year and look I'm sorry I scared you all earlier" everyone hugged her and Esme was more apologetic for my reactions making me feel guilty again. Emmett's head went to the gutter as he realised I was retiring with her, he'd seen my physical reaction to her earlier and was not letting it go, I was pleased the gas was escaping his mouth as he went to utter his profanities making it difficult for the others and Bella to fully understand what he was saying, when he went to mime Esme was there with Rosalie to squash his exuberance.

I turned and escorted my Bella proudly and a little shakily from the room to the stairs, as Carlisle poured the last of the first carafe around the remaining five glasses, he left Emmett out on the grounds of not wasting it. 'Goodnight son' his thought came to me. 'Don't push her Edward, it may take time' came Esme's.

It was hard to not want to assist her up the stairs, she was struggling; pulling herself up by the rail and her breathing was laboured with effort. She hesitated at the door to her room, her hand slipped from mine to my fingers but she did not let go, I looked down to see she was biting her lower lip, small insignificant details of her character I cherished, her teeth bit down plumping her lip as it changed color slightly when she rolled and applied different pressure levels. Something was worrying her, I longed to hear her thoughts and have the courage to ask her but feared the answer I dreaded the thought of not being immersed in her scent and heat for even a moment.

She looked away momentarily my heart lurched and my eyes closed ready for rejection. I felt her pulling me by my finger tips, I followed without asking myself to blindly subserviently. Me. The world's greatest predator dragged by the lightest of touches to his fingertips by a human of all creatures. Praying almost on the verge of begging she does not ask me to leave, ever fibre of me teetering on the edge hopping she'd allow me to sit in her sleeping presence, her ever wakeful guardian, her vampire angel I recall using that term once before.

I sensed awkwardness, a fear as we walked into the dim sitting room, her heart rate was up, the way she moved, walking as if she were not pulling me, letting me make that choice to followed her to the couch, my mind was screaming she was unsure. It was when she turned to me I knew this was as far as I could go. She'd struggled with her thoughts and emotions as she crossed the room, it was etched on her face even before she spoke.

"Edward, I can't.. I mean..." I hated seeing her struggle with words like this "what I mean is, I don't know what you want to do? I need to sleep" she tipped her head towards the door where her bed was "I can't... you can't join me, I don't know if I can..." the tension in her face lightened and she looked relived that she'd said what she obviously wanted to say but it made me feel like I'd been left at the threshold "your nights yours, if you want to stay it's up to you but please don't join me in there... like you used to I don't think it is a good idea"

Rosalie's thoughts filtered through to me "Edward, don't push her she is human and I know it took me a while to want someone close after.. Royce" this confirmed what I suspected she was raped, my anger boiled within me, it took all I had to control myself so she could not see, I was glad Bella had headed to the bathroom and her back was turned I could not hide how I felt any longer.

She emerged from the bathroom, dressed for bed, it was funny to see that even at thirty seven she wore old sweat pants and a t-shirt she looked just as good in them as she did at seventeen, she wore a old cardigan over the top which she wrapped round her for modesty I guess, she was right everything had gone south but she looked beautiful to me and I always liked this look on her. She approached me hesitantly her state of dress must be making her feel uncomfortable. I felt my heart sag at the thought that my presence made her feel like this.

"I leave the door open so I can hear the girls. If they wake would you hide? It's not that I want to hide you being here, they don't like strangers and I don't want to deal with their screams tonight... come look" she nodded to the other door of the sitting room, taking me by the hand pulling me over to their room and went in, I stopped at the door where she let go as I watched her tuck the children in, covering their shoulders and kissing them good night she said their names, introducing them to me, "Beatrice Elisabeth-Rose and Alice Esme"

I know she could not see my face in the darkness, but it beamed when I heard the names, she'd named her daughters after my family, my mother. I closed my eyes to settle the feelings that swamped me, they had completely alliterated the anger I was struggling to contain earlier to amazement and joy. She ushered with her hands for me to leave the room, I watched as she pulled the door closed a little leaving a gap.

I stood back and watched her checked the door to the balcony placing the key on the windowsill above, just like she did with the door key in Forks. She locked the door and took the key from the door to the rest of the house and placed it on the shelf closest to the door "its not to keep you in" she grinned "if you leave, would you lock it, Esme has a key on the other side, use it so the girls don't wander about, you're welcome to stay, if you want?" she was leaving a lot of choices to me, but surly they were hers not mine to make? But she said I can stay she confirmed it twice and locked me in, it sounded more as conformation to herself but my heart was soaring at being in the apartment with her.

I felt a tingle in my heart when I saw she is sleeping under the red silk covers Alice helped me select when I purchased my first bed for her to rest in all those years ago. How can I express what I felt knowing she'd lain warm and safe under my covers nearly every night she slept here.

She kissed me good night, on my cheek this time and bade me Happy New Year and went to her room, leaving the door open enough for me to see the bottom of the bed and her feet move as she settled herself, I moved the couch slightly so I could see more of her from it and settled myself down, she moved about lot to start with then I heard her counting as she controlled her breathing then she exhaled and it was not long before she was noticeably drifting off to sleep.

I waited a little while before I got up and pushed her door a little more so I could see her shoulders, I could not open the door further the night light from the sitting room would be in her face, I wish she would have it off, but it is for the children. I stood in the doorway watching her, mesmerised.

She was dreaming, her eyes moved under the closed lids and her hands flexed, "don't let me fall" she repeated from her dream while she was in my arms. I saw a book on the table by the night light it was 'The Gruffalo' the story I heard earlier this evening, I was about to turn to take a look when her phone on silent, buzzed somewhere in her room, on or near the bed by the muted tone it made. For the love of all that's... does she not get any peace?

I heard her moan and search for the annoying object, "Hello" she said sleepily, I wish I had the nerve to go and get it leaving her to sleep.

The voice on the other end said "Happy New Year, by the way you woke me, What's up" it was a man?

"What? I wo... Where are you? & Happy New Year to you too" she said with a different air to her voice, she knew him, well by the sounds of her reaction to him. Is he a boyfriend?

"I'm at home, Your keeping me awake, Woman, I've got work tomorrow and you've got a flight to get ready for, as you forgot?" he said.

Flight? Flight where? And how was she keeping him awake, I heard another male voice groan in the background as if he was being disturbed

"how can I possibly have woken you from here? I'm not that good, have you been... Your board aren't you, was New Years rumpy pumpy not up to scatch?" she knew him, quite well by the sounds of the current line of conversation, is this friend gay if I'm to assume correctly?

"how dare you.. how just very dare you.. " he's voice was very odd, flamboyant and angry but laughing at the same time?

"hay its not my fault you pick up some boy and he's not up to standard, you should have asked me first, I know what you like... Cheers for reminding me about Skiing" she replied, Skiing she goes Skiing this is new? Cold, wet? Hum and very soon.

"You don't sound too pleased about it.. Its HIM isn't it.. You've found HIM? You do realise he's not on the couch but stood by your door, why is he not warming your cockles my lovely?" he said with a flourish, how did he know I was not on the couch, Blackpool is some way from here. Is he physic?

"What the.. How do.. Ahh Ian what are you playing at.. you woke me.. You called me remember.. get on with it" she sounded frustrated.

"hum" he said in a very effeminate way, "I'd ask you to put your phone on speaker but I don't think it's needed.. do you? Would you just get a grip and let him in, he won't hurt you and you know it..." he's saying things that he should not know, has she spoke about me? Broken the secret?

"Ian...But" she stuttered but he took over before she could complete her sentence.

"you, you there.. Man thing. Don't speak a word; I don't want to hear you.. it goes against the grain what you are but its right for her and I can't argue with what's written... and before you fume at her she has not said anything not even in her sleep, I just know and I know that you both should have your heads bashed together.. _Although best not.. with your blood lust the mess for one thing would be impossible for you to resist _look.. Take her hand and get some sleep, tomorrow is going to be difficult enough to deal with, stop moving the dam furniture and climb in with her..." he was talking to me? I wanted to join her what does he mean 'it is written'? "Oh! I warn you though touch her inappropriately and.. Well I think you got a taste of... just don't.. She needs time to heal as do you.."

"Ian" Bella interrupted him as shocked as I was at what he was saying, "do you mind explaining what this is about?"

"You'll never get to the interesting bit if I don't kick your butt, Your always thinking outside the box you need to look inside cause girlfriend you're in there and its time you got out, I've tried for years to get you to be you, who you really are... you need him, Kid, he's the key" there it is again 'the key' Alice said it earlier when we wanted her out from her shield, what does he mean.. "let him lie with you, how it used to be you both need this hon. Just breath, take his hand, try this once just for me, have I ever let you down?"

She said nothing tears welled in her eyes but did not spill over, his words obviously touched her and without access to her thoughts I may never know how many years he has tried to get her out of her box, I think I understand what he means though, she is always thinking of others, she did this before too

"Don't say anything, hold his hand, simple, easy, breath and sleep. My sweetness, he will watch over you, give him a chance.. for me?" his tone softened the hardened "you at the door, be with my best friend, make her safe, make her happy. She will let you, if she resists just take her hand, it will ways yield for your touch.. Good night my friend, I guess I can call you Bella just this once?" and with that he hung up.

I watched Bella from where I stood, she did not move for a couple of minutes just staring at the phone before she turned and put it down, when she rolled back to face me she lifted the covers to let me in, as obedient as any subservient I climbed in kicking my shoes off a I rolled beneath the raised cover, the heat as the covers folded over my shoulders was immense, her scent had saturated every fibre of the silk making a new and more intoxicating mix of scents, I rested my head on the pillows and looked at her in the now dark room, I'd pushed the door closed to match that of the other door.

My hands fell neatly into the gap between the pillows where I found one of hers, the other soon followed, it was like someone had flipped a switch, the electricity that flowed between us was as shocking as the warmth I was now being enveloped in, I felt my heart pound twice the second she touched me and fingers on one set of hands locked, the others stayed free, slowly and softly stroking fingers, I never lost my gaze from her face as her eyes opened..

In a whisper so quiet I'd only ever heard from her when we were at her father's house "I was so scared when they took me" I wanted to reply, I too was scared for her and what she would be subjected too, I wanted to save her, I wanted to find her. But I stayed quiet, this was time for me to listen..

"I saw a video of the house, Esme explained some of the mess I saw was you" she laughed I guess she remembers some of my outlandish tantrums, which all seem so childish and silly in comparison.

"If you'd come looking for me, they would have killed you, all of you, all of us... I tried to escape twice, I pushed the receptionist over one day her stupidly high heels got stuck in the stone floor and she fell, I didn't look back as I made a run for it, but I heard her scream as I remembered the route out from when we were there before.

I failed to get to the outer doors and was met by Heidi. They got two guards to hold me in the gallery and made me watch, they told the humans I was the reason for their deaths.. I saw, the fear in their eyes...it was..." I put my fingers to her mouth she did not need to tell me how it was to watch. "They warned me not to escape again, it was a week before I did when the sun was high I made it out of the window and onto the roof, I'd have made it to the courtyard with the fountain but I could not get down without going into shadows" she laughed again, this was not funny she did well to get that far, she did well to live through their roth.

"they chained me by my ankles, wrists and neck to the pillars on the gallery, I was there for three days I was made to watch as they beheaded Alice and pulled her arms off, but I know now it was someone dressed to look like her, but the coat they let me keep was Alice's her scent was all over it and a note in her handwriting" I ran my finger down her cheek wiping silent tears away before they hit her pillow.

"They made me learn English with this dammed accent, they killed so many people when I could not do it. Edward I was scared when they let the British tourists attack me when I could not pronounce words and phrases, they always stopped them before I bleed or became unconscious" I swallowed hard forcing my feral cry to remain silent and noticed the conversations of my family the floor below had stopped.

"I now know how long I have to hold my breath when someone grips at my throat as a guard sucks him dry. None of the guards were to touch me, they died if they did... they lost their heads" I was glad for this.. but for her to be.. I could not think straight My Bella hurt at the hand of other humans? The games the Volturi play are far worse than any Carlisle ever divulged.

I watched as she closed her eyes, sleep settling back into them "they left me in the UK, with Emma's Family.. that's my name Emma you need to use it when the girls are around, my family are not to know I am not their daughter... they threatened to Kill them and everyone in Forks I knew even Renée"

"it was a scary time when they left me, but at least I knew what the surgery was for.. and why they left Fred to guard me while I recovered... he was vegetarian like you.."

"Ah something about Fred at last" I heard Carlisle say to Esme,

"he knew you or at least knew of you, The Cullen's and not for the things Aro was saying, he saw the fight in the woods when Victoria's army attached, he was friends with that girl, the new born. He saw how you all treated her and knew what they were told was lies. When he saw me, smelt me he knew I was one he had been created to kill by Victoria but he decided he was going to protect me like you did his friend, he became vegetarian because of you, because of what he saw that day" Brie's thoughts were of this vampire. How thankful I am to him, to her for her presence even if it was sort lived.

"he taught me to use my shield, or at least which parts of my brain to use to make it work he says humans don't use all their brain unlike vampires, I guess that explains some of the things you used to say about your memory" she said to me, she was right.. I was curious as to how she got it to do what it did to me..

"The guard used to spike my food and drink with their venom, it made me stronger inside, I didn't break any bones when I was hit and when they changed my face I healed up really quickly and without infection, I've never had any infections in any of the wounds I've sustained since I was taken, I guess you were right it heals" I smiled at her remembering her telling me a little of this before.

"When I was better they took Fred off guarding me the other guards were not so nice, they asked me why I had a bite mark like theirs on my hand, I heard you in my head telling me to lie about it. You wanted me to asked them to tell me how many humans survived a vampire bite? When they could not answer they came up with their own reason for the bite mark, I added to the theories, I told them they'd die after touching me, my blood is poisonous...none of them touched me.. if they did Aro killed them without any witnesses, he seemed happy to play along as long as I was unharmed he seemed scared of me being turned or dyeing while with them, I think he is afraid of you?"

My Bella, always amazing me. it was a plausible theory but highly impossible that she killed vampires with her blood but the guard rarely left Voltaira and would not know any different, as for Aro being afraid of us I can imagine that would be true having seen his mind.

"Aro did not stop the rumours, but the things he did got worse knowing no one would touch me if I bleed, I had to stand on a barrel in the middle of that round room, when Heidi to came in with the latest tour..." I closed my eyes, I knew what happened next. She survived as the animals left her while they gorged themselves and... sights and sounds my Bella should not have seen, not as a human, not ever.. My stomach knotted not in how I felt for her but in sickening shock, Emmett was so angry his choice of words was not for Bella's ears, I heard Esme, Carlisle and Rosalie try to calm him as before the volume of his expletives woke the children.

The Volturi took Bella from me, from us, I heard my family gasp at some of the things she described, they changed her appearance and then dumped her here miles from everyone she knows, in a life and culture she has no experience of, it's so different to home but it's also so similar. She has remarkable inner strength to be as sane as she is, then too lose her husband and be attacked as she and her children were, from what I see in the minds of my family her marriage was not exactly ideal, no wonder she is resistant to me, she has had more than any human can bare and its taken its toll on her not so you can see, her friend was right she hides in a box.

"I'm sorry Edward, they sent me your shirt and gauntlet after I returned from America and I'd looked at Forks High School website and that of the hospital, I thought I'd killed you, I could not tell anyone why I was so depressed, why I did not eat".

"I could not even tell my new family why I came back from a walk one night with torn clothes" I stared at her in silence, trying to find think what she would have done to achieve torn cloths? She continued as I squeezed her hand slightly "I tried to jump off the school's chimneys only the guard scaled the dam thing and got to me before I could let go" she tried to kill herself? I could not breath for a moment, I'd lived through her death before, but to hear she actually tried... I was glad the guard was there to save her for me "I know now or at least understand why you tried when you thought I was dead, I'm sorry Edward, So Sorry" she cried more tears and did not speak again as she fought to control them, her grip on my hands was for a human tight.

I watched as she eventually fell asleep it was a little past three am when her sobbing stopped and the only sounds from her were her breathing and heartbeat. I leant over to kiss her head, a mistake I feel as she flinched and balled up but did not loosen her grip.


	12. New Years Day

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters of Twilight.

New Years Day

Edwards POV

She is beautiful, My Bella, alive and asleep and I am with her, I cannot believe I am here, that she is actually here, for so many years now she has been a figment of my imagination morphed to some semblance of reality from holding a pillow.

It was an eventful night, before she fell asleep with me in her bed, not on the couch but here under the covers, I am powerless to her beauty, her humanity, her everything for to me she is everything, the reason I live. But since she fell asleep I can't believe the number of disturbances she tolerates these days. For example at four thirty I heard the sound of a small child moving about, its thoughts were only of its mother and the warmth she offered, I knew the draw of this warmth so could empathise with its need, had to hide as requested as Alice Esme walked into our room, hark at me, one night or not even one night holding her hand as she sleeps and its 'our room' by heart is vibrating with the joy of being with her.

Alice Esme so sweetly uttered "morning mummy" and climbed on to the bed, over Bella and into the middle she curled up really close to her, I was instantly hit with jealousy for the closeness this child was allowed, Bella moaned a little as I was expecting, the infant's mind was focused on its mother and warmth and its need for warmth in its mouth and belly "milk" it requested trying to pull Bella to look at it, I noticed Bella lift her head towards the clock.

"oh no, sweetheart it's not time to be with mummy, come on back to bed" she said as if she were awake and the hour more suited for this kind of calmness.

"no" the child complained but Bella was sat up dragging the reluctant child to her lap and she carried her out the door, she limped quite badly as she moved, I really must find out what's with her right ankle or leg to make her walk like that, it needs seeing to.

I heard them in the child's room, the request for milk was made again but I did not hear, see or smell any sign of formula milk in the room, I could see vaguely through the child's eyes in the dim room, as Bella sat on the edge of its bed, with it on her lap, the child watched as she lifted her top, I needed to focus elsewhere I was not expecting her lift her top to reveal an bare breast and nurse the infant?

But I can't turn my abilities off, I found it difficult to defocus my hormonal lusts making it difficult to distract my focus from her breast as the child's mind was suddenly filled with warmth as liquid at body temperature squirted into its mouth as it sucked, it was a bit like the first few mouthfuls after I sunk my teeth into an animal or human artery the pressure forces the liquid out into my mouth, the sensation the child felt was similar, my throat burned with the sudden need for the feeling of my mouth filling with warmth.

Ah this will be the undoing of me, between my monster, my human hormones and jealousy which appeared again as the child's eyes stared at its hands as they sat neatly on the breasts it was suckling from, stroking and patting the soft, smooth warm skin and the feel of her nipple in her mouth. I should not be seeing this, I should not be feeling what I do but I am a man who is so in love with that woman, he would do anything to have his head against her breast to hear her heart beat.

Jealously such a strange monster, how can a 137 year old feel so envious of a child so young? As I stood in the darkest corner of Bella's room alone as still as I possibly could make myself, I was fighting the three forces, the hormonal teenage side me that so desperately wants to be that close to her body to touch her like this child is and in ways I can only imagine, the Vampire within me who wants to quench the thrust that burns, as the child's mouth fills again.

As I waited I so wanted Bella back in bed in the warm, I'd asked Esme if we could turn the heating up a little as it was a fraction below 60 degrees but she refused telling me Bella has asked for their rooms not to get above 63 degrees but she is happy for it to drop to 55 degrees, the cooler the better the girls stay asleep longer apparently, very bazaar she used to love being warm? I wondered what changed as I heard her tuck the child back in and remind it to not join her till the radio was on, Ah that explains why there is an antiquated and out of character radio alarm clock on the night stand, it would not be something my family would add to a room of this character.

I stayed in my corner and watched Bella climb back in, the scent of the sweet milk mixed with her scent enough for me to lose my focus a little as part of my brain went off on its own. I watched as she shivered a little before she rolled to face where I was once lying, I saw her arm stretch out across the pillow searching for me, "hu.. dream.. again" she muttered, she must dream of me being next to her a lot if this is her reaction to me not being where I was when she fell asleep, she did not call for me, she gripped the pillow where my head had been, "sorry..."she said with sorrow in her tone "I wish you were.."I didn't let her finish

In a move too fast for her human eyes to detect I whispered "I'm here" from under the cover with her and with a blanket now between us, she was already cold from being out of bed. I watched a beautiful smile spread across her face as she pulled herself closer to me, more than she had all night when it was just our hands that touched. She took my hand and in a move I was not expecting rolled pulling it over her shoulder, scooting herself against me, I could feel every curve of her body through the blanket, she moulded perfectly to my recumbent position as she pulled my arm down locking me in place with a grip I had no intention of breaking.

My loins rejoice at the heat that filtered through the blanket as it jumped to attention as she moved her pelvis to get comfortable, it was as if her body was reacting to mine as she pushed further back into me, if it were not for the blanket I do not know if I would have the strength not to respond to these unconscious movements.

She made a settled sort of comforting noise as her feet wrapped themselves back and around my calves, I was in pure heaven, warmed by my loves intense heat as she'd pulled me round her, I felt her body jump in the way it did when sleep had returned and I settled myself in for the last few hours of the night.

_Skiing_... she had not mentioned this, my family heard it too and from what I could see none of them know about this, Esme's mind was on the calendar in Bella's kitchen, a note 'cat go' and another for 'cat back' then a crude line drawing of a plane on two Sunday's but no words? I hoped she would not leave the country _but_ I calculated I could follow, Alice's thoughts came to me with an image if Bella and I on the slops so that must be what happens, I needed to know where she was going so I could make the arrangements to join them. I needed to ask her about this when she wakes.

The last hour of the night she did not return to a deep sleep but did, swear and cuss as she ran a list of random items which included ski's and laundry. Her body jumped a few times being locked to me as she was I had to move with her so not to cause her damage, it was a nice feeling our bodies undulate in unison, it unfortunately triggered more lurid thoughts and ways I wanted her and from this position it was hard to control it was perfect for... well I can't and won't go there...

Six am and the radio on the old clock struck up, I expected a music station not Radio four, it was a news and current affairs programme, no music at all, has she lost her interest in this medium again, just as she did when I left her? It took me awhile before she listened to any kind of music after that.. I love music, it's the rhythm of practically everything I ever did before she vanished.

I listened to the end of an item on weather with Rob McElwee she chuckled as she became aware, he was very dry in his delivery and seems to like to discuss the bad weather in a positive manor, it was a likable delivery. I heard Alice Esme wake again and start her walk to her mother, I tried to move from Bella but she would not let me go.

"Bella love, your youngest is coming, if you want me to hide you need to let go now my love" I pleaded with her softly.

It made her roll to her front trapping my hand under her, where I could feel her breast squished into my palm, the searing heat from it made my hand flex slightly and she made a tiny very short contented sound, I could feel the milk in the ducts as she unwittingly pulled me on top of her baring my escape, "Bella", I forced myself to say, really not wanting to loose this feeling "you daughter is coming, if you want me go hide I have to go now before she sees, I could hurt you if I move with you like this" I felt her body curl in, pulling me closer then she released me, Just as the child pushed the door open I was gone, I rolled under the bed with no time to go further.

I felt the bed move as she climbed back in and settled as before behind her mother. "Morning mommy.. Milk" she said I groaned to myself to have to go through what I experienced again but just inches away from me now. Bella rolled over and I heard the movement of fabric and then the suckling started.

"Don't bite mummy" Bella said quietly to the child as my mind I felt her teeth grip the firm nipple between them, I was so nearly undone this child was doing something I could only dream about. Eventually I heard Beatrice Elizabeth-Rose potter sleepily from her bed to join in. It made for quite a scene when I eventually pulled myself out when the two children fall back to sleep.

It was a Bella sandwich by the looks of things she could not move for children, both tucked in so close, it was a beautiful sight. Bella's eyes found mine in the dim light of morning and she smiled at me, "Thank you for staying" she whispered to me.

I was tramped in her gaze I lent in over the children and kissed her, I have no idea why or what made me do it, she moved her head to find my lips, such a tender kiss, I felt her tongue brush my lips as I held myself perfectly balanced as I leaned in slowly loosing myself in its sensation, I loved kissing her in the morning she was so soft and warm in a different way to that of later in the day. In reality I loved kissing her any hour but the mornings she was soporific and cute as hell.

I heard Esme in the kitchen bustling about preparing to make breakfast, 'Edward, come and take her tea up to her, Rose will get the children dressed so you can return for a short while before she needs to eat' my mother is so supportive, and Rosalie what was this change in her, I saw it as soon as she entered the room as she extracted the children as if they were her own, her thoughts were so motherly, she was enjoying helping and would do whatever these children required it was their voices that brought a tear to my eye "Aunt Rosalie" they chorused with such delight "We're going skiing.. horray" as she took them to the bathroom for a wash and then to get them dressed, I half listened to them after she closed the door.

'not too long Edward' her thoughts to me were as I moved from the shadows and pushed a stray strand of brown hair from her face, as I knelt on the floor beside her unsure if I should return to the warmth of the bed. Bella's soft warm hand stroked my face, tugged at my hair in a way that made me feel she was hiding this act as she smiled.

"You're really here" she uttered, I could say nothing but smile which made her heart beat faster and her breathing hitch, this was the first time she'd really seen me in daylight since yesterday when she was stressed out and uneasy. Today both of us, I can see it in her and feel it in me, calm, relaxed there is no tension or panic in her face, in the way she touched me.

"what now?" she asked

I have no idea, I don't want to move from watching her like this.

"Edward?" she questioned "what do I do now? I've got to go home and I..." I put my finger to her lips to shh her

"I have to go Skiing... I... I ... " she closed her eyes to me "I have to get to Manchester airport for four am tomorrow, we will be gone for a week, I don't know what do to... I know what I want to do... I don't want to leave... now I've found you but I have to... I should..." I could feel the millions of questions building in her.

"Bella" I said softly, "we will help you.. I will help you, tell me where you're going and I will be there, I won't leave you.. I don't want to leave you, you have this vacation booked and the children seem excited about seeing their Grandmother, you need to go, I will come with you"

"but.. how? My mother is coming to watch the girls, this is the first time I've skied since... We didn't go last year because of... well we were not well enough... How would I explain, how..." she blurted

"We will find away, come on get dressed, eat and we will get you home to pack, you need to take your cat to the cattery from what Esme says" I reminded her, I did not want her to leave but I could at least go with her... "I will stay nearby, if you want I can climb in through the window after everyone is asleep to stay with you, or Ski with you or anything as long as I'm near you, if you want me to that is?" I added realising my mouth had disengaged from my brain and she should have the choice.

Esme and Alice packed everything for Bella and had the bags in her car before she finished breakfast. It hurt me to hear her being packed up by someone else, it reminded me of when Charlie packed up some of Bella's things three years after she vanished the other time I heard these sounds was when we help the Quileute's clear her house after Charlie died, admittedly I had already been in and taken items I wanted a few years before this happened, and I would visit the house at night to curl up in her bed waiting for her to return, listening to Charlie's snore, I would be embarrassed to let anyone outside my family know this but it gave me a modicum of comfort for a few hours to hear familiar sounds, with the most significant ones missing from the bed I lay on.

I was about volunteer to drive her but Alice warned me off, offering instead for me to ride with her, I saw her mind Bella was sorting what she needed to do and where things were and as soon as I was in the car this stopped' Alice wanted to know where things were so the packing could be done without us having to ask 20 questions on what and where, her house from Alice's mind was small and quaint, I could not wait to see it with my eyes.

Goodbyes said and a promise from Carlisle to take her to the airport as Alice had already booked us on the last minute deal to the same resort, unfortunately this was from Bristol, Alice would return here after she'd packed Bella and pack what we needed. I saw in Alice's head the location the cabin she'd acquired was in the same block as Bella and her family would be placed which was located in the village of Yillas in Finland, the sun would not bother us as it only rose for four or five hours at the most, it was normally cloudy and when it was not we could hide wrapped up in snow gear.

The drive back to Bella's house was frustrating and slow, she was a careful slow driver by our standards even in the Audi, Alice's head was filling with the choices and decisions Bella was making, we heard her clearly from our following Mercedes, a shopping list was forming, I could see Bella and myself getting the items, as Alice took the girls to the park. My sister was in her element.

I heard music from the car, she'd plugged in an ipod and was singing along to.. it sounded like her friend Ian from last night, she seemed to relax as she scrolled through a few tracks to those she liked. Between tracks she played some songs for the kids before settling on Starlight Express after their request for 'trains' became loud and demanding.

The lists forming in Alice's head seemed to settle and an order to them became clearer. Get the girls to watch a film, get the laundry started, take the cat, sort their things, sort clothes, call work to see if package has arrived, it was at this point I heard her on the phone. Obviously calling work and changing the order she had just decided on.. We took a detour via her place of work, pulling up outside, Alice dived out of the car to watch the girls so Bella did not have to get them out. I sat in Alice's hire car and waited listening.

I heard seasonal greetings, and saw she is liked here.. It's a theatre; I wondered what job she did as her acting was never all that good? As we waited for her to get the item from her office, several males exited the building and waved at the children, one walked over and opened the door to speak to them, I did not like his accent it was harsh and arrogant, from what I saw through the girls they did not seem to mind and were used to this Mark person and his ways.

Bella appeared with a bag and was hugged by several of them as she passed, after what I'd been told about her dislike to men this was a surprise but their minds were of a friendly nature towards her, they had worked alongside each other for many years going by the mental history one of them was thinking of as his mind wondered if asking her out would be appropriate but he thought she was out of his league and went back to his conversation. Alice travelled with Bella the last bit back to her house and discussed taking the children to the park while she took the cat to the cattery. This would give her some time child free to sort their clothes as she could see they would get in the way.

We pulled into a suburban street with cars parked on both side of the road, as we drove up the hill the road widened a little more, she indicated and pulled up a drive to a Victorian terraced house. I pulled on behind her and parked, I heard her name in the mind of a woman in the house opposite she wanted her but was not sure as she watched me pull up the drive, this woman's mind was full or worry about a mouse?, she was scared of them and wanted Bella to 'rescue' her or at least remove the creature, Bella had done this before from this woman's thoughts, I can see 'rescuing' each other from small creatures was a common exchange as she was also thinking of the spider she removed for Emma which languished on the bathroom sink a few weeks before.

"Emma" she called as soon as Bella stood up from the car, I got out to assist with the bags and things as Emma I should call her now we were in public unclipped the children from their seats, as they exchanged waves..

My intuitive love asked "is everything alright?" as she excused herself from our sides to go and find out, "Oh OK let me get the girls and my friends inside and I'll pop over" Alice took Bella's key and took the girls inside for a nappy change and toilet before they went to the park, I joined Bella as she crossed the road, I would remove the rodent for them to save her handling the creature.

"This is Edward" Emma said introducing me, as the woman's mind went off in a similar vain to every other human female I've ever encountered. Greetings completed Emma walked to the garage to attend the trapped mouse, it amuses me how humans can be so scared of such a small creature yet are happy to stand next to a real killer with no fear at all.

Emma sent her friend away, she was screaming every time the mouse moved making Emma jump, as soon as the woman was out of sight I was there, Mouse in hand... i looked at Bella who was still looking for a smaller box to catch the thing in when I asked what I should do with it? she told to take it as far away as possible.. I gave it to Alice to take with her to the park, she could release it in the woods there.

I watched my sister and the children skip off down the road and heard the tiny crack as Alice snapped the rodents neck when it bit her gloves to escape, I watched the dead creature fly through the air and land perfectly in front of a cat as it sat in yard of a house she passed.

"Welcome to my house" Emma said with scepticism in her voice. The house was small, the rooms smaller than her suite of rooms at the house my parents are renting, we entered by the back door which felt strange at first straight into the kitchen, Bella had Christmas lights up around the top of her units, it was very much like how she had her room only these were plain lights.

She showed me through to the living room I now understand why she acclimatised to cooler temperatures this room was cold, I could feel the draft from the fire place and from the floor, by the sound of it I think there was a large void under it, a cellar may be? Her tree was small and had dropped most of its needles, it looked a little sad in comparison to the huge tree Emmett pulled up for the house.

I watched as she hesitated at bottom of the stairs, I could feel her tension before she turned taking my hand, "you want to know what's going on in my head?" she asked as she looked at me, I always do but why was she asking this now? "Don't laugh at me for this" I nodded, "you're the first male, to go upstairs since we were attacked, other than family, it's a little..." she looked like she was struggling with words which I hated seeing, I took her hand and after taking a deep breath she pulled me confidently up stairs.

The wall paper was pealing in a few places, there were papers stacked on the stairs and boxes labelled 'summer hats' and another 'winter warmers'. At the top past the stair gate was a book case, I noticed volumes she used to read when she was younger, the bindings looked fresh untouched, unbroken so obviously unread, there were plenty of study books for psychology and sociology and such like stacked there.

We turned down the hallway towards sets of ski's on the wall, hers and her husband's I guess as there were no children's sized hanging with them, we passed a door which had her scent emanating the strongest from, it must be her room, from the recently sanded wood it has had some work done to soften gouges I can still make them out in it. I wondered if these were from the attack?

We turned into the room which smelt of Alice Esme, "This is Alice's room. The girls used to share which is why they have their initials on the blind" the blind was open but you could see at the top a 'B' and an 'A', the room looked like a crossover from a nursery to a child's bedroom with the change matt in one corner and a normal bed with a side on it. I helped her move a huge sofa bed from in front of a door, behind which she pulled out a pair of Ski boots, then rather than watch her struggle I pushed the sofa back into place.

Taking my hand she lead me into Beatrice's room, I guess a box room if the name is anything to go by. Her bed was high with space underneath, I saw it was laid out as a reading space; it reminded me of how I had my room before I purchased the bed for Bella.

She leant against the big bed as I looked out of the window at the allotments to the rear and I assume her garden, it needed a bit of work. As I looked I felt her arms encircle my chest and waist as she pulled herself in tight behind me, I could feel her warm breath through my clothes heating my flesh. I held her hands to me, as she confirmed that it was indeed her garden and she'd not had much time to work on it this autumn, her bean poles were still out and looked like the plants were still in place before the snow arrived, not that I am much of a gardener but I recognised the dead plants that looked similar to those that grew wild in the meadow I shared with her so many times.

It was nice to feel her holding me again it has been a few hours since she left me to dress and I was starting to feel lost without it. "My room.. is through that door" she pointed to the door we passed the only door that was closed, it's a mess, it always is, I never get chance to sort it I don't like being in there more than I have to" she looked embarrassed and sad at the same time. She works, she's a parent how can a human alone find time to do everything? I took her hand and lead her to the door; I put my hand on the door handle and turned it.

Inside the room was... a mess, but it was no worse that her room in Forks, I could clearly see what were her things and what remained of her husband's as if he'd just put them down on the chair in the corner, I've studied the effects of trauma, it can take a while for someone to feel comfortable with removing a person's belongings after they died. His clothes were still stacked up on some of the shelves but it looked like she was making progress as there was at last one shelf with nothing on it at all and the wardrobe which was open had a hanging rail completely free.

The bed was similar in size to the king sized one I purchased, having seen her with the children this morning I can see why, the scent of the children was here too so climbing in with her was not a new ritual it has been going on for as long as their memories this morning showed me. As my eyes cast over the bed part of my brain day dreamed pulling her close to me in this bed, finding her warm body under the covers somewhere, a little like last night. I dove under the covers of to join her once before and liked it, I always wanted to do it again, I enjoyed the way she reacted and how it made me feel.

"I'd best get the cat and go" she said as he shot off from under a chair to somewhere in the house, she picked up his basket and went searching for him, he was playing hard to get hiding under the sofa in the front room, I assisted rather than watch her struggle, he scratched and hissed at me, I expected nothing less than this, most creatures sense what we are and react in this way.

He looked like a smaller mountain lion, his facial markings were a match although he looked nothing like a mountain lion or smelled as tasty. He is an Abyssinian breed from number of books on the shelf I see on the breed.

We both went to the cattery; I did not want to leave her side for one moment. This meant moving a car seat but she did this with such ease. As I watched and let my mind work on options for staying with her when we got back from Skiing, the house next door has a to let sign up at it, I can smell Esme and Alice as if they have been looking at the place I will ask them about this later but it would be good to be this close to her and still give her space, I do not want to crowd her she seems to inderpendant.

I stayed in the car at the cattery sliding myself into the driver's seat, not wanting to give her the option to drive us back. She looked a little aggrieved when she got back to the car and took her seat, "fine take me home via Waitrose please" she said, I have no idea what Waitrose is and I guess this showed a little as I hesitated at junctions, but it broke the ice as I took her hand and let her tell me the way to the supermarket.

We shopped and headed back to the house, Alice and the girls were still playing in the park when we got back, from Alice's mind as we drove past I could see they were exploring the woodland section and would be another half hour at least.

"what can I do to help you? What first?" I said as I held her to me,

"Tea, always a good start"

"fine I'll make it you go and get the children's clothes out on their beds" I said having read Alice's vision as to the running order. "I'll get the bags and clean the off while the kettle boils"

"WOW, you know what I was thinking or has Alice told you?" I nodded "in which case you can power up the computer and print my list of Ski stuff off, I thought of that too as I drove" with that she went upstairs. I had seen this but was more interested in the music she was listening too.

I heard her moving about, I was getting used to not seeing her mind again, in her setting it was easy to read her, some of her emotions and expressions had not changed but there were others she managed to hide to some extent, I heard her counting a few times and guessed it must be underwear as there were just enough for each day of the vacation. Tea in one hand huge black dust free travel bags in the other I stood in the doorway watching her reach to get an old case wondering why I had not seen her need this in Alice's mind. As she reached up her top exposed her back a little and the scarring that she was so scared to show me.

I stood silently in the door way my eyes scanning the inch of skin was getting glimpse of. Without thinking I put the tea and bags down and went to her, She froze mid reach as she teetered on the edge of the bed, My grasp of her stopped her from l falling as I pushed her top up further to see more if the damage those bastards had done. If I could have any human reactions being physically sick would be the one right now, her once soft and smooth back was now so scarred it makes the bark of a old horse chestnut tree look smooth.

I reached to touch as she flinched away from my gentle grip on her moving to the centre of the bed and crouching in a way I recognised from myself when I went to protect her from James, her eyes wide as thought she did not know I was there, I saw her fade a little then return as her face swung round to look at me with a glare so ready for attack.

"I didn't mean to startle you" I said with my hands raised in a passive pose "I saw your back and..." I could not finish my sentence. I swallowed hard, but did not drop my gaze from her as I felt I should. She'd triggered her shield again just momentarily as she moved from my touch, how stupid I have been.

"Sorry.." I said, changing the subject as she calmed her heart rate I asked "do you want that case down?" she nodded and it was done. Still crouched in the centre of her bed she opened the case, pulling from it pink Ski pants for I guess Bea as these matched her jacket and her size and brown for her then closed the case. I put it back into place turning my back on her to show I was not a threat, I watched turn to get a box from a shelf.

"Do you want some help with that?" I asked

"I've done this every year except last, no one ever asked me if I wanted help before, I'm not used to it" she paused looking up where the she wanted was then I watched her push her body up so she was stood in the chair with the clothes on it. She reached the box she wanted and handed it to me.

I put it down and turned to help her down, she did not resist as I picked her off the chair as easily as she does her two year old.

The second I had her in my arms, electricity sparked up, I pulled her closer to me to place her on the ground but instead wrapped my arms around her to secure her to me, lost in the depths her blue eyes, I pulled her in and kissed her, I meant to kiss her just once but found the force of the electricity buzzing around I kissed her again feeling her respond this time, I fell backwards onto the bed, I'm not sure if I meant to or... I've never done that before, you know just fall, its not exactly something a vampire does without conscious effort?

With her on top of me I was lost in her body heat, the kiss lingered, deepened and made my mind explode as my body wanted to feel more of her, my heart moved, beat a couple of times. As it did I felt as if I knew what she wanted before I felt her pulling at my top, this tear drop was part of her and it was responding to her emotions as well as my own. I needed to think about this some more but right now I had to stop her, Alice would be back with the children and I did not want to hurt her or rush anything, whatever our next move may be making love to her was not something I ever wanted to rush. We were both breathless when we broke away from the kiss that bound us. I felt her heart pounding away next to mine as mine ached in new away, it was not entirely my feelings, it was aching for it felt hers too.

To lose ourselves now would not be a good idea, I needed stay focused to help her pack. My phone buzzed with a text, it was from Alice warning me not to delay packing there was so much Bella still needed to do, taking the Christmas decorations down, feeding the children and bathing them before bed were just a few reasons she listed in her text.

Lunch time came and we had packed everything she had laid out on the beds, while she cooked and fed herself and the children. We watched as she packed day sacks and made sandwiches for the flight, we discovered you had to pay on the plane for food but she did not know how much or the methods of payment and was not keen on this idea, I wished Alice had got me on that flight I would have paid for her. Dam it I hated the idea that she was having travel food for breakfast.

Some of the items she packed were baffling knowing she would be going shopping as soon as they had the chance seeing that they were self catering, she packed ketchup, hot chocolate and sauces, it seemed so strange to me.

Alice bathed the children and put them to bed, she left Emma to nurse Alice Esme before she went down for the night. While she was gone Alice explained her reasoning for us going on a separate flight, it was linked to how we would be introduced to her mother and the story of how I lived in the same city as Emma, so we could legitimately date and the story be believable, I have to hand it to my sister she is good at cover stories.

I mean who would believe the truth even if you exclude what we are from the equation. A couple separated on the eve of their wedding to find each other twenty years later and then in less than twenty four hours know they still need to be together, I'd say love but she has not confirmed her feelings for me but from what I feel of her not wanting to be far from me I think she still does.. What else is there.. She is human and has been hurt she is just cautious, I can accept that knowing she finds my hand or feels comfortable to do what she'd doing now she's joined Alice and myself in the front room...

I could so happily stay in this position, with her curled up on the sofa next to me leaning on my arm with her hand on my thigh. As if no time has passed, I know Alice is hiding something of our future from me, I do not think it's bad as she is reciting some of the more unusual versions of hymns sung weddings.

Alice and I got the decoration boxes down from the attic while Emma showered, we stated to take the items off the tree. We dragged the tree to the cellar where it joined parts of the previous year's tree, small trees are something of a tradition from the two other branchless trunks I found, it looks like she burns the branches in her fire. We took the cards off the pegs she has up and read a few, so many people have such nice things to say about her, her circle of friends and family has tripled from those she knew in Forks.

A washed and dressed Bella appeared with wet hair in the front room and Alice made her excuses to leave. I would stay with her till Carlisle came to pick them up, he would drive her car to the airport and then return home with it where I knew Rosalie wanted to give it a tune up, I would take his car back to the house in time to jump in with Alice and Jasper heading to Bristol for the next flight to Kittila, Finland.

Alice was off to shop for what we needed to blend in and pack for me as well as Jasper, there was no point even arguing when she was on a roll, everything you ever need was always packed or was acquired. Alone with my Bella in her home, I did something Alice had taught me and dried Bella's hair, I watched as she started with her blow dryer, when I could not take any more watching, I sat her on my lap, took her brush and dryer and started, it was different drying her hair as to Alice's for one her head moved when I pulled the brush through making me think I'd hurt her, but she reassured me every time she was not in pain.

I relaxed and focused on what Alice taught me, Bella relaxed too I guess not used to someone doing this except at a salon, I started to wonder how many of the other little insignificant things Alice had taught me or asked me to look into in the last twenty years would for the first time become useful? This was such a simple thing to do for my Bella we were close but not forcing the issue, I liked it, I felt useful and I was doing what I loved the most, touching her and pampering her but in a way she was accepting as it did not involve money.

An hour to go before Carlisle arrived Bella was asleep with her head on a blanket on my lap, she uttered the usual "don't let me fall" and then as I stroked her face knowing she was not fully asleep she took my hand she whispered "don't leave me" as she gripped my shirt with the other so I could not move. I wish I knew why she did not want to fall, but her asking me not to leave her was a step closer to her telling me how she feels.


	13. Skiing  Yllas

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters of Twilight.

Chap 11

Skiing - Yllas

Edwards POV

It took ages for these humans to off load the plane so we could get our luggage, the equally slow vacation reps had trouble finding our names, I guess the last nature of our booking was not added to the sheet of arriving passengers at least the airport and flight know three Cullen's were travelling today. A cell call to someone at the resort confirmed our booking and we were at last ushered like sheep to coach D in the snow filled parking lot.

How do humans travel like this? It was bad enough when we endured the school bus for educational trips but this was... well Both Alice and I had to help Jasper he really struggled with the confines of the stuffy coach, so we sat as far back as we could and kept ourselves out of the way. Eventually all the luggage doors were closed and we were checked off like school children and off the coach went.

Our resort packs were handed out, a little speech about the country and area was barely tolerable from the ultra dull male it would have been highly interesting if you want to go and see Santa or take a reindeer sleigh ride, none of which I was interested in although Alice did ask Jasper if they could take the Skidoo ride to see the Northern Lights?

Surly it would be quicker to just run rather than stay in a group, have to wear a suite worn I have no idea how many other humans you don't know and travel at human speed? I rolled her eyes when she said it would be romantic, may be it would but to travel in pack like that makes my skin crawl, it reminds me of the Wolves is some way, I like my space if I were to take Bella on a romantic trip it would not be as part of a group.

She did suggest I private hire a skidoo, so I could take Bella off on a date, I saw in her head what she was getting at and she was right a night out away from her children and mother to see the Northern Lights would be nice, A Skidoo would mean she would be comfortable with the extra ski suite she would have to wear rather than me carrying her and it suited my dislike of group trips. I liked the idea of speeding my way through the woods like that with her on the back.

First we had to get to the resort; we dropped half the coach passengers before the bus pulled into the road our cabin was on, we were three doors down from Bella and her porch light was on bringing a smile back to my face for the first time since I left her with Carlisle.

As we got off the bus the three of us caught a whiff of her and the family, I saw the same thoughts I had mirrored in my siblings minds they'd been out playing and had gone to the shop going by the fresh tracks in the snow which we all looked at and inspected the direction and estimated time to when this happened.

Our cabin was comfortable, I had the mezzanine so I could leave by the fire escape window unseen not that anyone was looking it was far too cold at -25 and we were surrounded by trees to the rear, there was just us and the Graham party in this lane, there was good for hunting close by we could smell the wildlife and the foot prints in the snow close to the cabins were a good indicator.

It was not long before I went looking for Bella, I scaled a tree close to the cabin they were in and settled as I peered in through the blinds, I could hear them talking away and eating their meal, I was relieved to hear her voice and those of the children as I huddled listening to the conversation on how tomorrow would pan out.

Her mother seemed keen to get her to go out and ski on her own as to dealing with Bea and her lessons which she would do with Alice, it seems they have been to this resort a few times and her mother is confident at leaving their belongings in the restaurant while she sorts Beatrice. I was listening for a time to both the audible conversation and the internal one her mother was also having, her mother's mind was filled with derogatory notions of being late, and was finding a way of getting Bella to take private lessons if the single ski instructor was still single. Her mind was filthy.

But what I did hear linked nicely in with Alice's plan of Bella and I or meeting up, chatting to discover we're from the same city... and as Alice puts it 'love at first site'... letting her mother suggest we go out.. Making it look like she helped push us together. It's the craziest cover story. But I could not wait to see My Bella in her ski pants.. she complained she looked like the Michelin Man in her ski wear, I guess so but she has come to the coldest location for skiing, the Alps would be warmer, but she refuses to go there having been taught to ski by the Volturi when they found out Emma Skied, and spent three months having lessons to get her to the same standard as this human she now mimics.

Bed time soon arrived and the children went to bed for their grandma in much the same way as they did for my sisters, Bella and my mother, it feels odd talking about this stranger as such, I only met Renée a few times the last being before the wedding and she is in my heart still as Bella's mother not this person she sits with on the couch watching that dam musical 'Mama Mia' as they drink tea and eat cake. Renée must know nothing of Bella and her children of being a grandparent I realise this after my earlier revelation, it is so wrong considering I know where she lives these days even though we have lost touch over the years Bella was missing which was the right thing to do as we do not change.

To add to my frustration Bella did not unlock the window to her room, dam it. I've removed the fly screen and will replace that before we all leave next Sunday but for now, how am I going to wake her? I wish I had her cell number, she always had it with her, I watched her climb into bed from my new perch at the other end of their cabin, a window in the eves was at branch height and she had not closed the blinds to this window but it let me watch her sleep.

They were late getting to the slops in comparison to everyone else, I felt a little unnerved at the time they arrived but they missed the busy over crowded buses which would have got them here in time for booked lessons, I saw through the eyes of the receptionist at the Ski School desk that their names are not down for group or private lessons which explains why they have not joined the malay of humans this morning.

Alice and Jasper have taken off, I think I will do the same to get a lay of the land as the cloud is low making visibility for humans difficult, I best be prepared if she ventures onto the slopes. I have no idea how good or bad a skier she is, her balance was never that good knowing first hand where the first aid points are may be of benefit as I can't believe this is a sport she indulges, I can't think how the Volturi got her ski in the first place my knowledge of her sporting prowess is based on high school and her taking the side lines as much as possible.

It's just eleven am and I'm nearly back at the base station at least I can see the children in the window of the café, that must be her mother with them but no sign of Bella. I can get really close to the building without them recognising me with this ridiculous hat and scarf round me like this, the thoughts in the children's heads are a mix of hot chocolate, their colorings and of their mother in a red jacket and brown pants, she was skiing the short easy ski slope with the button lift, from their minds she is not bad actuality, she has taken Bea on this one already and has now headed off up the main drag lift. They have no sense of time so I have no idea how long ago this was but by the flushed look on Beatrice's face it cannot be all that long ago.

At the top of the long T bar lift I pick up a faint wiff of her scent on the air, she is up wind of me, I still can't see the image the children's minds have of her, the cloud is low and it's hard to see far with the undulations of the fell even for my eyes.

I'm following her scent and there ahead is the shape the children have in their minds. I eventually caught her up, it was her there is no mistake I can see her brown ski pants, she knows this fell well to find this slope sheltered from the wind and so quiet it indicates her knowledge of this place and of the conditions to which they ski under. She sounds happy the joyous free sounds she is emitting are truly magical as the drift to my ears, watching her carve her turns like she is she is so elegant, graceful and the laughter even on her own she is truly enjoying herself as she throws her head back every so often laughing.

She's not going fast as she has been passed by a few snow boarders, she had a few choice words for them as they cut her up on this empty slope. I stayed back watching her enjoying her freedom watching them as they waited for her to pass again and shower with loose snow as they cut her path as they turned at the last minute, I would have to stop this before they do it again, which is what I see them planning as she is alone but they are near the bottom and I can see the lift operator watching them now, his thoughts although in Finnish are not pleased with their antics.

Well.. they cut her up again this time making her take evasive action which ran her off piste and up the bank, if she had not done what she did she could have fallen badly or found herself in the trees, I was glad to see she recovered she has some skiing experience to change direction like that, I was sure with her track record for balance she would have ended up hurt, I could have run to her before she fell but on Ski's it was harder for me and I would be seen by too many humans if I broke off my Ski's and ghosted.

I watched as she got them back at the bottom, as they removed their boot from the bindings to take the lift as she flew down, turned, braking hard, showering them in snow, then turning in time to make the gate for the lift. I heard her grunt in pain at the effort she needed in her legs to control her braking angle so she would not wipe out.

I followed her onto the chair lift a few seats behind, still not wanting to reveal myself to her but being close to assist, I needed to be between her and these idiots before they really harmed her. But at the top she skied off back down to the base station, it was getting close to lunch time for her children; food was on the minds of most of the people we passed.

I followed her, leaving my ski's and poles next to hers in the rack, I sat a few seats away from them all as I watched her remove the layers that kept her warm, as I did the same with my back to them, she recounted the snow boarders behaviour to her mother, her voice shook a little with anger and she rubbed her leg where she must have felt the pain as she braked and her mother massaged it for her, it must have taken its toll on her unfit body. I felt ashamed for not intercepting their last act, but she was not limping but did wince very visibly and audibly when she removed her boots but as I watched her walk perfectly well to the counter to collect her meal there was no sign of a limp?

There are more injuries to her body than she is letting on, that wince when she removed her boots was mirrored with a comment about having her feet crushed by Bea when she was pregnant in her mother's mind, it too flashed a comment about her not having it looked at. Why was she so resilient to go and seek medical assistance, she can afford medical care here the NHS is free and the medical centre where she lives is very good from what Carlisle was saying.

I watched my love struggle with her tray and four hot chocolates and plates of food for everyone, she was going to have to come back to collect the last two plates. It was now or tomorrow to make my move, I stood in the queue behind her, knocking her a little as she struggled to balance the tray, I took the tray fanning a rescue the situation knowing that from where we were stood only our bodies would be visible, as I walked back with her I explained the plan, our deception. We had to factor in the children who'd seen me already, this was not going to be easy but... here goes...

"Ah hello, hi girls, good to see you" I said with confidence hoping their nonchalant manners would hold and they not recognise me for more than just someone who says hello to them and not the man who was in their home the other night "where would you like me to put these?" as I placed the mugs of hot chocolate on the table for Bella, while she handed her mother the tray with children's meals and cleared the table a little so the children could at least have their plates in front of them.

I could see the look on her mother face and I heard the usual mental gushing as well as a comment 'about time, he is rather dashing, they know each other? Hum she's kept that secret.. he's young but it's a holiday, she does not have to see him again just have a little fun, look at his ass' I could not believe her comments it seems Emma has had a few men in her time as holiday romances or at least her mother thinks this, it does not seem like my Bella.

"Mum this is Edward, he lives near us, we catch the same bus or at least wait forever at the same stop" Bella said, this was a little extra bit to the story. The girls looked up and said hi, then added

"we saw you at our house last night, you were with Alice" Beatrice flourished

Alice came to my rescue, her thoughts came to me from across the restaurant 'tell them the truth tell them you live in the same street, just moved here... trust me it will work' she said encouragingly

I did as I was told and the girls said nothing more and their minds stopped working out of we were lying or not. Her mother also found the story plausible. I fetched the other tray of food with Bella and monitored her mother watching us walk away and calculate that we were a good match, and how much of a push Emma needed, her mind spent the rest of the day working out how as since the attack she is currently uninterested in male company. She wanted to be careful not to push too hard.

We left the restaurant together, you have no idea of the euphoria I felt as we left the ski racks for the lift side by side, I wish I would tell her what her mother was thinking when we picked up our Ski's and fanned surprise that we were next to each other here, it was going to be easy for her to push having let her see us ski off together.

Our last two runs for the day were slow, Bella was tired and wanted to stop, we talked at length going up on the lifts and at intervals when Bella stopped to hear my questions and answer. To be doing a sport together was amazing, on Ski's with the restraint the boots provide we are nearly equals, I just need to ski slower, that was about the only adjustment I needed to make for her, I like this leisurely pace when she was near me.

We caught the same bus home, it was not intentional I had given up waiting for Jasper and Alice and decided to get home to shower to clear my head, her mother noticed I watched Emma from where I stood having given up my seat for another family to sit down, she nearly squealed when she saw where I was staying. Her head was full of evening plans for Emma to go out Cross Country Skiing with me, if I had the gear, this would not be hard to hire I thought but it was already leaning outside the door with a note from Alice who had gone off to Nordkapp I was alone...

I removed my ski suit and stood in the middle of my cabin listening to the sounds that surrounded me, the only thoughts and words I could hear in English were those from Bella's cabin, I heard the Children wanting well more demanding hot chocolate, a snack and the television, Bella trying to do too much as always and her mother bustling around getting ready to go shopping asking questions about what was needed as Bella fired back a list her mother pushed her point of view of me onto her Bella.

She was trying to convince Bella I was 'a nice lad' and maybe she should jump at the chance to go cross country skiing with me tonight. The age thing came up but in a way I was not expecting her mother quite liked the idea of Emma dating a younger man, if only she knew it was the other way round that it's me dating an indecently younger woman even at thirty seven Bella is a baby in comparison.

I listened to Bella's resistance, I was not sure if she was acting? Having still not heard her declare her feelings in any other way than to hold and kiss me. I was convinced by her resistance as my heart ached and splinter a little at her tone and words. At last her mother left with the sledge to go shopping freeing her for at least an hour, the children settled with a film, biscuits and hot chocolate, I was about to go and knock on the door when I heard her, "Edward? my window is open, but don't be seen by the girls just yet"

I was there, she had pushed the show from the window to make it easier to get in without bring most of it in with me; she didn't have to get cold like that. She was nowhere to be seen when I entered and quietly closed the window, I watched from the balcony the children sip away at their drinks and nibble on the biscuits.

"mummy's going for a lie down OK girls, no mess please alright" she said

"Yes mummy" they chorused not looking up, their minds focused on the film.

As Bella came up stairs my heart leaped about twenty foot from my body if it could but that's what it felt like, I hid in the shadows on the mezzanine level where her bed was, worried for a fraction of a second as to what she'd say after what I heard from her earlier as she was being resistant about dating and holiday romances. Her smile as she reached the top step sent that flying away, she glowed when she saw me, I was truly spell bound by her.

She removed some fluff or something from my t-shirt as she came to a holt in front of me, "hello" she whispered I took her face in my hands and tipped it up to the electric light that so poorly lit the space and watched her eyes sparkle, I could not breath for her radiance, I could not bring myself to kiss her as much as I wanted but lent my forehead against hers breathing in her heavenly scent, still not quite believing she was real.

She lifted her head and kissed me, so gently so warmly it would be embarrassing to be seen like this, me a vampire melting to the touch of her. I was but putty in her hands although it was my hands that held her, hers had found my chest and neck, I was defenceless, surrendering my myself to her as I went to kiss her back feeling the electric buzz whip up and bind us together again as passion and need engulfed my submissive pose and I felt myself kiss her more forcibly.

She backed me up away from the centre of the room, I let her push me back, knowing instinctively where the walls were, she pushed me to the bathroom opening the door a little further and then closing it behind us as she matched my kiss, my hands slid form their hold on her face to her neck, my thumbs stroking her artery and clavical.

Our kiss grew stronger as her hands wandered from my chest to my waist, round my back as if she were mapping my body, she found my child hood scar which she used to run her fingers the length of when I was shirt less with her all those years ago, I have no idea what possessed me but my t-shirt was off which made her gasp as our lips met again and her hands touched my bare flesh. I felt myself shudder at her touch, the feel of her hands on my pectorals was, I don't have words to describe the feeling as her fingers circled my nipples, gently pinching them a little by the feels, my skin was on fire it felt so alive as millions of tiny sensations rocketed over its surface.

I broke away from the kiss feeling desires for her deepen and the subconscious movements I was starting to make as she was pulled so tight into me made my heart leap and her hand flew to it to feel it. "did that beat?" she said in the darkness of her bathroom.

I could not answer I just nodded I was fighting the urge to remove her tight thermal top as her nipples were hard and very visible to me as was the strength of her heart beat, it had a longing sound to it. All I could do was swallow back the venom that had pooled as my desire for her grew stronger. "I'm sorry" I said "this is not good for us" I stuttered trying to pull back from where my urges were leading me, knowing she was not ready to take this further.


	14. Skiing Yllas Pt 2

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters of Twilight.

Skiing - Yllas pt2

Edwards POV

"Shh" she said as her fingers found my lips to hush me, I took them into my mouth and sucked on them tasting the faint traces of animal blood mixed with onion, various vegetables and soap on them, from the meal she had cooking in the oven, I was not expecting her reaction, she lost her balance, swooning if I'm to be correct, her eyes rolled very noticeably I thought she was about to pass out "sorry" she apologies it's me that should apologies but I did not let go of her fingers, as she forced herself to stay controlled, her fingers tasted more of her now I'd sucked the remnants of the blood off them.

"ye.. your right... best not..." she whispered when she opened her eyes having looked like she regained control of herself. The smell of her hormones rolling off her skin in waves was very intoxicating I had no desire to break from her while she was like this, I was tingling with every breath I took and the electric buzz that so neatly wrapped itself around me felt tighter as if not to let me break away.

"Alice wants you" I said suddenly hearing the child's thoughts as she thought of her mother before calling out "Mummy"

Bella kissed me then reaching down into the cupboard next to my legs, being unable to read her mind I was unsure of what she was doing till she found a book, kissed the skin at my side where my shirt had been freed from my pants as she came back up to face me making my breathing hitch in a way it has not done so audibly for a while, before nodding her head indicating the water tank behind me as she asked me "flush that, I'll be back up in a moment" I did as she asked as I saw her smile at my reaction to her kiss reflected in the mirror as she rinsed her hands grabbed the towel from the hook on the door, I wondered why the elaborate act? as the child's head was filled with images of her mother with a book in the toilet, amazing.

This was a good ploy as Bella exited the tight dark little room as the lavatory cistern filled with water she dropped her book at the top of the stairs and draping the towel on the banister before she went down to tend her children, as if she I was not there.

I could not stay in this water closet; I needed space away from the heady mix of our hormones that had filled the space, I took up a new location on the only made bed up here. A refill of a drink for the child and my love was back, she joined me on the bed, pulling me down with her, I had no resistance to her manipulation of me, we curled up next to each other for the second time this year, we fitted round each other as if no time had passed at all, her head on my arm as her hands drew circles over my abs and chest, loosing herself in her thoughts and I in the pleasure of her touch. "What are you thinking" I asked whispering into her strawberry scented hair "I will never get used to not hearing your thoughts" I confessed as she put her hand on my heart and moved to kiss me there.

I breathed heavily and quietly so not to disturb the children, "I have no idea what I am thinking exactly, just that everything I know is upside down, backwards" she said "If I think about this, us.. it's too much to handle, not possible I don't want to lose you, I'm scared to wake up and find your not there, this is how I remember our last night together" I felt tears the in her eyes as the hot moisture touched my skin, her breathing changed as did her body temperature, I was beginning to wish I had not asked, it upset her.

"I don't want to think cause I remember I'm not seventeen anymore and those kids down there, they are mine, then I remember why they are not yours and why for so many other things..." she buried her face into the bedding away from me, I felt her body rock as she controlled her crying as she pushed her face deeper into the covers to muffle her sounds.

When she had gained control something I was getting used to watching in her when the old Bella could not achieve this as quickly as much as I know she tried, she lifted her head "I am ashamed of what I am, what I did... Edward, I don't know what to do any more, have so many emotions running around inside me, conflicting arguments run in my head, physically your legal but I'm so old in comparison. How can it work? How can we work? I need you to tell me cause if I let go I feel myself falling, losing my balance on this tight rope I've been living on since I was taken but also afraid to stay on and find I still love and want you. I mean... why would you want me, I have them and I can't just return to what was as quickly as I was taken, the Volturi knew what they were doing.. They've made it impossible for us to be together"

"Bella" I whispered "you know age does not mean anything to me, it is a worry I've had myself before when you first asked me mine, I was worried how you would feel about me as you are so much younger than I am. But I cannot help what I feel for you then and now, you mean everything to me; we will find away if it's what you want?" I kissed her head praying she wanted me in her life.

Her hand slipped back to covering my heart as she spoke quieter than before as if she were thinking out loud, it was nice to hear her thought processes. "If I want? it's not me who needs to sacrifice their life this time... You never left me, you were always in here" she tapped my heart and it started to vibrate as the electric buzz fizzed in the air making me want her kiss "locked away and safe, I looked for you everywhere I could but when I killed you there was no where left to look but in death, I thought I lost you forever" my heart lurched when she said this, I empathised with what she was describing I felt that too when we had exhausted every avenue to her vanishing.

"but now, your alive and holding me the same as before. I feel young again but inside it hurts, I'm scared of failing you, loosing you, not being good enough. To open my heart, to let you in, let you see who I am now, Edward I am not strong enough if it does not work" I pulled her closer to me feeling similar myself, how could she want me after she has had so many men, I am not experienced in physical union or giving pleasure in the same way I see my family do, her promiscuousness does not bother me as much as I thought it would. She is human and they change, she thought I was dead I cannot blame her for living a life I wanted her to have. It's me who feels I can't satisfy her, I feel I'm undeserving of her attentions of her touch, her kiss.

"Edward, are you listening to me?" she whispered at me, I was, I was always listening to her, I always would. I nodded my head as it rested on hers.

"I think... I love you" my heart lurched again, and my head burst into joy "I still love you... I have no other words to explain what I feel, I don't want to be away from you for even a second" again my heart stuttered as it lurched "yesterday was excruciating, I looked for you but had no idea where you would be staying, it felt like the first few days when I woke in Italy, it scared me"

"I was right here, love" I replied

"being with you, near to you" she continued as her mind wandered openly "Since New Year's my fears do not seem to be as dominant, I was amazed that I could be in a room alone with Emmett, one of my work colleagues is a similar build, I know he is as safe but I can't be alone in a room with him, being this close to a man, to you, it's a strange thing for me to want and I don't want to let go" My heart did it again this time she must have felt it "Every fibre of my being is scared of loosing you, frightened to go to sleep and wake to find so sign of you like I've done every night since I was taken"

"Oh Bella, I am here I will never leave you, unless you send me away, I am here" I said in poor offering to her confession of pain. Mine for the last twenty years seems mild in comparison, if she dreamed of me how she used to do, waking to finding me not there must hurt as much as I hurt when I would walk into the house expecting to find her somewhere lounging or sleeping, or when I'd stay the night at Charlie's, I'd hear the shower and wait expecting to see her in her grey pyjama's and wet hair enter the room and join me.

"Edward, if... if you still want me after everything I've done, what I am now, who I am now" my whole body shook, I have no idea if she can feel it but it's waiting for her to finish her sentence "I am yours, but you can't leave me if you think I need another life like you did before, I am only alive because of the dam guards, I am still here because I got pregnant with Beatrice, you should know I had Alice because I was lonely. They became my life, till I could join you, they are part of me" her tears dripped on to my chest and ran off to her bedding below, my heart found a rhythm as the shaking in me focused in on it. I was unable to speak the shock of what I was feeling and its beating.

"I.. Love... You Isabella Marie Swan" I struggled to stutter out as emotions sprang within me at the warm feeling, this revelation was creating within me "I will love you for always, even those children of yours because they are you, something I cannot provide for you, as much as I..." I could not finish my heart beat stronger and she sat up suddenly putting both hands on my heart staring at me.

"I felt... your heart?" she said more as a statement than question, I had no answer, I did not understand it "its beating" she said and kissed my chest and leant her ear to it listening, I could hear her tear pinging about in there its speed making the side of my heart vibrate and the reverberations created the pulsation we felt. I knew my heart would never beat again but every time she is near her trapped tear bounces around and this happens it is a strange and wonderful feeling to have.

I was so overwhelmed by what I was now feeling and what she said I forgot myself for a second, pulling myself on top of her, running my nose up the side of her neck along the thick, pulsating artery, along her jaw to her mouth, I kissed her plunging my tongue past her lips this time to feel the soft inside of her mouth, sucking her finger had sparked thoughts of a different kind within me and I wanted... I know I should not but... I wanted her all the same. With her hormones, warmth and lack of resistance as her legs came up round me, it was not just me who wanted this as I felt my body push against her feeling the heat emanating from her core...

Our kiss was hard to pull away from but I was very aware the film had finished a little time ago and outside I could hear her mother breathing heavily away with effort at pulling the sledge of groceries through the underpass, she would be at the door within five minutes. The look in the depths of Bella's eyes said enough to me to not warrant words, she did not want it to end either but it was a necessity before we lost control altogether and were discovered before the plan had evolved. She understood what I heard as my eyes conveyed as her's flashed towards the balcony as her silent the thoughts ran in her head.

Time was up, "I will return if you want me to, alright... I promise you" I checked with her, she nodded as her face now flushed in the most delightful blush I kissed her cheeks to take the heat from them so she could compose herself, "wait here..." I said as I ghosted off down stairs hearing the thoughts of her mother a little clearer now she was nearer, 'she had better have dinner cooking, I'm starving' the oven already on it was just the pasta that needed heat applying and I cleared the table of clutter as if Bella had done this herself. I returned to my love and helped her from the bed now she was sitting on the edge poised to stand as I came to a stop in front of her.

We both heard the stomping of boots on the porch deck as grocery bags were placed next to the door, "go" I said indicating that she should be downstairs "I will see you later" I stole one last kiss before I went out the window pulling it closed behind me as if I was never there. it was nice to see her look guilty again, it was a look I missed when we were nearly caught by Charlie.

Their post meal rituals rolled on, Bedtime for the youngest and shower for the eldest, although if I did not know better and have seen from the child's eyes that Bella herself was washing the child I would have thought a murder was being committed, it seems the child does not like showers even with her mother is her swimsuit, a sight I was both glad of and saddened by, it would have been nice to see her naked but this way I was saved from my lurid wants.

I watched Bella come down the stairs in a towel as her mother sat drying the child's hair in front of the television, I heard the water in the washroom and knew she was showering, when she shut the water off I stole myself to the window of the cabin to watch, knowing I should not but finding it impossible to stop myself.. only to find the blind turned so I could not see in clearly as Bella moved about upstairs with the bathroom door open so my view to her bed was blocked, as her towel was thrown by a bare arm to the rail, I watched her pyjamas move from their location at the end of the bed and be put on. I was undone; my need for her great as I tried the window twice after I discovered she'd locked it.

She was smarter than me, I left them to their evening's discussion of what do to, what to eat and lessons, and eventually I heard their goodnights and made my way back to the cabin to find the window unlocked and Bella sat on the edge of her bed removing her watch and plugging in her phone to charge.

It was hard to stay with her on the narrow single bed; I took to sitting on the floor starting by facing her as she stroked my hair and mapped my ears with her fingers a few times as she drifted off to sleep, eventually I turned with my back to the bed and my head as far back as I could get it resting against her while she slept it has to be the best feeling in the world to be with her in the dark, staring at the sealing remembering how we used to be, how easy this had returned and how much her confession of love for me made me feel.

I came to the conclusion that a night out would be good, Alice getting the Cross Country Ski's had planted a seed in my head, I'm not sure how good she is at this but it's easy to moderate where we go, to her ability, I will work on asking her tomorrow, if it goes well and her mother is as keen to see us together I will hire a Skidoo and take her back to the fell, the note Alice left for me in the kitchen table mentioned the northern lights would be visible on Thursday at about 1.30am, I would have to find out if she wants to be out that late.

It's kind of odd listening to her mother's snores as I sit with Bella it is so reminiscent of Charlie, although he spent most of his time trying to keep us apart and she is searching for opportunities to push us together, I wonder what she would think if she knew where I was now, her dreams have been of me asking Emma out, of us Skiing and well I'm not sure a mother should be thinking about that aspect of her daughters relationship it's a little shocking but if we were to... I can see her mother would not object. How did Bella cope? Knowing what I knew of her character, It looks like this woman never discouraged her daughters relationships going from the list of male she's just pictured, some with frustration at my Bella for refusing many of them, I recall that look on her face when she refused Mike and the others. I have to say Bella and this Emma she replaced have a striking resemblance.

I'm drawn back from my musings as I hear an alarm going, a quick glance at Bella's watch on the night stand and I see its 6am already, the children have not woken yet? That's strange my experience so far is that they wake early to join their mother. They are still breathing I can hear their hearts beats in the room below us and her mother cannot see me from here so I will stay for as long as I can.

What is it with the making of Tea? As soon as the kettle boiling beyond the point it should have switched off I so nearly went and switched it off, as it did it itself. Bella stirred and the girls are up, I am glad her mother closed the stair gate to bar the children from finding her I like watching my love wake from deep sleep, she is.. I cannot find words to describe but the feeling inside me, this is the third time this year I have see it. Heaven is the best I can come up with for now.

I kissed her good morning and departed before we could be found; the sound of even a whispered conversation would carry to the kitchen from up here. I wrote a note and left it in the bathroom knowing this would be the first place she'd go after I left.

_My Love,_

_We cannot talk, the acoustics in this space will alert your family, I think it best that they do not know of our nocturnal time just how it used to be._

_Know this, that I will miss you while we are apart and I will see you on the slopes when you get there, do not rush it will be out of character and your mother will suspect._

_Be safe_

_E_

I'd learned my lesson regarding notes, short was not always sweet, but could not resist signing off how I did in my first note to her. We used to write notes to each other when I went to hunt to read her handwriting and the way she signed off always made me smile no matter what the content I hoped this was still the same for her.

It was after ten when I saw the family struggle from the bus and walk into the base station. A Ski lesson for Bea was booked for eleven before they took the lift up to the restaurant and their location in the window. Emma's mother Dawn and Alice struck up a friendship with a mother and child and had made some kind of unspoken pact for the children to play and to watch while the other went to get drinks and go to the washroom. From the mind of Sarah they met here a couple of years ago.

I hovered in the locker space, waiting for Bella to retrieve her ski's, I'd help her bring Bea's and hers up to save her struggling with the stairs in her Ski boots having seen her coming down without any shoes on at all, her feet neatly bundled in her ski socks under her long ski pants, she needs to be careful though if she finds a wet patch on the floor the cold will not be good for her.

I helped her into her boots or at least supported her while she struggled in all the layers she wore to keep warm, the outside temperature bobbed at -20 today. She left her Ski's in the closest rack to the exit and ran in that weird way humans do when strapped in Ski boots to drop the locker key and Bea's Ski's off with her mother and joined me at the queue for the T Bar lift for the top.

As we left the base and she settled into the ride having stopped fidgeting with gloves, poles and her back pack straps I asked "Would you like to go cross country Skiing to night"

"I will have to ask. But I don't see why not, I'm not that good though or quick you understand?" she said brilliant she said yes,

"Would you mind if I asked your mother?" I asked feeling a little foolish for my antiquated ways

"Why, would you want to do that?" she quizzed

How can I explain my deep rooted upbringing "because it feels right to ask her as your father is not here."

"Oh OK then" for some reason I get the feeling she is not all that convinced by my answer

"Alice thinks it will help the transition.. Letting her think she played match maker?"

Bella nodded "that will defiantly work?"

"You know she's frustrated with you and your lack of interest, she is waiting for the change to get us together, she knows you won't or can't say no if she asks you with me there... Dawn knows you well" I said revealing a little of her mother's thoughts.

"Ye, I get that a lot.. but I have as many ways of getting out of things I agree to as she has in asking, you know..." I felt my heart dip a little remembering what she once said about our so called Seattle trip, I guess our first date "not that I would or at last I need to make her feel she is not having an easy ride that is.. She should have to work to match how we feel about each other"

"I'm not sure that's a good idea, I mean how would you explain if she see's us together?"

"Oh common Edward, with your abilities" she tapped my head with her Ski pole "how will she? It's fun anyway and I like it"

"like what?" I asked not knowing which aspect of the deception game she was liking.

"You perusing me, you know... officially asking me on a date, you once said you would have courted me, I'm not sure a chaperone is needed considering our ages and I don't like iced tea, but I kind of the like the idea..." I saw what she was getting at, I did like it, I recall before when we dated we didn't do normal human date things as such, movies and dances more often it was walks, staying home or we were on the run, with so much of one year being spent grounded we didn't go anywhere. Come to think of it I did not exactly ask her out it was more that I volunteered to drive her, tag along as it were to keep her safe and we ended up at the meadow, which could constitute as a date but it was never an official date, it was secretive, testing... Ye I see what she means, I can peruse her as if I were human, woo her in a way fitting to how I was brought up, court with permission even if it's not from her biological mother. "And you will play hard to get and leave your window open?" I confirmed hoping.

She had the biggest grin on her face, I'd have kissed her but know it would off balance the T bar we were still riding. As she said "Yes and you'd better...I've spent twenty years missing your company at night, I can no more live without it than you can" she knew me well as contentment seeped into my heart as we rode the last hundred meters of the lift.

I left my brain to work on ways and places I could take her while we were here, the northern lights was a target but tonight it would be a Cross Country Ski.

We walked into the restaurant together, I followed her to their window seat, Bea was back from her lesson and Alice was playing with the other child. We heard all about the Ski lesson, her child must have had lessons before going by the images she was producing in her head, from what was said she is now ready to join a group lesson and her grandma had booked her in as she'd eaten all her dinner, which left just Emma to eat. I took my chance as Bella made her excuses and headed to the washrooms.

"Ma'am" I said as soon as Bella was out of ear shot "would you mind if your daughter joins me tonight for little cross country Skiing, after supper may be?" her head exploded with joy, I was from the looks of her thoughts the first person to ever ask, she was worried that Emma may not as she has been off men since the attack but she was determined in her mind to get her dating again and she should not be alone too long at her age, the cheek of the woman...

"Its Dawn, young man and none of this American 'Ma'am' business, I don't like it" she flustered waving her arms as her head went into overdrive. "I don't see a problem with that" she said and her mind wandered on to watching a film she's brought with her she know Emma does not like and reading long bedtime stories. "You'd best ask her yourself though, don't take no for an answer mind. If she does just ask her to show you the lake if she plays hard to get, she can't resist sharing her knowledge of this place" she added, her mind added a few more lurid comments, I swallowed and focused on the sound of Bella's heart beat as it came back across the floor.

"Oh do you mind if I buy her lunch to ask?" this was my ploy to get away from the woman and have Bella to myself, like we did as school, the restaurant was large enough we could sit away from her mother's prying eyes as I let Bella eat.

As soon as Bella was close enough her mother piped up "you kids go and get some lunch, the views from the windows over there are amazing" she pointed to the seats I was thinking of "go clear off, we've eaten, just bring us some hot chocolates before you go skiing again" she added as we headed off.

"What's going on mum?" Bella questioned not looking at me as she passed as if she was angry with me and headed to the children to talk to them, it made me feel uncomfortable as if I had over stepped the mark, was she acting again?

"Nothing dear you both need to eat and I'm on a diet again you know, go, eat, don't sit here I'd doing paper work you may as well sit somewhere else that's all" Dawn was good.

I brought her lunch, making her choose something more than frit's, having said that a basket of which sat in the middle of the table and I picked at them to make any on lookers think I was eating. It was like a rerun of our first meal at the school canteen only no pizza this time and no bottle top for me to take, I still have that bottle top, my first souvenir locked away safely. My heart and stomach twitched as I thought of those times and how nervous I was, what do I mean was I am nervous now and I know she loves me she told me last night, she also agreed to joining me, I just had to ask her again as part of the plan, this is crazy.

Her mother was right she did refuse, when I asked about the lake and she pointed it out to me from the window her fingers brushing mine on the table and her socked toes hooked into the top of my ski boots as she took hers off and left them with her mother. It was a nice feeling and no one could see my other hand was under the table with my hand feeling the warmth of her feet trying to pull one free to massage her calf.

I heard her mother's thoughts 'there I knew he would need to know what to ask her, good she's pointing it out to him, she is so predictable _sometimes_ just don't let no be the end of it, ask her to show you.. Aw they look so good together, I would not mind him being around he's quite a dish' wonderful her mind was a bad as every other female.

It was not exactly agreed, I heard Bella and her mother having a semi heated discussion about me asking her out, Bella was angry that she had intervened and said she wanted to try the sauna and have a shower after supper. She left to go skiing and I followed some way behind, her mother called me over after chasing after me. "Come round about eight o'clock, don't say anything more about it" she winked and patted me on the shoulder. Her thoughts as she touched me 'strong lad, nice'

I did indeed return at eight, with a miserable bunch of flowers from the supermarket, I know its a little old fashioned but that's what I am, she wanted me to pursue her and that is what I am doing. I would have lived to have been in a position to woo her with the same flowers I sent her when we first met. Her face when she opened the door was a beautiful picture she was not expecting me which was obvious as she answered in tight cotton cycling shorts and ski socks to cover her shapely legs and a vest t-shirt which left nothing to the imagination showing off her cleavage in all its glory, curves and bumps I was glad for the layers I wore hid the instant effect this vision had on me, she was breath taking.

"Hi, would you like to join me, I don't want to get lost, I can't work this darned map out?" I asked pathetically as if I would or could get lost even with the map I held deliberately upside down.

Her mother was next to her as soon as I spoke and virtually frogmarched Bella to get into her Ski wear pulling me in to the reception "go with the man, what harm would it do, make a friend, I'm sure he's not asking you on a date" she said, her head was well.. Glad I came over, so enthusiastic it was hard for her to contain her glee as she and I for that matter watched Bella suit up and fight a smile from her face which she masked by taking a tablet of some sort.

"He has flowers, mother?" Bella exclaimed in a tone knew meant she was not impressed.

"How nice... no one's brought you flowers, certainly not that idiot of a husband of yours" dawn said taking them from Bella leaving her to put them in a jug of water. "just go, I want to get this paperwork done, show him and come back what's that half an hour if your quick?" she grabbed her purse and fished out Five Euro's and stuffed it in the breast pocket on Emma's jacket "Grab a hot chocolate, go.. quickly" she added from where she stood.

Bella gave up and came back into view as she sat in her coat doing up her loyping boots. "Right I'll talk to you later" she said as she passed me where I stood waiting like a sap as she exited the house grabbing her ski's from next to the air dryer.

"Come on you" she snapped, snatching the map from my hand "this way... have you done this before?" she asked agitation oozing from her voice as we got on to the ski's outside her cabin knowing her mother was watching and listening.

We skied off slowly to start with, when we were at the underpass I watched Bella join the tracks and stopped out of sight as I came to her side. "What's with the map? She was buying your act, before you added this, anyway do I get a kiss now or do you want to earn it?" she said, I liked the glint in her eye it made my whole body tingle I stole my kiss quickly and gently as it was now -25 and will fall more the closer we get to the lake.

It was a lovely route she took me, very easy to follow just as she said it would be, you really would have to be an idiot not to find the lake, "do you want to out onto the lake or?" she asked as I stopped next to her admiring the view, as we teetered on the edge of an unmarked section of track that sloped down to the iced lake. My eyes being able to see further than hers in the darkness that swallowed the lake, "if we go on there I'd need you, it's too dark for me after we go a few yards, it will also be a lot colder out there than it is here" she was right on both counts, I could see a group of moose on the ice, steam rising from their backs.

"Come on I'll not loose you, we can cut the corner off and head back to my place and warm you up?" I added

"or we could go to the hotel and grab a drink and warm by their fire?" she said, we could do that but I wanted her alone, I wanted to watch her peal back all those layers to see her in her t-shirt and shorts again. "there's CCTV on the hotel car park, we can get it on the television in the cabin if we cross the car park together mum will love it, if she is watching" so we headed out onto the ice and I saw the path Bella indicated that cut back to the hotel, she didn't need my help she followed the track until I turned off to follow the opening towards the hotel which she could not see now we were so far from any light sauce but once on the car parks she pointed out the windows to rooms which they stayed and got us both a hot chocolate as I got us the table closest to the fire, I watched as she drank both drinks and color came back to her face after the bitter cold outside, the temperature gauge indicated -30 degrees on it, it unnerved me a little but she seemed very content, at this temperature I would starting to feel warm to her.

We spoke of the future, she asked if I found it odd that she addressed Dawn and Michael as her parents and Jenny as her sister and her cousins. It did but I understood why, we are the first people to know her as Bella, no one here knows this. Esme pointed out Bella's fears of being discovered as Bella not Emma and the pain this would cause the family not to mention what Aro would do if he found out.

Bella was scarred about this aspect when she met my family, there is something about Aro finding her that she is not letting us, Jasper was fidgety and was trying not to use his calming gift when Bella explained it to them when they first met a few weeks ago, Bella's reaction and agitation indicates something big as a result Alice is watching any decision the Volturi make just in case they decide to pay a visit.

But for now Bella and I are breathing the same air, our skin is being warmed by the same fire and I hold her as best I can on a two foot six inch bed till we return to England in a few days and I get to stretch out next to her on her double. There is nothing I can't face now I know she is alive, well and still in love with me.

I would love to know why she comes to such a cold and for her standards inhospitable place, if it was for her husband then why return now he is gone? Her mother's mind is confusing when I've dropped hints about why Finland, so she is not much help. I understand the reason for not going to Italy to ski but here? Not that it isn't nice, quiet and she can move about freely without watching over her shoulder, the slops are so quiet she can ski how she wants, those snow boarders cutting her up were a rare occurrence.

It was 22.30 when we noticed we were alone in the cafe bar of the hotel, it was time to go, we left and headed back to the cabins as we came to the bottom of the slope we were sliding down our route was plunged into darkness as the lit runs were turned off, I heard her heart rate speed up and she swore in the sweetest way, wobbled a lot but did not fall over as I thought she would but I was by her side before she finished her expletive and was ready to grab her to regain her balance which for some reason made her jump when I spoke, who else would be by her side in the pitch black, "do you want to go on this way or follow the road back?" I asked trying to hide my laughter at her human reactions to sudden darkness as we skied the forest, it was the first time I'd seen her show fear towards me since New Years and that was nothing like this.

"Edward its dark in both directions, we have five minutes of this to get to the road if we go on or a little longer and up that hill again to return to the Hotel and take the foot path, I can't see a thing" she replied

"Are you scared of the dark?" I asked in jest

"yes and so would you be if you knew what comes at you in it..." she replied a little snappy and sarcastically as her heart rate continued to beat like her life depended on it, Adrenaline was coursing through her veins I could smell it in the hot breath that left her open mouth. She was an easy target but I was here what's worse than me?

"There is nothing worse than I, Bella" I jokingly replied.

"yes and it's your kind I'm most afraid of, can we get going before the locals decide to take advantage hun, would you mind sticking close I cannot see my feet" she said.

"what do you mean love, locals?" I could not smell or sense any vampires here.

"three years ago we were here and the same happened, My husband went on as always leaving me to struggle alone in the dark, he didn't come back to see how I was doing after the lights went out, I am just grateful for the bite on my hand and my time with brothers grim"

"the who?" to me they are fictional characters who does she mean

"the Volturi" she said

"Oh.. what happened, why did your husband not wait or come looking for you?"

"it's not something he did, He'd wait for me if he remembered I was supposed to be with him. Git... that time it meant he was alive as one tried to taunt me.." she said as she looked around blindly.

"Tried to, what do you mean?" I asked angry and concerned not to mention relieved by the meeting passing event free, her scent will always draw our kind to her she is so tempting.

"My time in Italy, I learned a lot, I am able to hear what I should not when I can't see. I can smell them when they are close too, kind of useless but it helps, my shield is another defence I have as you know" I know how good that is and how painful too.

"What happened did you use your shield?" I knew there was no one within ear shot of us so speaking openly and freely even in the snow covered woods meant our words would not be heard by a human at least.

"no I didn't get the chance really, he had heard of me or at least the rumour of me killing vampires, he connected the description of my scent and the story together and pulled my glove off when he saw the scar he ran off, from the feel of him he was short, young and a bit stupid, it scared the hell out of me, I was worried I'd get a visit from the guard but no one came as far as could tell, please stay close and don't leave me, we should be close to the end of this bend and then we start to go up a little, then after we should see the street lamps on the road head"

She was lucky; a nomad alone is one thing a couple together she would not have stood a chance. She was indeed correct in her assumption of the track that she was slowly gliding along as a route finder, I held her arm when she wobbled, my hand never far from her now she had told her tale as I pushed my hearing further to listen for the sound of my kind as we skied back to the light, which was no more safe than the dark but it did made her heart rate return to some semblance of normality.

As we exited the path to get to our lane of cabins, she stopped and took my hand in her gloved one, her bright red cold bitten cheeks shone, "thank you, I was glad you were with me this time" I went to kiss her as I said "you're welcome" and kissed her nose as it was the least cold part of her face.

Back at her cabin door she was nonchalant about our trip, to keep the act up, her mother invited me in but I declined sprouting some story about being up early before the crowds on the bus. In fact I only took the bus when they were on it, I preferred my own space when Bella was not close by and took to walking to the base station, I was a little quicker than the bus most days.

I listed to Bella recount the ski to the lake and our hot chocolate as her mother had indeed seen us on the camera, and interrogated her, my clever Bella, I waited as their evening drew to a close, as her mother went to the bathroom I snuck in unable to wait any longer, I made Bella jump again when she came to the top of her stairs and saw me sat on her bed waiting.

She changed for bed in her bathroom, she was much closer this time so shutting off my hearing while she used the facilities was impossible and she was longer than normal I guess as she knew I was waiting for her, I wish she did not have this human reaction. Her ablutions were natural part of being human.

When she eventually joined me, I had pulled the bed from the wall which gave us both enough room to lie together without her hitting herself on it, there was no point me taking the wall side I needed to be gone or hide if anyone came up to see her. I also felt as though I were protecting her better this way.

Tonight I hummed her lullaby which I'd not sung since she vanished, there was not much conversation tonight she looked so tired after the extra bit of exercise this evening, but it felt right for the first time in twenty years to have this melody on my lips, she clung to me as though her life depended on it muttering her love for me a few times as she slept.

Happy New Year.. I'm not going to be able to upload the next chapter for a while..

Seasons Greeting and I Hope you have a good one..


	15. A night out

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters of Twilight.

Chap 13

A night out

Edwards POV

My night of bliss and I mean that whole heartedly as Bella was sleeping so soundly and her body was more relaxed next to mine, was interrupted by screaming and a scream that I'd heard in my victims, blood curdling the humans call it, I came so suddenly I did not at first know who it was coming from and in way I was scared or at least concerned.

Due to the semi isolation of the cabin I found I was locked in Beatrice's head unseeing through her tightly closed eyes but aware of excruciating pain in the side of her head, the pain was worth that scream and the images of how she acquired the root of it flicked faintly like an old black and white movie on a big screen when it's not quite in focus.

Bella was up and out of bed before I realised she was moving, she had to tug twice before she managed to leave my side, not from me wanting her to stay I was just so lost in the pain and images of this child, I watched her grab her cardigan and pull it round her for modesty as she hobbled down the stairs the color draining from her face as I guess shock of the rude awakening sunk in.

I stayed where I was, as I felt through the child her hold her in her arms, soothing strokes of her hands across the child's face and head as she swiftly carried it out of the bedroom it shared with its younger sister. The youngest stirred slightly but went back to sleep when the door was closed.

The inconsolable child feeling a little safer in her mother's arms was terrified, shaking and knew she required medication to make the pain stop. I heard Bella looking for the bottle in ever increasing opening and closing of cupboards and doors asking out loud "where has Grandma put it" as if to summon a reaction or assistance from the snoring woman as she struggled to carried the writhing and screaming child.

I forced my mind to leave the child enough to be of use to Bella realising her mother snored on oblivious to the occurrences outside her door, this made me feel angry toward the woman who was there to help but when she needed the most was snoring away lost in her dream of this child skiing earlier today. "Ahh" my head screamed in frustration of her inability to assist, humans.

"Edward.. I need your help" I heard Bella whisper on her breath, Before she drew a breath in I was there in her eye line, her head motioned to the top shelf of the cupboard she had open, the bottle was on the very top and out of reach to anyone not stood on one of the benches, there was no way in the world Bella would be able to reach it without putting the child down and from the grip the child was holding on to her mother with that was not going to easy.

I pre-empted the next question and read the label as I retrieved the bottle, filled the oral medical syringe with the required and handed it to Bella, who coxed the child so she could see its face to be given the pain killer.

They sat in the near dark their only light from the cooker hood, cuddling and rocking waiting for the med to work; twenty minutes excruciatingly long minutes should see it start to work having studied some aspects of pharmacy way before I met Bella in Forks.

I covered them both in a blanket feeling that from the child's calmer and less pain filled mind that it was cold and was already tucking itself inside the cardigan Bella wore feeling the soothing warmth roll of her. I liked that feeling too, it had a strange effect on me a little like the soporific effect the child had now it was pain free.

The memory of the attack that started these episodes played out in her head and I clearly saw and felt each blow the child had as it was pushed into the door, chest of draws and book case before being thrown down the stairs. I saw through the child's eyes a naked Bella, bent over double as these men committed their vial despicable acts, I saw her with smooth scar free legs and backside. But it did not trigger my hormones as I watched unable to escape the images of what they were doing to her as I calculated men of their size how much force they were exerting to force Bella to comply with their will as they hit her with chains and the hilt of the sward Beatrice had come running at them with moments earlier.

Beatrice is a brave child to want to save her mother with such an act, I felt a new found respect for the child begin to grow within me and I found I stroked its back through the blanket to keep my coldness from its warm body. As the images faded further from focus and its breathing settled back to sleep.

If this is their life after the attack I wonder why Bella has not saved them this and gone for the operation to relive the pressure, it was not my place to ask and it was not the time now but a call to Carlisle may answer my questions, if it is a matter of money I will gladly pay but I'd like to know..

Bella rocked, humming a tune not too dissimilar to the one I hummed her earlier, a different key to suite her voice and the section that always makes Bella's heart react regardless of her being awake or asleep has been changed.

I whispered to Bella that the child did not feel the pain now and tried to explain what I saw in her head, she signed back without looking at me "I know, shh" I heard her voice too quieter than her breathed words when she asked for my help, Alice asked, no not asked persuaded me to learn British Sign Language about 6 years after Bella vanished, I was a little perplexed by this as she knows so many of the worlds Sign Languages, I'd have thought American would be better as we lived there but she insisted, I think I know why now.

I signed back what I was trying to whisper and she was not hearing and to my amazement Bella answered in sign, "I did not know she has such strong memories of that night, I'm sorry you saw, you should not have seen"

"No. Its me who is sorry, I was not there for you, in the child's memory I heard you say my name in your breath when they hit you, I do not know what to say I feel I let you down" I signed back to her, when I heard the inaudible my gut, lurched and my guilt for not finding her was suddenly screaming my failure at me, after 17 years of being apart and under the impression I was dead she asked for me, for my help.

This was not the time for this kind of revolution, what I saw I wanted to discuss, to console her, to kiss every inch of her skin where I saw through the child's hazy and blurred memory that sward and chain hit. I understood why she wanted to hide the scars now, I understood what I was feeling when I felt when she sat on my lap New Years Eve. I also picked up on the face of a man in I assume night wear the other side of the bed, stood frozen to the spot watching her beaten and ... I can't think of the word, I don't want to get angry tonight.

I pushed my anger and shock of what I saw to a separate part of my brain and pulled a new fresher chain of thought to the for "You know Sign Language" I asked her, "how, why?" I could see no deafness in the immediate family and her line of work was not exactly suited for Deaf people as such, but I really did not know what she did.

"I learned it ages ago, went to night classes as a way of escaping the house, there weren't any courses I wanted to do and German and French were hard going as I could hear the Italian ones going on next door I really did not want hear that accent ever again, I wanted a night to escape being Emma, anyway I use it at work now" she replied, with an air of bitterness in her voice, I her reticence is more for the Volturi as I saw she has several Italian contacts in her cardx by the phone in her house.

"work?" I asked her

"Yes, funny how things come about, my job is about accessibility, my bosses found out I sign, when the DDA came into force, I was chosen to take it on and change what we did, I'm the company Access Officer" she signed back at me between soothing shh's and continuous gentle rocking.

Wow, there was more to my Bella that I ever expected, Sign language being one of them. The little girl curled up in her arms looked like Bella did when I caught our reflection in the windows at home in Forks, only it was Bella holding the gentle shape and slumbering form which wore the same calm expression on her face Bella had as I held her like that.

The pain in her head was now a dull ache and the child was asleep. I watched Bella put the child back to bed pulling the door closed behind her; I was amazed at how her mother stayed unaware of the noise and dilemma going on, I was glad I could be of assistance as I took My Bella in my arms and as I kissed her head jumped us back to the mezzanine and carried her back to bed, this being the least I could do. As we settled down she said "Thank you, I don't know why she has to put that stuff up so high, I know Bea climbs but she knows her medicine is not to be played with, Thank you" she added again.

"You don't have to thank me, I am glad I was here" I whispered back to her as she nuzzled in to me and sidled down to get comfortable again. Her warm body soothed me as I mulled over what I'd seen earlier, Bella was not as relaxed or as restful as she was before the scream, she pushed away from me a few times uttering 'Off' and 'get away from her' every so often as soon as I spoke she stilled and pulled herself closer to me again.

Day brake and the children went to their Grandmother leaving Bella and I alone for a little longer, I wanted to give Bella a night out to remember, last nights outing was alright but she needs a break although I am not sure the hour would please her especially after last and her broken night.

I have been working on a plan, today or at least this evening is the ski rep's skidoo trip. I do not want to join the herd, I will hire a Skidoo and leave it parked at the cabin's shed round the corner so her mother does not see it. I will get one of those ridiculous blue all in one ski suites tourists have been hiring to go on excursions to keep them warm, It would break me to give her frost bite, I will pick her up in time to meet the bus that would technically take us for the group run and then steal her away.

I kissed my love good bye again, finding leaving her harder each time I had to do it as I heard her mother close the bathroom door, Bella looked so peaceful it hurt to wake her after her restlessness, I can see in the child's head that the headache has gone but my insides tells me it will return. I'll call Carlisle when I get back to my cabin to get the answers I need, he must know the history having treated the youngest Graham child.

Another late start on the slopes for Bella and her family, Bea had a private lesson with the same instructor as yesterday and was also booked for her first group lesson. Bella skied close to the base station today which is why it took me so long to locate her as I was waiting for her at the top of her favoured slope.

She did not Ski that afternoon but stood outside watching her daughters lesson, listening to every word the instructor said as they passed where she sat, I could not keep away after a couple of loops round the t-bar lift and skied over to her to ask if she was alright, as I approached I noticed she had tears in her eyes but she would not explain them to me or remove her goggles she just kept on filming with the antiquated Video 8 camera.

Something about last night must have unsettled her, her blood pressure and pulse were different. She was containing something within her and was not giving me any signals she wanted to share or let me support her and this hurt me, I wish I could read her mind.

The evening came and I'd already taken advantage of Bella's absence from her mother and had sought permission to take her out on the Skidoo trip and then for a pizza, it seems that they have taken this group tour before and Dawn knows it will end late and Emma will most likely like last time be hungry as she can't eat the cake they serve up, she cannot eat them as one of the ingredients makes her ill from what I've seen in her mother's memories. This highlighted the change in Bella as she's grown older and my lack of knowledge of her life now.

It was all settled I would go round at 8pm, Bella would have had the children ready for bed and it would be the eldest to put to bed. At 8pm I was on the door step without the blue over suit, it smelled of a too many humans, I had just enough time to wash it for her unfortunately it was still in the air drying cabinet when 8pm arrived and I was not risking getting a chill as a result, it suited me fine to swing by my place to suit her up.

This turned to our advantage as I ran in to check it was dry to find it was still damp in a few places, we walked to the path that took us to the hotel, knowing we would be watched on the CCTV as we crossed the car park to the cafe where we waited for the bus to arrive.

The bus pulled up and we exited using a different door Bella knew lead to the accommodation wing, where there were steps that lead down to a rear car park, so clever is My Bella as she lead me away out the back.

Once out of sight from the humans I ended our stroll when we came to the head of the path we skied last night, I pulled her onto my back part way down the slope and ran, the of her here again was amazing, I cut through the trees avoiding the path and evening skiers the deep snow not impeding my speed or balance as I skimmed the surface leaving no trace.

I was so elated at having her on my back again as we arrived back at my cabin I spotted Dawn checking the temperature gauge on the wall, a detour to the rear of the building and an easy leap to the roof and the window kept us hidden from view. I made Bella a hot chocolate as the now dry suit hung open over the backs of a couple of chairs to cool. "Have you eaten?" I asked having spent the evening getting ready and not paying much attention to the cabin two doors down. I did say I'd take her for a pizza.

"no, not yet mum said we were going for pizza after the Skidoo thing,?"

"not a problem, we are going to be out late, the pizzeria will be closed before we get back" I said "is 2am too late for you?"

"Oh, no it's fine but I will be shattered, is that why you told Dawn not to wait up?"

"yes something like that, now what would you like to eat?"

"Anything why" she replied with another question making me smile.

"Alright, what Pizza's do you like I picked up a menu earlier I can run over and collect it before we go out so you stay warm?"

"OK sound good, I guess you didn't pick up the English version?" she said as she looked at the list, I translated and called in her ham and mushroom request, ten minutes later I headed out and collected it, I was back before it was remotely cold and sat watching her eat as we talked about last night and the child's headache.

I was right to have contacted Carlisle, he was more than willing to fly out if there were any additional problems but he assured me that Bella's ability to cope and handle the headaches of the children was nothing for me to worry about, only make sure they did not last longer than twelve hours, if they did call him if Bella had not made contact with any medical services, I wish he would tell me exactly is going on, I find it frustrating to not hear his thoughts over the phone.

While we are out Bella said she would show me why she likes this country and this time of year the most, I'm not sure how as it will be cold, the sky is clear and the moon is not full enough to give much light for her.. I wonder what she will show me.

At last her pizza was finished or at least as much as she is going to eat for now as she put the last half in the fridge for later, I'd be glad to get her another one but she is content with leftovers.

Suited and booted to coin a phrase I hear Dawn use a lot with the family, we were off, It was different somehow I helped Bella zip the blue suite up as the zipper went from her crotch to her neck, if it weren't for all the layers my imagination would have run riot like it used to do with the leather riding jacket I got her once, she looked so dam hot in it, but she would never believe me. I would have loved to have unzipped her from that jacket; in my mind only of course would that happen with her topless, I'd like to unzip her body from this huge blue rather than take her out.

I pushed the Skidoo off the lott to get away from her sleeping children it would not do for me to wake them. My blue Michelin woman was cosy and warm walking beside me, but refusing to sit on as I pushed, it's not that its hard work or anything I would rather her ride than walk, I'm just too old fashioned. But I did enjoy lifting her onto the seat, checking her helmet was secure, she looked like her eldest does when Bella's faffing making sure she is warm and zipped and her helmet secure before a Ski lesson.

The speed was exhilarating, not as fast as I'd like but fast enough with Bella hanging on behind me, every so often I could feel her hand on my back, her screams thrilled me as I tore through the forest in my quest for my perfect place, I'd already chosen it a few hours earlier but it would take a good ride to get there and there is something I want to ask her if the mood is right as well as find out what she will show me, I was itching to get to the clearing.

About five minutes ride from the clearing I stopped, I remember her mother said she's driven one of these things before, I mean it's not that much different to a motorcycle and from the memory her mother had she was not a bad driver that day.. Bella's face when I turned to her was a picture of terror and relief that we had come to a holt, her heart was pounding away inside her layers I wish I could cup it in my hand and hold it while it beats, I love the feel of it against me when it's in that state, it screams life at me.

"Bella love, Are you alright?" I asked gingerly knowing what I was about to ask her to do and being unsure how she would take it. she nodded looking around into the dark forest that surrounded us, she could hear me better if I killed the engine but that would plunge us into complete darkness and I know how she feels about that after the other night so best not and just shout.

"Do you want a go? Drive I mean?" I asked without mentioning I won't be there, she needed to or at least I wanted her to so I didn't have to leave her so far off and come all the way back after lighting the fire to keep her warm. At least moving I knew she would be alright.

"Don't you want to? I mean your such a stippler for control, what's wrong" she said

"Nothing love, I want... I want you to be warm and I'd like to get the fire going for when you get there it's not far and I'll be back before you get to the clearing I promise, I thought you could follow this track and I will catch you up" I hoped she would say yes, I know I'd be back before she makes the fourth turn so she's not going to get lost even if the engine dies I'd find her.

I saw the twinkle in her eye, Oh thank you my silent prayer was answered as she said "Yes, show me what's what, break first how do I stop or slow down?"

"Alright come here" and I moved her to the front seat and leaned over from behind her, it was quite thrilling to feel myself pushed this close to her, my hormonal side was were starting to swell inside me as I felt her on almost every surface of my body that longed for her touch as I wrapped my legs around her as she straddled the machine, it was not doing my resolve any good.

This new invigorated need for her was beginning to become a bigger battle that my natures need for her blood was, I refocused my mind in the here and how before she noticed my pause "this is the accelerator squeeze it to move forward, this switch means you can go backwards, just in case you need it, when you let go you slow down OK, that is your break but you won't need it, alright" she looked lost, I wondered for a second how Jacob managed to teach her to ride a bike.

"Forwards" she nodded as she put her hand on the throttle "I squeeze to go faster and let to go slow?"

"Yes and this button will warm the handles for you, you can change the heat setting.. see" I flicked the switch, "I'll leave it on for you"

"Thank you, so I just follow this path till I find you?" she really did not sound too sure as she shouted back at me an act she did not need to do I could hear her perfectly clearly.

"yes but I'll find you before you get there and climb on, alright? holler if you need me, you know I'll hear" I lifted the visor to the helmet and kissed her on the lips "you'll be fine" I said and put the visor down again, "I'll watch you go" I nodded encouragingly, wanting to see her move before I did.

I watched as she went through the handles again she muttered each under her breath she shocked me when I heard her say 'God I hate motorbikes' I wondered what made her change her mind? But she slowly started to move and pulled off, a little juddery to begin with then she smoothed out and was going, not exactly fast, at this rate she'd be at the second big turn in my path before I get back to her. My face had a smile on it as she accelerated, having adjusted herself in the seat and I heard the gleeful sounds I heard when I followed her on the slopes only I also heard 'another power tool between my legs.. Oh matron' I'm not sure of the social reference but it was a very rude remark and my hormonal side flashed an image of its longing and us together, with me as the power tool.. I shook my head and that blue images away.

When my mind was clean and clear and my love was set at a pace and had smoothed out her control of the skidoo I ran past only to hear her say 'dam its dark, don't get lost. Don't get lost' I kind of like a mantra to herself, I wondered how many mantra's she had uttered in the last twenty years. That thought pained me for a fraction of a second as I wished I could have been there to support and assist her, leaving her like this was a test for myself as much as for her, I knew she would be alright but I needed to prove that to myself, what I saw on the slope with those snow boarders and what she did with her shield are one thing, seeing things for myself and making... well... letting myself leave her is more for me.

I can see she is independent she always was but I'm... well... I've been told I can be suffocating, over protective although never by outright Bella it was more Alice and Rose when they were angry with me, I'm just trying to protect the person I love... I know just how fragile she is which is why I hired that armoured car for her before we were to be married and I changed her, not that it saved her, she was still taken. Nothing I seem to do to keep her safe really worked, I need to learn how to control my need to keep her safe and trust her instincts, all those times she was with Jacob the only time she got hurt was when she hit him, she is quite capable but it hurts to watch her do things alone a little bit like watching her daughter Alice climb the stairs she looks so precarious as if she would fall but Bella just stands back and lets her.

Ah! I can still hear My Love chugging along past the first bend in my track I made for her to follow. My mind went back to how she leaves her children in the care of others, how I've seen she makes her children do things for themselves, I've watched this in other parents and read their minds at the pull, the need to assist them, yet they resist in order to teach the child to be independent to grow up, I don't think Bella needs to grow up its me that needs to learn to trust her especially as I'm paranoid she will be taken from me again or get hurt, I know I will not survive another separation without good reason, I'm dreading my next hunt.

At last I'm at the camp, I'd already piled logs and kindling up to make my fire, smoothed out the snow drift onto a bench for us to lay back on so we are out of the wind that's whipping cross the clearing. Another hour to go before the northern lights appear at their best I can see them now but they are too faint for human eyes.

'_Edward stop being distracted by their beauty Bella is alone' _ my inner self poked at me and I took off in the direction of the engine having lit the fire and checked the area for intruders.

Bella had made it to the third turn when I caught up, I ran alongside but her concentration was such she did not see me till I crossed the path and broke through the light that beamed into the darkness from the headlight she was staring so intently at it, it shocked me that she stopped suddenly,

"why did you stop?" I asked at the same time she screamed.

"IDIOT... You run in front of me idiot I could have.." and panted at me looking shocked and scared, I shook my head at her in disbelief.

"No.. my love you would not have hit me, come one follow me" I said as I started to run in front of the skidoo, I wanted to run, she followed keeping a safe distance from my heals, the fact that I was barely walking at my comfortable pace did not seem to register to her so I sped up, she followed suite but when I got too fast for her she did not increase her speed, so I ran alongside euphoric in my freedom at being with her, I jumped over and ran round her as we travelled forward, I was at a comfortable jog it felt a bit like the vampire equivalent of the human couples you see in the park where one jogs and the other ride a push bike to keep up.

I was so elated I laughed out loud and she looked at me, as I ran in and out of the trees as we kept pace, I shouted to her "I like this, being with you like this, it's amazing, I'd forgotten just how good I free I feel when I'm with you" My smile on my face was one of joy I'd not see it on my face in so long as I saw my reflection in the visor. I loved her smile but as with all things it came to an end as we neared the hill I was not sure she would master without assistance, its undulations may throw her balance so I hopped on wrapping my arms round and taking over the controls.

I tucked my head in next to her helmet, it was uncomfortable but a necessary requirement if I were to keep her safe, I could now smell the smoke from my fire and see the orange flame lick a the night sky a head as I pushed us to go faster as we took off from one of the little rises. That was a mistake her head flipped forward and back hitting me hard enough for it to wind her. "Sorry are you alright" I asked. She coughed a yes back at me as I made sure I didn't do it again.

I helped her alight the now silent Skidoo, my ears ringing a little from the noise and watched as she shook her head to move the numbness the repetitive and constant noise had left. I left the helmet on the seat as we went to walk hand in hand to the indentation I'd made in the snow drift where the fire was blazing warmly but the snow was deep and she sunk pulling me down with her, it was good to hear her laugh, it was the first time I'd heard it since she was taken. I carried her the rest of the way to where I set her down on the snow which was now bathed in moonlight now we were out of the trees.

"Wow" was the first thing she said to me when her giggles had subsided and she'd wiped the snow from my back, "this is beautiful, Edward, Thank You"

It was really I who should be saying thank you to her as it was she who needed it, my inside knotted at the sight of her alone with me, euphoria buzzing inside me like it did the day we were in the meadow for the first time together, I wanted to show off, to pick her up and spin her round, crush her tight to me to feel her body near mine. I really wanted to remove those layers, to have her scent wash over me it was so intoxicating even now as her body heat billowed out of her suit at the neck. I was high on her. I sat down trying to regain some semblance of who I was, be the man my parents raised me to be.

After a few calming breaths I asked "you were going to show me why you liked it here so much?" more as a means to calm me further, she had the strangest effect on me, her voice would break through and I'd suddenly feel alright again.

She turned to me with a thoughtful expression and readjusted her woolly hat tucking in her hair some more, "come here a moment" I did as I was told. "You know how our body temperatures are so different?"

"yes" knowing just how different, some nights in the winter in Forks I could not lie next to her without a blanket between us.

"if you touch my face now.. Will it be warm to you or cold?" she asked

"warm always warm.. why" I said

"When you touch me, I feel cold; your temperature cools me a little. Right?" more like a lot, don't be polite, I know what I do to her, but I get what she means as I waited for her to continue. "The air here does the same; it feels the same as if you were holding my face" she looked down shy, I pulled her chin up so I could see her face, "you were gone, I had nothing to hold onto, nothing made me feel safe anymore, it was so different to when you left me, I had my room and my bed to remind me of you, when I met Charlie and we came skiing here, I found freedom in something that reminded me of you. On the slopes here it was a little like when you ran with me on your back, but out here at minus lots I feel you touch me too" I felt my stomach knot at her recollections, I had her bed, her clothes and her scent on practically everything to hold me to her memory she really did have nothing.

"Don't laugh at this.. but." She closed her eyes and a beautiful serean smile came to her face as her memory flicked in her head, how I wish to share that vision of what she saw, how my frustrations boiled up inside me as her face softened with the image she treasured "I made snow angels with the girls a few years ago, we went into the really deep snow round the back of the cabin, on the girls it was waist deep, as I lay back, the snow flew up and covered me a little, it felt like you were holding me, your gentle cold arms wrapped around me, fingers stroking my face" she coughed a laugh and opened her crystal blue eyes shimmering with moisture, I could not laugh at her, if she knew I showered using her products or spent the night on her bed holding her pillow she would laugh at me, she is human and so fragile. "at some point the girls are going to ask me to make angels with them again, I wonder what it will feel like this year? Knowing your alive and here and I've felt your arms around me and your fingers touch my face?"

I moved closer into hold her, "I'm glad we found you, I wish it were sooner, all the same I can't believe your real either" I confessed to her... and as the curiosity got the better of me "is that the only reason you like these arctic fells?"

"No its quiet, I know the Volturi hate it up here and don't come or send many guards to this part of the world. That and... well look" she pointed out across the clearing at the moon light dancing on the snow making it glisten "like diamonds", that's it diamonds she once said I was like that when she first saw me in sun light "Ok it's not the same as the real thing" as she ran her gloved finger down my cheek " but look at the way the light makes the snow sparkle, when the suns out it is like I'm Skiing on your skin, I imagine my ski's to be my fingers gliding over you, you know since we started to Ski in Finland and I've felt this I have never fallen over, I just felt like you were closer to me, you know.. maybe be I'm just old and a little crazy and m" I cut her off before she became too down hearted, I didn't want that.

"May be, but, I used to go to your house and listen to Charlie snore, I'd watch his dreams of you when you were a child and when you moved to Forks, that's when he wasn't dreaming of fishing. I'd lie on your bed and hold your pillow and I guess I pined for you all night for many nights, now there's a crazy confession" it was at this point the northern lights flashed green across the sky over head sending her flying backwards as she watched the curtains furl in the sky like silks in the wind.

I curled myself up next to her supporting her head on my arm, watching her face as the colors fanned and waved gracefully in the air above us. I traced the tear that fell from her eye and as rolled over her cheek I mopped it up and sampled it how I used to, its warm saltiness did nothing to dilute her essence held within it. Then without asking myself or even giving it any conscious though I heard my words in the air between is "will you marry me" I was as shocked by the words as she was to hear them going by her expression, I had meant to ask her this at some point but it was not the right time.

Her reply was not so much shocked as bemused; she reacted to the question in a way I was not quite expecting as a smile came across her face "I never thought we broke it off" she joked "but seeing as your asking. I've not given it much thought now I know your alive" I did not know what to say my everything felt like it was suddenly at stake, not how she refused me before but...

"Will you marry me" I asked again this time from my heart not taking my eyes from hers as the lights danced above us and the electric charge that normally accompanied any intense feelings we had, felt like it was dancing the same dance as it moved between us. I felt more scared of her answer this time that I did when I repeatedly asked her when she was seventeen.

"Is that wise?" she said calmly thinking her words but I could feel the blows coming "I mean I'm not exactly... well look at me.. and I have baggage, twenty years worth of it and change, you need to get to know the new me the Emma version of me and" here it comes "in the eyes of everyone who knows me.. as Emma... WE have not been dating that long.. just two days if you can call it that..." alright I conceded she had a point two days in the eyes of mother at last, "You need to think about what you're asking, are you ready, is this" as she indicated to herself again "what you really want, me, the possibility of hassle from the Volturi again? And worse you want to take on my kids?"

"yes" I replied she was everything to me and more, I liked her children we would have to work something out but yes, yes to everything as for the Volturi we'd dealt with them before we can do it again.

"Edward" she broke my spell I knew there was a 'but' in the way she said my name, she looked into my eyes, never blinking as she whispered "I can't give you the answer you want, not right now... but I'm not saying no, I need time, this is too fast, I have a whole life I need to sort out before I can give you an answer, you need to know what my life is, you may not like it and you should have the chance to change your mind" I would never change my mind, how could I, did she ?

"Is there someone else?" I asked hesitantly as by heart prepared to shatter into a million shards,

"No.. not exactly but I need to sort myself out, too many people know I won't.. I can't go from hating men to being with someone all the time, they will think something is wrong and ask questions I cannot answer, do you understand?"

I was starting to see what she was getting at as she went on "look, let me explain... I lock my doors and windows at night, I set the house alarm, I sleep with a cricket bat in my bed, to suddenly change that will spark suspicion... but when I'm with you I do not need to do that any of that, not because you're a vampire and any intruder has a cat in hells chance, but because of how I feel when I'm near you, I don't feel anxious when I go to sleep more to the point I've slept, I'm not saying NO Edward but I can't say yes either... at least not now" I glanced away and swallowed hard against the pain the tour through me.

She must have seen it in me as she said "Edward, do not dought what I feel for you. I have been through too much, I have to think of my children as well here, they will always come first, take the vampire out of this your still a man and they hurt us, they, we need to learn to feel as safe around you, they need to see that you and your family are not a threat, they can cope with sort visits but longer term I have no idea how they will cope... " she explained I understood her point of view but it did not help the pain inside me.

"What the bad men did?" I asked hesitantly using the words I'd heard the children use she nodded.

"it was... not nice, I need to learn to trust again and they need that too, I protected them as best I can but I can't save them and nor must you. I want them to feel as safe, feel free like they used to.. bef..." she welled up chocking on her words, my pain went as I saw hers increase and my limited understanding of her past became a little clearer as I added missing pieces of information.

"What is it my love? Before what?" I pleaded needing to know

She looked to the array of lights that danced above us for a long time, then as my resolve was about to break her posture shifted and she breathed in sharply and confessed "they are going to die,.. Because of what those two men did to them, the venom my body absorbed did not pass to them when they were born, when we were attacked I healed.. my muscle tissue and internal injuries healed quickly and strongly they hurt me badly but could not break me no matter how hard they hit me. Their headaches will get worse as they grow and one day... it will be too much" she looked at me again, an inner strength boring from her blue eyes in such a way I felt in awe of her feeling she had recounted this many a time to various doctors.

"There is nothing I can do for them, at least that will not or may not extend their life without impeding in or changing them from who they are, that includes asking someone to bite them" she shot me a sideways glance how did she know this thought was in my head? But she said no more about it other than a look that reminded me of the knowing looks Esme gives us

"I am not in a position to look after children who have brain injuries as a result of surgery, I could not live with myself for making that choice.. I know you've asked Carlisle, as has Esme, he won't tell you because I asked him not to, I know what you're thinking it's no different to anyone else but it is my choice, my decision. I wanted to end this miserable life of mine after they were gone but now I know you're alive I have a reason to live again, if you want me that is"

"Of course I want you, why do you think I asked you to... look I don't want to see the sun rise or set without you there with me" I replied

"My children come first, before me, before anyone even you" she said as she stroked my face "their safety and happiness is all I live for, I think you can understand this?" I do it's how I feel about her "Please, if being with me is what you want... let's live.. get to know me, let me get to know you before you choose, Emma can't leave this life as fast as I left my other one, too many people will be affected this time, not just us"

I just nodded unsure what to say, she had confessed to her children's deaths, something I could see was hard for her to do, if I equate this to me I know how I would feel if it were her, the pain would be unbearable yet she carries on, she is stronger than I am. But my head was ringing with her comment 'not a no' I could live with time, get to know her, there was obviously so much that had changed, I'd be a fool not to see that.

"Enough of the miserable stuff" she said changing the subject and her tone "I want to do something?"

"anything.. what is it" I replied

"absolutely nothing..." she proclaimed as she waved her arms signing the word 'nothing' as she said it "Just lie here in your arms, doing the one thing I've longed for, for years... hearing and feeling you breath, it's all I've wanted since was taken and its pretty dam quiet here, it's not hard to hear you right now" it was all I wanted too only I want to hear her heart beat it used to me the single most important sound of my life till I lost it and she was right it was quiet and I could hear it beating so melodically pumping her life force round her body so beautifully.

"We can do that" and I held and kissed her head before rolling back to watch the lights dance in the sky above us.

I whispered to her "not a no?"

As she snuggled into me, "hum no...not a no" she said dreamily.

The fire died down and it was time to get my sleepy head back to her bed and her children. It was a hard ride for her on the return she had to fight sleep to hold on to me as I speed through the trees back to Yallas, back at my cabin I helped her take the blue over suite off, forfilling just part of my mental fantasy before I walked her home.

Her cabin was in darkness except the TV flickering away silently, her mother had gone to bed leaving her door open so she could see the light change when Bella was home so without adding any extra light to the cabin I carried my sleepy head quietly in, the stairs are too narrow to carry her like this so I did the next best thing and jumped to the mezzanine and helped her out of her Ski coat and pants.

I left her with her bathroom light on to get herself changed the rest of the way, she struggled a bit I could hear her effort while I hung her jacket and pants on the empty pegs by the door, I locked up, switched off the TV and checked in on the children as I passed their door, I already knew they were asleep and dreaming of their day in the snow but looking was something I seem to not be able to resist now there was a possibility they would or could be mine.

When I heard the toilet flush I jumped the banister again to see Bella push the washroom door open and stumble to her bed, I caught her before she landed, she was exhausted it was too late for her and I felt bad at the effect it was having, when I last had her out this late she was fully awake, I guess this is an age thing, something I had not appreciated before. I sat by the bed tucking individual strands of her hair behind her ear, she mumbled my name in a way that made my inside leap and she uttered "I love you" as she eventually drifted off I replied "as I you" and kissed her head but she was already asleep.

She spoke in her sleep, the word 'yes' came from her lips several times I wish I knew what she was dreaming of part of me wished it was the answer to my proposal but I could not be sure.

Just that it was not a no.

Cheers for reading...

Written to for my pleasure and I thought I'd share; the chapters that follow may contain more lemons...

Even ripe juicy ones..

PP


	16. Plans

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters of Twilight.

Chap 14

Plans.

Edwards POV

I did not get chance to take Bella out again, her mother had booked a trip to see Santa for had and Beatrice so the next day they all left the mountain early, it was an arrangement I'd seen in Dawns mind but did not realise the full implications, I had not expected Bella to stop Skiing for the day to help get them off and I missed her.

I did not see in her mother's mind what plans Bella had either I'd seen them all catch the bus from the locker room where I'd been checking their locker and seen the ski's and boots all packed away and ran through the forest following the bus to see Bella get off the Ski bus a stop later than normal leaving her mother to take the children back to their cabin.. I was frustrated as the cloud cover which was up on the fell was not in the valley and the stop where Bella alighted was bathed in less than glorious sunshine as was the sidewalk she strolled down.

I watched Dawn's mind as she walked the children through the underpass and back to their door, I used the underpass as soon as it was clear of humans and used the cover of the forest and shade from buildings to follow Bella to the Destination Lapland building, I heard her arranging the hire of a Pulk, eventually she emerged with a ski sledge designed to carry children in while out Cross Country Skiing, it was a two day hire she'd made by the looks of the sheet the attendant was filling in as I read her mind and watched through her eyes, Bella must be planning on taking Alice out in this thing?

I watched as she harnessed herself in, she had used one of these before going by the speed and precision to which she untangled the harness and clipped the straps and started walking back having plugged herself into her ipod, as she passed where I hid I picked out the voice of her friend singing again, it was a track in playlist all of which were upbeat and I watched as she matched the beat with her walking pace.

She left the Pulk up ended outside her cabin and went in, I can't seem to get used to the number of meals humans eat a day, I realised the sandwiches made for Bea and her grandmother to take with them were for later, Bella was packing a bag with more food and a flask only stopping to watch Bea and her mother off, Alice was upset not to be going with them.

I heard Bella explain that they were going on an adventure, through the child's tear filled eyes I made out Bella packing a bag with chocolate and a flask of drinks, pack it in a back pack and the get herself ready in her cross country boots, before she dressed Alice and locking up the cabin.

Bella looked up at the sun and frowned, "I like you but I wish you weren't out right now, I'd like company, but it ain't going to happen with you out.. hay ho come on Alice, look at this sledge" she added pulling the Pulk down and loading it up with her bag and the fleece for Alice to sit on she had a couple of blankets too and her Ipod with a different headset I guess for the child to use.

Alice climbed in and I heard the click of the seatbelt, I watched as Bella covered Alice, checked she was alright before she harnessed herself up and grabbed her ski's, she did not put them on till she was at the track, she turned up hill pulling the sledge and the child, before she stopped and put her Ski's on, then she was off, not fast but at a brisk pace, Alice was lost in a world of Chitty Chitty Bang Bang and singing along as she sat watching her mother pull her along.

I nipped in and out of the trees to avoid bringing her attention to me and from other skiers. She took a path which lead her to a quiet section of the forest, she was following the reindeer hoof prints I'd better keep my distance now she has verbally told the child to watch out for them too, they were singing or resisting a rhyme "we're going on a reindeer hunt, we're going to see a big one, its a beautiful day and we're not" Bella stopped at this point and the child piped up "Scared" I had to laugh as the rhyme went on "Oh no a forest a deep dark forest..."

I watched as they sat in a clearing eating a cake and drinking from what it smelt like hot chocolate, looking at the herd of reindeer not all that far from them. They were there for ten minutes taking pictures and talking about the animals before they packed up when it became dark.

Back at the cabin I watched Bella carry the now sleeping Alice into the cabin, and heard her place her on the couch after struggling to get her out of her snow suit. I watched as she retrieved her bags and blankets from the pulk and stood it up next to the cabin with her ski's. Inside I could hear the sounds of food being prepared, and of Bella clearing up from their outing.

I was about to knock on the door when the child woke up, crying, so I watched through the windows as it clung to Bella making it difficult for her to do anything, I could see from the child's mind that it was not in pain, it was just not quite awake, all it wanted was her and nothing else no matter what Bella did to distract the child. Biscuits, hot chocolate and films it stayed wanting her, I saw how this hampered food preparation and the other tasks Bella was juggling.

The child left Bella's side to help put laundry in the washer but this was not exactly helping Bella for as soon as the pile was in she went back to wanting her mother, I watched as their meal was placed in the oven and she folded several clothing times Bella had collected from the drying cabinet as the child destroyed the piles Bella had neatly folded, it was very funny to watch but I could see Bella's frustration levels rising when she folded the same top five times and fetched the socks from the floor.

The tasks were complete and their meal cooked, I watched as Bella fed herself and helped the reluctant child cut up and eat it portion of salmon. She had not stopped once since the child woke, she had not really stopped since she got back to the cabin if I'm to be honest, I can see that these tasks need completing and I can see that alone and at human speed it will take her some time even without the child hindering her abilities somewhat.

I wished I'd knocked the door and offered my assistance by shower time for the child impeded my rectification of my bad choice, the childs mind was full of more resistance but I'll give Bella credit she did not give up even when the screams got too much for her and I saw through the child's eyes Bella wince at the pitch.

By 18.30 I noticed the cabin was quiet, most of my visual viewpoints had been bared as Bella had shut the blinds, I climbed in through the window upstairs and watched Bella clear the table and set the dishwasher and had the night clothes of the other child laid out on the table. With a steaming mug of tea in her hand she walked under where I stood and sat down.

I was unable to be seen by her from where she was but it shocked me when after taking a spit of her hot drink she said "I know your there, you may as well come and join me"

I walked the stairs feeling rumbled and joined her on the couch. "how did you know?" I asked her

"Something's I guess you don't forget" she replied leaning into me and sipping another mouthful of tea.

"Something's" I asked "such as?"

"Oh I don't know.. hum.. feeling the air temperature change just slightly, the air pressure changed fractionally too, the feeling of something you can't see, humans tend to make noise in some way shape or form, the sense of absence gives the game away" she said

"Oh right, when did you know I was there?"

"When I felt you watching me from outside, I guessed it would be a matter of time before, you came in, I deliberately didn't lock my window, I didn't really know how to ask you without sounding sad, desperate, you know" she placed her hand on my heart as it pulsated. I could not wait to be next to her and I did not think it was as she said 'Sad' I just kissed her head and held her hand tighter to my now quite noticeable moving heart.

"Edward" I love her tone when she has a question she is unsure of asking "your heart its... urm... moving... urm... beating?" she added with scepticism in her voice.

"I know"

"Why" like I know, I've been trying to work that one out.

"I have no idea it all started New Years Eve, one of your tears fell inside the wound next to my heart, as it healed I felt it soak into my heart, its been moving about inside there ever since, it does this when your near me" I said

"Oh! Sorry ... Dose it hurt?" I shook my head it felt amazing, makes me feel a little more human if anything to have it beating and reacting physically to her presence.

"Oh! OK, I feel I should apologise" she muttered as she ran her fingers over my breast and the beating heart beneath.

"no you don't have to do that, I like it, it's warm if anything and makes me feel connected to you when we are apart, I feel whole when it moves like this" I said

After a time sat in silence she started to talk again she brought up the subject of her children and me, "you really want to be with me don't you?" she said, of all the silly questions to ask...

"yes" I proclaimed laughing a little at the absurdity of her question.

"you don't mind that I have another man's children?"

"no, they are part of you how could I? Especially when they look so much like you, it's hard not to" I replied as we continued to cuddle in the corner of the couch.

"You're mad, you know that" she said as she rubbed my chest with her hands.

"hum" I mumbled into her hair loosing myself in her scent, unsure of where this was leading, her heart rate and breathing were at a steady pace and there was no hint of adrenaline in her system it was not going to be painful where ever it lead.

"You realised if they get used to you, they may hate you for taking their mum from them?"

"I'm not. I have no intention in taking you away" I stuttered honestly.

"No I mean, they will see you as competition, they hated it when Charlie and I cuddled up, one of them would try and get in the middle, it annoyed the hell out of him. I don't think It will be easy for you and you can't just tell them off for their behaviour, you can't laugh at me for it either it will make them worse and play up" she explained, I was not buying this and huffed.

"Hay if you think the Volturi could torture a person" I tried not to flinch when she said that name, it makes my skin crawl "human or otherwise then think again, they have nothing on what kids can do to a human. How they will affect you I have no idea considering you don't need to eat or sleep, but they are devious.. Oh!" and she sat up looking at me making me worry for a second "and you're not buying them off either, none of you are I've already had to have a chat to Alice about the treats she gives them, they have to like you because of you, treats need to be earned, deserved and it's to be small things too like one packet of sweets or a magazine. Nothing big and fancy I know what you're like alright?"

I pulled her head back to my chest having heeded her warning, how was I going to achieve them liking me without showing them how much I love them, _love them_.. wow I guess I do, what she said hurt my heart a little it twinged when she said I could not buy them things. How I can make the children like me? Rosalie seems to have managed it. I wonder how? "What can I do to show them I like them, make them like me,?" I asked

"Easy, do nothing... take your time watch them, may be help them when the really need it, coats, shoes, kind of thing... maybe offer to read or do things, you know like get them to help you wash the car or chop some vegetables, they like helping and it's a devious way of breaking them down they will be close to you and will get used to your company. When they ask for you without prompting or go to you, you've got them" she said offering this advice openly "watch Supernanny, it may help as well and explain how I deal with them"

More insights to how she ran her family and how the children are so well behaved, I spotted the ribbon with two pegs which is hanging from a hook, I had seen it go up and down and the use of the word 'fairy' but these were pegs with stars on so I did not make the connection before. I will have to work hard at what she said, all I want to do it is buy all of them the best I can offer, seeing them in bargain and second hand items is hard to handle. I can see the reasoning but all the same...

We held each other for another hour, till she started to fidget and watch the clock "what's wrong?" I asked as her body temperature and heart rate increased.

"Beatrice and mum, I mean Dawn should be back soon, its late"

"you don't need to explain your family I understand, you can address them whichever way" I said and added "If it helps I heard a coach a moment ago, the minds of its occupants were all in English and of Santa Clause, do you want me to go and meet them at the hotel?"

"No.. You don't need to do that"

"But I do need to go before they get here, I will watch them get home safely and see you in bed later alright, stop worrying they will be fine" I said as I kissed her and left by the front door.

The rest of the week was quiet; I met her once more at the restaurant on the fell for lunch she did not ski as much in the last few days. We spent the nights together where we discussed more aspects of coming home with her, I decided I would rent a property close by and spend as much time with her as possible, learning her routines and work, we'd 'date' and make it look like we had meet and continued our relationship.

It was hard to watch her struggle with her bags and the children as they caught the coach that collected them at 9am on that last Sunday morning, she clung to me all night as if she were afraid to let go, she whispered "I will see you, won't I, you're not going to vanish"

"No... I won't vanish, as soon as I can I will be with you, I will text you when we land, I will be with you tomorrow night in your home I promise you, nothing will stop me from being with you from now on" I admitted.

At last our time to leave had arrived and our coach pulled up the scent of Bella and her family was still strong and I sat myself in the same seat she had. Their scent still fresh in the departure lounge, much to Jasper and Alice's frustration at me I followed it to all most every part of the lounge she went to, leaving out the washroom but I did check in the baby change suit. I have no idea why.. It was a room with a sink, toilet, potty and table for changing dippers. Being away from her was driving me crazy, following her scent seemed to make me feel better? If you could call it that at least in here I could touch the surface she leant up against without looking a fool.

As we finally took off heading to Bristol, Alice had a vision of Esme signing a rental deal on the house next to Bella's, I can't tell you how please we both were although for different reasons Alice saw that Esme had decided to leave the décor to me which in turn means Alice.

Jasper on the other hand was not so pleased with our silent shared glee being as he puts it mentally challenged, he knew there was trouble or at least pleasure for his wife and trouble for him by her bouncing and squeaking. Her head was then filled with lists of all sorts of stuff I'm not sure I'd ever need or use but Alice is Alice.

The drive back to the Cullen family home in Birmingham was long and slow, the country had been hit with more snow and the roads were useless and tail backs long, I abandoned Jasper and Alice on the M5 my need to be with Bella greater than ever, especially now as I saw in Alice's vision of Carlisle and the family as they pulled into a motorway rest stop for the restroom not too far from their home.

I made it back to Emma's house half an hour after they arrived, Rosalie was already there playing with the children while Bella unpacked and had made a start on the laundry she refused to let Carlisle take any with him for Esme to do, at last from his mind I could see she let him carry the bags up stairs for her. 'She is just as suborn son' he thought to me as I entered the house "welcome back" he said to me when I closed the door.

He was settled in the chair in the corner of the living room listening to the stories from the children, watching them for signs of deterioration in their conditions after Bea's Headache. I found Bella in her room and we stood holding each other saying nothing, just our hands moving, touching the back and neck of the other, I wanted to stop the world, the air I breathed when filled with her scent was the sweetest. With the children occupied I took her next door to my new home, hoping she would approve, the place was cold and void of all furniture making it look and feel depressing in comparison to my mood.

As soon as the door was closed I had her back in my arms and swung her round over joyed at being in a space that meant I was free to hold her and kiss her in a way I could only achieve when everyone was asleep. I showed her around the house and offered to have a key cut for her. I was surprised to find she has one already, it was the one with the diamond as a keychain that hung on her key hooks, she is a key holder for the owner.

I was under the impression that the circle of people she knew was limited and most of the humans in the street tend to keep themselves to themselves. "It's a long story, ask me about it when you want to get some sleep" she said, I know it's a human term but was she saying she'd never tell me or was she forgetting I don't sleep?

She is at least happy with my location, I would stay overnight in her house and spend the days when she is at work here or in her house doing the little jobs I have seen need doing, such as the dripping shower tap, re-stick the wallpaper on the stairs although having said that I did see some rolls of paper with the words 'Stairs and landing' scrawled on them, I will ask her about these as its not her handwriting.

We would stage visits and trips out so the neighbours and children would follow the natural progression of a normal relationship. Alice finally arrived and had Jasper on the end of a tape measure taking notes, his head was full of apology to me for what was to come, I knew her tastes having endured it many times before and as usual within two days furniture vans would arrive and the house would suddenly be transformed to a place fit for a human, from what I saw in Alice's head I had a spare room for any of my family to visit mostly Rosalie by the looks of things she is so keen to be on there for these children and mine which was nothing more than a closet a bed with a desk with the computer which was still in its box waiting to be opened?.

While we waited for items to arrive and I had Jasper to hand, we checked out her place of work, he knows what I'm like and Alice seems to have tipped him off that I want to monitor Bella's, so it was not hard to explain my needs. He did give me warning that he does not want to be implicated if Bella finds out.

Fine, I guess I now know what the computer was for as he wired it up and uploaded software that let me watch her place of work's CCTV, it also let me have access to a camera we installed above her desk so I could see what she was working on, while I was working on installing the camera he was fiddling with her computer so I can see what's on her screen and access her emails, from what Alice says she can do that already from home but I can take remote control of her PC if she needs help Alice predicts she will be very busy and I will want to help and being remote I can work on things as if it were her doing it. We can have secure IM conversations if needed. None of it traceable by the tech guys that work at her place or off sight.

I had Jasper bug her cell phone too, I noticed that she always had it on her when she went out at least if she was not at her desk or visible on camera I could find her. I just prayed she would not be too mad at me for this, but I saw in Alice's head Bella's reaction to me bugging her phone and I flinched a little in anticipation as the vision had her going quiet on me. I needed to know she was alright when I could not be with her.

Bella's bedroom was heaven to me, it felt like I was home when I climbed into the bed with her that first night home, her separate covers meant I could lie under them with her and still protect her from my ice cold skin, it was a very European way of doing bedding but it worked in our favour, my body temperature was not sucking hers away from her.

I watched the first day of my new life unfold before me as I sat back and stayed hidden as she got the girls dressed and drove Alice to nursery and then walked Beatrice to school, the sun was out so I stayed stuck in her house for a while, the morning in the street was too busy and I had left it too late to get back to my empty house without risking being seen, it was very open with no place to hide, dam I had been so wrapped up in Bella I had not taken note of my surroundings. But I was at least I remained unseen by the children who as Bella predicted would not go to the other side of the bed as I lay on the floor.

Day two I found I was nervous when she woke and then when she did not return from the school run like she did yesterday I was in a frenzy I knew it was her first day back at work and that she takes a ride into town from a friend and will catches the bus home to collect the children on route, I can meet her at the nursery with the car. But I could not stay indoors waiting even my list of jobs I wanted to do for her could not hold me any longer and I headed out to find her, the weather was in my favour at least and dry as I hid myself away in the recesses of the theatre roof, I was glad there were no performances going on the thousand or so extra humans would have made finding her near impossible.

I could see her pass a few offices as she said "good morning" and reply to the questions about her holiday, then it went silent and she did not meet anyone else but I could follow her movements though the sounds she made as she walked the corridor, through the door, up some stairs then I heard her keys at the door to the office Jasper and I were in at the weekend. I heard the sound of printers powering up and her computer, from my roof top spot I watched her take her coat and cardigan off.

She opened her draw and then disappeared from view locking the door as she walked the route she'd just made, the widows to the roof did not give me a clear view of her but I heard her in the kitchen and from the extractor unit I picked up her scent as she stood under the it as she filled the kettle. Her scent calmed my nerves now I could hear and smell she was in tacked.

By the time 10am arrived there were more people in the office giving me a better view and insight into her job as I watched her and listened to their thoughts on what she was doing? There was no mention of me as she described her holiday but it was there in her colleagues mind that there was something she was not being told.

I watched my Bella, leave the office several times returning with Post, Stationary Orders and trays of hot drinks, the English really do need tea to function, I thought it was just a joke.. Well this office seems to need it to fuel them at any rate. I listened in on a meeting she had to attend and heard her discuss lunch time. I wondered if she would lunch with me. or at least I had no idea what she did for lunch so I sent her a text, I watched as she opened it blushing slightly which was picked up my Victoria her colleague.

"is there something you're not telling us about your holiday? I know that look, come on tell all" she said across the office, I was taken aback by the openness and brash nature of the request as Bella blushed a deeper shade of crimson.

"not really I met someone, that's all"

"really and?"

"And nothing, he sent me a text that's all" Bella replied, even I could tell by her tone that she was hiding more she is the worst at this...

"and.. come on girl.. tell, Emma Graham I have never known you to hold back on details..."

"tell you what, I met someone while away and" Victoria cut her off

"name, where does he live are you going to see him again.. details woman... I need them now" Victoria sprouted

"Edward, he lives in Stourbridge.. yes the same town as me.. don't go there alright, he's a friend"

"Oh really.. just a friend and what do you mean 'Go where'?" she said sarcastically "Is he? You know" I could see in her mind she wanted to know if we had slept together and what it was like.

"you are so rude, he's a nice guy, it was good to have company, talk to someone and not be pressured, you know" Bella replied diplomatically

"So where did you meet him? On the flight where, will me meet him?"

"Oh!" Bella exclaimed "I think it's a bit soon to scare him with you lot, we were at the same section of cabins, caught the same bus, we got chatting when we were on the same T-bar one time, we got on and skied together after his family went their separate ways"

"What does he say?" she said indicating to Bella's phone

"He's in town and wants to know if I want to grab a coffee or lunch?" Bella replied omitting most of my text, I asked her if I could buy her lunch and when she was stopping for it and how long she got was allowed to have.

"go now" her head was filled with the meeting she had a noon and that she may get to meet me if she left at the same time.

"I'm a bit busy right now I'll go at 1pm as usual, I'm not much of a coffee drinker anyhow, he's in town all week working for some company or other I can hook up another day, I'll just get my usual potato from the guy outside M&S and go and sit somewhere quiet as its dry out" Bless my Bella she gave her friend all the information she needed to hear and sent me a text saying, 'I break at 1pm, getting a potato from cart by M&S, are you in town?'

I texted back that I will see her at the potato place and to look out the window, to which she did and she had the most radiant smile on her face which she buried immediately behind a bottle of water she took gulps of.

I meet her for lunch and walked with her to some secluded benches round the back of the library, we were not disturbed as she ate and I watched, wondering how she could eat something that grew underground but I'm sure I ate the same thing when I was human.

The week rolled by, we got a baby sitter to watch the children so I could take her out. Her friend volunteered her sitting services so we could go to watch the latest Harry Potter film. Bella has nice friends, I was introduced to several of them and from what was in their minds I am approved of and they are ecstatically happy that she is moving on and has found someone again.

I noticed when I was in the office with Jasper that Bella had February half term off. We discussed going back to the states, she seemed to like the idea, it also coincided with Carlisle finishing his latest placement and both Esme and he were back to the states for a break before moving again. I was left to make the arrangements I could not wait to take her home, even if it was for a week.

Credit - kids book used was We're going on a bear hunt by Michael Rosen.


	17. February Half Term

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters of Twilight.

Chap 15

February Half Term

Bella POV

(I thought you could do with a change of prospective for a while, remember she's be Anglicised)

Oh heck, what have I let myself into? I've handed planning of our week away to Edward, I must be going soft, I'd have never trusted Charlie like that, he constantly forgot details such as not informing the airline that we have a nut problem or he'd book things to suit him but are impractical for the girls and I'd be struggling with them.

Edward has just shown me the flight information. First class, he worked out it does not matter what time the flight it as its eight hours long plus connections we are going to struggle with the children regardless, he is not sure how they will cope being cooped up for that length of time either, is this man for real?. I mean I know he doesn't sleep and his hearing not to mention mind reading ability give him an advantage over me, it's not exactly his job or expected of him but he is there when then need help in the night.

Esme and Carlisle are flying with us so we have extra hands to help with the children although having said that Edward has proved a match for any tantrum or tired fit the girls seem to throw at him, it as taken a month of hard work for them to like him enough to want him to do things with them. Now all I hear is 'I want Edward to do my coat up', or 'I want Edward to get me from school'. 'Can Edward read my bedtime story' Don't get me wrong but it's a complete flip to how they were with their biological father, I use these words as I've heard them call him dad or daddy sometimes when they are really tired. I like watching his face when they slip up like that, he can't mask that emotion from me.

Our relationship is now viewed as serious by my friends so having him round some nights is not seen as strange in fact it is encouraged quite openly. I had a whole week of should I shouldn't I conversations as word went round my small circle of friends and they all called to push me on.. If only they knew.

Well It's going to be a busy week, I understand that the Cullen's no longer live in Forks but in a secluded part of Yellowstone Park, Alice and Jasper have been booked to fly the last part with us, mainly so he can pacify the children and help set their body clocks Edward has calculated how much sleep we should let them have and when they should have it to help with the transition from UK time to Yellowstone. I've not got the heart to tell him that getting them to sleep is going to be harder than he thinks but I am glad he's asked Jasper unless he is his back up?

Lord knows what Alice has planned I had an email from her with a list of clothes I should bring for everyone she has a shopping trip planned, she and Rose have this all planned and she sees me not having room in my suitcase to bring everything back.

I am looking forward to seeing the Cullen house, I love Esme's style and I kind of regret that my father Charlie is no longer with us and everything I knew as home is now gone for good, with the Cullen's at least I have them as a reminder of how things were when I was younger, I am looking forward to seeing the objects that I remember in real life, I've visited many churches in the past twenty years and none of the wooden crosses compare to Carlisle's fathers, I found the area where Carlisle grew up once but no sign of the church or graveyard where his father would be buried.

The day of the flight arrived, Edward had the car packed and ready to go, I was so anxious I made myself ill and did not sleep, not that mattered to him he carried on as if I were fine, which I had asked him to do after he ascertained I was not actually ill and that travel at least travel over any distance tended to make me this way, I explained why I was like this to which he gave me the loudest laugh I'd heard from him and he just hugged me tightly to him giving me the packet of antiacid tables and a bottle of water for the journey, I subsequently found a small bin bag in my pocket just in case I was sick on route to the airport. Edward really did not miss anything I did not have to lift a finger or pre-empt any occurrence and my anxiety subsided way before we got to the check in desk.

The first five hours at First Class was bliss, Beatrice was given the choice of who she wanted to sit next to as I had Alice as we took off, Beatrice chose Edward which made him very proud of his month's accomplishments with them both. As soon as we were off the ground and the seatbelt signs were off there was a swap around, Alice wanted to sit with Carlisle and Beatrice wanted help drawing her picture which Esme started with her as I packed last night. Edward sat next to me holding me tight to him the whole time.

I asked him a couple of times what he was thinking, he giggled every so often and when I came back from the washroom I could not hold back from asking, it looked at me as if it were the first time, I love that sparkle his eyes have, and his crooked smile which erupts across his face slowly till it reaches fruition and his whole demeanour glows, it makes my insides loop the loop as it did when I was seventeen and a high school kid. I can't help loving that man of mine. I think if I was a stick of Blackpool rock and I were to be snapped in two I would have 'Edward' right the way through me. Silly thought but it show I feel.

"I'm listening to their thoughts" he said in a whisper tinting his head to the seats occupied by his parents and my girls "I don't have words it is truly amazing how they are around each other"

"Oh! It looks fine to me, normal for a change if anything.. " I said "what aren't you telling me?" I whispered back feeling him burry his lips in my hair and breath in.

"Alright but you won't like it.." that got me worried

"Edward. What is it" as I tensed in my chair waiting for were going to crash or something like that "you" he continued after a short time "the last time we were on a plane together" I swallowed hard, I remember that day, it was one of the best and my scariest all in one, I thought he would not want me back, I thought so many things and I fought to stay awake to absorb as much of him as I could but this time he was mine.

I pulled in closer to him and uttered "I love you, so much, we are together now" he hugged me a little tighter too. It would have been a perfect time to say 'Yes' to his proposal everything at that instant felt right, connected and in its rightful place but I just was not ready, I still needed time, so much of my life has been screwed I need to make sure I want him in so many ways but don't hurt him if I flip out, I know what rejection can feel like and he does not deserve that feeling poisoning his heart.

One of my many dreams is to make love to my Edward, I used to imagine my first lovers were Edward, I had such a rude awakening to the life of Emma, but I don't think sex with Edward is on the cards this week anyway we both or he seem to know what the limit is but at some point I won't want to stop I just need to be ready for that. But for now cuddling up next to him knowing he was not ever going to leave me was fine and dandy.

As the flight progressed Edward pretended to sleep! When meal times came around and I ate his portion when he 'woke', Carlisle and Esme gave the girls most of their meals, swapping items we knew the girls would eat and as most of First Class was empty I sat with Bea leaving Carlisle hidden from view as he bagged his leftovers and what food Esme blurred to him to be taken to the washroom bin later.

I must have fallen asleep at some point cause when I woke needing the loo, I saw Edward was stood outside one of the washrooms and Esme and Alice were missing from their seats and Carlisle looked as if he'd nodded off with his book, As I passed him he told me Esme was changing Alice's dipper further back as it was a little larger, while I slept the three Cullen's had started the time shift on the girls but did not see the point in disturbing me as I did not slept much the night before.

It was nice to see the scene playing out so naturally before me as I exited the washroom to see Esme hand Alice over to Carlisle and she curled up on him to fall asleep again, Beatrice was stretched out on the bed seat Edward had converted for her.

I settled myself back next to Edward and was just dosing back off to sleep in his arms with his icy breath cooling my head much better than the draft from the air vent above was when we hit turbulence. And I mean turbulence, not the kind when the stewardesses continue to serve hot drinks this was everyone to their seats stuff and I was terrified as were the girls who both screamed wanting me as they jigged about till strong arms were put in place and I watched as Bea as Esme rushed to seat sat her and strapped and Alice was pulled closer to Carlisle to stop flying from their seats as the impacts were absorbed.

Edward was doing the same with me, I was raised a little from my seat and it felt like I floated, which elevated the sick feeling which was welling, it was a shame I heard so many people be ill and could smell well you know.. I had to ask him to help cover my ears before the passengers in First Class also started to vomit because that would be it for me.

We had to half and half it, he held me with one hand and covered my ear with his spare hand and I had my hand over the other as he pulled me into him. We had about an hour of intermittent bouncing, when it stopped I had to walk about with my eyes closed, the children had fallen asleep which was maddening to see. All my body wanted to do was evacuate, I needed the loo so badly but flights always make me constipated and the bouncing made my inability to go worse it did not help that three sets of ears were listening as I vanished for five minutes to the loo at least when your sat in coach class your joining a queue so the time your away is immeasurable.

When Carlisle suggested I drink some fruit juice to help things along. Embarrassed was not the word, I know I do that kind of thing to my kids but as an adult and prospective father in law I felt like I was ten and Renee was trying to be all concerned for my welfare. I know Carlisle was trying to help and he is a doctor and all but I could have died.

Edward bless him said nothing and kissed my head and massaged my kidney's and belly for me when I came back to my seat he had learned the hard way a couple of times when I was fuelled on general tiredness, hormones and was suffering from PMT just how much I hate it that he can hear what most humans tune out or don't hear from behind a door what's worse he can hear when he's located in the house next door as a result of he had taken to going for 'walks' or listening to his music with headphones to make me think he can't hear. He purchased a bottle of Senacot for me as a peace offering but the basically the rule of thumb is 'do not disturb and do not ask me if I'm alright twenty times' I have a book, I have my Ipod I am fine unless he hears me fall off cause I've fallen asleep or am really unwell.

Three hours to go and Carlisle has I think stopped watching me fidget, I can't feel his gaze anymore, I'm just not use to so many people being this interested in my welfare, it has taken me a while to get use to it from Edward, he does all our grocery shopping and without asking or adding any of it to the shopping list my sanitary items are restocked in time for mother nature to call. Christ he knows by cycle better than I do at least he has timed this with a hunt or as we have deemed them conferences or work trips away cause I bleed heavier than I did when I was younger and I find it very uncomfortable to know he is there when I am at my heaviest.

I don't care that he say's he's fine with it and it dose not affect him it makes me anxious which makes the PMT worse. I sit on the loo with the door shut and locked and all my memory plays is the months I had to endure the blood loving guards of the Volturi rattling and banging at the door and walls, they broke so many bathroom door off in the end the wife's of the Volturi decided to not ask for it to be replaced so I had to deal with the indignity of it all as well. My biggest fear was to die on the toilet. The idea of death at the hands of anyone other than Edward was be bad enough but there no thank you.

At last the descent started, my girls were actually well behaved for the whole flight, I think having three extra untiring hands and eyes to occupy them not to mention a trip to the flight deck and helping the stewardess kept them busy although sleep was an issue and I can see that Alice is very tired even with the sleeps she's notched up I have no dough she will fall asleep in the next fifteen minutes or so its always the way five minutes from landing she is normally out for the count, Esme seems to have picked up on this and has put her cardigan and shoes back on, it's going to be cold when we land.

There was a Cullen conference going by the looks of the three of them at the immigration queues, they sailed through their channel and the three of us waited and waited in the endless queue for none citizens. A loo stop was desperately needed before we met Alice and Jasper who I think is whom they were talking to or at least about.

My new phone buzzed, Edward had got me a American cell, he gave it to me as we left the plane and must have switched it on, the text read 'there is a change of plan, we are going to spend a couple of days with the Denali side of the family, A& J will be joining us, E&C are going home, love you, see you in a bit E'

A change of plan, my heart sank and Denali, oh my that's the family that Tanya lives with? my head hurt a little as it processed the information and as we were called forward to the strawberry blond immigration officer it hit me 'Tanya, the vampire who tried to pull Edward' my mouth went dry, it didn't help that I saw myself in the one way wall of glass, how can I compare to her? Especially now, Christ just look at me, frumpy and old... She made me nervous before the wedding and now, Oh my... I knew it was Edward's extended family of sorts but, I felt myself go into a cold sweat as I was handed the passports back and walked through to where Edward and Esme now stood waiting for us.

"what's wrong Love" his soft voice said "is everything alright, you look pale?"

"Fine, Fine" I replied shaking it off, I could not admit I was nervous about the change of plans, how stupid is that? "We need the loo before we get the bags Bea is bursting" I said to cover up my mental meltdown, Esme took Bea and I followed her with Alice to the ladies taking with me the nappy change things leaving our hand luggage and coats with Edward.

While we waited for Bea to have her wee I asked Esme about the change of plans? It had unnerved me more than I thought it would to find plans changed so abruptly I think I must be feeling a little pressured this is the first time back to the states since Emma's cousin's wedding when I also thought I killed Edward, I was already finding myself unwittingly looking for signs of the Volturi in the crowded airport and Edward, except when we had to leave him at immigration has been like glue to my side, and it feels like he's more distracted as if lost in his thoughts which translates as he's scan reading minds for trouble.

Esme put my mind at rest a little, they have had some renovations done in the last month and as she's not been there to oversee, she had to use new contractors and she wants to make sure the house is safe for the children as they like to wander bare foot she dose not want them getting hurt. She touched my face with such gentleness such affection I felt she was telling me the truth. She told me not to worry and everything would be fine.

With the bags collected we said goodbye to Carlisle and Esme and hello to Jasper and Alice as we waited for our connecting flight to Alaska. I watched Jasper mellow the children as they ran screaming in the empty lounge till I sat next to him, to ask if he'd let them let of a little steam first, they can sleep on the flight or when we get there. He must have felt my anxiety as he turned his talents from the girls to me as they started to race each other from the window to the door, before Edward took them aside to show them the different planes that were now taxiing past the window.

I felt calm as if at peace with the world around me, and as a gesture of good will from Jasper he smiled sheepishly knowing he'd done what I hate him doing and handed me a kit kat bar and an earl grey tea from the refreshments table telling me to relax.

As we sat and I found myself explaining my issues with the Denali and that the kids will run riot and that I don't know them and that this is a bad idea, all three of them came to my side. Alice patted my knee putting her arm around me, Edward leaned over the seats behind me kissing my head. "You have nothing to worry about, they are pleased you've been found and are really looking forward to seeing you and the children, they are our family, and yours too" he whispered into my head.

"Besides we can't go home just yet, Esme won't let the girls in the house till she's made sure it's safe for them, she does not trust contractors" he added and Alice huffed

"Jasper and I cleaned every inch of the place and Rosalie went round after we did it, they will be perfectly safe" she added folding her arms across her chest in a huff only opening them as the girls dive bombed her.

Our flight was called and it was another couple of hours before we landed in Alaska and the boys drove the hire cars to the Denali residence. It was cold, very cold in fact, I could see why Alice asked me to pack our Ski suites and thermals. The girls were in snow heaven as soon as we got to the Denali house they wanted to play, we managed to hold them off till we had been greeted by everyone, it was just Carmen, Eleazar and Kate who greeted us, Tanya has off somewhere and as she did not know of the new plans, where ever she was Edward had a rye smile on his face.

We eat lunch and then went outside to have fun in the snow for an hour before we started bedtime. We improvised with refuse sacks for sledges and I stood back and watched as everyone took it in turns to slide the girls down the pile of snow Eleazar had ploughed from the drive so we could park, there was so much screaming from the girls it rang in the air beautifully we stayed out and played much longer than planned but seeing as our hosts don't tire it was not a problem.

At last it was supper time for the girls and bedtime followed, we'd told them that mummy and Edward would eat with the adults later, this got us out of the meal time issue and fitted with how we were at home. They ate all their fish fingers and potato wedges to both Edward and my amazement although I did see him nod at Jasper just fractionally. Alice took Beatrice and I took little Alice up to the rooms which were set aside for us. As soon as the girls there in bed there was a knock at the door and Jasper came in with their favourite book.

I did not wait for the story to start before I kissed the girls goodnight, uncle Jaspers stories always had them sound out by the time they came to the end, amazing talent he has. I joined Edward and everyone downstairs, there was a repeated apology for Tanya's absence as Carmen presented me with an amazing meal which she set on the large dining table which was similar in size to Esme's antique one I used to eat at some times when I was at the Cullen house in Forks.

"please eat, don't worry about us, we thought it would be good to catch up, human style" Eleazar said watching me as he sat with the others around the table if he were looking for something.

"it's alright love" Edward said pouring a glass of red wine from the bottle of Chianti which Kate had placed in front of me before he took a glass of red something from the six other glasses on a tray at the furthest end. I looked at him with a questioning look as I picked up my glass to copy the onset of a toast.

"We have something to celebrate" Carmen said in answer to my unspoken question, "I hope you don't mind my dear.. The contents, that is, its tradition" Eleazar cleared his throat and handed out glasses to his wife and Kate as Edward appeared at the chair next to me, I could smell the contents of his glass and realised what it was immediately.

"A toast" Eleazar projected to the gathering of people around the table "before Bella's meal gets cold I'd like to toast to the wellbeing of Bella and her children"

There was a chorus of "Bella and her children" I flushed red, with embarrassment, I hated being the centre of attention like this, I took a sip of my wine, it was a good wine and well needed.

"I would also like to toast her safe return to the Cullen's, to Edward especially, it's nice to see you looking well again my boy" he added

The chorus of voices replied "here here" and Edward looked as if he blushed if you can say a vampire can blush that is, there was something about his reaction that hinted that there is something about the time we were apart that he has not mentioned yet.

"and finally if I may, and I know my wife has warned me from this but I am, well WE are so pleased to see Bella and Edward together here's to the future" he said and raised his glass again.

The voices raised with "To the future" and Edward's hand was on my knee under the table, I tucked into my beef wellington and seasonal vegetables which I have to say was the best I've tasted from someone to does not cook as a rule or eat for that matter. Talk at the table was much of a muchness to be honest, three conversations going on at once some too fast for me to follow, till Kate who was watching me like a hawk as my head looked from one conversation to the other reminded them all I was 'only human' which got a laugh.

Edward whispered snippets to help me keep up, I think some were intermingled with his mind reading especially when he said "_Eleazar is interested in you, he's trying to work you out, he knows about your shield but not how it works, he's struggling to get in or around it, we will not say a word_", "_there is talk of a few locals being interested in them in the wrong way, they have not had any trouble yet but are looking to move just in case, they have lived here longer than anywhere else so it's time to move on" _ he whispered.

I'd finished my meal and sat with Edward on the couch, Alice, Jasper and Kate went out, I'm not sure if it was for a hunt or to find some night life and Tanya. A fire was lit and the others gathered round to talk, I curled up in Edwards arms as Eleazar and Carmen did the same on the other couch, and we watched the fire crackle.

I knew there were two conversations happening, the one I was being involved in as it was slower and audable as the questions were more like clarifications or to carefully phrased to be out right banter. The three vampires were discussing me and the subject seemed to pivot around my disappearance, Edward seemed to be in control and I heard the odd line and word. Such as my name and where we lived and my guards name the kind of stuff I'd rather someone else recant as I found it a little painful?

When Eleazar said "hang this man, she can answer for herself, if it's too much I'm sure Bella will say"

"What's going on?" I asked bringing myself back from my fire side gaze, I was nodding off nicely as the conversation was not warranting my input.

"Yes sorry my dear, how rude of us" Carmen said in her husband's defence

"This is not a good idea, she is tired and should sleep" Edward replied for me.

"Edward, stop" I said looking up at him trying to read his stone expressionless face as he tried to hide his emotions from me, " Carmen, Eleazar" I said exasperated "would someone like to talk to me directly now please?"

Eleazar piped up "you have a gift my dear, I felt it as soon as you walked in, it is... How to put this.. quite strong for a human. Edward was explaining..." Edward cut him off

"He wants to know if you can control it?" Edward said bitterly staring at Eleazar in a way I knew he was focusing on his mind, as his cheeks flexed so fast it looked like he was chewing gum indicating a conversation was happening that I was not party to.

"Edward, speak so I can hear please" I begged tiredly "I'm not a child, if he knows about my shield, they can ask me questions just like Carlisle did, please Edward let me choose if I answer them or not" I looked at him pleading for him not to treat me like this.

Eleazar smiled "Carlisle told us Edward cannot read your thoughts, I wanted to talk to you at the wedding bu..." I felt Edward flinch and Carmen say "not now Eleazar" and her head shake, my heart rate went up as soon as he said 'at the wedding' I hated thinking that far back, it was far too painful to deal with at the time so I buried it and it hurts to drag it back, I'm sure I heard or at least felt a rumbling from inside Edwards chest, the kind growling you hear from defensive animals?

Eleazar sat forward and looked straight at me saying calmly "Yes.. Quiet right.. My apologies it was a difficuot time for both of you, forgive my insensitivity" he cleared his throat "Would you tell me how you found out you had a shield"

I stuttered for the first time that night "Aro, could not read my thoughts, we thought it was just Edward"

"Ah interesting" Eleazar replied "sorry my dear that was difficult for you I can see that"

"I'm sorry I'm really tired and my memory is not as good at remembering as yours" I was tired and between the wine and fire I'd had it.

"its alright love" Edward said comfortingly letting me go so I could move to go upstairs "I'll go with you" Edward volunteered I could not have that he'd been with me since New Year's, stuck in the human world he should be with his kind as much as possible.

"no I'll be fine, stay and talk " I said as I walked up the stairs with him following me.

"Good night" we both chorused as if married already


	18. February Half Term Pt 2

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters of Twilight.

Chap 16

February Half Term Pt 2

Bella POV

When we got to our room, Edward made sure I had everything I needed and I sent him back down to the others before I went to wash, to be frank I needed my space for a little while it had been a bit of a full on day and I was mentally and physically tired. I washed got ready for bed, checked the children who were still sound asleep thanks to Jasper and climbed into bed or at least I tried to, it was very high and I was so exhausted made worse by the alcohol, I made a semi drunken run up, and clung on, struggling to get my legs in I was so glad Edward or anyone else for that matter saw me as I slid to the floor giggling till I was a useless heap, it kind of reminded me of watching Alice try to get into my bed at home when she had mastered walking it was as if the bed were a mountain.

I lay there giggling at the stupidity of it all wondering if there was space for me to launch myself at the dam thing when I felt cold hands scoop me up into strong arms, "what's this then?" Edward whispered playfully in my ear running his nose up and down my jaw bone, knowing full "it sounds like your having far too much fun to be alone"

"sSBeds too high. Seeing as your here and got me here... sSTake me to bed Mr Cullen" I said in a seductive way flashing my eyes and playing with his shirt collar button and neck in a way I know drives him mad, it may have worked if I was not half soaked and wacked from the flight and time difference so my words slurred a little. I was not quite expecting him to react as he did swallowing hard and his eyes black in stark contrast to the golden colour he had half an hour earlier, as he tried to gain control of himself so I added quickly "then you can go back down stairs" to help him cover his equivalent of a blush.

He put me down and tucked me in and climbed on next to me, wrapping his arm around me so I could not touch him "compromise, I'll stay till you're asleep alright and join you again before sunrise, Alice texted me Carmen, Kate and Tanya want to see the girls asleep is that alright with you"

"Fine, as long as they don't wake them from Jaspers dreams, and you don't stay up here any longer than you need to, you should be with your family, hay talking of which weren't there four females in this family or is my old memory screwing up?"

He started to hum my lullaby as I spoke; he stopped and said into my head pulling me close "Irina will not be at the house while we are here" he said as quietly as he could "do not worry about it" he added as I tried to turn and question him as he continued humming the lullaby from where he got o as I gave up and settled in the soft warm bedding, it was not long before I was asleep.

I woke to the smell of cooking breakfast, just as I did at home on a weekend, the girls were already up and chatting away by the sounds of things, I figured as Edward was not next to be that he was cooking and was probably with the girls which is what he did when they woke early. I opened my eyes, stretched and rolled over to see the clock. "Opps" I said, it was lunch time, I'd slept the morning away, how embarrassing as a guest in a house I do not know.

Before I'd pulled back the covers to get up Alice was in the room with a tray containing a cup of tea on a saucer, and a plate with a full English laid out on it. There was as small vase with a single flower standing beautifully I felt like I was in some expensive hotel "Morning Sleepy head.." Alice chirped "Edward cooked and says he will be back soon, I'm bring it up to get him off with Eleazar and get the Barbie's the girls want to show Kate and Tanya. You look like you had as bad a night as it sounded, is everything alright?" she questioned as she pulled legs on the tray down and set it across my lap as I continued to sit up wondering what she was on about but before I could ask she handed me a note with Edwards elegant handwriting on and left the room with the dolls.

Lord knows what they were playing down stairs but I could hear Jasper and Carmen's hysterical laughter echoing up the stairs before Alice closed the door leaving me in peace to eat and read the note.

Morning My Love,

I'm sorry you did not sleep well; I hope you feel rested now you've had a few extra hours. I will be back shortly if you want to talk.

_Eleazar's head_ is full of questions about what happened to you. I know it is not a conversation you want the girls to hear so I've taken him for a walk; I will not tell him anything without first gaining your consent. I will shield you from having to talk directly to him if you wish to proceed. The others want to go for a hunt and Jasper will watch the children play while Alice is with you. We will be walking far enough from the house that we cannot hear you, but stay where I can read Alice's mind.

If you do not wish to talk that is fine, my love. I do not want to burden you after poor sleep. It will be easy to steer him from this chain of thought I have much to ask him about his theories on your shield he has been mulling these since he met you and our brief discussion last night , I promise you none of us have talked about what happened at New Year's, but I want to know more of his thoughts. He is under the impression you're blocking him somehow, he can't figure you out. If only he knew my love, if only he knew. I will find out more than I reveal I promise.

I will be back with you for my morning kiss.

Love as always

E

A dilemma began to wind its way around my head as I sipped the tea, and started to cut into the golden brown perfectly cooked sausage, dunking it in the heart shaped ketchup splodge he'd left me, as I wondered what to do, it would save me the embarrassment of breaking down in front of them if I had a remote conversation but I did not want to impose on Edward or use my family this way.

I would much rather hear about Eleazar's theories about my shield, more to the point if no one has told him how does he know about it? And what does he mean I'm blocking him? I haven't tried to, let alone given it any thought. I mean I know now I can cover myself, the girls and anyone I touch but he does not know this from what Edward has written?

By the time chewed the last mouthful and placed the cutlery down on the plate Alice was back, "you don't want to" she said I nodded. Then in a change of mood she sang in her overly jolly way "That's fine; Edward thought as much but wanted to give you the choice. Eleazar's a little put out he would not let him speak to you directly"

"Alice? Before you go" I whispered hoarsely "how bad a night did I have exactly?" I really didn't know that I had a 'bad night' to be honest; Edward only ever offers his ear like that if I'm loud, fidgety and get up a lot in my sleep, mainly as he can't read my mine and it frustrates him like nobody's business, I think it worries him that I get up when I'm still asleep, he can hide many emotions from me but when he's concerned for me he never managed to mask it quite as well.

"Oh!" she looked down at the carpet, it was not good then going by her demeanour, "you swore a lot and I think you should talk to Edward, he was concerned for you, I'm really sorry Bella he asked Jasper to settle you, we had to before you woke the children or hurt yourself more"

I saw Jasper at the door with a fresh mug of tea in his hand "Sorry Ma am" he said awkwardly as he handed the mug to Alice and kissed her tenderly without entering the room. Jasper knows I do not like him interfering with my moods, we had come to a compromise in the last month a kind of bargain, if I'm about to loose control, overreact or something is about to happen that I needed to stay calm for which has happened at least once since New Year's he brings me a mug of tea as a warning, sometimes he brings me chocolate as well as. He gives me the time it takes to finish the tea to get a control of myself before he assists. "Don't feel ill at ease Ma am" he said as Alice patted his shoulder and closed the door on him.

I showed, dressed and went down stairs to see Carmen now back from the hunt, if she went , she was dressing one of the dolls and Jasper was sat with my Alice on his knee helping her with thigh length boots, Big Alice had all the clothes arranged in colour order. It was a pretty normal sight to see but to see it knowing the adults were Vampires was a tad surreal as Alice and Tanya were discussing which shoes would go with which outfit.

I walked past Jasper and said "Sorry, you had to...?"

"That's OK Ma am, as long as your alright" he said in his southern soft tone. Smiling at me apologetically as I headed to the kitchen.

"Emma, we fed the children" Alice called to me as I passed them.

"You have nothing to be sorry about my dear" Carmen interjected "it's understandable, you did not offend us" I glanced at Alice shocked at the words 'not offend us' what did I say?, as she continued "Edward explained you did this sometimes" her eyes flashed from me to Jasper to the children and back to me and she smiled as if she wanted to portray something.

I saw her near invisible words to me and Alice danced round to me and whispered a translation at a volume not heard by the girls, "we told them about the attacked by humans a couple of years ago, mainly as the children did not like Eleazar being so close to them, It was better that way" so my disturbed night was not about that then?

So what did I do? What was it this time my head was racing and I felt very embarrassed, and as if I'd walked down stairs naked. I heard Tanya's not so quiet comment "What's he see in her" her emphasis on 'Her' was very noticeable making me feel sick and a burden as I still did not know what happened last night "I mean" her eyes racked up and down me visually showing her resentment for me I saw at myself in a mirror as I passed it and although I felt comfortable and smart in my new trousers and top Alice had brought for me I felt ugly in comparison to the people I was sharing this living space with.

Carmen piped up "Tanya, this is not the time or place, apologise please" inclining her head towards the children.

Tanya replied "after last night it should be she who should apologises, I mean he even makes excuses for her, pathetic" and she got up and vanished ghosting off somewhere. Lucky Alice had the girls looking down as she went so they did not see.

"I'm sorry about that Emma" Kate said, "she is a little.. Jealous I think is the correct word"

"Jealous of?" I asked

Alice shrilled "She likes Edward but he has no interest in her"

Jasper coughed, and handed my Alice to his as he said "would you like to take tea? on the porch perhaps? There is a lovely view" Bizarrely Jasper seemed alright with the children's scent, mine I guessed by the way he always stood just outside any family group when I was there, was still calling to his predatorily side in the wrong kind of way, but there were times such as now when he overcame it, my head was reeling from all the questions, emotions, Tanya's outburst and I guess 'taking tea on the porch' was his way of saying can you stop with all the mixed emotions.

Under my breath I asked if there was a choice, he shook his head and said "would you prefer to be inside?" well if that's my option I'd take the deck and a little head space away from all these beautiful people, Tanya's look made me feel like the back end of a bus.

Once outside the cold air freshened me blowing the cobwebs away a little, it was warm and a little stuffy in the house I'm not sure the heating has been run at that temperature for a while and any windows that I opened were closed quickly, it was I know for our sake but I really did not enjoy being at a tropical temperature, but it was just two nights, we were guests and they were trying to accommodate three humans.

Jasper brought me the tea, smiling at me and nodding as if to approve of my refreshed emotional state, I took the opportunity to ask him what I did.

"Ma am, you did nothing, stop worrying please, Tanya is... Tanya what she said was..."

I cut him off after my first sip "Jasper, none of you can lie all that well when its about me so please...?"

He offered me a seat and went and took my place by the rail, "you had a nightmare, we think about the Volturi, you were swearing, cussing the Volturi household and from what I saw when Edward called for me, you were physical with it too, not moving your hands or feet as if they were bound as you rolled around quite violently you fell from the bed, your neck stayed stretched up with your head locked in position, it was exactly how Alice reacted many years ago after you left, she moved the same way, screaming the same things for a few days, it can only be a memory of your time..." he swallowed not finishing his sentence and I saw the pain in his eyes for his mate's predicament.

I bowed my head, "explains why Eleazar wants to know about my time with the Volturi. Did I say anything that really upset anyone? Other than Tanya. Don't lie to me Jasper"

"If what you dreamt was the same, and I strongly believe it was, then No Ma am... Would you like more tea? That one looks cold" he added politely

"I don't remember what I dreamt last night. It's just a blur. If I was on the floor, who put me back in bed?"

"Edward! Alice did warn him not to, are you alright this morning, you hit him and the floor hard"

"I hit Edward?" I did not have any memory of that "yes Ma am" he said with a smile on his face it helped me a little to break my tension and we giggled at the irony, he nodded to Carmen as she came out with another mug of tea for me and a blanket.

"My dear, I'm Sorry about Tanya's behaviour, but last night our kind can be... very inhospitable to humans, we do not know what you experienced at the hands of the Volturi, you were allowed to leave which is a miracle in itself, Eleazar has never know a human leave, he used to work for them" I flinched and Jasper was suddenly next to me touching my elbow just slightly and had taken the mug from me as I felt a wash of ice cold terror and my heckles go up a fraction of a second later.

"Oh!" I heard Carmen say "what just? , where did... Ah! Alice" she said at human speed with the tone of shock and concern in it, then I noticed her jaw moving, she was holding conversation with someone at Vamp speed as I realised.. Ah! My shield.

Alice did not appear, I guess I placed the shield around the girls too, if Alice saw what I was about to do she'd know touching little Alice or Beatrice would keep her connected. As I watched as Carmen opened the door and look inside and a puzzled expression crossed her face I asked Jasper what she said he replied "she was talking to Eleazar he wanted to know what was wrong, they are not far from the house and are on their way back"

"Where did they go?" Carmen questioned out loud, "Alice?" she called before turning to the deck where we sat and call softly "Jasper? Be Emma?" shaking her head as she corrected herself on my name Edward and Eleazar appeared at the deck steps as if from nowhere.

Edwards voice was calm and it soothed my fractious verves as Jasper nodded to me smiling reassurance back at me, easing his discomfort as he was so obviously trying not to control me "It's alright Carmen, they are all safe, including the children. Yes Eleazar she is very afraid of what the Volturi will do if they find her here" he said answering questions we did not hear them speak.

This was the first time I'd seen Edward mind reading to any great extent, or at least this obvious about it I just looked at Jasper who calmly said "welcome to my world, wait till he and Alice are both at it, frustrating isn't it at least he has to ask you" he said with an easy smile and a raise of his eyebrows.

"If Alice cannot be seen then she is most likely to be with the children and will stay with them, it is fine, stop panicking please, where were they when?" I heard him say and then he added looking at Eleazar "no I can't hear their thoughts. I'd stake my life on it... Yes I know they're safe" he said in frustration at questions only he was hearing.

I watched as she pointed to where Jasper and I were last sat "Sorry Jasper, I didn't mean to put my shield up, is that what I did last night?"

"No Ma am" he said stiffly through his teeth.

"Would you like to calm yourself a little again or would you like some assistance? Your emotions are all over the place, last night was understandable, being in a house of strangers was bound to trigger it with our scent being so strong, as for right now, Elearar is alright Ma am he will not go to the Volturi with news of you" he said smiling awkwardly, this was the closest he'd been to me for any length of time since I was in the car with him and Alice as they drove me to Phoenix all those years ago.

"I think I need to deal with this my way, do you mind?" I asked him apologetically "Do you want to swap with Edward?"

"Ma am" he said as he handed the mug back to me and got up, I watched Edward move to where Jasper must have appeared from and I leant forward and touched him and he instantly turned and smiled his heart warming crooked smile at me, it was forced a little I think but as soon as he had my hand I saw his features relax as he sat next to me pulling the blanket further round me.

"Are you alright? I know what Carmen told you about Eleazar but he is not going to harm you or report us to the Volturi you are safe, Love, I promise you that" he said as he sat next to me putting his arm round my shoulders to secure the blanket and kissing my head.

I heard giggling from inside, as the three doll crazed females laughed away at whatever game it was they playing now. Edward took my hand and led me away from Eleazar who had followed Edward to where Jasper appeared from and was stood unknowingly next to me.

"Can you turn this off?" Edward asked as he looked longingly and lovingly into my eyes.

"I don't know" I replied honestly "I fell asleep the last time, remember"

Edward's forehead was on mine as he whispered, "yes, if you could lift it from the girls that would help Alice" lifting my head a little to his so our noses touched, the smell of his breath was making me wobble a little, he was deliberately breathing on me, saturating my senses so all I could smell when I breathed was my adorable, safe and strong Edward. He brushed his lips across mine as he spoke.

"It's safe Bella, relax..." he breathed, rubbing my ears gently with his fingers "Eleazar is a good friend, he is not part of the Volturi any more, you can trust him" he kissed me gently a couple of times.

"Edward.. What did I do to you last night?" I asked

"Don't worry about it love"

"Edward, what happened, tell me please, what did I do? Why did you need to get Jasper in and.." I said between his kisses fighting the draw of them.

"It was my fault, I'm sorry I left you alone for Alice to bring Carmen, Kate and Tanya up show them the children sleeping she did not see what you would do, you were already dreaming and must have dipped in and out with your shield a few times when she looked to see. From what she said saw you in bed before they went in, she feels bad for triggering your nightmare. Jasper warned me of what your reaction to three strangers entering your room was as soon as he felt you change when they took a step inside, then we heard you scream" I gasped but he kissed me softly "it's alright, I'm sorry" he continued.

"Alice went to you sending the others away, she remembered her physical vision of being bound, you knocked your head when you fell from the bed, then you fought us, we could not get close to lift you without hurting you more, I asked Jasper to help, I'm sorry love I know how you feel about it but it was the only way to get you back in bed and to get you out of your nightmare" he rubbed his nose against mine as his eyes begged me to forgive him his actions.

"but what did I do to you?" I asked again

"I stayed with you on the bed, a stupid thing to do knowing what I do, but I have not seen you like this before and I had to try"

"What did I do?"

"You we're very defensive of your personal space" he replied diplomatically and avoiding an answer

"Edward?"

"you went to attack me, if you had you know what would have happened if you had struck me and I did not want you hurting or to take you home broken" he smiled awkwardly "I tried to wrap you in the covers and hold you tight so you could not move, it works when you dream of the men that attack you, my voice and touch seems to make you stop but this time it did not work and you got more aggressive and were in danger of..." he cut off kissing me apologetically. "Bella, I'm sorry I asked Jasper to send you to sleep, it was the only way to keep you safe, did you look at your body when you dressed?"

I nodded, it was covered in scratches, deep ones, I self harmed when I was captive as means to aggravate and die when I could not take any more. With Jasper in the house it was a foolish move, it would have hurt Edward to watch me do it too, I had faint bruises and my wrists and chest ached as if I'd been held too tight.

"I tried to stop you but could not handle watching you pull at your skin and scratch it as you did, I'm sorry Bella, I failed you in so many ways, I had to keep you safe this time" his face and hands were pressed so tight to my face my only air supply was coming from him.

"Bella" he whispered in that soporific way he had when he's fighting urges and to stay in control.

"Would you try to remove the shield from the children Alice has wandered off and they cannot find her?, Alice is with Bea and I can hear her thoughts"

I thought about it for a while, breathing in pure essence of Edward, safe in the knowledge that I at least was hidden after another long silence which can I can only measure by length of my lullaby as Edward was humming so quietly as he rocked us gently and soothingly from side to side.

He had just started it for the second time when I heard Big Alice's voice chime out with laughter and I became aware of the four vampires that were on the deck with us rush inside. Being rocked as I was, was so nice, it was something else I used to dream about when I was low, the unique way my Edward had of soothing me, making the world stop for me.

"good girl" he softly whispered "thank you" he added kissing my cheek "just us now love" Edward said kissing me again "by the way" he said into my ear making me tingle "I happen to like being in your bubble.. it's warm, it makes my heart move, feel it" he placed my hand on his heart, his breathing hitched as he pulled it in closer than just gently resting it on the surface "Bella My Love, I let you down so much when I could not find you, please please forgive me" his words were dripping with remorse.

"Edward, stop, you could not have done anything except get killed, it's what they wanted, Edward please don't screw yourself up like this" I begged at him watching his face contort as his inner torture spiralled away "please Edward just hold me, I'm the one who should be sorry, look at the hurt and pain I caused last night and this just now"

"No Bella, don't take this on. The scent of strange Vampires was bound to set your nightmares off again, I should have listened to Esme, she tried to tell warn me, show me what happened when you first stayed with them"

"Quits Edward, Nothing I do is right for you, I've hurt you, I've offended your family after last night too" I said.

I leaned up to kiss him hearing Alice's voice above the others in a way I was meant to hear, "they will be like that for at least an hour, I'll take Alice to bed for her nap, Jasper would you help Beatrice into her snowsuit she can play outside so she does not wake Alice" our kiss was prolonged as we lost ourselves in each other till I shivered violently.

"Your cold" he said pulling away panting for breath "wait here, I'll get your coat" he got up and vanished for a just a minute, before I saw him again standing just a little off from where I was holding my ski jacket and pants. He was looking blankly in my direction and I knew he could not see me or hear me so I tried something, if it was the only way I could sneek up on him for a change I would at least try it.

I walked around him till I was right behind him as he walked forward saying my name quietly so not to arouse suspicion from Beatrice who waiting at the door for Jasper to take her sledging at the snow mounds on the drive as she fiddled with the latch from the inside.

I stepped forward looking at his back, god I love that back, the way his body moved under his thin sweater stretched over his muscles I wanted so much to wrap myself round him feeling him close to me, I pushed myself right up against his back, thinking all the time not to connect I put my arms around his middle and thought of how much I wanted to hold him like this. It made me smile to see and feel him jump for a change as I made the connection with him, and he spun round superfast to face me leaving my Ski things in a heap on the deck, "you..." he said with frustrated anger in his voice. I could not help but smile at him "I could have hurt you, Christ Bella you made me jump"

"Now you know how I feel when you do it to me, we're even" I replied laughing.

"Come on.. do you want to walk a little, here put these on" he said as he bent to pick up my clothes, I put them on over my clothes and put my walking boots on which Jasper must have left for me by the chair "I can feel the tension in you, a walk may do you good" he said as he took my hand and kissed it before leading me off the deck in a very gentlemanly way into the woods.

"Edward.. we need to stop beating ourselves up over not being where we wanted to be for all these years, there really is nothing either of us could have done and I know deep down you know this as much as I do... Can we find a way of stopping it please, cause I hate seeing you beat yourself up over something that we can't control, change or rectify?"

"I will try, I just feel I let you down so much, I want to know what happened to you, but you bottle everything up, its not good for you, I want to know no matter how much you think it will hurt me, It may help me understand your nightmares and nocturnal anger will you try?"

"I can't Edward, I don't know how to talk about it, it was so long ago, I've not spoken of it for as many years as I've been taken, and I know you, you're too protective, if you go looking for revenge I will loose you forever, I can't live with that"

"last night for instance" he started hesitantly "I'd seen Alice's mind, how she felt when she was living what we now know to be your first few weeks there, I felt hers or at least your terror, I saw what you saw through her, I felt the heavy shackles that bound you. last night when I saw you on the floor, I was watching it all again only this time I could help, I could save you but you fought me, when you had nightmares about being attached by the humans the first few times I tried to hold you, you fought me as you called out my name for help, but every time after that when I held you, you stopped the fight, you found what you were looking for. I wondered? I hoped? If I could do the same with the Volturi ones? It was worth a try, anything to stop you hurting yourself like that, I need to try Bella, I can't watch and wait for it to finish and then patch you up afterwards" he took a breath before continuing as he thumbed the back of my hand.

"Last night I am not ashamed to admit it scared me. I was paralysed with fear for you, Rage build in me at what they did, Jasper felt what I felt and calmed you not because I asked at first but because I needed you safe it was hacking away at my insides to watch you and be helpless again"

Edward stopped walking, faced me and softly placed his free hand to the side of my face stroking my cheek. "Bella, I have known I cannot live without you since I left that one time. When they took you, finding you was all that mattered, the search kept me going for years. When there was nothing in Alice's mind and the hints from the Volturi stopped I was heartbroken but I knew in here" he hit his chest hard with his fist where his heart was which made me flinch at the sound it made. "in here that you were still alive, I started to pray, to do anything I could to find out information on you, we knew they wanted us to come and get you, it was the opportunity they were looking for having failed when Victoria attacked us, you were right it was the Volturi all along"

"After a year there was nothing not a hint from any mind at the castle" I gasped to hear he went there knowing the danger "yes love I went to Voltarri to find you, I read every mind I could find and there was no recent discussion of you, I heard them talk of your new name but did not make the connection, after a while I took comfort that there was nothing, no visits form the Volturi, or messages sent, you had to be alive they would not have tried to invoke us without cause, but they would try to bury their actions from others having broken their rule about humans, having failed to achieve their goal they would remove the evidence, but killing you would not leave them any options for future reprisals" he said confirming thoughts I'd had.

"Bella, I need to know your alright, so much happened to you, I can take it, I will try not to show you how it affects me" he said with conviction I put my hand up to his face to stop him speaking.

"Never" I shouted "not show me how you feel or how things affect you; you need to promise me this. I worry enough about how my life affects you already at how being away from your family cooped up at home, away from a constant and easy to get at food sauce affects you, Christ Edward I get cabin fever just being stuck in that house after half a day, how it affects you is important to me" he shook his head.

"What" I asked "it's important to me just as knowing I'm OK is important to you, what's the difference?" I saw him take a breath and carried on "Oh!... don't use the line about being immortal it's old and I'm tired of it, I'm human yes.. more fragile and vulnerable compared to you but I love you and I care as much for you as you do me" he shut his mouth.

"Alright, I will try but it is not easy for me, Bella. I do not want to cause you more pain" he said pleadingly

"Edward, you are hurting me by hiding this, please understand. What we are has no bearing on what we feel for each other, why can't you see that?" I uttered Ahh if I could hit him and not hurt myself a slap would help right now.

After an awkward silence in which he stood stock still not letting go of me he said "Bella would you do something for me" taking my hands in his and bringing them up between us as he faced me.

"Are you going to ask me to mar" he shook his head before I could finish the word marry, much to my relief.

"Tell me... What you can, when... you can, please" I nodded, his hypnotic stare made me forget to breathe till he closed his eyes breaking the bond. I saw his expression chance to one of thought and then he said "I want to show you something, but I need you to leave the children with Esme and Rosalie, can you do that?" I stared at him, my eyes wide and unsure he knows leaving my children is big ask.

"what do you want to show me" he shook his head, I knew by the speed and the way he did it that I was not going to get an answer his expression made me think he had not completely made up his mind, it reminded me of our first date to the meadow.

It was as if he spoke without thinking, which for Edward is very unusual but he was thinking I could almost hear the thoughts bounce around and the way he said "Bella" slowly as if trying to explain "when we get to the house, I want to take you somewhere... but I want you to have time without pressures or worrying about your children, I can't or at least I won't take you, unless you are happy to leave them for a few days, this is all I'm asking" he said calmly and painfully, he knows just how much I don't like being away from them, I guess his question warranted the pained expression he wore as he tried to ask.

"think about it please" he whispered in my ear as he picked me up and carried me back to the white colonial looking house and took me straight up to our room, I saw as we approached that the window to our room was open, Alice must have opened it when she got little Alice up from her nap. She did this after she changed a dirty nappy, but today for whatever reason it saved us walking through the house knowing there would be questions as soon as the door opened when none of them saw us.

Edward tucked the bed blanket round me to keep me warm in the now cold room and pulled himself tight up behind me after he closed the window and we moulded ourselves together interlocking our legs at the ankles spooning. His breath was sweet and cold and he started to hum his lullaby to me to help me fall asleep I did need some help relaxing just a little more, thoughts of my time with the Volturi buzzed in my head and knowing that Eleazer once worked for them left an uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach.

"Edward" I whispered, holding him closer to me

"yes love"

"Eleazer, when did he leave the Volturi?"

There was a silence but by the way he breathed he was working it out "for as long as I've know him, Carlisle knew him before he created me"

"Before I was taken then?"

"yes, Love way before" he chuckled "what's this about?"

"Nothing" I said flippantly

"Bella, I know you too well"

"It's a little stupid but it scares me, to know I'm near someone from there" I said shakily

"that's not stupid love, it's natural to feel like that, if I did not know him as well as I do I too would be weary of bringing you here" he said in a way I knew he was telling me the truth.

Another long silence and I felt my back and leg muscles relax against Edwards body, "Love" he said tenderly "you know he will be asking us questions about your shield now he has seen what you can do. Are you going to be alright with that?"

I only had the will to nod my head as he closed his arms protectively around me "then sleep love, I am here, I will always be here" he said I think he said something else afterwards but I was gone. I've no idea what time it was when he woke me with a kiss, Alice was curled up next to us and had Edwards finger in her hand, I looked at my sleeping princess and smiled she was so comfortable with his body temperature.

"Alice brought her up she was calling for you" he whispered as I looked at him, "your shield dropped not long after you fell asleep, you're lying on my arm and I did not want to wake you by moving it" changing the subject he added "I like it when she hold me like that, her little hands are so warm, just like her mom" he kissed me and extracted his finger, running his now free hand down my face before he pulled himself free from me helping me up.

The day was at a close and Carmen cooked another amazing meal, tomorrow we would be gone Esme had called earlier to say the house was up to standard but it was too late to set off on the drive with the children and Carmen was keen for us to stay.

As Carmen, Kate and Alice put the girls to bed or in little Alice's case just moved her from our bed to hers. I curled up with Edward on the couch after I'd eaten. Everyone who was not helping Alice was sat around with us I looked at Tanya as she sat sullen, dam she was gorgeous how did he resist her, I'd known work colleagues who'd have willingly die for a chance to be with someone that hot. Her comments still cut me but Edward was with me what could I do, I tried to understand why he would choose me in my current state over a beauty like her and gave up, he was over one hundred years old he can make his own mind up and as much as it did not make sense to Tanya or myself he choose me.

Eleazer was looking uncomfortable as if he had ants in his pants or something. Edward spoke first bringing me back from my fire gazing trance. "Eleazer, if you have something to say please ask" and then to me but I know everyone else heard so why he whispered I have no idea "he wants to ask you about what happened, he's sorry you did not know about his former employers"

I smiled at Eleazer uneasily. "My dear are you alright?"

"yes, thank you, I'm sorry I did that, it was a bit of a shock" I said as I saw Jasper squirm a little as he stood by the wall furthest away from me waiting for Alice, his eyes scanned the room and settled on Tanya as he rolled his eyes and then looked back at Edward and me "I'm Sorry" I said in his direction he just tipped his head making me feel a little better knowing he was not mad at me for my emotional explosion, he knew full I was still uncomfortable.

"Your, abilities are quite extraordinary for a human" Eleazer said "I was wondering if.. erm.. Could I ask you some questions about it?" he said awkwardly. I shrugged and felt Edward nod but by the feeling of his expelled breath on the side of my face as he was speaking at vamp speed, it felt as if a mouse was blowing in my ear.

"Hello, I am here" I said to him and Eleazer slowly emphasising the words making Jasper chuckle.

Edwards body tense at being rumbled and Eleazer replied to my quip "there is more to you than I expected, no human has detected our conversations to my knowledge. I liked Tanya's facial expression it was like Emmett's when I tell Edward off at home when he's doing Vamp stuff behind my back. Edward never says anything when he's been rumbled and I know instantly I've got him, when I'm wrong he explains what he was doing he is such a gullible fool when it comes to not offending me.

"Sorry Love, he wants to know a lot more than you will want to say" he replied.

"And you know that because? You read my mind or?" I said to him a little angrier than I really intended but I was tired of him protecting me.

"Love I know what he's thinking and I can see that.." he said

"Edward, don't you think I can make my own mind up, am I incapable of making an informed choice?, You said yourself you want to know more and you just spent an hour trying to convince me he was safe" I looked at Eleazer "sorry, I don't mean to be rude or anything it's a Volturi thing"

"Quite understandable after what the pair of you have already been through and you especially my dear, we did not expect it to have that effect on you, it is an impressive defensive gift you have, can I ask you about it?" he said with a flourish

"what do you want to know, cause I really don't know much about it. it's the second time I've used it" I said honestly.

"hum Second time? Really... Have you always been able to block Edwards thoughts?" he thought out loud to which I nodded

"Aro could not read me either" I chipped in.

"How do you control it? Can you switch it on at will or is it involuntary?" he said

I sat quietly thinking about this one staring back into the fire, to tell him would be revealing something on how it works and I'm not one hundred percent sure I trust him but at the same time I really did not know it all happens so fast and this afternoon was the second time I used it, I did get it to switch off from my girls but still need to fall asleep or be near sleep to turn it off completely from me?

I became aware of eyes watching me and I heard Edward utter "yes, it's frustrating" I blinked and looked up.

I went with my first conviction not to answer "next question" I said coldly as I used one of Edwards old pass offs, I could skirt the answer till later when I knew what the answer was.

"Sorry my dear" Elearer said suddenly defensive

"do you want to stop" Edward asked in reaction to my reply I shook my head and spotted Jasper as I repeated my reply he was smiling and nodding at me.

I turned to Edward, pulling the note pad and pencil from the table in front of me handing it to him "what is Jasper saying?" he wrote 'He likes how you got control of your emotions, you're in control of the conversation too' I looked at him and smiled, Edward glared at him, I'm not sure why..

Elearer cleared his throat "can I ask how you learned to use it, to make it cover all of you? Carlisle and I have had many discussions on how you block Edwards ability but this for a human is unheard of, it will be a truly formidable gift once your changed"

Edward's body tensed and I knew there was a brisk exchange of words as Jasper stood forward. I' had a feeling what was being said Edward must still hate the idea of changing me so I carried on as if the exchange I did not hear didn't happen "I'm not sure how I learned exactly, I know who taught me, explained what I needed to think about... Its thanks to the Cullen's that he helped me at all really" I said "Fred, my guard, he was or is, I've no idea what happened to him after I left, he was a vegetarian like you" I patted Edwards arm which was around me "he was placed on guard duty the most after there was a spate of.. urm" I went cold and shivered.

"are you alright" Edward whispered and Jasper pushed himself from the wall and vanished in the kitchen.

"fine, stuff I'd forgotten, that's all" I said back at him I knew he could feel my body shake a little.

"What do you mean thanks to us?" Alice said as she bounced down the stairs followed by Carmen.

"Fred, he was friends with the newborn in the meadow, you remember the one Jasper was standing over, the one Felix..." I could not finish, too many bad memories, as Jasper put a mug of piping hot tea down in the table and wrote under Edwards version of what he was thinking.

If you're not sure about answering it is alright, you are doing well, say what you need to say.

I just thought you might like tea. You normally have one about this time.

"How did he know you had a gift, how did he show you?" Elearer said in a flurry of new questions,

"He was being inducted as a new guard and heard Aro and the others talking about me, he recognised my scent as I was chained to the pillars cause I escaped, I think that was my nightmare last night, I am sorry about what I said and did" I'm not sure why I had a little laugh at that I for some reason found that amusing, cause I did escape I got out of the building but due to my human nature could not get off so the sunlight before they got to me, but that two minutes of freedom was the best I've ever felt that year. "They had me there waiting, expecting you to arrive any day" I said to Edward, Alice and Jasper "and wanted me on show as a warning to others from what I could gather"

"He knew me cause Riley had been given my scent to them all before the battle" I saw the Danali family all make minor changes to their body positions at the same time uncomfortably and their eyes lower from looking at me, Jasper flexed uncomfortably so he must have picked up something from them as Alice rubbed his arm, but I carried on after taking my breath as no one spoke up "he went to them cause he wanted to know why he and his friends all died fighting for a blatant lie, he worked it out as soon as he saw me manacled by my neck, wrists and ankles, like something dangerous. A little bit of over kill considering I'm not exactly a physical match" I quipped trying to break the tension that buzzed in the room, and I bit my lip wishing I'd not made it as Edward stiffened next to me.

"He was sent to watch me not just cause he was a vegetarian but cause he repulsed people, when I was near him initially they found it amusing that I was sick, but they had to find away to keep the guard away from me. Killing any that touched me, stopped working after a few days, some seemed intent to defy orders and die for a taste of me" that made Edward filch and his arm that was gently wrapped around me pinched me making it hard to breath properly next to him, till he realised I was tapping it for release.

"Aro ordered his and Caius's wives to watch me as they had more control over themselves, not that it made any difference the guards still climbed in the window, touched and licked me, salivating venom everywhere as I tried to sleep" Edward's still body shifted as if he squirmed and I felt a low resonating growl build deep in his chest which made me flinch and recoil from him when it broke free from his lips as I'd not heard him use a tone like it before, it was echoed by everyone in the room making me vulnerable for the first time and feel uneasy.

My brain and inside felt like they were about to disengage and I could feel the panic and years of bottled up hatred building inside, but for some reason I could not stop my flow of words, Jasper raised his eye brow at me so I guess he was assisting me at keeping control as Alice had said something to him, both looked at me mouthing and Alice signing for me to 'Continue' 'go on' with what I was saying. I had for the first time in years a release it was not like trying to explain it all to the Cullen's, I did not want to hold back or curb what happened in fear of hurting someone I cared for, Alice would see if I was about to offend someone and I'm sure Jasper won't let me say anything to the same effect either.

I wondered as I gazed in to the fire from the gray liquid swishing around in my mug if this was because Eleazer worked for them and I want them to know just how despicable and shockingly horrible my time with the law upholders was? They covered up what they did to me, it was as if I were an unwelcome relative or something see and not heard and not spoken of either.

I continued as minute tremors took hold of me as bottled memories and long forgotten terrorised days spilled forth from my head and turned into words for the first time "I was only given blood by Caius's wife Athe.. something her name was not food for a days, which.. Well Edward knows"

I smiled awkwardly at and shook my head to pass off the memory of blood typing high school style "she would move me about, leaving me places I could not get from when I passed out. When I was given human food it tasted different, I knew someone had put something in it. It was Fred who told me it was venom, he took to bring me food and water from the market when he could.

We learned quite quickly that the venom I ate did not have the same effect on a human, like it does when mixed in the blood stream. This guard who decided to experimented on another to find out itf it was just me, there were lots of rumours going around about me and why I was held, I felt bad for the girl they chose, I was luck in comparison to how they treated her, The Wives made me watch her and so many people including the guards involved die Aro was so angry, you know." My brain jumped a year as I recalled watching people die as I said without thinking "I was still conscious when they killed Emma in hospital after they beat me so I looked like I had the same injuries, I watched as they took enough blood from her to cover the medical tests and then the two guards who escorted me drank her dry before the wired me up to the monitors and drips leaving me for good" I felt nothing that day, not because I was beaten but cause I'd seen death so many times I had become used to the sights and sounds of it.

I was quiet for a while as that memory settled itself, it was one of great pain, guilt, I was elated at being free but felt dread as I had no idea where I was. Alice signed to me again 'it's alright, continue' when she caught my eye as I took a breath "They got British tourists to tutor me to speak with an English accent, Heidi lied to them saying if I got anything wrong they died, they were going to die anyway they were just siphoned from the feeding tour" I said as if it were a normal thing to have happened.

"They would hurt me when I failed till Felix or another was sent to... . Aro was so afraid of what you'd do if he or the guard laid a finger on me but he did not care about anyone doing it else except when I bled. He stopped it then"

I laughed a little at the idiosyncratic reality the Volturi deluded themselves to "at least I know I can hold my breath just longer than it takes a person to be drained by Felix, even when the bastard is trying to beat the crap out of me" I looked at Alice. "I escaped again" and sorrow at the memory filled my eyes "I was made to watch you die" 'sorry' I signed to her she just smiled back pained by what I as said knowing I was lied to but reassuring me "I'd already seen a video or the Forks house at sunset looking like a bomb had gone off, with piers of what looked like burning vampire and human body parts strewn about" I moderated this bit knowing it was also a lie

"The best bit was when they sent Fred, at least he had the decency to give me privacy, he stood guard at my door so no one came in at night. Caius got me to walk a balance beam to improve my coordination and balance, it was another game to them, if I fell off someone in the room full of humans died" I stopped to take a breath and a drink of tea to find the room deathly quiet and the tea cold.

Jasper looked at me waiting as I joined my onlookers frozen as my head caught up and realised it had spoken far more than I ever intended and far more than I was trained too my hand went to my mouth, I felt my colour drain from my face and a cold sweat set in and my heart pounded out its panic's rhythm "sorry I didn't mean t.." I stuttered out embarrassed and ashamed at what and how I recounted f my time as a house guest to the Volturi.

Eleazer held up his hands, palms up in the same way the Edward did after he killed Victoria. "Child what they did was truly despicable you are so truly lucky to be alive?"

Edward stayed frozen beside me as I repeated "sorry I didn't mean to.."

"it's alright Bella you do not need to explain" I heard Alice say as she appeared at my side, reassuring me and comforting me as she ignored the ice cold statue that sat dumb struck next to me.

"Bella, it must not have been easy for you" Carmen said "you are braver and exceedingly courageous for a human to have survived as you did. Edward must be proud of you?

Everyone looked at Edward who had not said anything. "Edward?" Tanya quizzed.

I placed my hand on his chest to wake him, but all I felt was nothing from his heart normally being this close to him I could feel the movement in there but there was nothing but a low feral growl that rattled in his chest as Eleazer and the other approached his motionless form.

I looked up at Jasper and Alice for help? As they came to my aid I slid from his arms or at least I tried, he was not letting go of me and the closer the Danali family came in order to help the louder the growl grew till they backed off and I flinched recoiling as best I could, scared of being this close to him for the first time in... well ever.

I looked at Alice whose face was blank with a vision. I watched her for signs of her coming round then at Jasper he was also watching her "it's alright, Ma am, your alright" he said reassuringly not taking his eyes of his wife, which worried me more. I was not sure why until he put his hand on my shoulder and I felt myself slump back onto Edward.

As I was speeking I'd sat up ridged and locked my body off so it did not move, I was so tense as I spoke I'd not realised just how much pain I was in locked off as I was till Jasper touched me, he looked relieved as I fell back to Edward and his hand flashed past me to catch my head before I knocked it on Edwards hard chest.

Edward still did not move but Alice came round and looked at Jasper and the Denali before looking at her brother. As I lay slumped bonded to Edward thanks to his iron grip on me I saw from my new angle that he was staring transfixed at Elearer. Alice stood in front of him to block his view and I saw four vampires slowly backing from the room.

"Edward" she said with a warning tone in her voice "Bella is in your arms you will hurt her".

"Did I? I mean what I said did I do this?" I asked looking at the pair of them?

"No, he's being Edward" she said calmly smiling at me but I knew she was hiding something from me.

"He's struggling with the emotions he feels right now, to protect you and hate for what they did to you. His sense of guilt and failure are the greater emotions I'm sensing from him, whatever you do don't leave him he is.. he's lost in his emotions. He will not hurt you or anyone else while you are with him. Give him time Bella" Jasper said "I can't do anything more for him, he will sort himself out in time, he needs you"

I heard a scream from upstairs, it was my Alice, I felt Edward move just a fraction as his grip on my top became tighter when I went to tend my child then Alice spoke at him, touching Jaspers arm "Keep Bella Safe Edward" and then to me "we will deal with this one Bella, it's going to be short, stay with him" I watched helpless as she went to the kitchen and returned with the medical bag that we put in the fidget, I looked at Edward as I saw Jasper follow her up the stairs carrying Alice's Barbie doll with him.

Edward sat motionless as I leant back into him and waited.

Review If you want to..

I was about to say it's nice to see what people think, but you know what... I'm sure I want to know if its negative but positive ones are a great boost to your moral.

I have to say it is a great feeling to see an email in my inbox with fav story or review alert...

Who'd have thought the 'you've got mail' tag line would be reignited...

Anyway thank you for reading this...

More to follow, if you don't want to read more stop.. cause its already being written...

PP


	19. February Half Term Pt 3

Disclaimer: well if you don't know by now you should I do not own the characters of Twilight and I wish there was more books than the four and Brie's...

Chap 17

Enjoy and let me know what you think?

A few lemons... or slices of depending on your view.. so be warned...

February Half Term Yellowstone

Bella POV

I could hear my daughter crying and calling for me at the top of her lungs making my heart ached and gut twist violently to be there. I heard Alice singing a lullaby as my Alice through sobs thanked Jasper for her doll, I knew deep down I could trust them but... she was my daughter, she was in pain I should be there...

I jumped when the silence was broken as Edward uttered in my ear "it's alright" his voice calm but strained as if he was forcing himself to speak to reassure me if anything "she wants Barbie... Jasper….. is ... soothing her... Alice measuring her meds 2.5... 3... 4... 4.5... 5ml... " there was a pause "meds taken... They will stay with her till she settles, he'll not sooth her till she has no pain... Alice has just warned him not to" it was like he was explaining what he saw action by action, it was a strange disjointed way he spoke and not like the Edward I knew who was always fluid.

"Edward will you let go of me please?" I asked as I tried to pull his fingers free from his hands. I hated being restrained it made me feel uneasy and I guess he could feel it in me.

"NO" he said with some force as I suddenly found myself on his lap with my legs either side of his waist, he was staring at me so intently, unblinking it made me feel even more uneasy as his not so golden eyes bore through me in their blank emotionless stare. "Keep… you… safe…" he stuttered out as his eyes closed tightly, so I could not see into them, I swear they looked more watery than normal just before he closed them, it was as if tears were building and he ... I felt his body shudder as his head came crashing down so I could no longer see his face.

He was crying? Well more sobbing by the feel of his body as it racked in response to his breathing and what I assume to be sobs as he tried to control it, no wonder Jasper left with Alice. My hands were now free from his grasp and I wrapped them around him, breathing into his hair, stroking my fingers heavily through it next to his scalp to help relieve the tension in him before I smoothed them softly down his neck and back "Shh" I said several times as I pulled myself in closer and moving his head to a more comfortable position and tried to rock him if I could as I kissed his ear lobe. My fears had gone instantly; soothing his pain was all that dominated my heart right now as I could not hear my Alice crying for me.

As his body gave into my side to side movement, and I rocked, I realised that to anyone passing this was probably not the kind for position either of us enjoyed the idea of in a communal living room but there was no way I could move from where he'd placed me, or move either of us to the privacy of our room for that fact. He seemed to relax a little as we rocked, I was copying methods I comforted my children with, it seemed to be working on my vampire so I did not stop shushing and rocking.

My thoughts wandered as my neck was just inches from his face it would not take much effort from him to raise it and bite but there was really no other place to put my head, I was taking a trusting risk not knowing how he would react when he came round. I had no idea what was going on in his head and could only equate it to when I get 'locked in' which normally only happens when I'm stressed and far too much is going on at the same time and my brain shuts me down, to the basic essentials while it deals with everything at a slower pace.

"You are very trusting" Carmen said to me, from elsewhere in the room, the Denali must be returning from where ever it was they vanished to, when Edward growled so fiercely "I am glad you told us, we now know a little of what happened and how you survived, I am sorry our combined scents sent you back there in your sleep. What happened to you both has caused you so much pain. You should know Edward as I know he won't tell you himself did not take you being taken well, he has been so desperate for a time, we wondered if he would go mad. I have a good feeling that he will start to heal now you're here. Give him sometime my dear" she said as she touched my shoulder and kissed his head before disappearing from the room, I felt a growl build and subside in his chest as she approached but I did not hear it leave his lips this time.

Tanya was the next person I saw, great, I'm straddled across my loves lap, unable to break free and the most beautiful vampire I've seen other than Rosalie is stood looking at me as if jealousy is eating away at her, "he is very lucky to have you Bella, here" she brought me a blanket which she gently wrapped round my shoulders taking care not to touch me. "I don't know what he sees in you, but you make him happy, I have not seen him as buoyant as I have today, I am sorry I made you uncomfortable earlier" I just smiled at her as she left us.

We were alone again, some of the lights had been switched off and I noticed the clock reflected in the window pointed at 1.15am I closed my eyes and breathed in his heavenly scent feeling remarkably safe and secure, I yawned and got as comfortable as I could sat astride my stone David resting my cheek on his head I had the annoyingly repetitive words to a song I did not know the rest of running in my head but did not feel brave enough to sing aloud 'Where in the world, have you been hiding, truly you are perfect' or at least I think that's the words I don't know any more to the Lloyd Webber song from Phantom of the Opera but the way its sung in the show is how I felt now about being with Edward.

"Edward" I whispered realising all too well what a draw I was to him and with him in his current state I was questioning other aspects of my life and was hearing warnings from my memory "I'm here, I'm in your arms, please don't hurt me when you come round" I was sure he knew but I thought if he could hear me ask he'd not crush me too much or it would be so quick I'd not feel a thing as I felt minute changes in his grip. My children were my other concern, to live without a me, I did not want them to have that, I loved them so much which is why when we were attacked I fought so much to keep the men away from them as best I could.

Silence hummed in the room and with the rocking motion I found my head rummaging through my life, I had flashes of memory from when I was seventeen, bringing a smile to my face as most were of the two of us on my bed or at our meadow, memories filled with vibrant colours and such loving and excited feelings dominated my faded memories. I had memories of my time with the Volturi, dark dim and the constant feeling of terror dominating them as I remembered being locked in dark damp rooms, being sniffed and the feeling of ice cold tongues on my skin as I tried to sleep at night.

I shivered a little at that thought and I'm not sure I could ever tell Edward that I had given up sleeping and cat napped my way through every twenty four hour period. As a result I screwed my body clock so much it took me months after I was left as Emma to settle back to a human pattern of sleep. I was lucky I had the excuse of a head injury to cover up my insomnia and exceedingly poor memory for family, friends and boyfriends, Emma's life came as a shock to me.

I recall been tutored in her immediate family, education, geographical location and general life all the kind of things a person can pick up from watching a family intently for a few months. The Volturi were so ignorant of her life, that or it was deliberate but I found her personal life harder to handle, she was unconscious so finding out she had two boyfriends was a shock.

add to this the discovery that neither knew of the other's existence and her younger sister was juggling their hospital visits so they did not meet was a rude awakening, as was that Emma was sexually active with both of them. I mean I was a day from finally being with Edward, to give myself over to him in every human way possible and I felt cheated out of that experience and here was this person I was to be and... no chance of sharing my first time with the man I loved but with strangers...

I almost laughed out loud as I remembered nineteen years ago just I hated the feel of hot lips and tongue on and in my mouth, it was so alien to me and my skin crawled as their warm hands and finders wandered. I felt filthy at their use of lurid and suggestive language, being asked to perform sexual acts. When I was finally out of hospital and home, I woke with one of them next to me naked, up to that point Jacob was the only part naked person I'd lain next to as his body temperature was higher than mine it made him different and that time was because it was freezing. Christ I remember screaming at the feel of Richards body on me as he moved my hands to touch him in places I'd barely contemplated with Edward.

Emma's mother was in like a shot I half expected her to chastise him for his attempt to seduce me but it was an eye opener to me that she knew of her daughters love life and encouraged it, what world had I been dumped in, I was in hell and I knew I had to step up to the plate and blend in or I'd have the people I care about back in Forks wiped out, which was my parting warning from Aro if I screwed up. I'd love to know if he know about this? And was it part of my continuing torture?

Needless to say I dumped both slimy ass's as soon as I had the voice to, I hated the pressure to satisfy, and the head injury was as good cover for my change in character as any. Christ I had no idea how to perform half of what was being asked, kind of laughable now.. I really hated touching a warm body, when I eventually took the plunge and lost my virginity to someone, I wish I could remember his name especially as I was so upset it was not Edward. I found I was so used to Edwards cold body sapping my body heat, my partners used to moan that they had to roll away from me cause I heated up so much when I slept.

I spent some of the silence to analyse the way I have been treated and helped by the Cullen's and my biological family in comparison to the Grahams and Smiths which is Emma's family, there is such a difference. My years as Emma before I married Charlie was more about 'this is life kid, you have to sleep your way to the top. Now get on with it and made do' I was told that I'd never amount to anything by Emma's mother which is why she encouraged the numerous boyfriends, 'find a rich one honey' she would say. It made my skin crawl, I mean I know my relationship with Renee is not exactly perfect, I was more the parent there but she loves me and never put me down, I was encouraged with everything I did, to try harder, to achieve higher grades but to sleep my way up the tree.. it was not anything she aspired to.

My head went blank as the silence of the night crashed in on me and silent tears rolled from me as my life so far and time with the Law upholders settled in my head. I started to whisper to Edward again this time I stuck to how much I missed him and how much he meant to me during my 'dark years' I guess you could call them as every memory I have with Edward in spite of the Atlantic Peninsula's clement was colourful and bright. There was something nagging in the back of my mine but it would not leave the dark recesses as much as I tried to work it out so I stared at the window again, at my head on his shoulder and noticed we were hardly moving, I'm not exactly sure we ever were rocking or if that was just me moving, come to think about it..

The reflection of the clock said 2am, wonderful! I am going to be so tired tomorrow with the long journey and the girls, I know this was not the best thought I'd had but it came at the same time as the one that realised I was still in his arms and he'd not pulled away or tucked the covers between us..

I took a deep breath and said his name "Edward" the words fell from my tired head and mouth "You know, I did not know how to breathe for so long after I was taken, it was as if someone had pulled the plug on me and I was deflating. I hated being away from you; I hated myself for killing you and Alice. I hate myself now for believing Aro's lies... You know from the moment I touched you at New Year's I could breathe again... Properly, great lungful's of pain free air, God you have no idea how many chest and lung specialists I was sent to and none of them knew what was wrong with me"

"You know my strongest memory of us now is of our first night together at New Year's after you joined me, I felt so safe with you there, I wanted your touch so badly just to hold your hand was heaven. I could not believe it was really you. In that instant I regretted every boyfriend I slept with, my marriage, I even regretted my children because they are not yours, stupid really as they are what made me come to life again after I killed you, you were so much alive in them and naming them as we did"

"I took your mother's name because it only option I had not feeling attached to anyone else. Gave her Rosalie's name as she looked so serious and beautiful. She would have been named after you, but she came out with bits missing" I chucked "Alice, is Alice because she was so small and her cry she had a similar ear splitting high pitched tone to it, to me they were yours, at least that's what I told myself as I lay in the operating theatre scared half to death at what was about to happen, I head your voice next to me amidst the sounds and conversations of the medical staff as the doctors operated , both times I heard you, it was weird you were so clear in my head telling me everything was alright"

My head came back to the here and now, as my body started to ache, it was trying to tell me I should be flat, I knew sitting like this for this length of time was going to take its toll tomorrow on my aged, unfit body, and the idea of sitting still in a car was adding to the knowledge that this was going to make for a painful day. I could already feel myself stiffening up as his body took the warmth from it.

I'd learned from experience that there is a point when his body stops absorbing and the chill settles to a constant temperature, he'd never believe me when I told him, but right now I was nowhere close to this and needed to move so I could get my circulation moving, it's this discovery that made me so insistent to want to sleep with him I knew his temperature would not be as great an issue once we... got to it and now I know what my body can do and how much heat it can generate when... it had in spite of its aversion to intimacy in the last two years sprung to life and wanted... for want of a better word.

I know more of relationships and intimacy anyway now. I had a crash course and I figure if we were ever to... 'try' I do hate hearing that word. His fear of killing me if he lost control could be circumnavigated, if we learned to desensitising ourselves, I say this as much as my body wants him, I am afraid to let him see what I look like for one thing but also, to be that close to a man, to trust him so incessantly, to give myself over to a much stronger man, one where there is no way out to move him or wiggle away. I know this for fact having tried with Peter, we got past the heavy kissing stage, to the undressing stage many times, we touched and played with each other for months and it felt great, well more than great to be that free again but we got far too drunk one night to put the brakes on and I freaked as soon as his hands went into position and he made his first thrust, my head was back in my room and feeling the attack. I can't freak out on Edward; Peter was kind of used to my nutty ways and was no virgin. To freak on Edward would or could hurt him deeply and he may never 'try' again.

We needed to play a little, learn what we both feel like at each other's touch, bring each other off a few times, may be a few more than a few times, but this could be wishful thinking. I guessed this was not breaking his sex before marriage code, as penetration would not happen. The idea of having Edwards cold hands on my body, he had the gentlest of touches felt like butterflies fluttering over your skin. When he was aroused and was trying to hide and control it he's hands were a little firmer and I liked it, it was a strong safe touch he had when he was like that but he would keep his distance to stop temptation, I so wanted his cold hands on my breasts on more than a few nights.

When I got mastitis for example thanks to a baby who bit hard the as we flew back from skiing. I really needed his hands as I waited for the antibiotics to work, my breast felt like it was on fire.

I could feel my body react to the thoughts I was having and tried to control them as I thought 'what if I don't freak and Edward hates what he sees' I do not think I could live with another man or marry one who does not like or want to touch my body and currently Edward shows no sign of either. Balls I was on a down ward spiral and no way of hearing his voice to bring me out of it.

I moved a bit on his lap to get comfortable as something was sticking in the top of my thigh now I'd slipped to the side to give my one bum cheek a chance to unsquish. Ah! I know what that is now I've just looked down and realised how close to him I am, his knees are higher than his waist and I've been sliding ever closer as I've moved about in him.

Oh! I wish I had the nerve to touch what I knew was bobbing just the other side of his trouser fly, to feel him fit into the palm of my hand, to feel just how long he was as I... 'Get a grip'... _well not exactly but..._'Just don't think about it Bella, and breath' I said to myself 'he's a guy and these things tend to jump to attention for a million reasons..' I tried to push myself back away from his attention seeking hard on, but could not get myself to wriggle back up without moving my hands lower, which would give him an eye full of my cleavage as I leaned forward to move, Oh heck sod it, if he wants me to marry him my cleavage is only a small part of my body he will just have to get used to and I placed my hands on his abdomen and managed to move enough off him to stop the urge to want more of what was protruding his lap, just waiting to be... I have a filthy mind, I felt quite embarrassed for my thoughts as I looked at him.

In spite of my fears of intimacy my hormones surged knowing what I was just inches from and my body went into a mini sweat. I leaned in to his ear hoping that no one else heard me as I breathed "Edward, if my knees get too uncomfortable where I have them you're going to have to lower your legs hon unless you want me back on top of you?" there was no movement from him as I stiffly brought my feet up so my knees could brace me against his stone facade.

I put my head on his as I looked at the reflection of the clock and waited for it to focus now my eyes were tiring... 2.30am I dreamed of having him in this position, it used to be a favourite of mine along with others but that was before I was raped.

I decided to talk to him again apologies for getting him to this frozen state, may be if he knew I was sorry for opening my mouth and hurting him? "Edward forgive me, I knew if I told you more of what happened it would hurt you, as much as you tried to convince me otherwise, I know I've spoken of some aspects already, it was as if someone was pushing the information out of me tonight I could not stop, I'm sorry hon" I said as I kissed his head.

I let my arms flex and my fingers wander as far as they could reach round his back, the blanket was covering us nicely and the temperature inside had settled to above cool, as I ran my fingers round the neck of his shirt, I pulled them under his chin to see if I could move his head at all in any direction but could not. I found the collar of his shirt cutting into his neck and started to undo the buttons to ease the pressure, I was lost in thought forgetting that he did not need air like me and did not stop unbuttoning once I got the top one undone.

I half expected him to stop me, he always did in the past, but as I reached the last two the heal of hands hit the hard tip if him as I tried to pull the shirt free, my breathing hitched at just how firm he was. I slipped my hands inside his shirt feeling his chest begin to rise for the first time against my hands since he stopped speaking and an unsteady uneven beat came from his heart again. I absentmindedly ran my fingers round and round his nipple as I felt his heart move beneath them, wondering if I pinched, would he react.

Would he feel it to start with? I can't remember what he said he felt when I touch him, I wished so much I could as the urge to pinch came ever stronger, I used to do that to Charlie mainly as he liked it, but I had learned it had one of two effects on a man, they liked it or hated it whichever it was it did achieve one thing, their instant attention and I wanted Edwards attention now, I needed to go to the bathroom.

I pinched lightly, first removing my head from the top of his and pulling back to see if there was any change. I squeezed a little harder and then used as much force as I could to no reaction at all. I bent my head as best I could and kissed his forehead "Edward honey?" I whispered. As a stupid thought flashed through my mind and I am so glad he can't read my mind, as another attention grabbing body part was begging me to touch it but I knew he was dead against any kind of intimacy of this kind which in away was a relief for me and I would not like it if someone touched me without my full knowledge or giving me the option to say no.

I tried to untangle his fingers from my top and failed at that too, I thought about taking it off but could not managed it in the space between his arms. "Edward, no one will harm me here, you said so yourself, I need you to let me go, please relax?" I said hoping he'd thaw. I pushed back from him and put my arms inside his shirt again I managed to wiggle my way down so I could kiss his neck and top of his chest a little. I was getting cramp and was numb from sitting on his cold lap and my bladder was starting to shout that it needed emptying, being a little damp also did not help matters.

I put my arms round my back and used all my strength to rip at my top, it took a lot of effort but I managed to rip the section his hands were gripping and freed myself, sliding very ungracefully off his lap to the floor. I struggled to get up my back and hips had seized and screamed at me, dam I was unfit as I rolled over like an overweight hippo and pushed myself onto all fours and then climbed up the couch to stand. "I hope you're not laughing at this, in there" I said to him as I struggled to get to my feet "this is what happens when you sit an old person in the same immovable position for too long"

I stretched hearing every joint crack or click but did not leave his field of vision; I leant over and whispered in his ear that I was off to the bathroom. I turned and had not made four feet's worth of a gap, when I felt his hands still gripping the ripped section of my top as if I were still in it were next to my shoulder. I stopped and turned to him, "Edward I need to go to the bathroom, stay here I'll come back to you" I turned and went to walk again to find he was there matching my steps, his expressionless face looked sullen and as if he were under a spell to follow me as I made for the downstairs cloakroom rather than try the stairs as it was I was far too desperate to make the steps, he navigated the coffee table and chairs perfectly fluidly as if he'd only been sat for five minutes, dam vampires, I so wanted some of that ability now and not needing the loo so desperately was also one I wanted.

At the door I looked at his submissively blank face, "I have to go, hon wait here...please" I begged with a stern voice, as I waited before I entered to see if there was any change in his features or not, I took the last step in and he followed blocking the door so I could not close it. "Edward no I need to pee you can't be in here, wait outside, you know I hate this?" he did not move. I was fighting the pain of desperation "you've not been in a room when I've done this, now is not good time, I need to take my trousers down, your never in the same room when I do that, you always leave?" I hoped his reserve would kick in and take him away but nope. "Ah Edward please" I jigged about painfully "if you won't go please turn around, stop looking at me, I can't wait any longer"

I went to walk out of the room, to make a final ditch attempt at the stairs if I made it that far, dam that man but he did turn. "stay facing this way then" I said angrily and closed the door as I painfully ducked round him unfastening my belt, button and fly to my jeans at the same time I lifted the lid praying when I turned back he was not looking at me.

I turned with my eyes closed, I could not wait and I did not want to know which way he faced, dropped my jeans and pants and sat as fast as my stiff body would let me. Put my head in my hands as the pain of joyous relief burned its way from me. I pee'd for an embarrassingly long and loud time with him stood just feet from me. my brain kicked in and yelled at the back of him 'Well there you have it, shut in a small, windowless room with your human as she urinates, how nice, how romantic and to add to it she's turned on too.. how's that for your over sensitive nose?' what came from my mouth was "you're a very brave nutter Mr Cullen" as the last of my over full bladder escaped me.

I looked up then to check which way he faced before I wiped, stood, pulled my clothes up and turned to flushed and washed my hands seeing him in the mirror still facing the door. I reached round and opened the door and pushed him from the room rather than climb round him again, I took his hands and managed to get them to lower a little and I pulled him back into the room, it was a little like how he followed me back in Birmingham, when I pulled him into my room at New Year's, apart from being emotionless in his expressions his movements were the same, I could move about, he just would not leave me, he said as much that night.

It was now 4am by the clock on the wall as I folded the blanket and turned out the rest of the lights and headed up stairs to our room, he followed still statue still in his features but his upper body was inches from me at all times. I got to our room and closed the door behind him, I changed for bed in the bathroom leaving the door open a little which seemed to stop him entering, I checked the girls with my Edward shadow following and climbed into bed having first pulled back the covers on his side but did not climb in, he just stood there staring blankly just feet from me, I lay back in the dark but his stare was far too uncomfortable.

I got up and towed him to the bed and sat him down, got back in and curled myself around him; I figure if he needs to be with me at least I can do two things keep touching him and sleep.

I woke the next morning to feel him still sat where I put him, when I opened my eyes he was changed, with wet hair and had an awkward smile on his face, he was free from whatever turned him into David, he was looking at me as if it was the first time he'd seen me. His hands found mine and he held them tightly staring at me for a while before he said "I am sorry, I failed you. I wish I had tried harder.. Yes! I know what would have happened but I need to tell you... I'm sorry Bella, you are so... brave... so much more than I am, I do not deserve you"

I went to protest but he kissed my lips to silence me "no don't say anything please.. I'm sorry I made you feel uncomfortable following you as I did, rational thought had left me all I could focus on was not leaving you, I was afraid someone would come, being close to you, not letting anyone get near you again was all I thought" he raised his eye brows and leaned over to my ear and so quietly whispered "I liked the way you touched me, the feel of your hands on my skin, your scent was..." he looked away and then back at me "heavenly" he smiled and kissed me "sorry you were uncomfortable, I know you tried to get me to move so saying you should have asked is pointless, It helped me when you curled around me last night, to know you were comfortable and warm and still where I could watch and protect you, it was what I needed, I was not thinking straight" and he kissed my ear again.

As he continued to talk at whisper "I liked the way it feel to have you... sat... when..." I heard him swallow and go to form other words but he did not finish but leant in closer to kiss my ear but this time I felt his breath shaking so lightly so seductively as he uttered "I can't help how I feel about you" and then as if he'd not been at my ear at all he was stood pulling the covers back from me "Come on Alice has made breakfast and we have a long drive today" and he tugged me to my feet. My heart went into over drive at his whisper, it sent shock waves from my ear to every erotic zone my body had and my hormones responded with a surge of 'hello' and heat as my body responded, Christ if he'd not pulled me from the bed to my feet and to his arms lord knows where I'd be colaped. .. My legs were jelly as I crumpled into him. His laugh and the way he held me was delightful and airy before he sent me to the bathroom to wash.

By the time I got back from breakfast our bags were packed and there was no trace of a lost sock or toy, not that it did not stop me from checking, which frustrated Alice who followed me down stairs to the waiting Denali clan moaning "I checked everywhere, Honestly Emma do you not trust me?"

"I trust you Alice, it's socks and toys I don't they come alive at night and loose themselves just for my personal frustration" I said as I hobbled down the last few steps to Edwards waiting supportive hand, my hips were killing me and I was going to be sat in a car for the next four hours or so. The joy was none existent at the idea of my kids in a car for that length of time. Gladly for me but not for Alice and Jasper the girls both screamed blue murder to travel with them leaving Edward and I alone which was so much more bearable than travel tantrums. If Alice wants to help she can gladly have them on a long journey; she thinks it will be a pleasure I'm not arguing with her, cause it will be mine.

Goodbyes said and cars packed we were off for Yellowstone on a wonderfully fresh and crisp morning with the snow gently falling, as soon as we hit the freeway we took off, matching speeds and keeping pace Jasper and Edward floored the two hire cars, leaving me worried for the children's safety rather than my travel anxiety.

"Are you alright to drive after last night?" I asked Edward as I tried not to notice that the speedo dial looked like the mirror image of where I preferred the pointer to be.

"Fine, I was..." he tried to continue but I saw his face contort as he searched for the right words

"don't try to explain it's not worth it, we can't change the past what is important is the future, I never wanted to say half of what I said was Jasper doing something to me to make me talk?" he cocked his head in conformation.

After about half an hour of silence I asked "How long till we get there?" glancing again at the speedo seeing it doing something I'd only ever seen on Top Gear.

"We will stop in a hour, Alice knows a place where the girls can play and we can all eat" he said, taking my hand in his and resting them on my lap. "I love you, with everything I am, I'm sorry your uncomfortable" he ran our hands along my leg to my hip and knee and tapped when he reached both "today because of me" he said did he know rubbing my leg which was doing nothing for my reignited passions.

I watched the world wiz by, praying my girls would be safe but watching the car in front it was as if both of us were cursing at 60MPH not... I can't even see the numbers from where I'm sat... Breathe Bella, just breathe and trust, at least travelling with Alice and Jasper there was a child each of the car were to spin out, in here who would Edward save first, he's good but I do not think he can save two children and me.

Lunch was fabulous, a little roadside dinner fed us well, Alice was so wrapped up in the girls they sat together eating from the same plate! And I shared with the boys, they bagged their burgers and fries unseen as nibbles for the journey. Alice, myself and Beatrice went into the woods to pee, Edward opted to change Alice's nappy while they waited, I have no idea where Alice went exactly she vanished as soon as we passed the second tree as I helped Bea, squat in the bushes, and I followed, and we took over watching little Alice for the boys to go. The three of us played on the logs by the cars for ten minutes while we waited for all three of them to appeared with brighter eyes, I have no idea why they needed to hunt now and forgot to ask Edward as the journey continued as the girls and I were sent to sleep for a couple of hours after lunch courtesy of Uncle Jasper.

Night fall and we arrived at the Cullen's new house, Esme, Carlisle Rosalie and Emmett were there to greet us as Edward woke me, it was like being home, I know the place was new to me but the welcome and the smell from the house that came from the open door was so familiar. Hugs all round as the boys carried the bags in and Rosalie took Bea and Alice to their room with big Alice who bounced and skipped about between them, Esme and myself as if she were a five year old.

As I followed them in, I spotted familiar favourites of mine, Carlisle's cross, the huge display of graduation caps that hung proudly on the wall by the stairs again, the wooded masks from places they'd been and there in the middle of the mantel piece the picture I gave them of the girls.

Esme ushered me up stairs to follow Rosalie "I think we should let the children burn off some steam, before suppers ready" she said as if she were human and having children in her house was normal. She reminded me of a grandma the way she clucked around them, I loved it "let's show you their room first" she said with pride and excitement.

Emmett bowled up next to me "I hope you approve, you're about to enter Rose and Alice world" I looked at him as he said the last bit it in a deep public announcement style boom as we came to the top of the third flight of stairs which had a bespoke stair gate spanning it, He looked proud of himself as he held it open, brushing his fingers lovingly along the rails.

"Did you make this?" I asked as we passed through it, he bowed and raised his eyebrows, it was beautifully made and as smooth as silk to touch. I saw or at least I think I saw what he meant in his warning as everyone came to a holt and I saw next to a normal sized door a tiny cottage style one. This was going overboard, for less than a week's stay? Unless they are planning on us being here more, I looked at Alice who was so hyper my children looked calm in comparison.

Alice gave the girls a keycard each and told them to swipe the pad next to the door with it. Both girls obeyed and I heard the click as the latch released, they entered and vanished from sight but I could hear their delight and amazement from the other side as Rosalie opened the door next to it and we entered a world of 'pink'.

I hate pink but this was... "Oh Alice.." I exclaimed she was amazing, I'm sure Rosalie had a hand in this too the colours were perfect, it was just by the doors that the vibrant fuchsia glared at me like a hangover waiting to happen, the rest of the room blended in the most amazing shades and tones.

Inside the girls had separate princess beds complete with soft lace canopies and brushed cotton covers. Their little door entered a corner of the room given over to 'house' there were low walls similar in height to those by the beds offering privacy and a light baffle, two other doors leading to the bathroom and somewhere else, I watched my girls excitedly open windows, and the door from the playhouse into the rest of their room there as everything a child in 'house play' heaven would want. Not to mention dolls, teddies stacked up inside it, some already looked like a picnic was underway.

There were board games and books on shelves, riding helmets hanging on their little chairs, I'm not sure what the hard hats are for but... I'm sure I'd find out there was never not a reason behind strange objects when Alice was concerned. There was more in that room than I've got at home for them, the room looked like a scene from a Victorian nursery, everything in its place and perfect to keep them occupied, I felt a over whelmed as the children screamed with delight as they searched cupboards and draws finding clothes and all sorts of things just for them, even the en suite was perfect for two little girls with a junior sized toilet, a bath with a shower head as Alice does not like showers and I am trying to encourage Bea to use them, a theatrical style mirror with lights round it. A low level sink just right for both of them, nothing was missed.

"Oh wow, Girls, what do you say to your Aunts?" I said amazed at what I was seeing

"Thank you" they coursed as the hugged Rosalie, Alice and Esme. There was a clearing of a throat from Emmett.

"I'm sure your Uncles also need thanking Girls"

The girls jumped on to Emmett thanking him before moving on to Carlisle and Jasper both of whom held on to one of the girls each showing them the bits they had influence in. It was as if my girls had been adopted by them and they were welcoming them home, I guess in a way they were, the joy and thrill in the eyes of the Cullen's brought tears to my eyes.

The other door leads into Edward's room, and I saw on the back of the door we'd used had the same lock system as the cottage door. Rosalie stood next to me beaming as the girls went to the beds which I guess was her input as they chose which bed was theirs and bounced on them. She whispered "we had time locks put on these two doors so they could not get out and no one could get in after bedtime, we can override it and keep them in if we need to, only access then would be from Edwards room, we thought you and Edward would like that, it saves them wandering off without you knowing, I know you like to keep a check on them, only Alice, Esme, myself, Emmett Edward and you will have thumb prints on the system to override these doors, Jasper opted out"

"Oh! We had this wall strengthened to make them safe till one of us gets here, we hope it does not happen but we are visited by our kind as you may recall" I did thinking of James, Victoria and Laurent. I felt bad for Jasper being locked out and could not understand why but saw Edwards look and wondered if he'd had a hand in his decision? Jasper looked so happy playing with them.

Wow they did not miss a trick, it was a sweet gesture and I was unsure about the need for the extra security just to make me feel at ease. We left Alice playing house with the girls and Rosalie watching quietly as we were shown the rest of the house starting in our room, Edwards ornate bed, just how I remembered with the one flower missing dominated the centre of the one wall, his music and books were on shelves along with a few of his possessions and knickknacks I bearly rememebr from my teenage years. We also had an en suite with a big double shower and things.

I followed Edward down to the kitchen bringing the bag of meds he'd unpacked while I stood watching the children play, I placed it in the huge fridge seeing it full of food for a change, not just one shelf with what I needed on it, this had fruits and vegetables, milk and juice. Everything we needed or would want for the rest of our stay. I put my head in the freezer section and found various staples, including my old favourite pop tarts, I was defiantly home.

I wandered past the low height kitchen counter which was now set out with children's cutlery, funky placemats and two juice filled cups, Esme was finishing cooking the girls homemade fish fingers and vegetables as I walked out and ran my fingers over the old antique dining table and across the backs of the chairs remembering the many conversations we had around this table.

I watched Edward who was now sat with his brothers as images of happier times filled my head seeing them huddled round some game or other. I wandered to the glass doors and looked out onto the moon drenched lawn trying to make out what I could of the garden, there was something large and frame like looming out there in the shadows but I could not make it out, I was staring so intently I did not hear or see Edwards reflection as he came up behind me and asked "are you alright, your very quiet?" as he wrapped himself around me making me jump from my skin.

I just 'Mm'd' at him, as my heart climbed back inside my chest, I had no words, they seemed to have left me everything was so amazing. With last night I'm kind of talked out not to mention I don't want to hurt Edward further as it was I feeling?... I'm not sure what I feel exactly, it's all so familiar and so strange at the same time, objects, furniture and people I remember fondly are the same hardly changed, My mind thought of my home and I felt a little sad for a moment but as always I am overwhelmed by the generous nature of the Cullen's, I was stunned at the beautiful room they had bestowed on my children as if they were really family, I could not ask for a better welcome back to the family I was once to have married into.

But I feel lost, out of place? as I heard Esme softly call to Alice and Rosalie to get the girls washed for dinner and heard the sound of pots being drained and plates being set out ready for their meal to be placed on. I heard my children excitedly tare down the stairs with their aunts passing me to take their seats as if I were not there, it was beautiful to see but also painful.

I was now rendered useless, their aunts had everything under control and not once, except last night with Alice's headache, have I heard the yell for Mummy or the screams that normally went with them wanting me to do something for them, I liked the break but was missing them wanting and needing me so incessantly, what hurt the most and which was probably making things worse was that in a few years none of us would ever hear their voices again.

I felt a strange hand on my shoulder and looked up to see Jasper looking at me 'Excuse me Ma am, are you alright?" I looked at him for a second or so and nodded courteously and smiled as I took the mug of tea he was holding, I was not alright and he knew it but to admit that was going to be far too much for me and I knew I'd breakdown.

"They are fine" he said "You know they love you"

"I know Jasper it's just... this is... Oh!. How to explain without sounding ungrateful... The break from their constant calling and pulling me in two directions is great and I like it but it's so strange for them not to want me. I just was not expecting to feel like this today, I thought I'd got that sorted, that's all, I'm sorry, it's not easy for you with me like this sorry"

"Ma am" he said as if asking me to stop worrying about him as he nodded and looked at me as if he was not totally believing me.

"Alright" I said to him raising my hands surrendering.

"It's alright you know to feel lost, we all feel that when we move into a new home. You will be alright, do you want me to help you?" he said looking up at Edward covering for me, but I'm sure Edward was reading Jaspers thoughts or what he felt from me as he pulled me closer too me in the way he does when he's comforting rather than holding me.

"No its find Jasper, thank you and sorry for all this" he let go of my shoulder as Emmett piped up

"Emma, your programme is on, I've saved you a seat" Edward took my hand and walked me to the empty section of couch, I glanced into the kitchen to see Rosalie encouraging Alice to eat her vegetables, good luck to her I thought as I went to sit with Edward as the opening scenes of NCIS played out in the massive plasma screen.

Wow I've just found out how to edit on here again.. cool... sad as its taken me how long? hay ho..

Review if you want, it would be nice to hear from some of you even it is just a Hi as to a comment.. I've got more suprises for the children when the sun's up.. there is a it of angst with Bella and Edward at the moment in the section I'm writing they need to sort themself out without pressure I think...

Do you like it or hate it or are you sticking to this because...


	20. A Little Too Much for Bella

Twilight is not mine.. none of the characters are...

A Little Too Much for Bella

Chapter 18

Bella POV

A good dose of Anthony DiNozzo and a nice to curl up in Edwards arms doing nothing, thinking nothing and forgetting for the duration of the programme that I am a mom of two and precariously balancing between two worlds, Emma's and my own. Like that was going to happen as soon as the prelude was over and the titles and theme music cut in my brain switched gear and zoned out in thought.

I used to think of my life like a theatre play, the public only get to see what you show them, the character and action in the play entitled 'my life'. Once the curtain is down and the lights off and the public gone I can be me again. Only I have to keep the facade going backstage, no one here is to know who I really am, know what I really feel. My real life is hardly existent resigned to dark corridors, lonely nights and memories of who I once was.

The effort I put in to being Emma when the curtains open again, does not stop or rest and has not rested for nineteen years, I am type cast, forever to play the same roll, I do not use a script to know what to say at any given moment, or how to react it is etched in my psyche, drilled and re-drilled so my subconscious eats, sleeps and dreams Emma.

Me 'Bella' the real one, not the Bella/Emma person who has fluctuated between characters since Christmas, lurks in the wings she makes sure the costumes are ready, the right props are in place, she manages Emma life as if she were created to be her personal manager, always making sure she knows what to say if we had to adlib, she is punctual for social engagements armed with the correct gift and card with the right words, written in a style she has learned to save Emma the trouble of writing herself. She is never to be seen in public, it would break an unwritten rule to be seen in the limelight.

But here, she's in the light, Emma has been banished, not so much by Bella but by these four walls and its occupants. Bella can show herself, it is safe here. But she can't, she is finding it hard to make both people in her change rolls. A half hour here and there is all she has managed so far since Edward walked in through her door and stayed in her house forcing the ghost like Bella Swan to be seen when the children go to bed, Tonight there is more of Bella in the person who's curled up cosily, tucked under her loves arm.

I have to say I think I'm doing well, Bella/Emma has been more of Bella since she met and married Charlie, than Emma as she was supposed to be when the guards left her at the hospital with a few broken ribs and a bump on the head but the Bella/Emma double act looms ever present. Being here in Yellowstone is weird, I know full well every time one of the Cullen's looks at me I am a living reminder at how many years they did not come to my rescue, you can see it in their faces for a brief microsecond every so often and the way they help me is way over the top sometimes.

In Edward it is the worst, the way he holds me. last night's catalyst was inevitable, I feel myself building to something similar, I do not want to loose contact with him or I will fall and by fall I feel I'm stood on the edge of a dark bottomless pit, the edge is crumbling and I'm slipping closer to it in the dust covered earth, if I go over I have no idea how I will get out again, I am to be honest afraid of falling.

I am constantly aware of the pain I cause the Cullen's who in spite of everything love me and to be honest are the only family I have now, each flinch of pain in their eyes erodes the edge, my memories of being at Volterra and the reprisals of going back now I've been found and the knowledge that going back could be the end of them and my children, I have no idea what they will do to me, but it all pushes me closer. The thought of shedding the Emma skin completely to be Bella, will hurt my or her family and they are not at fault I am their imposter of a daughter was a accident of fate, they cannot know about the Cullen's or the truth at least, this is another burden that makes me loose my footing as I carry.

Whatever I do hurts those I love and for this and everything I've just thought the pit edge has always been constantly two meters away. I am angry at so many people, the Voltari for destroying my perfect life, but their actions gave me my girls, Rosalie predicted right I would have wanted them and I would have felt the heart wrenching need to have a child just as I did when I needed to have Alice although possibly not because I was lonely but more the inbuilt hormonal need for it, which is stronger than the need for chocolate once a month.

My fear of falling is relieved at night with Edwards touch holding me back, a strong hand stopping me slip, his arms hold me as if I were caged as they wrap themselves round me and protect me from everything..

I wish I had his arms after I was raped, I needed that security and feeling of alrightness he gives me just by breathing on me, I like it that I can loose myself in him so easily. I can trust him with my safety when I sleep and it is an amazing weight off my mind and heart to feel this, having not been able to trust anyone properly since we were attacked or for that matter for me to have any confidence in people who claim they care, everyone I know as Emma is a false friendship, and I've feigned love her boyfriends to stay blended in, I have managed to alienate her circle of friends, this was a must really to keep the secret, the head injury has been such a great help to me but it also left me lonely.

The play of 'my life' is just that an act.. I can count only one true friend, Ian the psychic, he knew since the first day he laid eyes on me and to my relief did not say a word and I know he never will, I know he does not like the concept of me being part of the dark side as he puts it but he can also see the light from the family was taken from and for this he tolerates the visions he's had and still has. That's why he did not want to hear Edward speak when he phoned on New Year's. He does not want to speak to any of the Cullen's if he can help it, he says it makes him sick, but I know he will never leave me friendless if I need one until the day he dies.

He came to my rescue with boyfriends and became Emma's longest relationship todate, it was the best one she had, no sex, no touching, no kissing unless we were in public, we shared a room and it did not matter if it was a single or double we had our sides and that's where we stayed.. It did put a lid on his relationships for a while which he was glad of, he was not sure what he wanted but knew it was not me or any female, he was getting far too much attention and needed the break, being seen with a woman helped!

Ah! Last commercial brake, of the NCIS, I have no idea what's happened I've been lost in my thoughts and in being me for a change, letting my head sort itself out as it puts things in order and finds new locations for Bella/Emma stuff. I can hear Edward muttering, there is no point trying to tune in it's a vamp conversation and his almost audible and constantly whispering is driving his brothers mad I guess going by the daggers they are sending his way, who'd have thought it could distract them from Ziva Davids dialogue and kick ass moves.

I saw Emmett go to ask me a question as his eyes fixed on me after he ranted something at him but I saw Jasper elbow him and shake his head before I zoned back out. I want to scream so much, let MY frustrations out for once I hate feeling I'm going to hurt people if I let go, I am never going to get the change to not hurt someone. Will I ever be able to stand on that stage and live for me or am I forever doomed to be Bella/Emma when the curtains open?

"Ma am" I heard Jasper say slightly exasperated as he looked at me as if to know what I was thinking as I came from my thoughts to the bright living room as my two children bounded over to me in new pyjama's, slippers and bathrobes, I guess with these two alive the Bella/Emma double act will continue, I just hope I can hold it together, I really could do with punching something that needs to be pummelled or moved, I burn up a lot of my aggression doing this kind of thing letting off steam and screaming for once would be great.

"Night Mummy" they chorused as they kissed me and headed up to bed stopping out of sight as the climbed the stairs, where they yelled to Jasper to read to them, he was as much a sucker to please them as any of them and was suddenly not sat next to us as I heard "Coming ladies" in his southern accent from the first floor landing as I heard them scream and run like mini elephants to their little door.

The credits rolled and Alice bounded up to me, "were going shopping tomorrow morning" she stuck her tongue out at Edward in a very childish manner, "Yes dear brother than you can take her to.."

"Alice" he said sharply cutting her off as I got up and headed to the kitchen to put the kettle on, Edward was there before me, he filled and switched it on it as I got to its location, this was normally quite sweet but he was doing a lot of things for me to save me the trouble, all under the pretence of 'giving me a break' only he has not stopped giving me a break since he joined me and it was starting to grate a little as I lost my independence.

I could not find way to ask him to stop, I'd tried at home. I gave up at the Denali house as I felt out of place and I had no idea where things were. But here, Esme had shown me where everything was and had given me free reign of her kitchen, so tonight out of frustration and belligerence I changed the tea bag in the mug he got for me from an earl grey which I liked in the evening to a normal PG tips one, if it was the only break from him doing things for me, then changing my mind was going to be it.

"Are you alright?" he asked as I switched bags

My head raged 'of course I was alright I wanted to make tea for myself, unstiffen with a little amble round the kitchen to warm my stiff and painful ankle up before I had to climb three flights of stairs' or at least thought about it, I was invariably carried like a child in his haste to be next to me.

"yes, just a little stiff" I answered deviating from his question to answer the one I knew was coming having seen him look at my leg as I hobbled after him.

How can I be mad at him? He was doing what he thought was right... he cared so much for me, everything he did was out of love, out of passion and he took pride in doing them too, it felt like I was on a pedestal when we were with the Denali clan but it was the first time they met me having been so disappointed when I vanished, Alice told me as we flew to them. His pleasure was so obvious, how can you be mad at that, I'm not mad at my kids when they help make me tea or something nice.

I took the tea from him and thanked him for it as I hobbled towards the kitchen table not wanting to join the others, I wanted some space, he took the mug from me at the first twinge and crack of my joins as I moved. I was crying inside I wanted my independence back, I wanted to walk to the table, with my mug as I would any other day of the week fine my ankle does this at the end of a hard day or when I've sat still for more than five minutes but please... I was begging inside... "love that hurts, would you like me to ask Carlisle to take a look?" he said compassion clearly present, my blessed sweet Edward, no one in twenty years has asked if I want to see a doctor, let alone to get one for me, and my examples of my family helping in the way Edward does has been nonexistent. Christ not even my husband wanted to help me if it put him out in anyway. I only got a hot drink if I asked for one; I just need space I can feel myself slipping closer to the edge. Why can't he see?

I shook my head and he passed it off as me being stubborn, hell yes and staunchly so, I like being independent it makes me feel human and I liked my own space sometimes, as I took the seat that put my back to the rest of the house and curled round the mug he placed on the table in front of me before he ruffled my hair and going back to his family.

"Hay you" Alice sang as she joined me as I took the first sip, I was doomed not to have any head space. I stared incessantly into my mug as she jabbered about colours and styles that would suit the girls, there was apparently a hair salon at the mall and she'd seen there were appointments open for tomorrow she wants the girls hair cut to new styles? it all became a blur of noise as I methodically switched from sipping and starring into the mug as the grey liquid slowly vanished till there was just the dregs and the traces of tea leaf dust that had escaped at the bottom which I swished around absentmindedly.

I could still hear her yakking as I got up, rinsed my mug and placed it in the dishwasher and headed up stairs after I announced to them all "Night" I was on the sixth step for a change when, whoosh I was in the air and two strong arms were holding me, cold lips on my cheek and the rest of the staircase was a blur as Edward raced me upstairs. I know I love being in bed with him and the world stopped spinning for us both but.. I can walk and it did nothing to help my ankle when I went to the bathroom and climbed into bed.

I slept well in Edward's arms. Apparently I said a few things that made him smile but he would not tell me what they were, he mentioned I said 'I did not want to fall' a few times and asked me what it meant, I have no intention of telling him I have caused him enough pain already, but I did wish for once he muttered stuff from his subconscious so I could hear it at least or tease him but it's a stupid thing to wish for. He had started before the wedding, uttering his thoughts to me, not his thoughts as such but random stuff that filtered in there; worries about Alice not going over board as she's blocking him and how he finds it frustrating when she does that to him kind of thing..

Shopping was..

Interesting, Alice and Rosalie took the girls off to get them new party outfits for home and the birthday season which was about to start again, and they had their hair's cut... well at least what ever they do it will grow out again, I did tell Alice Bea needs her hair long enough to go up for school, I think that bit was missed somehow and there is a colour in it? Seven year olds do not need a pink streak neither does a 2 year old... best say no more about it but I am... "Ah Alice... I'm going to get a letter from the school about regulations" was about the most diplomatic I could be at the time. There were more items for their house.. I could not think what else was needed it was well stocked, does Alice not grasp the concept these days of Birthday and Christmas gifts?

When I met them again they had more bags that I expected. Alice was mad at me for not having any and took me off, more dragged by the feel of my arm to shop, leaving Rosalie with the girls to find them some lunch. I like the way she is mad at me and yet I can't be mad at her for my kids hair? Wash out hair colour is great but it will take an age and to get pink what happened to the brown? Ahhh.. I could bearly contain my rage.

I hate shopping, but I was at least grateful for Alice, knowing nothing I purchase will look stupid or frumpy on me, when the sales assistant calmly said 'now that's nice' when even I can see its not, this is another reason why I go to Holland once a year I always get great service when I go to V&D or Bijenkrof. C&A is fab for my size and pocket but I'm on my own for assistance thought so it's touch and go. In the end I came away with a few pairs of trousers and a selection of tops I could wear for work and dress down for home; Alice got me a surprise gift, which I am not so sure of as it was in a small bag. She would not say what it was, but assured me it was not sexy lingerie when we stopped for a sandwich and she placed the bag as a tease on the table between us, before we met Rosalie and the girl at the car to drive home.

I had completely forgotten about Alice's show and tell sessions, "How lovely" was the only phrase I could use with the girls within earshot, oh crap was screaming in my head as I watched her dress the children in their matching dresses, I'd have pouted but this really is not the beahaviour of a thirty seven year old but they looked good I have to say and they did like being the same dresses at parties which is great for spotting them in a crowd and the hair colour did match perfectly but, will not with a brown and blue school uniform and the other clothes in their wardrobe...

Alice showed us her selection, I have no idea how Rose got out of the whole charade, I would have to learn her secret or trade bodies with her as it was my turn, I changed in the washroom downstairs and came out showing off my clothes. Alice commented on how I could dress it up and down depending on my mood, she tried to criticise my choice in trouser but failed as Esme piped up that for my line of work too fancy would get trashed far too quickly.

Finally the surprise item, Alice joined me in the washroom as I pulled my jeans on refusing to flaunt myself further. We had an argument, that was an understatement, I started off quietly saying no and explaining about my fat legs, my saggy body bits, which fell on its preverbal as the swimsuit was one of those ones designed to hold in and up all that sagged and bagged, so I blew my stack.. Hell I did not want to parade out there in front of everyone in a swimsuit. I swear the woman has no idea of the word NO.

I could not go out into the room, to let Edward and the others see me like that.. The shame the embarrassment, the fear, I heard Esme, Jasper and Edward warn her to leave me alone, then it happened as she was pulling me to turn me so she could unfasten my jeans to get them off, I heard and felt a rip at the seat of my jeans and my skin got cold from my right hip to my left cheek and she gasped and let go as if I'd burnt her or something.

I swing round feeling my ass and thigh through the huge whole she'd just torn, exposing to her a huge proportion of my puckered and heavily scared skin. I knew Edward would have seen or may have seen I had no idea for sure my head was spinning so fast as shock and panic set in. I was sure as soon as the rip was heard and she gasped he'd tune into her. I backed away into the corner feeling winded as I tried to hide on the floor by the toilet, no way of escape the towels were small guest sized ones so took my fleecy jacket off and tried to tie it round my middle.

It did not matter what I did I knew as soon as I walked from this door they will all see.. I could not get up stairs fast enough for their eyes. I broke down in anger and defeated as I punched the floor tiles repeatedly with the heal of my hand in my frustration.

"I'm sorry, Bella. I didn't.. see." Alice said stuned and stuttering.

"LEAVE ME ALONE" Edward was at the door knocking politely

I heard "Emma, are you alright?" knowing by his choice of name my girls were still in the room.

"GO AWAY" I said through gritted teeth, he could not see me like this.

Alice turned to the closed door and said apologetically "I'm sorry Edward I did not know.. I did not see... and she would look so good in this suit, it would hide and support all the things she does not like... I did not see this.. Emma I'm sorry" she said turning to me lowering herself to my level with her palm up and then turning back to the door to ask "what is it?, What caused...?" she cut herself off and turned back to me wide eyed as I rushed her, pushing and hitting her solid rock shoulders and arms in blind anger.. I gave up after a few hits the pain was too great in my hands and she did not flinch a bit. I'd given up completely trapped and cornered, I mentally resigned myself back to a safe place and pushed everything my heart lived for back into its box for safe keeping, before I lost my footing and fell "Bella NO" she said forcibly as Edward said the same thing, I felt like ice had just run down my spine hearing him echo her words.

"Rosalie, Emmett" I heard Edward say with a strong controlling voice "I think the girls would like to see who's in the paddock. Esme... Would you take Emma upstairs please?"

There was a knock at the door and Rosalie not Esme appeared with a bathrobe, "I'll take you upstairs, come on it's alright, Esme is with the children, looking at the pony's they need names" She said as she dismissed Alice and Edward with a stern look as she passed their statue still forms and softly helped my shaking body off the floor and wrapping the bathrobe round me hiding my disgrace from further view, then with a strong arm round my shoulders she steered me past Alice to whom she shot dagger filled glares as well as a few vamp speed comments and into the now empty living room and step by step up to Edwards room.

I was loosing my grip on reality, this felt like the final catalyst, I wanted to scream and hit out at something, I was so mad at myself. This family were walking on egg shells because of me; they had already adjusted their home and lives to accommodate us humans. We did not deserve it we should not be here to cause more pain. I felt the world pushing me closer to the edge of my sanity as I fought to stay upright and not fall, I grabbed everything in me that was Edward and rammed it in the Box he unwittingly opened when he first touched me at New Year's, I could be without him to keep them all safe if I had back all the memories that were him in my life.

My head spun out of control, my scars were just a mere drop in the ocean to this, what I'd bottled up and buried for so many years, I was feeling guilty for being the cause of so much, I could see or at least feel the strain on the family I loved, when I entered the house yesterday, the effort they put in to provide an amazing space for my children, to provide security 'just in case' why? I did not deserve this, I let them down, Christ I know if they had looked for me they would be dead and it was them living that gave me the strength to live to find a way to survive my 'dark times' in Italy.

What I look like, I hate what I am in comparison to them I am plain, dull and so not as beautiful as Rosalie, Esme or Tanya now I've seen her, and with the scars I am... I have no words, why would Edward want to love me, like this, and older and unfit and fat and... the list rolled on in my head, who would want to touch my ass and be intimate with me? The other night I was just kidding myself, lost in his hypnotic scent.

Being here with them, I felt at odds with myself, at home in England I was Emma with a splash of Bella, I'd moulded my life around hers and over time changed people's perception of Emma as she grew up to a woman and into me. I am Emma; A Human, with two children whose husband died when they were attacked, la la la etc... Ahhhh I hate it, I hate me for living.

Now there is Edward and suddenly the forever hidden off stage party of my life is pushed into the limelight and... I have stage fright.. as I see Aro's wroth and I'm so scared for my children and what will happen, not one of the Cullen's deserves to die trying to help me, I brought this upon myself. To be here, to fall even further in love with Edward to want him so desperately it is all wrong.

I managed to open my eyes when as the door closed, there was a mug of tea and some chocolate on the side for me, I felt bad now for Jasper he can feel what I'm feeling and its killing me so what's it doing to him... "Rosalie, I am sorry... You don't need this, I am ... I should not be here" she shook her head, rubbing my shoulders as I shook with the effort to hold myself together within the robe. I grabbed the tea automatically and drank the hot liquid scalding my throat, glad to feel the pain, glad for its punishment on me as I was numb all over.

The window was open and I hurled the empty mug out with all the force I had feeling a little better to expel some of the angry energy rather than not finding a suitable outlet. I did not hear the mug smash so I have no idea who caught it, it was a frustrating disappointment but also a relief not to have broken something of Esme's, I could do without more guilt now.

"Its Alice, sometimes she does not see what's in front of her" Rosalie's tone changed to one of compassion as she looked at me and said "Bella, I know what happened to you, and I am here if you want to talk about it" she pointed to my waist, she thought this was all related to my rape, it was in a way but it was the last but one straw and the one that felt would loose me Edward.

"Rosalie what is there to say?" I said sitting dumbfounded on the edge of the bed, feeling more lost in my head and fighting hard to stay away from the edge.

"Come on get changed, you will feel better when you're out of those pants, here" she handed me a fresh pair and walked me to the bathroom so I could change. I dropped my ripped jeans and stood staring at the torn fabric pooled in a heap on the floor and up at my underwear'd self in the long mirror.

I was aware I was falling, not like the fall into my pit but like falling down the manhole in Volterra when Edward let go and Alice eventual caught me it was as if it were the other way round, Alice let go and I was waiting for Edward to catch me, but I was alone as I looked at myself, who am I? I hated what I saw and I broke down. God this was stupid, I knew it was but I could not stop, I had nothing left in me to fight it with as my old memories and wants collided with Emma's.

As I stared at myself, part of me, the Emma part ranted 'I should have said and shown him this sooner, he will not like it and that I've deceived him hiding this' the Bella part screamed 'Edward will go mental at what they did, he's already reacted badly when you told him the more humane and shareable aspects of what happened while you were missing, I am constant reminder of how he thinks he failed me, how can I be with him and do that.. I am not that selfish'

My internal schizophrenic berating was halted by a knock at the bedroom door, I'd know that knock anywhere it was Edward he uses that same knock every night before he joins me to make sure I'm decent. Part of me wanted him to go away the other needed him so desperately to keep me together.

"Go away Edward, not now" I heard Rosalie snap, reliving the part that wanted him away and making the part of me loose its grip got a little closer to the edge now he was pushed from me and not given a choice.

Emma felt dirty again, violated, I found I was showering in cold water. She felt so numb at being exposed like that, that she scrubbed and scrubbed at my legs and back with the scouring brush till it burned as the soap and water hit it. Rosalie was in like a shot and turned the taps off. I was mentally and physically numb but it felt good to feel her pulling me out and grab my hands before I made myself bleed, she was not angry with me as she wrapped a warm fluffy towel round me and put the bathrobe back over my shoulders, it was like having a big sister "Come on get warm, it's alright" she kept saying as she pulled me from the bathroom and sat me on the bed drying my hair in a towel, she rubbed my lower legs and feet dry before swinging them up into bed and covering me with the quilt tucking me in well to seal in my body heat.

'I was not a child', I wanted to scream at her but lost in how afraid I was and cried confused tears as she stroked my head and back soothing me with comforting words. "You are an amazingly strong woman, Bella, you survived so much and this, you can do it again I know you can, come on Shh, it's alright you are safe here" Part of me the thirty seven year old mother of two wanted to relax into her comfort but the Emma part was not letting go she could see the edge getting dangerously close.

"Not now Alice" Rosalie said to the door before I heard anything. "No" she replied to a question I did not hear. "Yes Esme please come in" she said in a lighter softer tone.

I saw through my tear filled eyes the door open and Esme walk in carrying a hot water bottle. Before the door closed I saw them on the landing with such pain in their faces, how can I do this to them, I need to go, I need to leave I felt myself want to say as she tucked it in under the covers.

"Bella, I am sorry about what happened, We understand..." she said to me. it was weird, Esme did not know about my internal rage she was only concerned with what happened in the bathroom as she continued "Rosalie knows what you went through, talk to her" she added as she tucked the covers over my shivering body.

I looked at Rosalie hard and my fuzzy memory remembered her story. _'Royce_?' I did survive my attach and she did not... and I broke down again for a moment as I realised how painful this must be for her, to have to think about it again because of me but her gentle cold arms rubbed and soothed as if it was not affecting her.

Edward burst in he looked so angry, it made me jump and curl up more as I saw Alice cower a little way back by the banister in the hallway and Jasper holding her lovingly. She signed to me 'sorry' which I just caught before the door shut. "Bella Love," I heard not seeing him move from the door to the bed his voice was so gently between hiss's at Rosalie. "Stop it Rose" he snapped before continuing in his gently tone "Please don't do this, don't leave me.. Please, I am here Love, I am here" he kissed my head and knelt on the floor panting for breath.

'Ah! someone kill me', my head screamed at me, his family are doing so much for me and my girls, we do not deserve it, we cannot repay their kindness, all I do is cause more of the pain and anguish as a result of our years apart and he knows I want to go..."Bella Love" Edward said soothingly between soft glances at me and hard ones to Rosalie "Jasper, is asking you to... stop, you have too many emotions happening at once, he feels it is not good for you, please Bella" it was as if he'd put his pain of me wanting to leave aside and was focusing on the here and now, he must have felt something from Jasper as soon as he walked in, I did feel better for hearing and seeing him if nothing more than to absorb more memories.

"Edward" I forced out as I swallowed hard, finding the strength from somewhere within me to speak, as I fought with every one of the emotions he was referring to. I wanted to say 'I am lost... I am afraid... I do not belong here' but I was shivering too much as I tried to fight with myself for my sanity.

Both he and Rose snapped at the door "NO ALICE" I felt so bad for her, she did nothing wrong, the swimsuit was truly a nice surprise, I'd seen these ones before but there was no way I would afford them, and now I just could not wear it in public. I was flattered she got me it, but I just did not want to try it on with an audience, my body is too much of an embarrassment and reminder of.. Well then.

During the day I remember feeling Emma drifting to the back ground and Bella awaking, only she is lost and confused as to why she has children that are not Edwards or why she is feeling what she is feeling, and why Edward is alive when she feels so convinced that Edward should be dead.

I know to survive my days captive I pulled every image and every feeling of Edward I had and forced it into everything I did to help me through the first year, then when I was having to be Emma, I found ways of keeping him alive within me. When he died... Oh! How I died too.. and Emma took over and carried on... leaving Bella in limbo.

"Stop it, she's not to blame here" I said painfully in response to them yelling at Alice as I looked at Edward's golden unblinking eyes, the eyes Bella remembers with such affection, such love they made her feel safe, when Bella stands up inside me he is what she sees he is her forever, her saviour. But to the amalgamation of Emma and Bella the Bella/Emma being with him causes more pain, I cannot loose him again, I have to do as he once said and be the stronger and end this facade before he really dies.

"No Bella don't do this" Edward said startled. It was as if he read my mind but how could he? My head hurt and working it out was hard, I wish he could see what's happening inside me, if for once he could see the confusion may be he could help me?

If he could know what happened and how I felt when I opened the brown cardboard box post marked Italy containing his blue shirt and know I breathed him in for the last time and as I closed it I closed myself inside too and shut me away.

Only now I am alive and he is alive and...

I buried my head, as stronger images from my past screamed up past me I felt myself fall, " Edward, I'm falling" I gasped find a voice as I felt his hands on me, pushing Rosalie's away. My hands shot form under the covers and gripped him so tightly as shivers and shakes rocked me as I flailed my body as it free falled in my mind.

His hand found my neck and ear and rubbed. God that was nice but I pushed him off hiding further under the covers as a wave of confusion engulfed me as I wanted his touch so badly to bring me out of this but my parental instincts wanted to run from what was my life to protect them, my children and the Cullen's.

"Bella please" Edward said I could feel the pain I was causing him in his voice, but how could I want him so much when I could dam him and his family and mine? I was not the person they seem to think I am, Christ look at me, how can I let him go on loving me when so much is at stake.. I hate myself...

"No Edward" I screamed as I'd had a sudden sense of clarity and rolled pushing him back from me and standing. I stood naked in front of him Rosalie and Esme. "Look at me Edward" I yelled as he kept his face turned to the floor and his eyes screwed tight shut, I looked round and the others had averted their gaze too, I guess for his sake knowing he could not turn off his ability to see through their eyes. Knowing this did not help what I felt, no one wanted to look at me and that cut deeper than the pain I was already feeling.

"Look At Me" I said with anger and more conviction in my voice.

"Bella you don't have to do this" he said "No Bella, Please" he added pleading desperately trying so hard not to open his eyes or touch me.

I moved from the edge of the bed and away from him, looking down at him as I spoke "This is who I am, what I am, this is it, nothing more or less. I am not yet broken but I am very close to being. I am scared of so much. I am hurting your family and putting them in danger being here, no matter how many times you say I am not and I should not worry it is there etched on your face. You say you want me? How? how can you want to be with me? How can I... Oh for Christ Sake Edward look at me, it won't actually kill you to look"

"I want you so much, I need you but I can't be with you and know that every time to look at me you'll be reminded of everything that happened, I am afraid to let you see what I am, I can't carry on hiding this from you cause I am afraid to see your face sour and know I lied to you if our relationship goes further that what we had now. Just because you keep telling me everything is fine, everything is alright and not to worry about you or the rest of your family.. Edward I see the pain I caused you all in the last twenty years"

Tears filled my eyes and ran down my face as I continued "I don't want to say the words, Edward... but I can't be with you and not know... what you feel, to let you live without seeing this... just because I don't want to say. G...G... Goo" I could not say goodbye it tore at my heart so badly "Edward it is too late for us, too much time has passed, I need to keep you safe, I need you all to be safe, I am afraid if I go on living with you knowing that everytime you look at me, you will be reminded, I don't want you to hate me for what you see" I swung round to look at Esme and Rosalie but they were not there, I never heard them leave but the bathrobe was now on top if the bedding as to being crumpled in with the towel in the covers I'd pushed them aside.

"This is not just about what I look like now, but it's the only thing I fear enough to give me the strength to leave you, so I can't hurt you anymore" that was it I was gone, I could not see if he was looking at me or not, in my head the edge of my pit was millimetres away and I was immensely calm and focused as I stood looking over the edge waiting for the final grains of dust to vanish and send me tumbling.

Silence marked the end as my feet slid in a slow motion effect.

I knew when I hit the bottom and will, as the sun rose get up and find a way out. I'd get home and get on with my life a day at a time, knowing that the man I love with all my heart, mind and soul is alive and will stay that way now I am away from him. I felt my body sway a little as it tumbled, then it was heavy as if I was clamped inside something unable to move, I think I felt cold patches on my body then weightlessness as I felt myself tumble a little more, a cool breaze hit my belly every so often, it was so soothing to feel it.

Put my head back to let myself fall harder, to get it over with faster, it felt like the edges of the pit were roughly wizzing past my body, I felt cold for a while as the speed to which I fell increased dramaticly, then I stopped, the falling part was over at least and came to rest, the bottom felt soft under me. I did not have the will to move...

Edwards up next to fill in the gaps and continue this, he needs to have his say I think having not heard from him since New Year's.. at least she knows she loves him, and that she is now the stronger of the pair of them to leave using Edwards theory..

it is a human condition this guilt thing... it cuts you up and spits you out, poor Bella she is stuck. Her heart over his sanity?

"Hi" to those of you who are now tracking this...

PP


	21. Soul Mates

I don't own Twilight or any of the characters from it...

This one contains Lemons - you have been warned

* * *

Soul Mates

EPOV

I heard Bella say no to Alice in a tone I'd heard back in England when she is angry with her girls it indicated that enough was enough so to speak, only her tone was not just stern it shook minutely with an edge of fear, what was my sister doing? Then I heard the rip, I looked when I heard the gasp. Oh my Bella, my sweet Bella I have seen these through the eyes of the children but in their eyes it is normal and the image blurred as a result. Through Alice it was real, harsh and sickeningly brutal. No wonder Bella was angry with my sister and so defiant in her resistance.

I went over to find out what was wrong as I heard Alice stutter out "I'm sorry, Bella. I didn't.. see." I saw from Alice's head that she had not seen this event; she had seen Bella look amazing in the swimsuit and her legs smooth from the front, Alice did not contemplated a rear view as it were and as a result did not see this.

I heard her scream out with force "LEAVE ME ALONE"

I thought to rescue her and knocked politely "Emma, are you alright?" I asked. I was taken aback when she snapped "GO AWAY" at me?

My darn sister, why did she have to always push Bella, it was the same before Bella left... her head is full of remorse and apology, I was angry with her for upsetting my Bella, she should feel as she does, my poor Bella "I'm sorry Edward I did not know.. I did not see... and she would look so good in this suit" I can see that having seen Alice's image, she looked good, dam good in fact, I would have been more than a little turned on if Bella had worn the suite outside this space. I'm glad Bella had the sense to refuse even if this is the outcome.

I wish my sister would shut up about how it would push up and hold in, I can clearly see the positive effects of the garment.. Good she's apologising to Bella again. I had no answer as I heard Alice's next question in her head. '_Edward.. Did the bastards who attached them do this? What created, what did they use?' _as every object she pictured that could do damage like this flashed through her head, then she voiced her question "what is it?, What caused...?"

She was cut off as I heard movement and through Alice I watched Bella launching herself at my sister she used a lot of physical effort, pushing and hitting Alice's rock solid form, her eyes enraged when I caught a glimpse of them from Alice, I have never seen Bella like this in all the years I knew her.

When she stopped it looked like she was in pain in her hands and her face and body contorted as if she were gathering herself. Then I saw it in Alice's vision, she's leaving me, she wants nothing more to do with me or my family, she is removing herself from us and her life ends as soon as the last child dies, I've seen her method as she goes to the cliffs somewhere drunk and she walks... she must have been planning this for a while the image is too complete for a spit second suicide bid, Alice and I echoed "Bella NO".

I was filled with as much pain as I felt when I found out she was missing, my insides felt as if they were about to implode, I could not live without her, the tear in my heart did not rattle around as it had been, it was motionless and heavy in my chest as Bella's choices to fly back to England alone repeated in my head making the pain worse... cut off, ended. I will find a way to die too if she does for sure this time..

My head was as Bella explains flat spinning, rational thought was gone as fear and panic set in, in a way I was not used to experiencing, I will do anything to change her mind, anything she wants and needs; I cannot be without my Bella... _'STOP IT my internal voice screamed at me, she is not gone yet, don't give up.. Fight'_.

I pushed with some effort all I was feeling to the side and focused hard on the here and now, Bella needed to be got out of that Bathroom her vital signs were screaming at me that she was panicking and feeling trapped.

What to do first? Ah! The children should not witness their mothers distress. "Rosalie, Emmett" I called in as light and controlled a voice as I could muster "I think the girls would like to see who's in the paddock" hoping to spark some excitement in the children who were concerned for their mother and my sister knowing how she spoke to her they know how she tells them off when she is that angry and talks quietly that's when they are really in trouble. It would be laughable if I'd not seem my love leaving me.

I need to get Bella up to our room, to a space she felt comfortable in, I ushered my brothers and father out so she could not hear, I replied to Esme's question 'is she hurt?" before I spoke to her in as relaxed a voice as possible she would look after my Bella for me, she's seem my face when Alice and I both yelled out and came to the same conclusion. "Esme... Would you take Emma upstairs please?" I prayed Bella would go with Esme, her compassionate side would winner her over while I dealt with my sister.

I saw Rosalie Blur past me appearing with a bathrobe from the laundry room knocking on the door, I hadn't done anything why was she giving me daggers? Its my love in there Alice has hurt, what the? Her mind was enraged with the cussing she gave us after she was changed and recovering mentally from her rape... she had no idea what I had seen, what the future was, she just saw the here and now and her mind was focused on how Bella was feeling about her attack and why she hid her scars and the reason she is reacting as she is, I saw in her a new side of the situation, my Bella was ashamed of having her scars revealed?

Rosalie's empathetically tone was soft and caring, "I'll take you upstairs, come on it's alright, Esme is with the children looking at the pony's they need names" She said informing Bella that the children were safe and distracted, I still did not like the way she dismissed me, it was not my fault? Alice deserved the looks she was handing out to us.

When Rose entered I saw my Bella shaking on the floor with her fleece around her middle failing to cover the extent of the rip in her jeans, I was glad for the bathrobe my sister wrapped her in as she escorted my love past me, her mind and words were evil for putting Bella through this, she thinks we should know better than to push her like this, it is not my fault, I wish she would see this, I may be able to read minds but I was not at the Mall, I or no one for that fact can stop Alice when she's on a roll.

It hurt that I could not go to her, I felt it inappropriate to attend as she needed to change and the knowledge that my relationship with her was, in Bella's mind over, she had not voiced it yet which only gave me a modicum of hope.

Jasper ghosted through the house with a mug of tea and for the first time here a chocolate bar, he was sending her his message he needed to elevate the emotional headache Bella was sending out, I'd say he was being hit by waves, but in reality it felt more like sledge hammers and scythes of emotions, hit after hit of confusion, fear, love, terror, the blanket ones were those of absolute loss and loneliness, these covered all the others, I knew what they were and felt them fill me as much as they were Jasper.

Terror ran almost constantly as much as fear which subsided as the loneliness ones covered and settled in, he felt her barriers come down and it went emotionally dead for a second as Alice and I yelled at the same time, it was eerie and something I'd never experienced before from him except from a corps, if it was not for Alice's sight I was looking through and the heat beat I would have thought Bella died.

I hope the tea works, it was a surprise to see that it worked at all this none verbal heads up he gives her seems so out of character for Jasper but he knows from before how much she hated him using it on her I guess they found a compromise, I felt it the other night when we were at the Denali house, then I saw his note to her and she seemed to settle, but he was controlling her to help her talk, I wish he did not have to do it but she needs to find a way of escape for all her pent up feelings.

I heard the girls at the Paddock, little Alice is a little unnerved by the pony's in their stables but Beatrice is enthralled, I am glad my mother is there with them, Emmett is a little gun hoe as Bella puts it with them sometimes and he is like that now. But I need to follow Bella as Jasper goes to his wife, I'm sorry for Alice, she means well but.. Ah..

I hear Bella's shaky and weak voice as she speaks to my sister, she is always thinking of others even now "Rosalie, I am sorry... You don't need this, I am ... I should not be here" my sister thinks the same as me by the looks of her mind, but I am sure Bella is hiding more of what's going on as Rose shakes her head, rubbing Bella's shoulders I hate not being there for her I can feel her shake within the robe from Rosalie.

At least she's drinking the tea, it made me smile a little to see this, but the way she screwed her eyes and the way she swallowed it down it was as if she was taken over by the blood lust we feel when we take the first bite. She did not stop for breath as she drank and I calculated the length of time it had been made and realised it would have been far too hot, this is when she normally blows on it or breaths in the vapours and takes a few gentle sips of it.. Not drinking it like this?

As she finished she gasped and from Rosalie's mind I could tell she'd scalded her throat, the smell of blood pooling in her exhailed breath making the scent stronger and the smell of hot blood and flesh as to body temperature was also very apparent. _Dam you Bella what are you doing?_ and I was not expecting her to pitch the mug out the window; her aim was much better than how it used to be.

I cringed as I half expected it to hit the window on either side, she grunted as she threw with exertion of force. I called out a heads up to Emmett who caught the mug before it hit the ground, I'm not sure Esme would be pleased if something was broken but I had the feeling tonight she would not mind, she and Carlisle are forever watching her for a breaking point and they have seen tiny signs but nothing conclusive as yet. I wonder if this is it, as does Carlisle whose thoughts are strong and loud from his study as he thumbs through his books in search of an answer.

Rosalie's compassionate tone answered Bella "Its Alice, sometimes she does not see what's in front of her" I heard her take a breath and in her mind she needed to tell Bella it was alright to talk about her attack "Bella, I know what happened to you, and I am here if you want to talk about it" even so she could not use the word rape as I saw she pointed to Bella's waist.

"Rosalie what is there to say?" I heard Bella whisper in response, weakness pouring from her, I needed to be with her, to hold my Bella.

Ah! At last Rose has asked Bella to change, I can join them. I put my hand out for the handle and am shot down by my sister, I've been in our room when she's changed in the bathroom before, I can restrain myself from the temptation, I just need to be with her, I don't like the amount of hate I feel rolling from my Bella through Jasper, its unnerving me.

I hear running water, good Bella's taking a shower; hopefully this will help clear her mind a hot shower does that, but in Rosalie's head she feels concern, she smells cold water and I can hear for myself the sound of the scouring brush Bella has in her wash bag rubbing on skin.. Oh for the love of ... I've just seen my Bella scratching her legs hard with that thing, they are red raw "Rose please do something to stop her" I screamed at her at vamp speed as she pulls her from the shower holding her hands in a vice like grip, "No.. use the fresh towel's they are softer, there behind you on the chair" I snapped trying to keep my eyes out of Rosalie's head and away from Bella's gloriously mature body.

Rosalie soothed Bella with reassuring words considering their history "You are an amazingly strong woman, Bella, you survived so much and this, you can do it again I know you can, come on Shh, it's alright you are safe here" yes, its working I can feel the hate Jasper feels from her subside but she is still confused and he is still struggling with the entangled mess that is still coming from Bella.

Alice joined us outside our room I wish she would stop trying to say sorry again for what she has done, I'm not sure if I am in the right frame of mind to hear her thoughts and repeated apology she knows I saw the decision Bella made about leaving and it's because of her actions that this choice was made.

"Not now Alice" Rosalie replied to her request to enter.

At vampire volume Alice tried to convince Rosalie to let her in "she is going to switch off if we don't do something she has to know I'm sorry before she"

Rosalie was angry with us for pushing Bella to far, she knew as well as everyone else what Carlisle and Esme were watching for and she was now protecting her from the catalyst as she sapped "No" and as Esme, poured hot water in to the hot water bottle in the kitchen and headed up the stairs to us, she did not need to knock at the door as Rosalie said "Yes Esme please come in" as she walked past us.

I saw briefly my Bella, huddled in our bed, hunched up and before the door closed I am sure she saw me and the others, we were not exactly our usual happy selves, not one of us had a smile on our faces and I saw more of Bella's determination to leave in a fresh vision of Alice as Jasper near doubled as he felt despair slice through him.

My Mother, calm and comforting with such compassion tucked the bottle in with Bella and covered her back up explaining "Bella, I am sorry about what happened, We understand...Rosalie knows what you went through, talk to her"

Good she is reacting to Esme's words, I can see it on her face, so why is she crying again? I don't understand? Enough of this I'm going in.. "Bella Love," I said to her and to Rosalie at vamp volume and speed "You have no idea what this is all about, it's my room and my Bella, I will be with her.. let me..."

She cut me off screaming at me so Bella cannot hear "you're the last person she will want to see, you're a man and they did this to her, have to no..." Esme cut us I off completely, suggesting that we focus on Bella for now and not our issues with what happened, it was obvious to her that me being in here was calming her a little.

I did not want Rosalie to continue either and yelled "Stop it Rose" then I turned to my Bella in as gently and calm a tone as I could find "Please don't do this, don't leave me" I was begging her from the bottom of my stone cold heart.. "Please, I am here Love, I am here" and I kissed her head and knelt on the floor.

I waited as long as I could stand before I spoke again "Bella Love" she needs to know what Jasper is asking as much as Rosalie is objecting in my head "Jasper, is asking you to... stop, you have too many emotions happening at once, he feels it is not good for you, please Bella"

The sweetest sound I've heard came from her lips "Edward"

For the love of.. dose Alice not give up? Both Rose and I shouted this time "NO ALICE"

I did not expect Bella to defend the annoying pixie but she did and she found her voice to do it too "Stop it, she's not to blame here" she said and her eyes found mine and I felling into them, finding her pain as I lost myself further and the deeper I went, I love this woman and cannot let her leave me.

I mustered myself to speak again "No Bella don't do this"

She cut me off. Repeating words I'd only heard in her dreams and nightmares "Edward, I'm falling" she grabbed my hand so tightly after I replaced Rosalie's with mine, I knew she needed me and hope filled my heart again, I did not like the way she shook ever so slightly but it had me on the back foot again wondering what was going on in that head of hers, oh to see now, maybe I could help her?

I rubbed her neck and ear with my hand, it soothed her in the past I had to try, it stung when she pushed me off "Bella please" I said to her loosing the control in my voice. I hope she cannot see the pain I'm in at the thought of loosing.

She screamed at me "No Edward" it was as if something had possessed her everything about her changed and it scared the.. what's its out of me when she got out of bed, naked and stood in front me, thank goodness Esme and Rose closed their eyes for me as Bella yelled at me to look at her, she was angry, like she is when she has to ask Beatrice to do something more than twice.

What can I do, I'm trapped now, "Bella you don't have to do this" I said to her hoping she would cover up with the robe Rosalie has just pulled from the bed for her. I know from the sounds I'm hearing that she has not put it on, as I raise my hands to her trying not to touch, part of my brain was off on a tangent begging me to peep at her, wanting to see her like this as it has wanted so for years.

Now she is offering herself to me so openly, so freely. Begging me to look at her. I felt so retched kneeling at her feet, I can smell her womanly scents calling me, but this was not the time or place for such lurid thoughts "No Bella, Please" I said desperately trying not to open my eyes screwing them tighter shut, clenching my fists to my sides to stop them from touching her.

I was glad she moved from me, when she spoke again she was calmer, freakily so "This is who I am, what I am, this is it, nothing more or less. I am not yet broken but I am very close to being. I am scared of so much. I am hurting your family and putting them in danger being here, no matter how many times you say I am not and I should not worry it is there etched on your face"

"You want me? How? how can you want to be with me? How can I... Oh for Christ Sake Edward look at me, it won't actually kill you to look"

_'Yes it will, yes it will, it will dam me to hell I am sure of that..._' my internal gentleman and upbringing screamed at me. Lord she was horny when she yelled at me to look at her, my hormonal human side pushed me to peek, just a little... to see what was on offer to me all those years ago and what could be mine if I stopped her from leaving.

She continued answering some of my inner questions, giving me more hope that I could convince her to stay "I want you so much, I need you but I can't be with you and know that every time you look at me you'll be reminded of everything that happened, I am afraid to let you see what I am, afraid to not show you and one day see your face sour and know I lied to you as I hid this. Just because you keep telling me everything is fine, everything is alright and not to worry about you or your family when I see the pain I caused you all in the last twenty years"

My head screamed at her, Oh no Bella, No, you should not worry about these things, we know what we failed to do and why, it is not your pain to carry, we all are so glad to see you back with us safe. Yes it hurts when we see the effect the time has caused but Bella love... I want you too... but I could not voice my words without her seeing my eyes to know I was telling her the truth.

I smelt the salty tears but did not hear her cry as she went on filling my heart with terror as she stumbled over her words, fighting to say them "I don't want to say the words, Edward... but I can't be with you and not know... what you feel, to let you live without seeing this... just because I don't want to say. G...G... Goo" Don't say it please don't say it please Bella, I beg you, I can't breath Bella please I wanted to say but could not find a word that would form on my lips as my entire self braced for impact.

"Edward it is too late for us, too much time has passed, I need to keep you safe, I need you all to be safe, the Volturi will find you and.. I can't live with that, just as I can't carry this on knowing I don't deserve you when I look like this" I looked at her the need to see her one last time now far too great to keep my eyes off her naked form as I heard her turn, knowing my mother and sister had already left the room by the window as soon as they could.

How could see why she thinks I would not like what I see? I see her, I see maturity, beauty and a life in the body before me, she can loose the weight we have been working on that already changing her diet and taking walks together we have already discussed this, what is the problem? she said she was scared, I can see them all so clearly her belly sags yes, I knew that from seeing her in her night clothes, the stretch marks are a beautiful testament to the life her body gave to those two little girls, I want to kiss each one for growing them so perfectly.

Her breasts, pendulous and magnificent certainly more than when she was younger, I would guess them swelling with milk had this effect; it is hard to take my eyes of them. How can I resist not wanting to touch and kiss them when I've dreamed of such on more occasions that I care to acknowledge and have so nearly been undone by their heat when she rolls pinning my hands to them in her sleep when I have been too distracted to realise.

I can see the single scar runs from her breast to her hip, it pains me to know that this was caused by a single blow and its uninterrupted straightness indicates she did not or could not defend herself from this, if I mentally realign her body it is clear that someone held her with her arms behind her head when it happened and it makes me angry at the pain someone caused my love but it does not make me hate her for them. I can see other imperfections which can be put to age and her tendency for accidents, having said this she is less clumsy and accident prone these days.

When she turned to look for Esme and Rosalie, I saw for myself the scars she was so afraid me seeing, she was right, she always was, I felt every emotion she warned of engulf me for not being there to save her from this. I moved myself unwittingly so I could see her backside and thigh scars better and I swallowed hard as I calculated the effort a human would have used to create them, I want to hunt them down and rip their throats out, I want to torture the men who did this to my love, to the woman if Aro had not taken would be my wife now and none of this would have happened.

I want to beat them with the same chains till they bleed like she did, and continued till their lives were marked like this. So this is my first and last look at her, she is one hundred percent the woman I love, I adore, she is not sharing herself with Emma now, how I wish I could show emotions like she is, I wish I could weep, I am being torn apart on my knees, love hurts, the time apart hurts.

As I heard her take a breath to finish her sentence and she deal the final blow "This is not just about what I look like now, but it's the only thing I fear enough to give me the strength to leave you, so I can't hurt you anymore" it was my sentiment she was repeating? What? No Bella, that was wrong all wrong being strong enough to leave for the other to survive is.. No Bella No.. Please

I watched her shut down, her face, arms relaxed, then the tension went from the rest of her body, as Jasper's onslaught subsided as if someone had tipped the bucket over and was pouring them away, it was too fast he was saying to me and to Carlisle when he emerged from his office sensing the change in everyone. I've watched her relax like this many nights when she was asleep but never with her standing, she is swaying a little and will fall.

There is no one else in here but me, I touch her and she does not move, I feel the softness of her skin, its warmth calling me, I can't give in to the want my body has right now as she stands before me, glorious, beautiful, my Bella a woman.

She is so brave, so courageous, but going by the way she is swaying she may topple if she stands like this much longer, I want to kiss her so much, kiss her everywhere, I am... proud? yes proud of her bravery I never knew a human could withstand so much, the scars go beyond what Rosalie suffered, I am again amazed by my Bella.

The blood loss would have been immense, she mentioned she absorbed venom, it could have still been in her system and helped her heal, I wonder if this is her reason for being here today? I stand quickly when I see her wobble more noticeably, she is as still as anything if she falls she will topple like a bowling pin into the bed post and crack her head open.

I put my arms around her as best I can without touching or hurting her and wrapping my arms around her back keeping my hands free as my hormonal teenager wantat... the feeling of her nakedness next to me is bombarding all my senses causes me pulling me in two directions, the carnal need to plunge myself into her and the gentleman... I hold steady as these strong new feelings settle, till I feel I am in control enough to pick her up properly and move her to the bed and not take advantage.

I hope no one can see me like this, being stood as we are, it is pathetic at my age to be afraid to pick up the woman I love and take her to our bed. Yes I am afraid, more afraid I will loose my battle with myself and follow the desires of my body not my head. I hope she does not think I'm some kind of insensitive loon. But I need time to control myself, I did not realise just how much a draw her body would be, as her blood once was I know I can control myself, I always knew having sex would be a challenge for me not wanting to bite down as I released as my brothers mentioned, or break her if I lost control.

I swung her body up into my arms the scent of her assailing me further just as it did the other night. I breathed controlled breaths trying not to think of the position I have her in and that my eyes if I were to cast them down will be in line with her navel and within my field of vision are her breasts and her warm core, I felt its heat when I had her sat astride me, it was so nearly the undoing of me.

Like a robot placed her on the bed, pulling the bathrobe over her to give her some modesty, I called Alice to help dress her, as her motionless form is scarring me a little, I stand back watching Alice work pulling fresh panties and jeans up her legs, rolling her and asking me to help lift her to pull them up the last bit and I watch her do the belt up and she pull a top over her head, she did not bother with a bra, which puzzled me but in Alice's mind I see myself putting Bella to bed at my cabin in her old bed removed her jeans and socks which are damp.

Alice showed me a vision of me touching Bella inappropriately in my gentlemans mind if I were to remove her bra later, she did not want me to.. give in so easly, it was a nice thought and I was grateful, it at last removed temptation from me.

I've put Bella to bed once or twice before but not for twenty years. Alice's vision showed my decision to take Bella to my cabin, being so utterly alone helps eradicate or push Bella's decision to leave me back giving me time to change her mind, right now anything is worth a try.

Carlisle has been listening to Jasper explain the wealth of feelings he's been flooded with and has come to the conclusion that she has come to the edge of her ability to cope, she could have had a breakdown. This scared me as much as knowing she wants to leave me, Carlisle warned me about over helping and to watch for the signs when I went with them to Finland he reminded me on the flight over too when he watched me pre-empt Bella at every move, I was just trying to make things easy for her, so to avoid a breakdown, getting tea from the table in the first class lounge was a gentlemanly gesture I thought not a catalyst for this?

I can hear him through the door; he wants to make a quick examination of her before we leave. He has a theory that showing Bella what she thinks is lost forever may help her feel less lost that she has some semblance of her old self, we all at some point after being turned have actively sought aspects of our human lives out and have keep sakes from that time, me its all the bal balls and trinkets my mother wore, some of which I gave to Bella way back.

Carlisle thinks that seeing the items I saved may give her some grounding. I rebuild her room, he feels showing her may help find closure on that part of her life, but I am to tread carefully, let her lead, let her do things for herself and go slowly and I am not to take advantage. I knew this already and know I would not do that and he knows this but without the rest of my family present he thinks I may get carried away, I can see in Emmett's mind he would if the situation were him not me.

She is the love of my life, I will not do anything that would jeopardise this, but she said herself she has no family left she can go to, it's just us, I hope what I am about to do helps and makes her change her mind, without Alice's gift I am going to have to work hard.

I watch from the wall in our room as Carlisle examines Bella as Alice packs a back pack for us with a change of clothes as none of the clothes at the cabin will fit her, I hear from her head as she leaves the room that she is packing the food Esme's just put out having come in from the paddock to get the girls riding helmets from their room, Jasper is back out with them now, to give them their first riding lesson before Esme starts their supper. I hope he takes care of my wards.

Back pack on, a slumped but not unconscious Bella draped in my arms, I jump from the window cradling her close to me so I don't jolt her as I land, knowing the girls are in the stable saddling up their pony's with help from Emmett and Jasper while Esme ever watching as she takes pictures and checks the helmets, my wards will be alright with my family, they are as important to me as Bella is.

I hit the ground and ran, the freedom to run like this has always exhilarated me, more so with my love in my arms but never like this slumped and vulnerable, I am running to save our relationship to rebuild lost years and to find our first private space having never being completely alone, without distractions and interruptions since the beginning of the year.

It does not take me long to get to the base of the hill I need to climb, I take a breath looking at my love for the first time since we left the house, pull her closer and push on, her scent warming my heart as I feel it vibrate again as the tear comes back to life inside me, I crown the ridge and there with in the trees is my hide away, my shrine to all we had, all that was Isabella Marie Swan, it contains everything that was our life, her life, everything I could salvage and find that I remember her touching and using, I saved family pictures that were around the house and the biggest piece of our past her bedroom.

I ran the last four hundred yards in a fraction of a second, running faster than I ever have with her with me and sprang to the front porch of the cabin I build to house my collection, my focus for my frustration when I could no longer live with my family, such was my grief. I entered leaving my shoes on this time I had no time to waste removing them in my haste to get her warm and dry now the rain had set in again, I need to get some heat going she will be cold quickly now I have stopped moving and her legs are damp.

I walked through the main room, it furnished entirely from the Swan residence, the old sofa Esme suggested I place by the fire and the throw rug I keep on the back as it once was, I rest my head on it and read her books, hearing her voice in my head as the fibres rub against my skin as if I had Bella wrapped up in it reading to me, the table and chairs from their kitchen, I'd sit there and read the papers with articles for news of her disappearance in them or her college application acceptances letters and imagine our conversations and plans for the future if things had been different.

I had to buy a wood burning stove as there is no electric here, I never got round to putting oil lights up, there is no point when you can see regardless of the light levels, I did not want a fire hazard that would cause me to loose all this but now I have Bella here I need to look the candles out, she will need some light to see when it gets dark later.

I opened the door to the bedroom and froze in my tracks, it's been a couple of months since I was last in here, when I left I had no idea I would return with my Bella, my heart swelled with the memory of finding her and came crashing down as it was replaced by the last time I put her to bed after she came to save me from the Volturi.

I held her in one arm like a child as I pulled the covers back, Esme has been in, these are fresh bed sheets and the cover is clean too, I am glad for her interference this once as I sit Bella down and remove her shoes which are wet from being in contact with damp bushes and shrubs as I carried her, I removed her coat and fleece and rolled her round into the bed how I watch her do with her children as it seems not to jostle them, I removed her socks and jeans before covering her with the clean purple cover that we shared for so many nights.

With her tucked in and sleep taking over to help with Jaspers parting gift of sleep so she would not wake as I ran, it should not take long for her to wake from this but he cannot account for what's going on in her mind. I stood back and looked at my love; she looked so at peace the strain in her was not visible as she slept. I kissed her forehead and whispered again my plea "Bella please don't leave me" and left the room, It felt so incredibly right to have her here, I felt at peace within myself such contentment even though I knew so much was at stake.

I fetched some wood from the wood pile round back. Alice suggested I produce one, "it will make the place look more human" but I knew she was hiding something and I've never bet against her, it's been stacked out there on the sheltered side for as many years as this palace has had a roof, I was always hopping her pushing meant Bella would be with me sooner.

As I built this place I found I worked my way through my issues with her disappearance, it never settled well within me to not do anything to rescue her but building this place gave me a focus for her salvation, I worked to make it our home, having lost the little cottage Esme made us when we moved from Forks. I may take her to show her it one day if she is still with me.

I hoped this would do the cottage justice, Esme is so much better at this kind of thing than I am but she helped me plan and integrate my requisitions, it was Esme who reminded me I needed some kind of bathroom if I was planning to live here with Bella, so the washroom, complete with composting toilet was all her idea as was the water tank for hot water, I've never used it since I completed and tested it eight years ago but then it's not like my body sheds its skin of perspires.

As I kneel by the fire I realise this place is not practical for her children but I know the floor is at least barefoot friendly, I used to fantasise about Bella's feet gracing my floor, it took me four days none stop to sand it smooth by hand, working my way down the grades of paper till the feathers I used to test its smoothness did not catch anywhere, which is why I am careful to remove my shoes when I get here.

"Why won't this thing light?" I said out loud angrily as I tried to get the fire in the grate to light? I reached for some paper as the wood is to damp, I'm normally good at this kind of thing, my nerves must be getting the better of me, I want this to be perfect, I want her to stay. Taking a breath I ripped the housing and sports pages making sure I did not loose any of the articles on her, I'd saved all copies which listed her disappearance I used to reread them a lot, her friend's description and testimonies of their friend. At last flames and the dryer wood have caught, perfect...

I went to the stream leaving her unattended for a minute as I fetched fresh water to have ready for her to wash and have tea when she woke, and turned my attention to the stove and got that lit so it radiated heat as well and heated the water I'd just put in the water tank, I now had a lovely fire going in both the stove and grate I let my mind flood with images of sitting with Bella in my arms curled up in front of it, but she needed to wake first.

Such a beautiful sight, I'm not sure I will ever get used to seeing my Bella where I imagine her to be, after twenty years of ghost images overlaying reality to hear her breathing and hear her heartbeat in the silence is shockingly real and exciting to me, yet I can't not climb on to Bella's bed with her, it was far too much of a temptation, my hormones were still racing in my system, instead I sat in the rocking chair, letting a million more memories flood in of me sitting in this chair as I watched her sleep.

It's funny now but from this angle for the first time I can clearly see where I used to lie for all those years, the purple has worn and the fabric is thinning my shape fits perfectly round her recumbent form, I know exactly where she liked to lie and I would lay there next to her as if she were still in her bed, I am filled with so many mixed emotions right now, the sadness at my loss and loneliness, Joy for finding her and having her where I dreamed, and now fear as I know she wants to leave me, I can't physically cope any longer being without her, not now, not ever.

How the years have flown by, how they have dragged too as I hid here unable to be with my family their memories of Bella and pain of her missing screamed at me before I entered the house, it got to the point I could not unpack my belongings at four of the previous houses, everything I touched screamed Bella, and it was the same for my family too, as the table was set out it was in their heads all the meals they'd seen her eat or the meetings we had, As Emmett and Jasper hung the TV on the wall they recalled the films they got her to watch.

This is the first house Alice has persuaded me to at least put my bed up in my room, she never asked me at the other houses; I assume it was Alice who put my things out before we arrived the other day my room was the last time I went to the house in October just the bed. But it was also at this house I lost the will to speak to Alice. The last vision of the attack two years ago was the final straw, I could take no more visions like that and not be able to find Bella.

Right from the first visions in the first year, the vividness and pain all of which we knew were of Bella I could smell and hear her in them as if I were right there, it terrified me that we, that I was so helpless to help her, I felt like I'd abandoned and betrayed my love.

I recall it took nearly my entire family to restrain me, pinning me in the muddy banks of the river that ran past the Forks house for four days to stop me from going to rescue her after Alice screamed one night and I saw as if from Bella's eyes in the dim light three vampires pushing her about as she tried to sleep, their eyes black with thirsty and their mouths salivating venom, when she saw them in the moonlight, I felt every icy touch they made to her as if they touched me the vision was so clear, I lost from my stomach the blood from my hunt which has never happened to our kind before and my flesh crawled to think where their hands went, I scrubbed myself for days to remove the feeling from my flesh, knowing that Bella could not.

I could watch my mature beautiful Bella sleep for ever, Jaspers assistance has worn off now time has passed, he did not do much he did not want to use the full force of his gift in case it pushed her to leave, knowing how much she hates him using his gift on her. I gingerly lent forward and took a stray strand of hair and remove it from her face, tucking in back with the rest showing me the incision line where the squidgy facial implants were slid in from, Carlisle knows a plastic surgeon who will be more than capable of removing these violations, I love kissing her, but with these in place, I can smell the silicone and it feels like she has that custard stuff under skin, I know we are more sensitive in our touch than humans so to a human this would feel normal, but not to me, I want them removed as soon as possible, I am afraid to burst them and the silicone inside poison her.

I don't think we can do anything about her eyes; I miss her chocolate browns when she looks at me first thing in the morning, it took me a few days to get used to seeing sapphire blue but now I like the way they sparkle with a different intensity, at least her children have the same brown color, if I don't concentrate Beatrice looks so much like her mother I have so nearly called her Bella on a couple of occasions.

She looks so peaceful, lying there, all my old memories of our time in this room are overflowing, from the first time I dangled by my fingertips outside that window and heard her speaking in her sleep, the thought of it now makes my stomach knot and flip excitedly as I remember the new feelings that washed over me that night as I sat in this very rocking chair, silly how I was so scared to look at what she read and listened to. Me a monster afraid of a human, actually I was more afraid of killing her in those first few months such was the call of her blood.

She starting to stir, as she flexed every muscle and limbs under the covers in pairs working from her toes up, the cracking of her bones and joins sent shivers down my spine as memories of snapping human's bones when I had my wild years flashed back to me at each crack. She stretched and pulled the covers over her head. I smiled waiting, as she moaned, groaned and cussed, "no one jump on mummy for a bit, please" she said as she turned over from her back to side facing the wall furthest from me, I watched the covers lift and then close them, "Crap, I'm dead" came her muffled words.

I had to laugh at that, not words I expected to hear from her but, she was at least awake now and my whole body tensed as I whispered "what makes you think that" sending my voice echoing round the room like a ghosts, playing with her a little.

"I can't dream this well, I have no other explanation, I fell right off the edge this time, I didn't even get the chance to hold on to it, I'm dead" she said and laughed awkwardly for a second.

"What do you mean Bella?" I asked in the same voice.

"I went over, I fell, normally I wake up where I fell this time..."

"if I told you're not dead? What would you do?" I asked,

"Hope that this is a good dream for a change, one I won't wake up from"

"Bella open your eyes" I requested breathlessly, "look at me please" Her eyes appeared over the covers they scanned the room and settled on me for a second. "Bella" I whispered as her weary eyes continued to sweep the room.

"Where am I?" she questioned with a pained look on her face as she pulled the covers back over her, tucking herself up in a ball.

"this is your room"

"no shit Sherlock" she snapped "where am I, what kind of trick is this? I know the house is gone and something new is there I googled it, This can't be anything more than a dam good illusion except the light and the sounds are wrong outside the windows, so Where am I If I'm not dead?"

I watched her breathing increase and then settle as she controlled herself, and noticed that she was right, the absence of a streetlamp casting an orange glow onto the chest of draws and end of her bed and the sounds of a quiet suburban street were replaced by the final calls from the birds as twilight started to set in, her memory of this place is good.

It was my turn to be nervous, "Bella, this is your room, I... rebuilt it" I was about to go on when she cut me off, sitting bolt upright, glaring at me.

"So why am I here? Where are my children?" she said sternly

"The girls are with Esme and the others, it's just..." I answered honestly "I wanted to give you... well us some time"

I watched her scan the room again, she turned to the bedside cabinets and opened the draws, I'd placed everything back as she left it, finding things as she remembered in them seemed to make her smile. I left the chair and climbed on the bed next to her. "Bella" I whispered looking at my hands, "what happened back at the house?" I added as I felt her eyes look at me "are you alright?" I needed to know, she her reaction was so... worrying.

She snorted "no one has ever asked me if I'm alright before, I think the last person was you before..." she leant round me looking at the window I used to use, "I was taken" she finished.

"You were kind of mad and you took your clothes off" I said reminding her

"No I did not take my clothes off, Alice tore my jeans, I stood up to show you what I hate so much, I'm sorry I did that to you but you had to see. I needed to see your face as you saw the abomination that is me, I needed to know what you thought before" she said

"Before what? I didn't give you an answer because you passed out" I said.

She nearly snapped my head off to borrow a human phrase, I'd laugh if it was not so painful as she said "I hardly believe that you don't know what I choice, you were next to Alice and I heard you both, so you know what I want to do" I did but I did not want to acknowledge it as real, I could not help myself I could not live without her and she needed to know this and.. Stay.

"You can't leave me, Bella" I said in reply opening my heart for her to see it clearly this time, unlike the riddles and dance around my feelings I did all those years ago when I first realised I loved her "I can't live without you, please" I begged finding my words came without thought.

"You did it before, this is the best way, can't you see" she said

"No its not" I snapped back shocking myself "I did not live when you were gone ask any of my family. What happened tonight, I thought we were doing alright? What did my sister do to make you choose this" I asked as panic rose within me as I found I was fighting harder than I thought I'd have to not knowing what's in her mind.

"Stop blaming Alice; it was my choice and mine alone" she said with frustration. "Look Edward, one of us has to take the rose coloured glasses off and see the reality" panic set in as she was so calm and very much in control as my head spun wildly.

"Reality?" I asked

"Ah! Come on Edwards, wake up, look at me, really look at me, you saw me didn't you? Back at the house? Well here's the news flash I do love you" my heart and stomach flipped as butterflies took off I found I was light headed hearing her say these words "with all my heart, mind, soul, spirit with every fibre in my being and if you'd let me my body too if I can?" she wants me, Ah thank you, but what is this about? Why is she wanting to leave me, she can't be trying to protect us?

"But being with you is dangerous, not for me but for you, my children, your family and mine, well Emma's. To walk another day and know what I know and let you be fooled by what you don't see, to have you with me to be that selfish. To... I don't know ... marry you and let you 'try' and you see what you saw having trapped you with a vow before god, I can't do it to you or to me... to live with you and not have you completely, I can't live like that again. To know your only trying because you promised me once, I can't do that to you, you mean more to me than that"

She took a breath and continued "In this human head I'm pathetic and paranoid for want of any other explanation for what's been going on in it, but it's hard not to... you don't look or touch me when you get the chances to, what else am I to think? Knowing my husband took one look at me after I had Beatrice and never touched or kissed me except when the lights are off, I have no idea what the vampire equivalent of the lights off is but I do not want that again to feel that. I would rather know I loved you as I do and that you are safe" I saw her tears well in her eyes making them more intense than before as my head reeled from what she said.

"But this is silly Bella, I have never deliberately tried to make to feel unattractive, if only you know" I said in my defence, trying to work this out. I am not touching her because I deem it impropriate and I am afraid of pushing her too much, yet not is making her feel as though I don't.. Ah Bella how can I?

"Then why don't you tell me? I know you can sense how I feel for you, you hear my heart rate and breathing change when you touch me and I know you occasionally do things deliberately to get these reactions, but I want to hear words, I know you won't have sex till your married, I kind of like that but why do you not touch me or tell me how you feel, I know that rises to attention and as soon as it does your off, why?"

Ouch.. I never knew she noticed these things, "Bella, you know why, I can't"

"Edward I know that and I've not asked you and I'm not asking you to, but I don't understand why you vanish, it's a natural reaction. Why don't you tell me how you feel, really feel for once? Not acting on it is the difference, Christ Edward you're always telling me not to be embarrassed by things my body does, and how it reacts to you. So what's the difference?"

"Bella, you know why" I can't even contemplate being with her like that, seeing her naked was nearly too much if it was not for the fact the she was unstable I could well have taken her.

"No Edward I don't, I have changed know, and I've slept with more people than I care to think about, the only man I ever really wanted to share that experience with is you, you act like sex is to be avoided as if talking about desires is immoral, you did it to me the night before the fight, I understood the reasons I was young and naive then, but now it makes me feel like your avoiding me, how can I think about a future with us together when you... can't you see?"

I could not be with her because the draw, the need to take her is too strong and I am afraid of loosing control. "Edward" she said pleading "if you care for me and want me in your life we have to work together? If I know what you can and cannot handle I can help you the same as you help me with stuff, you see me struggle and you ask if I want help, why can't you give me the chance to do that for you?

"Bella, I do not deserve your help, I am not even worthy of it, I let you down so dreadfully when you were gone" she was shaking her head at me "you don't understand just how much I want you, what I saw today you are increasable, no don't shake your head like that again, it's true, you don't see yourself clearly and I wish you would cause when I saw you standing there I wanted you so badly, it took all I had not to touch you and I failed and I am was, I am scared I'd hurt you. If you had not have passed out on me like you did I do not know what I would have done"

She was leaning across the bed and I was leaning in to her as the electricity buzzed in the room between us, I could smell her body heat and hear her heart rate. "Is that true?" she asked only a foot from me now, I nodded hopelessly loosing myself in her eyes and the feelings that were now making it hard for me to break away, my sirens call was strong and I was crumbing to at her every whim. "It's alright to feel like that, for me to know that, to hear it," she said holding her ground "it does not break your rules, it makes me feel like your real, that you do want me not pushed away, not that you're doing this out of guilt or something"

"It's not the point thought, I should be stronger" I stammered out as she pulled back from me looking exasperated.

"Why?" she placed her hands on my face, Ah Bella you will be the death of me.

"Because I am a..."

"A what? Man, Vampire which? I love all of you and I believe we can be stronger together if we help each other. I've got limits and tolerance level too, and you know most of them, you can't want me to be part of your life if you can't or won't let me know yours and help you, we can't work as a one sided relationship, it will be like the battle with Victoria all over again, we could not be apart, we had to know where the other was, you can't read my mind well I can't read yours, we needed to work together to be together, can't you see, it's the same now?," she was right and I kissed her my weight pushing her to the bed as I fell on top of her, I needed to show her what I could not voice, the real words of just how much I loved and wanted her were locked away in my upbringing.

Our kiss deepened as I found her tongue and I was lost in her, it was not until she tapped my shoulder and I broke away she asked breathlessly "Edward do not move" a strange thing for her to say as she said slowly each word more of as a demand as to a request, her eyes rolled and then she said "whatever happens just don't move alright?"

I pushed back from her face a little more and looked at her wondering what I had done, but sensed nothing unusual and waited for her to continue, I was a little heavier on her and pushed my weight off a little "I said don't move, that includes lifting yourself OK" I did not like the breathless way in which she spoke, it worried me and excited me at the same time.

"Two things" she said controlling her breathing by blowing out short in short bursts as her heart was going way to fast "but first things first.. Just to clarify something" she said breathlessly as her eyes rolled again "you do not want to sleep with me before you marry right"

"that is right" I replied sceptically waiting although I had come to the conclusion I was willing to give that rule up to keep her if I had to, I would do anything including that..

"Then what are you doing?" I thought for a moment and thought back at everything, our kiss my tongue her mouth and.. nothing new with that so? I pushed my thought outside our kiss as she panted beneath me and.. Oh! I'd gone hard and my hips were, urmm.. well they had been applying and removing slight pressure to my sensitive tip on her pubic bone! I lost myself in her kiss and was not thinking as I... the need to be with her I... I went to remove myself embarrassed at what I'd done "I said don't move" she snapped as if in pain I froze.

"Edward, are you in control or er um?" her eyes rolled as she swallowed "Cause you've never done that before, for someone who is abstaining it's well.. just don't move for a moment please"

"sorry, I was not thinking I was... I will get off you"

"NO" she said desperation in her voice, confusing me "don't please, it will be much worse if you get off" I watched her eyes roll and swallow as she bit her lip in concentration, I felt her body tense under mine.

"What is it are you hurt?" I asked, why she was like this.

"No.. You have no idea do you? her face was flushed and her breathing and heart rate had not settled, her blood pressure was up a little and her heart rate was ten to the dozen but that always happened when I kissed her.

"Idea about what? If I've hurt you, I should... look?" I had no idea what I'd done, I could not smell blood or feel any difference in her body beneath me except it was warmer and noticeably so now I'd had my attention to where the heat was coming from, my erection jumped at that thought and she swallowed hard as it moved, her breathing changed as did her heart rate.

She breathed and closed her eyes "after three get off me completely and lye here, don't touch me alright, no matter what I do, do not touch me... I do not want to freak out... alright" I nodded perplexed at what was going on she counted "One, Two, Move" I rolled off her and she was on her side facing away from me, I had not hurt her, I could smell her arousal now and notice the damp patch on her underwear, she smelled so good my erection twitched as the scent hit me. "Do you know what you were doing? She said again

I shook my head "no, my body was moving without me thinking, why?" I could not make the connection.

"Give me a minute" she said as she curled up into a tight ball and pulled the covers over her, it sounded like she was having difficulty controlling her breathing.

"Bella what is it" I asked as I heard her breath and whisper to herself 'get a grip, Breath'

She rolled over to face me and said in a very matter of fact way "OK, look do you know about intimacy at all?"

"Only what I've read in books and seen in films, Why?" I said honestly, not to mention what I'd seen in my families heads and from courting couples but I tried to zone these out.

"Films as in Hollywood as to..." she quizzed the coin dropped

"I don't watch those kind of films Bella" I said shocked

"Right, so you have no idea how, doing what we were doing could affect me?" I felt like she was taking to her children, the way she asked me this, challenging my thinking.

I was quiet, I had put two and two together now she mentioned it.. "I am sorry I did that, I did not mean to give you mixed messages or to scare you"

"Edward, you did not scare me, which is good to know but it was just not something you should do again unless you want me loose control, alright?" I nodded, wow I turned her on and I did not realise I had done it. She looked round the room, as she sat on the edge of the bed and asked "where are my jeans?".

"Drying by the stove, they got damp" I replied, she looked at me blankly, then I remembered she did not know about my cabin, just this room. She opened the door, stopped just outside and gasped I was behind her in an instant and inches from her.

"Where am I?" she asked her voice shook differently now

"My cabin"

"Where are my children Edward?" she asked with more of an edge to her voice this time.

"They are with Esme, Rosalie and the others, they are safe" I replied, from behind her.

"What... Where are we?" she said startled I don't think she has put the pieces together having already commented that she knows her house is no more.

I breathed deeply feeling my stomach jitter and my breathing catch, as the reason why I created this place suddenly needed to be voiced, my family know how much Bella meant to me and were pleased I'd found an outlet for my obsessive pinning and collecting and did not question my somewhat insane actions but now..

I looked down at my Bella her head turning slowly as she took in the room in the fire light, her t-shirt covered shoulders were calling me to place my hands on them and I realised the room was not as warm as I'd have liked which stopped me, time spent with her I had forgotten to add more logs to the fire but this was not the time to tend it.

The air gap between us had taken on life as the electricity arced up between us again as I felt Bella's body sending warm blood round it, the heat coming from her a degree higher than it was in the bedroom, it was a distraction my hormonal side could do without, now I knew what I was capable of doing to her with very little effort.. I needed to explain this.

"After your father died" I said quietly which felt like I was shouting it having not had anyone to speak to here before "Billy Black and the elders were clearing the house, they invited me to take what I wanted, it was a nice gesture, one I was not expecting as there had been some tension after you vanished, we accused Jacob of instigating your kidnap till we found the scent trail leaving to Italy gate at the airport"

"I was allowed to have everything from your room that your Renee had not taken, I took your mug, glass, and the last plate and cutlery you used oh and the towel you showered with on the last night before you joined me bef..." I could not finish, I went to place my hand on her shoulder again feeling the electric sparks wrap round us and pull me to her and stopped myself as I continued hoping she would not notice the break in my words "which I took that night in a vain hope to be near you, to smell you" I smiled painfully at that memory "I salvaged the furniture you see in here from what the tribe left for the charity collection"

She turned her head as if to hear me as her hands came up her arms to rest on her shoulders and her head came to rest on one, soothing it with her cheek. I wished I'd placed my hand there now to feel her warmth, I needed it as I confessed "and my room?" she whispered, she would ask that.

I took a breath "I heard the new owners discussing demolition and a rebuild, Alice saw the date when this was to happen, I could not watch the vision as the house went, I purchased the room from the contractors."

"Edward" she asked half turning and I saw tears in her eyes as I stood shaking afraid to touch her in case I pushed too far again having literally just screwed up. I was brought back to my senses as she asked "How did you know the new owners wanted to demolish Charlie's place?... It's too far for you to hear from your house" She was as always observant as I paused while I tried to formulate a plausible reply, I wish she had not turned to face me as I thought, her blue eyes stared up at me "did you stay there?" I closed my eyes in silent conformation, bowing my head in shame at the pathetic way in which I behaved.

"Edward?" she quizzed, her breathing had hitched up a notch as had her heart beat, "why did you stay in an empty house?" her tone was compassionate but it did not help.

I could not answer, and confess I stayed virtually every night after she left, at first I sat in the rocking chair so I would not sully her scent then as it faded I curled up around her absent form, as I did here before this afternoon, then once the house was empty I stood in the corner watching where her bed once was, staring all night... my head hung lower as the thoughts of how her disappearance affected me, how it had rendered me helpless, withdrawn and how the pain inside me festered, twisting me up in ways I had never thought possible, in comparison to how I felt when I left her and I knew where she was to sooth me there was no release no way of finding her to gain hope or comfort.

I heard her say my name again and felt her warm breath on me and I staggered back as the pain of those times washed through me disorientating me for the first time as I realised I was now fighting to keep her. "Edward" she said more anxious than before, then she touched my chest pulling me by the buttons sending red hot sparks deep into me where her fingers touched, my heart and head near exploded as I tried to control the rush of emotions as all the painful memories were suddenly hit by her touch and heat, she moved her hands to my arms as I fell to my knees on the floor, cracking the floor boards and splintering the wood in many directions, missing her feet and near damaging her by inches as she shifted to make room for me to crumple.

"Edward" her soft voice came again this time closer to my face, her hands on my cheeks lifting my face to hers, I was too weak to resist. "Edward, please look at me.. I didn't know.. please Edward" I was without substance and strength, I was easily manipulated by her touch and words, I opened my eyes at my siren's call and stared at her feet and saw they were covered with tiny shards of wood, and on up her legs, a few splinters had nicked her flesh and blood was starting to bubble at the surface, its smell no draw or interest to my monster who was dead inside me.

I looked up following her legs to her waist, her damp panties perfectly covering her mound, the scent of her arousal strong. Her t-shirt covered her hips and the rest of her body and her erect nipples pushed through the fabric making my penis swell again. I wanted her, not to show her I did this time but to make me feel safe to be that close to the woman I have loved for so many years, to finally feel her on me, around me, so no one can take her away from me. I know it was going against my rules as Bella so rightly calls them but what can I do?

I saw her eyes, tears silently sliding down her face and I broke seeing her pain, mirroring my own, my body racked with unshed tears, these emotions I caged within me only letting them go when I was alone or when they became too much, the enormity of loosing her all those years ago, the joy at finding her and the realisation that she wanted to leave to save me was too much for my pathetically weak spirit to contain any more. "I missed you so much Bella, to loose you now I am not strong enough to live through it again, Please don't leave me" I whispered "we have to find a way of making this work, please.. I... I can't..." I begged from my heart a pitiful wreck of a man I am.

I lowered my head and stared at her legs and feet before pulling and wiping the splinters from them at a speed I knew she'd not see or feel before placing my fingers over the small grazes to stop the tiny blood flow, to touch her was... soothing to the pain inside me, such pain I've never felt before.

I felt her kneel down and her knees rest on my lap as she kissed my head, ear and neck before working her way across my face, each one felt like a life line, I could feel the tears and feel her body shake as she touched me, her hands softly and shaking franticly as they touched me everywhere they could with the same delicate gentle touch I prayed for but never came when I dreamed of her.

I respond with ease to her raising my face and saw her eyes the most amazing sapphire blue in blood shot tear filled frames so intent and focused between her kisses as she took a breath she said into my ear so shakily an almost nonexistent whisper "I don't know what to do to keep you safe, I don't want to live without you, I don't know if I can now I know your alive but I have to try... you are more important to me that the breath I take. Then you woke me with what you did. I can't... I can't breathe without you, I don't want to" she was breathing hard and the electric buzz whipped up again but I was far too weak now to resist its pull and I kissed her back, for hell or high water I did not care. When my tongue found hers and I felt her suck on it as she let me in her mouth my head exploded with the way she smelled.

I slid my hands down her back and under her backside feeling every lump and bump of her scars, I really did not care about these, it was always her and would always be who she is, I pulled her legs round my waist and stood up, my fingers clipped the inside edge of her panties briefly as I reposition her to lift and hold her in place so I could kiss her throat and neck. I felt the heat and moisture from her warm centre on my finger tips as I held her tight to me. I was undone, I wanted her and I did not care about my rule as much as it screamed at me.

I staggered to the bedroom bewildered by my emotions taking a chunk out of the door frame as I staggered backwards drunk on her, I have no idea what happened to her top or mine but when I lay her down it was not there, the feel of her breasts red hot next to my ice cold skin sent shockwaves through me as I went to undo my pants, she stopped me.

"you want... to do that?" I asked breathless and shaking, I felt her shake her head, as she removed my hands and placed them back on her breasts and held them there, manipulating my unmoving fingers till they moved against her skin on their own, the feeling of her moving me was sensational, I understood what she wanted and obliged as her hands left mine to glide so smoothly over my back, as I repositioned my knee this time against her pubic bone, hoping to recreate the earlier reaction, feeling the heat from her burn me as I made contact and applied the changes of pressure I had earlier, if I could not take her, and she would not let me, then I would show her every ounce of how much I wanted her without...

Her fingernails dug in as best a human's can to my marble skin and scratched up my back making me arch and tingle, she was a witch, and without realising I'd pushed my knee harder against her and heard her moan as my tongue danced inside her mouth. I felt her body writhe and shudder as I changed the pressure my leg was providing, I understood her warning to me now, I was unleashing her control, I could see it and feel it, my hormonal side I liked it.. And wanted more.

I let one hand explore her body, feeling her silk smooth skin either side of the scar that ran from the one breast to her hip, her heart rate increased as I slid my hand under the waist band of her panties, I let my fingers glide over her belly only to feel it react as it moved on its own, I'd never seen a human's body do that before and ran my fingers over it again, I stopped kissing her to kissed down her neck, across her breasts, and on down to her belly.

I watched my hand glide again and her belly react then I tried with my lips and tongue, the same but this time she gasped. I removed my knee from her and saw the damp patch on the leg, her arousal was more than evident now, I removed my pants in a millisecond giving her no time to refuse and I lay on top of her in my boxers feeling the heat from her core, melt through me as I longed to see beyond her black underwear, as I repositioned myself back on top of her.

I kissed my way up her neck. "Bella" I whispered out of breath, asking her permission in a single word. I looked up at her face to find her eyes closed and her biting her lower lip, shaking her head... I was a master of persuasion; I breathed on her and in a whisper requested again "Bella"

Again the shake of her head, dam her I could do nothing but obey, my need to protect and not harm her greater even now a I watched her swallow and bring her breathing under control as I felt her body tense and relax and tense again, she muttered words to herself my hearing picking them up so easily 'got to stop, please' it hurt me to hear them, 'don't want to stop.. I want... NO.. Stop' then she voiced a little between breaths "I'm going to push you, and I want you to roll over off me" it cut deep into me but I was grateful for her resolve I would not forgive myself if we had gone further, if I'd lost control and at worst taken her from her children.

I waited as she breathed 'you can do this' there was a long pause as she panted then I heard her count 'one, two' on 'three' she pushed with her body and I relented and rolled as she slipped neatly in next to me, burying her face into my side. Her warm breaths started to calm and slow with each one. I was rewarded for my compliance with a nod and a smile which I felt against my arm which she hung on to "good" she blew out "thank you" she said as she pushed herself up stiffly her breasts moving against my skin blowing my mind again, God how I wanted to touch them.

I was suddenly cold and she was not next to me, I looked and found her par naked form by the door she had a rye smile on her face as she looked at me. "I can't" she closed her eyes, and I watched her lick her lips and she suddenly looked strong and intimidating as I lay on her bed, my shame standing to attention unhidden from her as she repeated "I'm sorry Edward I can't" not taking her eyes from mine.

My gentleman side rejoiced she had applied the brakes, and was amazed at how she managed to do it, there was something she was not saying, she was hiding something I could see it as her eyes as face changed and her posture grew to a commanding state, 'you made me a promise to me, and I want you honour it" the commanding posture vanished as she left the room and I heard her looking in the back pack I'd left in the table.

I stood at the door way watching her silhouetted in the last of the light from the window, so perfect, so beautiful and I so nearly... I am beginning to remember more of why I love her so much; she is one of a kind. She pulled from the bag her underwear and a top, she checked the bag looking at more clothing Alice packed and smiling, if I were human I'd not see have seen this but my eyes do not need her face lit to see it clearly, I watched her put the items back cocking her head slightly as a thought came to her, I wish I knew what that was? She grabbed her jeans from the chair by the stove and the towel she'd put on the table and headed to the only other door off the room, the bathroom.

I heard her pour water from the jug of cold I'd already placed next to the sink, I never showed her how the hot water works; she should have warm water to wash, as flashes of the last time she washed in cold water a few hours ago appeared in my head. "Do you want some hot water?" I asked at the door now I was dressed and regretting my inability to control my hormones as well as she had, it should have been me not her put a stop it. There is much for me to learn about her still.

"No, I'm good" she replied instantly as I heard the sounds synonymous with washing, she did not scrub herself this time and emerged smelling of soap and water with only faint traces of her arousal lingered as she came to my side as I put more logs in the stove so I could cook her dinner. "Whatcha doin" she said in an accent I'd heard her neighbours and children used but had not picked up on from her, it made me smile thought.

I replied as I was about to put the contents of the zip lock in to a pot we heat up "Esme's beef casserole, she sent leftovers" she stood behind me and I felt her head rest on my shoulder blades and hands find my waist.

"Oh OK, I'm not that hungry" she said in a quiet way as she shivered as she touched me.

"I'll put some more logs on the fire" I said to her as I started to turn away quickly and left her by the warm stove and added more wood to the fire, I returned standing the other side of the stove to her, she was lost in thought staring into the fire inside the stove through one of the small openings in the hob.

"What are you thinking?" I asked, watching her, unsure how to get close to her without making her feel like I wanted her again, which I did but not like that I was in control again, I just need to be in contact, nothing sexual.

"Stuff, and things... trying to get my head to work again but mainly trying to work out why your stood there?" she bit her lip and did not take her eyes off the fire.

"I.. Do you want me to be closer to you after….. I pushed you too far?"

"I always want you to be closer to me. I'm asking why after... well in there ..." she tiled her head to the bedroom "you shot off really quickly to put wood on the fire when I touched you and now your stood there.. I feel like a pariah or something" she looked hurt, I'd say she pouted but this is something I'd not seen in her since New Years, she pulled herself up and her expression changed as she stirred and then the lost look returned as if she was not really here.

"I... I" dam I was stuttering and did not know how to say what I needed to

"Don't worry about it… Was that" her head indicted the bedroom again "just to prove that what I look like does not matter or did you want.. erm... me?... and risk your soul like that?" she said looking at me the whole time for a reaction with distant eyes.

"Bella" I was shocked that she could think I did that just because I wanted to show her it did not matter, she was right but I do want her, I always have I wish she could see that.

"Don't worry about it" she said her tone changed, it had no inflections in it, no life.

"Bella, no.." I grabbed her and pulled her way from the stove to look at me, she was floppy like a rag doll when I moved her "Bella, you mean everything to me, you are my life, what I said I meant, I need you, I want you" I looked at her trying to work out if my words had been heard her face was expressionless "Bella please believe me, Look" I placed her hand on my heart "feel that, it beats because of you, what I did was a mistake, I lost control and I am sorry, I feel retched for loosing control like that and I know being that close like that is difficult, I scared you, I don't want to make it worse, I don't know what to do"

She held up her hand to my mouth to stop me and silence rained as she walked away from me, she curled up on herself on the sofa and said "You did not scare me, you stopped when I asked" she smiled and looked at me "you don't need to try for me, I'm not worth it" her head rested back on her knees facing the fire.

What had I done? Why was she like this she was closing down on herself, I heard Alice outside and saw in her mind Bella resigning herself to leave, I had failed. With her mind Alice scolded me for not keeping contact with Bella; she reminded me of what her friend Ian had said about touch, I am a fool. 'Go and sit behind her, she has to work herself out of this, don't let her be alone while she does or she will leave us. She is trying to sort herself out, make sense of everything and find herself, I keep seeing the choices as she makes and changed them she needs time they will be better choices when your with her, she needs to know you love her just hold her and be still, not too still remember, being with her will do you good too'

I asked Alice if the girls were alright with their mother staying away from them overnight and from her vision I saw that they hardly noticed, I'd keep that to myself for now but will tell Bella if she asked that they are fine. I really want to be with Bella and do nothing but hold her.

I did as my sister suggested and silently slid in behind Bella, I pulled the rug off the back of the sofa to help shield some of my body temperature from her so I could stay there longer. She relaxed into me immediately moulding herself to my arms and snuggled in watching the fire.

"I'm sorry" she said after a few moments which was completely unnecessary "I'm….. its difficult for me to explain.. words are hard to find right now.., I'm trying... there is a lot going on in my head, don't ask me to explain" that took me a back, I was about asking her what she was thinking but it felt in inappropriate, I was not sure I muttered aloud to my sister that I wish I know what was going in her head but that was for Alice's hearing Bella's human ears can't pick that up can they?

"Its alright Love" I replied to her.

"We do need to talk though" she added, I pulled her close there was something in the way she spoke it unnerved me but she has a point we do, life is so different with her this time around, she has children, the house next door is working at the moment but the sun is rising earlier and setting later, I know in the next two months it will be impossible for me to ghost back and forth, I have to find a away to discuss moving. The house is too small for me and she is right, not that I will let her know this I am trapped there when she is at work, at least I have my computer linked to her, I've yet to tell her about that.

"Edward" she said softly

"mmm" I replied losing myself in her scent and warmth, it was nice to just sit with her and do nothing.

"Have you ever been locked in your head?" I'm not sure I know what she means? "You know when everything seems to happen at once and you can't process it, the things you want or need to focus on are out of reach, or move too fast? I feel like that now, I'm locked inside myself, everything is swirling around in my hear and I can't stop it"

"what are you trying to reach?" I asked her kissing her ear gently "can I help?"

There was a frustratingly long silence before she replied, "to much at the same time…. there is no order to it… I don't know where to start,"

"Does that matter?" I asked wondering what the things were in her head, I felt _'locked in' _to use her phrase at the Denali house the other evening but that was because I could not process what happened to her I was enraged, saddened and a whole host of emotions and urges at once. I knew I could not act on them and was trying to sort that so I would not upset her. My head was filled with images from Alice some linked with what she said and I had obviously missed others which frustrated me further, I could feel every emotion the room had to offer as she spoke thanks to Jasper, not that he can help it, I heard everyone's thoughts on what she endured.

If she is experiencing similar I am not surprised she has been 'locked in' my brain is so much bigger than hers and I can process many things at the same time and yet... "Tell me, we can order them later if it helps, work on them one by one"

I kissed her head as she breathed deeply as a equally long silence reigned, I noticed the fire was getting low and needed to act before she spoke so I would not disturb her chain of thought "I need to put more wood on the fire love, I'll be back, Promise" I said to her as I extracted myself, adding more logs and fetching more from outside and stacking them by the sofa where I could reach at throw them on from where we were sat without disturbing us again.

She snuggled in tighter this time as she held my arm resting her head on my chest, "I like this" she squeezed my arms so I guess she meant being held "I don't want to hurt you, which makes finding the words harder, cause they will, no matter how hard I try, so please for now take yourself out of the equation, with what I say, I know there was nothing you could do so please"

she was silent for a moment, I nuzzled into her head, breathing in its strawberry infusion, bracing myself a little "what your holding, what your looking at is everyone who helped and supported me in the last twenty years, I've had to learn how to be independent, well more independent" I felt her laugh at that "I've not had anyone to talk to about us or my life here with you, I could not explain to anyone how much I missed it, missed you" she squeezed me tighter and I responded to her in kind.

"I could not really explain to my new family what happened with the Volturi and now I'm just not used to having someone I can talk to, who wants to listen and help me, it is taking some getting used to, to ask an all, when I've learned that help does not come"

"Don't think bad of my family, Emma's family it's the way they were brought up to be self supportive, its impolite to ask for help it's a sign of weakness to them. I kind of fitted in well after a year with the Volturi, but it was still difficult... God I hated it, but what could I do?"

I whispered into her head, sending goose pimples to rise on her neck and arms. "I want to help, as much as I can, you should not be doing everything alone, I am here now, we are here for you" indicating my family who all wanted to help her, guilt lead some of this but mostly she was part of the family and it's what we Cullen's do.

"that's it though, I'm not used to it, and…. I'm finding it hard to….. handle, to understand, why you want to? Look, working backwards cause it makes sense in my head at least…. I've been on my own pretty much a year, before I met Carlisle if you don't count Peter, but he's not worth counting seeing as he was a.. urmmm… how to say this with out you thinking I'm some kind of slut or whore….. he did not stay, never longer an a few hours when time and tide allowed at least. Before that my family stayed after the attach, but they drifted off cause of the girls nightmares and mine, it was hard for them"

"Before that it was me my husband and the kids, he was so busy with his work, he never spoke to me with any civility and after Beatrice was born he never came near me except when the lights were off. I've lived with someone who hated the way I look for seven years, and now I can't understand why you want to be with me...what you want from me.. I know what we feel for each other, I've know that since I laid eyes on you but in my head something is off, and I don't know what it is?... is this making sense to you?"

"I understand" I said, "but you know how I feel about you, and you should realise what you look like makes no difference to me, I'm in love with you, didn't my mistake earlier show that, I want you so badly I messed up I was so afraid of loosing you"

"No Edward you didn't mess up, I wish you could understand, I was attacked and I am still afraid of being hurt like that again, I wanted to but too many reasons stopped me and they are all whizzing around in my head but the only one that is making sense to me. I wanted one person just one person in my life after I was taken to keep a promise they made, you are the only person to have done that, alright by default, we were separated and then I thought you were dead but none the less it was yours and its stuck with me"

"my one hope was that not everyone breaks their promises" again with the nervous laugh, I guess if she thought I was dead I could not break that promise to her "I seriously wish I hadn't stopped you" that's news to me my heart lightened and I felt less tense "I am glad I did though cause I'm not sure if that was our first attempt at break up or make up sex, I really don't know especially when you stood so far from me and ran away when I touched you, it felt like you were doing that because you were trying to make me think you wanted me"

I kissed her head again, "you really don't see yourself clearly do you? Alright you have scars which are not nice, and humans can be so cruel when they are confronted with things they don't understand, but I know the person the other side of those scars and I love her, I love you, I want to make love to you and I will keep the promise I made, but you should know I thought I was loosing you, being with you like that if I made love to you I feel as though I'm letting you down by not knowing what your used to. But you are so much stronger than me, to stop me, us like that but then you always were" I tailed off to a whisper

I felt her smile against my arm and she kissed my wrist and hand, curling them to her face and breathing me in, "I guess that was make up, then" my heart soared

"Yes I guess it was, are you hungry your stomach has been rumbling away for the last hour, will you let me cook for you?"

"If you want to, but a little, don't do it all in case I can't eat it, I might want some later, do you mind?"

Of all the things to mind, I extracted myself from her embrace, when she let me go enough for me to move and got the food warming on the hob as she watched me, I felt her arms encircle my waist and her lean into my back, my breathing hitched it felt so good to have her do that, just hold me like that. "If we are not going our separate ways than there are a few things we need to sort out before we get back and start living… "She said

"I guess you should know, I leave my job in a month's time" What? That was news to me, I know I'd not been around the theatre since the first days but I'd not seen any correspondence or heard anyone mention this? I know the building is closing for refurbishment and staff moving out to a temporary base but this? "I'm taking the redundancy offer, I can reapply for my old job when they re-open if I want, but I have been offered a job I can do from home and I don't know what to do if your to stay, either way I will have the money to move house now, the one I've got its not good for you or your family as its far too small for a start for an extra person now we have been so used to it just being us girls, and it is entirely impractical for vampires and human's to coexist in a house with few north facing windows, in a couple of months its going to be impossible for you to get from one house to the other unless it's at midnight, or go to the back rooms untill after 10am and forget the living room after 2pm"

"I was hoping the move would be a way for me to start a new, I guess can but with you and not alone, but it needs to be where Beatrice can go to the same school, I don't want to remove her from her friends.." I nodded in agreement if she is to die soon then the unsettling would make this worse for her.

"You are right" I answered "the weather is getting better and it is going to get increasingly difficult especially with the children for me to be near the windows, its close now with the sun in the kitchen from 8am. We will look for a place together" I added holding her hands to my, their warmth settling in as I felt a glow wash through me.

"Edward, if we are to live together, what happened in there as nice as it was" I cut in as she nodded her head towards the bedroom

"It won't happen again I promise" I said, I was not sure how I was not going to react to her like I did but I was going to try.

She smiled at me and shook her head "don't make promises like that, you're a guy and my friend I am sorry to say I have been a little more sexually active than you in the last few years so don't make promises you will break" I was about to protest but she raised a finger "deliberately or not, don't make them. I am happy to stay as we are, but we need to find our own boundaries, my friends and family will ask about our sex life at every opportunity and I don't want you to feel pressured like you just were, I don't really want to embarrass you either, there are things about me that are bound to shock you considering your stand point"

"I'm not one for being totally naked around the house but I am or I was comfortable with myself, I tended to sort the kids in my underwear especially on summer mornings when everyone is dressing and its too hot to run around clothed, I have also been known to take my top off in my sleep when I get too hot on summer nights, but that's what got me looking like this so I may have been cured, that and if your there I won't need to strip off to get cooler I just need to find you but you're going to have to get used to that, what ever happens if one of us says no at any point then it's a no, it's not a stay away, or don't touch or hold me is that alright with you? Unless either of us specifies, we just won't take it to the natural conclusion"

"I can live with that" I said the idea of her stripping off in her sleep excited me, it also scared me I was unsure of my control after this afternoon.

"We're both adults.. We have to work together" she said as she looked up at me to make sure I was following.

"We both had twenty years worth of crap to deal with. I have some huge trust issues I know you see that, your father and brothers are weary when they get near us they need to stop and be normal around us I can see your mom and sisters get tetchy when Emmett forgets to be careful and hugs me, he can do that I'm not going to explode I need to get used to being round people and trust them, I can't think of a better way, than to not see people worry about upsetting the girls or me, we need to learn is that too much to ask?" she said "cause you're not relaxed in your home, how can I learn to trust when you don't feel normal?"

She changed her tone to a lighter one "enough of the heavy, so apart from building here, what else have you been doing? Did you go to college? More High School?"

I shook my head, "it's not about me tonight, I need you to feel safe, to find yourself and relax, to be us again before we go back, that's all I need right now, you can ask me another day. Are you ready to eat this then?" I dished up and brought her the vegetable rich beef casserole Esme had made from one of Bella's recipes, I don't really enjoy cow or bull blood and this smelled of all the reasons why but I knew it was doing her some good and that was what mattered the most to me. I have my soul mate back.

We'd had an attempt at makeup sex, not that it was sex as such but it felt dam good and I'm sure we ever broke up, a forced separation I think we can call it, be it a very long one and she said I'd woken her, it seems an odd thing to say and I'm not entirely sure what she means but my body tingles with new sensations as if it has been awakened could she be referring to the same? She is talking more fluidly and about a future and not of leaving, I have no words to describe what I feel this afternoons much has been unearthed, the dust cleared away, the unspoken has been touched on, I need to fix my floor but that is easy to do, I am glad it's the floor and not Bella I fractured like that as I fell. The evening is still young and I have provided a meal for her and we are not expected back at the house before lunch from what I saw from Alice before she left so who knows what tonight will bring as long as Bella is with me I can face anything.

* * *

Sorry its sooooolong... I was not sure where to cut or divide so I didn't bother.. there is just one more night after this one before they return to England.

Poor Bella its not easy for her is it, poor lamb... and then she could not go all the way with Edward when she has wanted it for so long.. hay ho.. things are looking up though and they have at last had a taste of intimacy..

Is there any point me asking you to comment? or say Hi, Hej, Bonjour or any other verson of Hello... its amazing the countries some of you are reading this from, wow..

PP


	22. A New Dawn A New Day

I do not own Twilight or the characters, I just borrowed them my own little escape from the real world...

* * *

A New Dawn A New Day

Edwards POV

Bella fell asleep as we curled up in front of the fire, her arm up inside my shirt gripping tightly just as she did with my pants. We talked for hours after she ate about all kinds of things. As soon as we get back I will start searching for a place for us to live that suites her criteria and mine, her main one is the school the Beatrice attends and Alice if she live can go to as well as, without asking Alice I do not know how long either of them have left, and we had a heavy discussion about it and Bella has requested that I not find out behind her back, I think my sister knows this as she had not hinted in her usual way. Bella is still putting my needs put first as always, I wish she wouldn't, but she insists that the property has to be good for me and my family, I just want it to be good for all of us.

It's so exquisitely peaceful to lie here with Bella on me like she is, her steady breathing soothing and warming me and her heart beat resonating around this place is what my ears have stretched to hear in our lost years. I love her with all my heart she is medicine for my soul, I truly believe I have one when I am with her, I asked her if she would consider marrying me, she did not voice her reply but as it was the last question I asked before she fell asleep I saw a different smile on her face and felt a nod of her head as she placed it on my chest, pulling me closer.

I had the fourth of July fireworks going off inside me and the grin on my face has not left me yet. But we need or at least should keep it from Alice for a while; I kind of want to keep it secret a little longer if we can.

I moved Bella to the bedroom, removed her jeans again so she would be comfortable and curled up with her this time, she spoke in her sleep that she loves me, she had a few nightmares too the last of which I left the bed and relocated myself on the floor leaning against the wall watching her fidget and move about and her shield hid her for a while, I hate it when she is like this, the things she says cut deeply but there is nothing I can do but let her ride it out.

It's gone eleven in the morning and she is still asleep, it is doing her some good but her stomach has been growling loudly since eight am. Esme and Carlisle called by about four this morning to see how we were going they also brought Bella breakfast, Carlisle suggested I leave her to sleep reminding me that it is for humans a great healer of their bodies and minds and she needs it.

Esme cleared up the wood shards I'd made when I broke my floor boards as Carlisle and I patched up the hole replacing the boards with new ones I still had in the rafters, she informed me they were not expecting us back till after lunch. I was quizzed heavily over the chunk from the door frame and I had round twenty questions over the damage they surveyed and what I'd been doing, I felt embarrassed as I explained and heard Esme's relief that it was not my anger getting the better of me and winced with her disproval of my weakness she knows me well and was pleased Bella put a stop to it, it made me glow with pride to see in her mind she holds Bella in high regard for her resilience.

I watched from my location on the floor Bella stir, she rolled over searching for me next to her, her arm sweeping the bed, she sat up a little to look at the chair then she pulled the pillow I used close to her and on her breath out "you're not here" she sounded sad as she breathed the words almost silently I watched her hug the pillow much the same way I did.

"I'm here" I said quietly and I watched her spin in the bed to face me again, her smile so radiant so infectious I crawled to the edge of the bed resting my head there as she scooted a little closer where I could kissed her nose and lips and said between both "morning gorgeous" she shook her head in disbelief and kissed me back.

"Morning" she said "what time is it? I feel like lead and what are you doing on the floor?"

An odd expression and I have no idea what she means "eleven thirty, I wanted to look at you" I said not wanting to tell her the truth about her nightmare, so I concluded with "Do you want breakfast?" I asked as I got to my feet.

She yawned a huge yawn and she said "oh crap" as she did so, I watched her try and move, I see what she means by the lead comment, she was stiff, I had to help her out of bed, she was wobbly on her feet and her ankle stiff making walking look painful, I will get Carlisle to talk to her about that before we leave tomorrow afternoon.

Breakfasted, dressed and before we moved to leave orbited each other silently till we held each other, this embrace felt life affirming there was more said in that single act than words could convey, it was strange to feel the same reluctance to leave as I was feeling, to walk to the door was as hard as leaving her when I did, after I closed the door we stood on the porch, she refused to let me carry her so we walked hand in hand to the edge of the ridge, I let her take a look at the terrain she would have to walk down before I offered to carry her again, it was steep and the loose stones would make it hard for her she willingly let me pick her up the feel of her in my arms was, heaven sent and I ran with her till we were a few hundred yards from the house when she taped me on my collar bone to indicate she wanted to walk again.

I have to admit it was nice to walk hand in hand, sharing the same sky, the same pace just being us... before we walked through the last line of trees she stopped, I knew she heard her children's laughter, I'd been hearing it for a few miles the wind carried it to me, they were on their pony's again, we moved to where Bella could and watched hidden by the trees, Rosalie, Alice and Jasper all glanced our way hearing us approach but did not say a word to the children as we watched them. Bella's face was lit up as she absorbed the laughter and memory, she looked at me briefly before moving forward she had tears in her eyes, it is going to be painful for her when they leave her and I felt it too.

I pulled her back holding her where we stood; I placed my hand under her chin lifting her face to mine and kissed her lips gently "I love you, don't ever doubt that" I said and looked up to the scene the other side of the tree line and back to her placing my thumb over her mouth so she could not answer, "forever, whatever happens" I added she nodded and I pulled her in to me. I understood why she did not want Alice to tell us when they would go, the idea of them dying after hearing their innocent gleeful laughter was ripping through me like a million knives.

I pulled away and held her shoulders starring into her luscious blue pools, ashamed that I was drawing on her strength to face the children; I'd seen her save memories like this on more occasions than I thought humanly possible and her switch to being oblivious to scene before her, watery eyes gone as she takes a breath and continues. I wished I knew how she did it, my vampire state meant I could wear an emotionless with ease but for her... she is astounding and I do not pick up from the children that the ever notice her looking sad, always happy to see them.

I took a breath as I watched her compose herself and relayed what I'd heard from my sister "Alice wants to go hunting tonight, I don't want to leave you but it will be the last chance I get for few weeks?" I asked her torn between my need to fill myself properly before we go and not leaving her side after finding her again and knowing that we were starting again as a team, as a couple whatever happens we would face it together.

"Go hunt, you need it, just be safe and come back in one piece" she said softly, touching my face in a way that melts the world into insignificance. "I know that's saft saying that but it feels... more human"

"I'll be back as quick as I can" I said trying to pacify my need to stay

She shook her head "No you take your time and come back when your full, I don't want you half fed if you can avoid it, you need this, please.. if you can't for you then maybe do it for me?" her eyes scanned the forest around us, she knew how much they gave us freedom. She took a breath as she turned back to me and added "When will you go? Now?"

I shook my head, I could not go now and leave her "after the children are in bed, it's easier that way, less explaining, we will be back for breakfast" I added kissing her again and took her hand in mine pulling it to my chest before we walked towards the happy scene before us, Beatrice has mastered the basics and was doing really well her balance is superb for a human child, Alice is a little small and is as floppy as a rag doll, Rosalie is walking next to her in case she falls off but she shows no sign of it and her head is full of confidence, she just looks odd wobbling about with a huge helmet on her tiny head.

They show us their hand painted name signs which they proudly helped screw to the stable doors Alice's named hers Henry and Beatrice's is Maximus having watched Disney's Tangled with Emmett after we left.

We had a slow afternoon playing with the children till supper time and Esme's call for them to wash up; I made my excuses and headed to Carlisle's office I wanted to discuss the food options Bella suggested as a cover up for me not eating, she had spent a lot of time thinking of ways I could hide within the human world, she dreamed I was with her a lit in spite of being dead in her mind.

It is going to be hard for me to hide I don't eat, Bella has warned me off regurgitating having told me she's watched guards do it when they tried her food, I have to admit it's not pleasant and I can't believe she saw it firsthand. But she is from a family of foodies as she puts it and not eating is going to be hard if I'm to be with her officially, we've come up with a ruse that runs along the lines of I had cancer of the oesophagus and it does not work as it should so I take my food directly to my stomach via a peg feed.

Bella suggested this as it is visible, meals times can vary, I could connect the feed to a catheter bag strapped to my leg, I am not sure I like that idea but I can connect the liquid feed up looking as if I'm really using the system and fill one bag from the other, no one will disturb me and we can seal and dispose of the bag when we are at home, no one will suspect and seeing me connected 'normally' should not arouse suspicion and I can take my meals to suite the situation so I can disappear if the sun's out or something like that. I need to run it past Carlisle to iron out the details and ask Alice but it is at last a plausible cover, although I don't like the idea of pretending to be or have been sick although it would or could explain my complexion and temperature.

Carlisle POV

I can see the peg feed idea working; I can provide medical notes and information to support it easily. It will only be needed when they are out so providing them with food is easy, I know it can be purchased over the counter a larger pharmacies and on line which can easily hid the quantities if someone goes digging we can also bring packages of medical supplies from here with us when we visit. Bella is still smart.

"Yes Edward I think Bella's plan to hid this will work" I advised him to ask Alice while they are hunting tonight as to its success, I think he is sceptical as he does not like Bella thinking or worrying about him or us like this, he is very proud but I can see he is mellowing, the changes in him in the last month are staggering, considering he was a shell of a man before Christmas such was his loss, he glows and wears a smile it is a welcome change to see my son as he once was.

I still need to talk to Bella about her breakdown, I'm not sure if medication is needed but she needs to open up about what happened to her, Alice's visions were very graphic and I know there is more to her time with the Volturi she has not said to anyone although I get the feeling she has disclosed more to Edward which is good. I will make time after the girls have gone to bed to talk to their mother.

I know Edward will be gone so the support he offers her will not be here but she may open up if she knows he is away and unable to hear what she says, she is so worried about hurting him; they need each other to rebuild their lives. I pray they will centre each other and support each other as they do so. I can see from their faces that developments in their relationship have happened, they are I guess you could say orbiting again if somewhat slowly and clunky compared to how they flowed around each other before the wedding, but there is a noticeable change in them since yesterday and I am pleased for them both.

As we sit in my office discussing options and problems h may face playing human with Bella and the children, our conversation came to a holt as we hear Bella reading the bedtime story to Alice. A Julia Donaldson I believe, going my the intention of the words, this woman is a great writer the way the words roll from Bella's tongue and she uses accents to characterise the Dog, the Frog, the Cat and Bird. The Dragon is a bit camp but I guess she is reading a children's book and it changes the attack on the witch to an amusing act rather than a potential terrifying one as the dragon discusses eating the witch. I've not heard her read to them before, one of my family is always seconded to this task when she is busy with the other child or more often than not it's the children who make the request.

Esme has made sure and asked that the usual readers be occupied when it came to bedtime tonight she has seen that we have taken over the care of her children without asking Bella, she feels that Bella is very capable it's just everything is so easy for us and we want to give her a break as much as possible, I agree with my wife this could be one of the catalysts for her breakdown removing her daily focus leaving her free to think on other things, that in itself is not a bad thing but I feel responsible for her as her former doctor and near father in law.

"Yes Edward I will talk to her tonight" I said answering his question as we hear her finish the story "but you need to talk to her too, tell her how you feel, let her know more about you" in my head I pushed the vampire aspects as much as I voiced his personality and love for her.

"Carlisle she should not worry or have to know about these things" Was his objection to my unspoken request.

I raised my hand to my son and reminded him "Edward, you know as well as I do what she is capable of handling and that keeping the secret is important, but you also need to remember she has done it for near twenty years, I have not heard her mention the Volturi or us directly or indirectly in her nightmares, if you are to live together as you propose she needs know, a strong relationship needs a firm foundation, get to know each other properly again, show her who you are, let her in, let her see, and be safe, she may open up to you with the things we all know she is holding back" he nodded as we heard Bella switch off the light and had down the stairs.

As she passed my office I noted in my head how silently and smoothly she walked, unlike the clumsiness she used to adorn us with, it was an endearing feature of the young girl but my thoughts changed to those of her persistence to be like us, she discussed it frequently when she was seventeen. "I don't know what she wants Carlisle" Edward answered "she has not once mentioned her wish to be changed or asked to know anymore about the vampire side of who I am, Alice's vision still sees her as changed but I do not know if she wants it, how can I discuss this? and my difficulty when she menstruates which seems to clash with my most thirsty, I still need to desensitize myself, I hate running from her" he concluded after she reached the bottom step and we heard her sit on the sofa and change the TV channel.

"Edward, you need to talk to her, tell her this, I think you will be pleasantly surprised at how she handles your needs and hers" I replied knowing that she had already expressed a desire not to have any of us near her for the first three to four days of her cycle, she did not need to remind she is a mature woman and her body reacts a differently to how it did when she was a teenager.

"Oh" came my sons reply as he saw the conversation replayed in my head "I am a fool, she is unsure, embarrassed to tell me?" I cocked my eyebrow at him.

"Son these things are not easy for a human female to discuss, she has tried already, which is why she spoke to Esme who asked me how best to broach the subject with you, son find the time to talk to her" I said again and brought our discussion to a close as Bella needs to eat and Edward needs to get going if he is to fill himself before day break and have the conversation with Alice.

I find my wife in the laundry folding and ironing our clothes, she was a lot slower than normal as she was folding ready to pack all the children's clothes with extra care holding them to her marvelling that their size, lost in thought. She would love to have a child of her own but these wards of ours for it is what they are with or without Bella agreeing to it are part of our family and in such a short space of time have etched themselves so neatly and so perfectly into everyone of my family, bringing out the best in them all, giving us what we have craved the presence of children, a new generation, of course we could have achieved this by creating vampire off spring but this is forbidden and an entirely unwise cause of action as they are just like Bella's children wistful and stroppy when hungry and I have heard tales of them devouring entire villages, it would give the Volturi more reasons to find grievance with my family.

Bella and Edward are in the kitchen above is, I can hear them moving around cooking as I stand behind my wife holding her close to me, savouring the moment as she places another top on the ever growing pile of our grand children's clothes I smile as that thought floods my mind for this is what we technically are, if Edward was the father or he adopts them as his own, but I feel this is not part of Bella's thinking as much as I think she wants it to be, she has a focus and belief that when they die they will go to be with their father and I do not think giving them the Cullen name will give her that peace of mind.

"Give the kids time Carlisle" Esme whispered to me indicating to the floor above as she set me about sorting the socks in to pairs.

Edwards POV

"Get off... When are you going?" Bella asked me pulling away as I tried to kiss her neck again

"Why are you heating leftovers?" I asked "And not till I know your alright" I added she was quiet and it unnerved me

"Leftovers cause no one else will eat them and I am fine so go, Alice is waiting"

"No Alice is with Jasper and she is not ready to leave just yet..." I knew exactly where and what Alice was doing. She saw our, well Bella and my little hormonal overload yesterday and it sent hers reeling and she and Jasper are out and have been since.. and I'm going to leave it at that before my hormones want more of Bella than they've already had... its taken me this long to get them back in check "I'm good for a while yet, you don't have to eat it you know, just because" I was about to say 'Esme saved it as you asked' but she stopped me.

"Edward, I hate waste, it won't keep even if Esme freezes it, who knows when we are going to get back here she does not need this in her freezer, anyway I liked it, and its kind of comforting" that took me aback, comforting?

"What's wrong love?" I asked knowing how I felt about leaving her for one night to hunt, I was glad Alice was otherwise occupied it meant I could stall without being made to feel guilty.

"Nothing much, if you must know.. I'm just going to miss you, but you need the hunt." I took her face in my hands and looked into her big blue jewels but before I could say anything she added honesty "I could do with you gone, then I can be dealing with it rather than, waiting for you to go wishing you didn't have to, wondering when Alice would appear and... " she signed 'vanished' and mouthed the word 'nothing' I translated that to mean an absence of presence next to her, using the location she placed her hands as she signed it.

I understood that sentiment it was how I felt, with her here next to me she was real, touchable without her the air is cold, a nothing is in her place, the absence of presence, I knew as well as she did _I hoped_ that I was returning and I had planned to be back before the children were up so I could curl up with her full and warmed with fresh blood. Before she was taken and I joined her after a hunt she would curl herself around my belly, I never got to ask her why she did that, I wondered once if she felt the heat the blood still held but could never be sure, I never wanted to discuss my eating habits with her it was bad enough she knew my preference.

I pulled her close to me and kissed her head breathing as much of her scent in as possible. "I'll be as quick as I can" I whispered

She pushed me away and I moved as she wished as she gripped my shirt so I would not move far, looking up at me shaking her head "You go eat, do what you have to do, don't rush" the way she said this was imposing but I could tell the need for me to stay was strong just as strong at the electric buzz that was present after I kissed her, but Bella's meal was finally ready, her rice was done and she was plating up having released me from her grip.

As she headed to the table with her plate I watched as she stopped for a wine glass, I'd swapped her chair for one of the stools and placed her chair behind, so I could sit holding her, I needed to be in contact with her as the clock on the wall ticked the minutes away till I knew Alice would flounce in and whisk me away, Bella stood looking at me as if I was a fool before I gestured for her to sit, I waited for her to settle and just folded myself around her resting my head against her shoulders as lightly as I could and my arms around her waist so she could still move, feeling her body heat soak into me.

"are you alright?" she asked I could not answer, I just breathed controlling my emotions I felt more pathetic by the second.

"Edward?" she questioned with a tone I'd have died to hear three months ago before New Years.

I came to my senses and realised there was more than a question in the way she said my name "yes love what can I?" I faded my answer off

"My glass is empty and your holding me down"

"Oh sorry, would you like me to get you a drink" I said

"Yes please" I looked up to where the bottle was just out of her reach, I got up and removed the cork and poured. I watched as she took a sip, "That's better, thank you" Alice appeared in the door way freshly showered and looking well looking like Alice, innocent and sweet, but I knew from her mind she was ready to leave.

"Come on are you ready?" she said to me then she moved the bottle away from Bella and uttered "that's better. You'll be too drunk make up the stairs if you have a second glass"

"Alice I'm over twenty one and I think I know what I can and cannot handle," and she pulled the bottle closer.

"you know it's not going to work, so you may as well not get drunk" she said, I was about to ask when I saw what Alice was going on about, Bella after two glasses was... let's just say wobbly, not embarrassingly so, just wobbly as she climbed the stairs it reminded me of the first night at the Denali house when I helped her into bed.

"Bella" I whispered in her ear sending unintentional goose pimples to rise down her neck. She knows my question, the aggrieved tone in my voice when she shows concern for me was very present as I said her name.

"I may at least fall asleep not worrying about you this way..." She raised her glass emphasising her statement, she should not worry about me, I wish she wouldn't. I heard Carlisle's voice coming to me from the laundry so Bella would not hear _"Edward, she is allowed to worry for you, just as you worry about her when she does seemingly normal human activities. Does she know you watch her at work as you do? She cannot do that remember, she does not have our abilities"_

Esme added to his statement _"Edward, if the rolls were revered what would you want to know?" _I heard nothing from them except their thoughts which had returned back to the loss of a few socks and the size pile of clothes Alice and Rosalie had added too during the week after a late night shopping trip while Bella and I were away last night.

"Bella" I said, "you know I will be alright, stop worrying and there is no need to drink, you can always ask Jasper to" she shook her head and I shut up as Alice touched my shoulder.

"Bella, we will be back by 3.30am, he will be with you after then" Alice said slightly more sarcastically than I'd have liked "anyway I've got you a desert, it's in the fridge and you need to cook it. Its apparently better than sex" it was at this point jasper appeared

"Really Alice, a desert that is better than sex? I've heard that many times before, I've never found one" Bella's reply had my sister, Bella knew she could not comment on the desert yet her mind was filled with a lot of sexual experiences most of which with Jasper and she could only come up with one animal who's blood was sweeter than how she felt with him but even then it was no comparison.

"May be you will tonight, Bella" she winked at me, a vision of Bella and I together earlier flashed through her head, dam I wish.

It faded as Bella, thanked her for the desert and added "I seriously dough it, kid, now bugger off the pair of you, I want another glass if my favourite wine and then I will see just how much better than sex Alice's desert is"

"You won't be sorry" my sister trilled as she and jasper walked from the room.

"It's a desert Alice.." Bella looked at me and I knew that look instantly "nothing can compare to sex" then she mouthed to me 'except you' she kissed cheek and said "are you going?" as I left the room to join my sister on the deck as Emmett ghosted past opening the fridge door, I watched from his mind as he pulled a chocolate melted centre desert from it and read the instructions.

He flicked it in the air as he put the oven on, "this is better than sex?" he guffawed

"According to your sister, you want to try it?" Bella asked I could see the wine had taken affect on her she was like she was at New Years

Rosalie slapped him upside the head "put the dam thing down Emmett and behave, sorry Bella" she said

"Its fine Rosalie, pass it here let's see what it says" that was the last I saw as everyone faded as we ran into the forest.

"Common Edward, Mountain Lions are this way, I want you good and full she will like that" Alice sung as we jumped the brook and fallen trees that were in our path. The air rushing past my head was exhilarating and revitalizing as Alice pushed me faster and further from the house.

Bella POV

I cooked the 'better than sex' desert and tipped it out into a plate and sat back in my seat, dam I missed Edward I needed to swap the stool for the chair it was uncomfortable not having him of the back of a chair to lean back on, I stared at the chocolate desert calling to my semi drunken state. I played with my spoon and the crusty outside placing bite style indentations to cut the crust, yep true to her word it had a hot runny chocolate inside and I scooped up a little and the crust and looked at it, the smell was, dam good, it made my mouth water as I looked at the spoon savouring the moment. I hardly noticed Emmett appear next to me and I jumped when he asked huskily "are you going to eat that or stare at it all night? Cause it looks like shit on a spoon to me"

Both Esme and Rosalie's voices were clearly heard as the chastised him for his vulgar use of words, it made me smile so I seductively took the spoon in my mouth and played with the contents, rolling it over my tongue, I rolled my eyes as I extracted the now empty spoon and looked at Emmett as I reloaded. I placed the spoon again in my mouth and licked the chocolate off.

Emmett had, had enough and pushed away from the table "that's discussing you know, Does Edward know you play with your food like that?" I shook my head "Man I've never seen anyone make out with their food before. That is... hot"

"Emmett" I heard Rosalie call from the living room she was pissed at him which only pushed me on.

"is it really better than sex?" he said in a conspiratorial way.

I was so far gone after my third glass of wine courtesy of Emmett topping me up I just didn't care, I finished the desert in as seductive manor as I could carry off without cracking up and tuned to him on the last spoon full and said "not even close" it was one of the best chocolate puddings I've tasted in years. I fantasised as to how I could make it better than sex and saw in my head if I used Edwards abdomen the plate I were to eating it off him, with our without the spoon then hell yes it would be better than sex, it would be the closest I'd get to sex with him till we tied the knot. I would gladly lick the platter clean if it were melting on him.

I wondered if he would go for something like that as I made myself a mug of tea and drank a couple of glasses of squash to balance out my alcohol intake, before I tackled the stairs.

* * *

There is an M&S millionairs pudding which is small costs £1 and is wow.. my collegue thought it was better than sex, I'm not sure who's she's been with but it aint nothing like the Gu desert my hubby got us for valenties, it was as described in this a melt in the middle and it was soooo goood, you got to try it, in fact any GU choclolate desert, is wow... an amazing chocolate fix for those times when.. well you know girls... you just have to have...


	23. Disclosure

Disclosure

Edward POV

Alice and I got back to the house around 3.30am as predicted. I could hear Bella's sleep heart rate and saw as we ran to the house the lights off in our room and that of the Children's making me feel suddenly less anxious as the night without me had passed uneventful.

The thoughts from my father were of Bella and their talk; she sat herself apart from everyone for most of the evening, I saw in his head that she was drunk as he spoke to her before she headed up to bed _'she will be alright son'_ his words came to me, _'she needs time she will be fine, no more pushing or over helping she needs to be in control of her life again, remember what I said son, share your thoughts and feelings it will make you both stronger, now go and be with her she went to bed around 10pm and has been a bit unsettled although she has not woken'_

I bid everyone goodnight, and went up to my beloved, she was curled in the centre of the bed, it looked like she had moved across in her sleep searching for me, I washed and changed in to my pyjama's and climbed in next to her, immediately she stirred and wrapped herself around my belly as if she were seeking heat, she fidgeted till she rested her head against my navel, her warm ear and cheek touching my skin and her arm resting just above the waist band of my pants, her leg was now wrapped over both mine locking me in place, I was in heaven, her warmth burning through me and her warm breaths on my skin sent waves of peace through me.

I lost myself in her for a while as I lay there thinking of what Alice and I discussed, she knows I asked her to marry me and she knows Bella's answer but has agreed to keep it to herself at least till we are out of the country. My curiosity got the better of me after my first deer and I asked her about the children. my sister knows what Bella would do if she found out and I got nothing but static from her mind as she focused on the intricate details in the bark of the spruce tree we were standing next to.

Bella moved herself, I felt her hips undulate much as they did the other night when we lost nearly control of ourselves, she was murmuring but her words were incoherent even for my hearing, she jumped a few times and pushed herself next to me as I thought of how I could tell her what I'd eaten and how I moved round to take down the last mountain lion, Alice suggested I tried telling Bella the answers to the questions I asked her about her meals, how do you compare a meat eating animal to one that eats grass and bark? Alice seems to think Bella may have some an idea about this but she will not disclose the details.

I realised Bella was awake and looking up at me in the dark her blue eyes wide and beautiful, "did I wake you" I asked her softly

"no, do you mind me holding you like this?"

"No Bella, I like it as long as you are not getting cold?" I smiled at her but she would not know in this light, I went to switch the light on the night stand closest to me on, she must have felt me stretch.

"Leave it off please" she whispered and there was a crack to her voice

"Are you alright?" I asked her picking up on it.

"fine, I want... talk to you" she said sheepishly

"I'm listening" I said, I always was

"Take me running?" she asked, it worried me how she asked, she normally asked 'if I would' or 'could I' and at more human hours

"Now?" it was four in the morning, she liked her sleep especially when we have travelling to do?

"Now would be nice please, would someone be able to listen out for the girls?" I heard the answer, as I put the light and let her know Rosalie and Esme replied, we dressed in silence, I helped her with her socks and shoes for speed, held her tight to me kissing her nose and jumped from our window. As soon as I landed I repositioned Bella on my back, feeling her grip me as tight as she could before I ran.

I ran as hard and as fast as I dare with her with me, I would not stop till I knew I was out of listening range of my family, I was half way to my cabin and wondered briefly if I should take us there, I could at least set her down where I could keep her warm in the damp morning air, but I felt her tears on the back of my neck and heard her sniff them back.

I stopped and pulled her round into my arms cradling her there as if she were a child, I looked at her tear streaked face. "What is it Love?" Concern flooding my heart "Bella". She shook her head which made no sense to me, I wish I could hear her thoughts "Bella" I asked again as soft as I could with my nose on hers, her silence was crushing and her tears flowed without the sob that normally accompanies them.

"I…. I. N...Oh Edward" she stumbled over her words which I hated to see, she knows or should know she has nothing to fear from me she can speak openly.

"Bella, what is it, what's wrong? Tell me love" I asked again

"I missed you, that's all"

"I missed you too but what's this really about" I knew her far to well to know this was not all that was wrong. She would not have asked to talk to me and to have run at this hour if it were that she missed me.

She took my hand as I wiped her tears from her face "put me down, please" I did as she asked, making sure her feet were on a steady rock so not to get her feet wet as worry filling my heart and head as she brought my hand to her chest "I don't want to sound more pathetic than I already do in front of your family" she started to say "will you always be with me, is that what you want?" I nodded

"Yes Bella I will, What's this about and none of them think your pathetic"

"Ye right.." she was building her defences again I could hear it and see it in her

"trust me, they don't think that, but your worrying me love, what is it?"

I watched her waiting for her to speak for longer than was comfortable, I rubbed her arm seeing her face twitch as she contemplated her words "Bella Love"

Silence reigned between us and I was becoming impatient as I knew the hour was late and due was rising I did not want my love to get sick. I closed my eyes to focus on not being frustrated, when she spoke in a conspiratorial whisper "I can't go back, there"

I knew I heard her perfectly but "what?" then I added shaking my head "where?" not knowing which there she was refereeing to.

"Home, back to being Emma... I can't do it... I can't shut me away... I don't want to" with each burst of words she became more frantic in herself, her eyes screamed at me that she was scarred, she drew her fingernails down her arms till I caught them to stop her, I could not understand what the change was or why she was like this.

"Has something happened? Has someone said something to upset you" she shook her head at my questions.

"if I try to explain it will hurt you and I don't want to do that anymore" she said rocking herself

"tell me Bella, you won't hurt me, you know you can't, just tell me what's the matter, I can help" I hoped I could at any rate.

"I will, I do, I see it in you as soon as I... it will rip you up inside just as it is me, I can't tell you, just know I can't go back..." she shook her head screwing her face up agonising over whatever it was inside her

"Bella Please"

"I saw it in my dream, briefly... I can't do it, I can't go back Edward" I went to comfort her but she spun away from me, which hurt a little that she would not let me comfort her or at last stop her rocking and pacing I was feeling anxious inside watching her.

"What about your home can't you go back to?" I asked in desperation at some kind of answer as my brain had sifted everything and had drawn a blank but I was not dumb enough to tell her this as there always something I over looked.

"We will look for a house, I've told you already and Esme has been looking already tonight and has a list she thinks we should look at, Alice has seen we need our private space and they have come up with some designs and features they think will help"

I was about to continue reassuring her when she blurted out "there are things I do not know about you and you avoid telling me, I can't go back to what I was, lock myself away and pretend I don't exist when your with me.. I don't want to be Emma again not now I've turned the coin over not now everything I hid is so exposed I don't want to have to put Bella back in her box, Dam it Edward it took me the best part of this week dig her out and it hurt I can't put her away,... I just can't... Put me away to be her again...and not know more about what you need.. what if.. Ahh" her agony was etched everywhere on her face, her voice her smell...

"You don't have to do that Bella? You are both people" I started to say, I understood what Carlisle said about sharing aspects of my life with her, there were so many questions I wanted answers to right now all of which Bella at some point in time has asked me and I refused to answer them...

"NO... there is a whole world that Emma lives in and I don't want to go back to feeling, acting and think that way.. I've found myself and I like that you all want to help and want to be around me, I like the way everyone talks to me like they used to. I am frightened of slipping up and showing Emma's family I am not their daughter... everything about you and your family is so different to that which the Emma's family aspire to, you are a great catch because your father is a doctor, mother designs interiors and sister a Paris fashion designer.. get the picture... I will have to stoop back to that level and play at being money grabbing bitch and it's not like that it's not how I feel and I know you will hear every word said and I know it will cut you as deeply as any knife"

"I want to know what you ate tonight, what makes you smell so good and feel so warm, I have a million questions just to remind me that I am in love with a vampire and I'm not loosing myself to Emma's world again. I feel stupid enough for mentioning the peg feed thing, just so I could have you near me when I next saw them, just so I could feel strong and not alone when I laugh at the crass jokes, Christ have to not heard the way my mother spoke of you when we were skiing"

I listened to her and let her words sink in, I'd asked her so many times to explain the pleasure in the meals she ate and the difference in taste in Beef and Pork.. she wants to know the same, I am shocked and pleased that she can feel the warmth from the blood in my system. But it feels awkward to explain this to her, explaining the monster I am.

My thoughts were brought crashing back to earth when I heard her scream out in pain her words repeating 'I can't go back' I watched her pace back and forth, frozen to the spot unable to help her knowing she has to, not taking her would be as bad as the options of changing her.

I heard my brothers running towards us, they heard her cry out, it was a very guttural and pain filled scream and it echoed my feelings the other night. She stopped her pacing and breathing completely and starred in the direction my brothers were coming from, she vanished from view for a second hiding behind her shield and reappeared looking at me "Jasper and Emmett?" she said questioning me, she was correct but before I could ask her how she knew they came to a holt, it was far too dark under the canopy for her to see, her hearing as a human she could not hear them approach so how did she know?

"What's up Dude" Emmett said as he punched my shoulder "we thought he was... killing you Bella" he continued to Bella, we all saw her turn her head to locate the sound of his voice, she... she can't see, then how? _What's with her bro?_ He asked me from his thoughts.

I shook my head at my brothers as I looked at Jasper as Bella continued her pacing and repeated her dislike to going home his thoughts were filled with agonising emotions, _she's terrified of something _his words came to me.

I watched Jasper walk closer to her and she looked at him, that took him a back he was stealthy and silent If I had not seen him and without my vampire senses I'd not have known he'd moved but she knew and she looked in his direction _'Wow, did she just do that?' _he asked I shrugged _'let's try and find out what she's hiding behind' _I nodded and gestured with my hand for him to go ahead, I'd seen in his mind what he was about to do and it looked safe enough.

"Bella" Jasper said and we watched her flinch at his nearness, it was as if she knew someone was moving towards her but did not know who. He said he name again from a different side, she followed his movements as he circled her. He looked at me questioningly.

"Emma" he said, the feelings he felt from her flushed harshly, hate and loathing

"Edward" I felt them lighten and through Jasper felt her feel safe and warm

"Emmett" she felt safe with Emmett.

"Little Alice" again her mood changed, I felt the immense love she as for her children the same happened when he said Beatrice's name.

I saw in his head what he was about to do "Dawn" her feelings of loathing returned mixed with compassion and confusion, then the big one.

"Volturi" I nearly stumbled at what I felt hit Jasper as he said this, every hateful, disdainful and fear filled emotion a human has seemed to whack him as if he were hit across the middle with a baseball bat and I watched him step backwards.

He was a brave man to say "Aro" after her reaction, "Marcus, Caius" Emmett and I did not have to feel the emotions to get an idea of what she felt, every word I've ever known was cussed from her angry lips..

"Gees, I never knew she knew so many, it puts me to shame" Emmett jested to my right, but it was Emmett who stepped up to Bella to help her.. "Come on girl, you can't use words like that and not have any reason behind them" For all that's Holy I watched my Bella, my sweet Bella launch herself at Emmett, Jasper held me back as she attached him with more force that she did with his wife.

"Bastards knew what they were doing" she said as she wrestled with Emmett blindly, I was glad to see he absorbed enough of her aggression to not hurt herself, catching each hand and slowing it to expel the energy behind her hits, punches and shoves "screwed around with my life.. I hate them, I... bastards knew what they were doing... took me way from the first place I felt I truly belonged and... Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"

She hit him hard and I watched as he stumbled back over a tree stump to break the impact so she wouldn't harm herself, I watched as he cushioned her hands as she hit and punched at him repeatedly, never saying a word out loud except in his head _'Shit she's got some aggression in her, I'm glad she's getting this out now remind me not to piss her off when she's a newborn' _

The word newborn cut me, it reminded me of my denial of changing her and my wish to have done it when she asked so she would have been safe. He continued with each hit and each punch she made silently encouraging her to push harder, Jasper was equally encouraging yet did nothing to spur her on with his gift as I felt her rage within him diminish slightly... I saw from both of them that they had planned to take her out to the gym to do this with a punching bag and boxing gloves but she was far too drunk and quiet after her chat with Carlisle to risk it.

"Made me change to save those I..., made me comply just so they lived... Made me stay as Emma against my will... promised me... threatened me...Fucking Bastards..."

She stood breathless as Jasper moved in and pushed her buttons some more feeling she was not done yet and whispered with an angry tone to his voice as I cringed "you killed my wife" there was no movement at all from Bella, Emmett got up from the floor and dusted himself off a little. Jasper was filled or hit depending on your view point by remorse, and sadness I was confused as to which of Jasper or Bella was the most upset.. he knew it was a lie but I could tell he was also fighting his reaction to her emotions, he pulled himself together as I touched his shoulder _'Sorry I had to ask her, Edward' _I nodded _'sorry about this too, she needs to get it out of her system, she can't go home like this we opened her hide away at Christmas, I guess we lit the fuse then, I've been waiting for it to go off since, better get it out of her here than in Britain' he said _

"You Killed him" he said coldly, I braced myself, as every emotion I felt from Jasper had dwelled within me after she was taken. It was the same emotions I feared would overwhelm me when the children died and would rendered unable to support her as I crumbled again with the loss of someone I cared so much about...

"Lies, and more lies I could not prove, I could not prove... I shut Bella away... I had to keep her safe till she could find him, be with him, I could not hurt anyone else.. I did as I was told so they'd leave everyone alive.. I was stupid and I failed... I hate it, I hate it.. but I can't go back to that now... I woke up here I want to be here, Don't make me go back, I will slip up, I will fail again... I can't do it I can't go back..."

She was rocking and scratching herself as she spoke her shut away fears in to words; we left her mumbling her mantra again while we had a vamp speed conversation trying to work out what to do? Should we call Carlisle? Sedate her or leave her to work it out of her system, all were good options for all of us, Emmett preferred it when she was trying to fight him as to scratching her skin and I could tell that Jasper had the same views he was cringing waiting for her blood to surface but it never did...

"you know I even pushed Emma into the same dam box as Bella after those bastards attached us, one looked like you, in size anyway" she spun round and pushed Emmett again his eyes widened none of us had any information on her attack except it happened, she has her scars and that she and the girls are weary of men, Emmett's head was now as full of rage as the rest of us had been, but ours was fuelled by the emotions Bella was giving off.

His words echoed those of our own "my size, that's wrong man. To those little angels, don't let Rose know she will kill them, literally, I have no mind to stop her either.. Dam, that's wrong"

"Ahhhh" came her scream again "stop talking about me, its driving me insane at least do it so I can hear" we all stopped and looked at her, she had never mentioned she could hear our conversations..

"Bella Love" I said curiously "you can hear us?"

"Oh for Fuck sake Edward yes..." it made me jump to be the target of her anger "I can just about see you too, when you don't move but I know where you are when you do.. What of it, just stop – it hurts my ears, it's too high pitched" she said pulling her hands to her head which at least stopped the scratching for a while.

"Ma am" Jasper said with an air of caution in his voice "how long have you been hearing us speak?"

"Since I got back from Skiing, I guess or soon after.. why?" she snapped

"You're human! You should not be able to..." he continued in his southern draw, even I felt her relax as he spoke to her

"What? She can? Dude..." Emmett said as he swung round hearing Carlisle, Alice and Esme approach, lord love my sister...

"Well of course she can dummies" Alice thrilled as she bounced in to view, Bella's head swung round blindly unseeing as they moved closer "it's the power of Edward kiss" she said as she bounced off my shoulder in a jovial way, then it hit me Bella said the venom the guard spiked her meals and drinks made her heal it must affect other parts of her and since we're kissing more.. well more passionately knowing she is not affected that way by my venom she must be absorbing.. and its.. Oh my...

"What else can Super Bells do" Emmett cut in,

"not a good choice of words bro..." Jasper added as he winced again at another emotional tirent.

"I'm not super I'm despicable, you've all been so nice and accepting of us and... well I know you talk about me I just hid it hoping I'd get some idea of what you actually said.. but it does not change anything I can't face going back not now I'm out and I'm here, there are too many what if's" she stuttered out with as much force as she'd been using and returned to the mantra she'd been muttering between beating Emmett up 'can't go back'

Esme, brought a coat with her and helped Bella into it as she asked "what's the worst that can happen Bella?"

I watched my love screw her face up tightly fighting tears that were building behind her closed lids, the rocking started up again and I heard Carlisle's concerned thoughts float to me '_how long has she been doing this?' _I shook my head at him as I did not want to answer now Bella was answering Esme.

"The worst, I loose you, Marcus finds out and they come here.. or they kill Renee or Caius goes to Emma's family, my children... or..." she turned to me "I wish you hadn't picked me up after I fell, I wish you hadn't woken me like you did.. I never thought about going back and I'm scared" fear was rolling off her from Jasper and I swallowed hard but he shook his head he was not picking up emotions linked to regret , just the fear of going back... it gave me hope...

"how can I hide what he is when I don't know how to keep him safe" she continued to my mother motioning her head to me

"you do not need to concern yourself with my safety my love" I heard my father cough and the warnings from my sister and Jasper in my head..

"Bella" Esme calmly spoke.. "it is hard for any of us to explain some of our less human characteristics, we know what they are because our partners share the same.. Edwards needs to share these with you if you are to be together and keep you human.. I agree" she looked at me with a look that told me I should tell the truth, I should have told her before and I knew this.. deep in my core I knew I should have answered all Bella's questions when she asked them all those years ago..

"Bella" I said "let's go back to the house, we can talk in the warm, its late love the suns rising" she shook her head and her body started to shake and the got more aggressive as the ripped through her body.

Jasper snapped his head up, blank from every emption in a second as her head rolled and called "Carlisle" as Esme caught her as she slumped fitting.

"put her down, put her down" his Doctors tone ringing across the expanse between him and his wife. I watched as he moved to Bella I was frozen unable to move with the sight of my love's body fitting violently on the floor, such was her fear it had broken her again, I had broken her again..

"No Carlisle" Alice piped up "if you sedate her she will not come back to us" we looked at Alice she shook her head "she will stay lost if you do it, is she will not come back to America, she needs to trust us not to do what her family have done to her"

We looked at Alice, it was Carlisle who spoke "what do you know Alice?" he asked

"I did some snooping... there are letters from her family requesting sectioning.. When they were declined they drugged her themselves to keep her from having the nightmares before when she dreamed of us and after the attack.. in their letter our names were stated that she was asking us for help in her dreams.. There is no mention of monsters, creatures of the night or vampires in any turn of phrase in any analysis reports or letter I've seen"

"That is a huge breach of patient confidentiality Alice" Carlisle scolded

"not if the papers are all copies and in an old file I found in a draw upstairs in her house it's not" she flourished, I was thinking how I could tell Bella what she wanted to know, how I could show her what I am? the monster I hide from her, I have asked and she has shown me so many aspects of her life, shared some of her fears with me, she has saved me on more than one occasion, If I were to keep her human could I keep the true nature of what I am of what we are from her, she knows what we are and what we basically eat... she knows so much already she can't want to see for herself, she has already confessed to seeing the Volturi feed what is the difference? I do not want her to associate me with them?

"It will be alright Edward, you will keep her safe, it will help you to explain and she will open up to you, I've seen it Edward" Alice's said as she helped Bella up from the floor now she had stopped fitting, Carlisle was giving her a quick check of her vitals while she sat on a rock.

How would I feel if Bella kept something from me, something big about herself? She had and this was the outcome, I need to know more for her life the little things she has not told me, I rubbed my temples and bridge of my nose as I thought and Carlisle asked Bella if she was alright.

Would I trust her if she? If the roles were reversed Esme said.. Christ I'd want to know, I watch her feed often enough, it makes me happy inside to know she is well fed, she has not rushed, it's just not something I think she should see, she may see me in a different light? Alice was blocking her current vision from me, dam her but she hold Jasper and Emmett back to stay with me a little longer I wish she knew why as Esme and Carlisle leavening Bella with us.

Alice walked Bella over to me and tucked her under my arm bringing it down around her from my face where I was rubbing the tension from my temples, I watched my sister as she backed away nodding at me her thoughts _'you can do this Edward, I know you can' _do what? We had all been standing still for so long I took a deep breath before I moved to take her home and could smell a herd of deer less than a few miles off from our location near the watering hole, by the rocks; it's a very secluded and very open part of the park... My thought trailed as Bella's hand touched me "take me home" she breathed wearily.

I turned with Bella under my arm to leave and faced my brothers who stood like a wall blocking our initial path, both their minds were filled with _'show her'_ Emmett's thoughts took Bella to the ridge line above the watering hole, she would be down wind and hidden so not to startle the creatures, from his vantage point Emmett could see the open ground below, with first light filling the sky it would not be hard for Bella to see me from there. it made me nervous to even think about what they were suggesting, what everyone had been suggesting I do, What if I lost control, I'd loose my love, my life and the mother of my wards.

I felt calmness descend as Jasper walked up to me, he looked at Bella and smiled "Ma am, go with Emmett a moment" then he turned his attention to me in his head I heard _'she's shown you and told you so much in the last few days, she has stuck by you when others would have run, what is so hard to show her this? I will be near and Emmett is with her you will not harm her Alice has seen, maybe you will surprise yourself and find that other things come easily too' _I saw his eye brow raise at that his mind can be as one tracked as Emmett's.

I was glad it was Jasper with me and not Bella, I would have liked for me to have my favourite brother next to me to lighten my mood, I'm about to make a kill in front of the woman I love but I know Emmett has the strength to slow me if I were to ... I can't think the worst its screaming at me already and I've lost my appetite, not that I am all that thirsty having fed well enough with Alice to last me a couple of weeks.

I head Emmett's signal, I'd been listening to their conversation all the way to the ridge, Bella can whisper really quietly, she knows if he stands she is to use her shield and move out of the way, this is a precaution just in case I loose it and follow her scent. Jasper is still calming me as we get to the point of no return, he is not thirsty so will not be a danger to Bella either but it is still a worry to me if he does, I am not sure how much control any of us have when we have given ourselves over to our senses.

"Ready" Jasper said and he watched me and removed his calming effect from me as I loose myself tentatively to my senses and pick up the scent of the deer. He ghosted off somewhere as I started walking forwards staying downwind as I cautiously moved forwards watching them so I would not be distracted.

Bella's POV

I'm numb, I really do not want to be Emma again, I can't keep up the pretence of being two people, as much as I want Edward with me I am afraid, now Bella is out of her box and free I will forget who I am when I'm with the wrong people.. It's been so nice here to live again, to feel alive, to feel like the girl who was about to marry and become a Cullen.. feeling so loved and a part of a family again..

I have no idea what this is all about why Emmett is taking me off and warning me to shield myself and move away if he stands.. Christ he is standing now when does he get down?.. I feel a little bad for attaching him but he said he quite like being a punching bag for a woman who can't actually hurt him, it sounds like Rosalie hits him a lot...

My body aches after my fit, I assume that's what it I had? Carlisle was checking me out and asking all those kinds of questions.. I guess I found my limit again and rather than falling I... Christ we fly home in a few hours, it's been a while since I was up this late with Edward and here.. America at last the last time was Forks.. I wanted to run away but I'm too old for that game, it was nice to feel the speed from Edward though as he ran.

"Bella Climb on my back" I heard from Emmett has he crouched down in front of me, there was a steep rock face in front of us, I hope I can hang on? "Don't say a word now, just follow me" he said before he shot up with his hand on my ass, I am so going to hit him for that...

I have never seen a view quite like this one, we're not quite above the trees but there is a huge herd of deer below at the watering hole, I've not seen one like that out of captivity. I crawled next to Emmett who pointed out a figure below next to some rocks. Good god its Edward.. I put my hand over my mouth and watched, I looked at Emmett for conformation, dam he can be a nonchalant git sometimes, he just tipped his head for me to keep watching.. does Edward know about this? I wanted to ask as Edward still staring at the larger deer closest to him ran. My breathing stopped at the speed he ran at, blur of denim and his blue shirt as I gripped Emmett just in case, feeling him chuckle next to me.

Gees.. Edward struck, he got the big one, this is like watching the lions on Big Cat diary, he has such grace, so quiet I never heard a sound not even from the creature as it struggled for a few moments, I closed my eyes as I felt my neck muscles contract and I found it hard to swallow as memories of the guards killing the human pray in the feeding room haunted me a little, Edward was so much more gentle more humane?

Emmett tapped my hand which was still gripping my arm and smiled at me as we watched the scene below and Edward finished his meal as Jasper walked out of the trees dragging another deer with him, I could see an exchange of words was happening and when Jasper looked up at us and I felt Emmett's big strong arms rap around me the world vanished in a blur as we fell... a long way.. That made me feel sick at least Edward announces he's about to do that.

I was stood next to the dead carcass as Edward stood up, I hid behind Emmett a little afraid of Edwards warnings, I knew how potent my blood was for him and this or at least when he had given himself over to the kill I knew I was in more danger I never forgot that. No one said a word as Jasper presented Edward with the unconscious animal and dragged the other one away like it was as light as a feather.

Edward did not looking at me, but called me over with a wave of his arm, "Breath Bella" Jasper said "he is quite in control" I bent down next to the creature and put my hand where Edward indicated. The creature was warm and breathing but I could see that from where I stood in Emmett's shadow. Edward took my hand and held it, stroking the animal up its body and to its neck, I stumbled over the creature as my arm did not extend enough from my body and found I was promptly lifted to Edwards side by Jasper, I was now sandwiched between the creature and Edward who still did not look at me directly.

With my hand under his he stroked up the neck till he stopped. With my fingers he felt for the artery, he stroked it a little with my hand before removing it, I felt the pulse there, the flow of blood as he pushed my fingers around the life sauce.

I watched as I as Edward pull it to his face breathing it in, I saw his body change, I was too close, I'd not been this close with the guards. My breathing hitched and my heart near jumped from my chest, an immediate calm chaser followed the panic that screamed in me and jasper was next to me "Ma am" he said looking at me smiling "Breath" he took my hands and placed them on Edwards back and left me.

I looked at Edward who was still stroking the creature gently "I'm in control Bella" he said still not looking up at me "hold me please" he begged. I obliged and folded myself around his crouched back, he found my fingers again and placed them on the back of his neck and got me to stroke him by his ear, something I do when I want to relax him.

I felt him breathing, taking deep breaths and then...He lunged, I heard the tear of flesh and the gush of blood from where I was curled my head and ear as on the back of Edward's neck as I continued to stroke him, hearing every swallow as he made it.

I'm not sure what came over me after the creature stopped writhing, my other hand came round to Edward's throat and found his Adams apple, I splayed my fingers so I could feel from his soft under chin right down his throat feeling ever blood filled mouth full swallowed, I was not grossed out or in fact bothered by what I felt, it was warm, I immediately stopped stroking his ear an urgency in me took over as I curled my other hand round under his shirt and pulled it clean from his jeans so I could push my hand to his belly... warmth.. I squeezed him, just a little and I felt him head roll to my arm under his chin squishing it a little in response..

I breathed a soft contented groan and was rewarded by a purr from beep in his throat, I had forgotten Emmett and Jasper who were still stood close by it was not until Emmett piped up "I wish Rose would hold me like that"

Jasper's comment made me laugh "you eat bear she's not going to want to get her dress all ripped while you fight it to submission with her on your back is she"

I forgot myself for a moment caught up in the familiar Cullen banter "what do you do with the carcass? Won't it contaminate the water here if you leave it?" Edward was still swallowing feverishly under my hand, I'd kind of got the measure of the feeding frenzy he once spoke of but I was so relaxed with him as his I felt his body continue to reacted under me as if it were the last meal on earth, I'd learned not to touch the food sauce while with the guards, they would get real angry and aggressive, growling and snarling if anyone touched their pray or touched it, it was very primeval and more frightening than watching them make the kill, it was also the most dangerous time for me, so I resisted the urge to stroke the deer again as it slumped next to us breathing its last staggered and fought breaths.

"We dispose of them so the carnivores find them" Emmett said calmly

"Oh that does not sound too fair on the others" I chipped in

"What do you mean?" Emmett said

"That makes your hunt easier does it.. you know entrapment" I raised my hand from Edwards belly leaving the other in place enjoying the feeling of his throat as his gulps keep a steady rhythm flushing the hot blood down to his belly. I used my free hand to pan a vision as I said "I can see unfit bears who know where to look for free meal, Bear takeout rather than fighting for it" it was good to feel laughter under me from Edward, and I think he chocked in a mouth full and I kissed the back of his shirt in response, Jasper gave Emmett a knowing look.. and Emmett hit him back.

I was lost in the sight of the brothers warring, a typical Cullen sight really and we could have been in their house just as easily as out here. The sun was now up and my watch said 5.30am I felt Edwards hands take mine from his neck "are you alright" he said looking at me with intensely bright golden eyes I smiled and nodded a reply.

"and you?" I asked back.

"Good" Emmett boomed "our job is done I want to get back, I love watching the milk turn chocolaty and it's my turn to put the milk on the Weetabix I love to watch them collapse when you add the hot milk, wow man, you gota see it" Emmett said and shot off "Come on Jasper leave the love birds" his voice echoed somewhere way off and Jasper turned and followed leaving us alone after we exchanged looks indicating Emmett's questionable mental state. There are days when you need a reality check, after hearing that... well.. Life as a Cullen I guess..

"Why did you do that?" I asked when the laughter faded and the silence got the better of me after he returned from disposing of the creature.

"You wanted to see, to know, you used to drive me insane asking" Edward said

"Ye but.. I never thought you would, you were always so.. against it, which is why I've not asked since... and I know better now"

"I still am, it's not safe Bella.. I could so.."

I turned in his arms and placed a finger over his mouth "shh, I'm sorry for earlier.. I woke from a bad dream and you were not there.. My head played games, I heard sounds I could not explain and everything seemed to crash down around me again... I felt very lonely and empty, not just because I was in an empty bed"

"Bella.. is that why you don't want to go back?" he asked concern pouring from him, his eyes were the most expressive.

"A little, I felt like me again for the first time since I was taken, I felt whole and I feel like I'm home, if you can understand what I mean..." he nodded "the idea of going back to being someone else... it scares me" I said honestly staring up into his eyes "the only way I cope with my new life was to be in control, use my training, to know everything, who's where, what they are doing, the Volturi drummed this into me"

I breathed in a deep breath as memories of 24 to 36 hour training sessions collided with my now tired state "I was trained to change my accent which I've told you about but I was also trained to locate where sounds and taught how to keep my balance, it felt like I was being trained to be a human vampire, you know with all your enhanced abilities only I can't run... which is why I got caught and Alice died"

"What?" he questioned staring at me as the sun hit the top of the trees behind him. I tried to avoid telling him what actually happened that day, it was a particular tough day, I was being teased by everyone till I found out why... and I was not exactly running... he lifted my head to face his and stared into my eyes dazzling me, "Bella, what happened, I'd like to know"

I closed my eyes and hid myself in his embrace after a few breaths I decided it was time to come clean on this one "it was the first time I knew something was changing me, I knew they put something in my food cause the taste changed from day to day.. Everyone was taunting me from after dark onwards, Cailus and Athenodora pulled me from my bed and the lessons started earlier than normal, I have no idea of the time but I was always aware of that dam clock chiming way"

Edward pulled my head away from his chest to look at me to ask but never said anything, "the clock in the plaza" I went on to clarify "every time it struck twelve my body went mental and they knew it" I was pulled back into his arms so tightly and felt his head cover mine as he remembered the reason this clock would be so painful to me.

"I guess they picked up on it... I had no idea what day it was or anything, I was tested and tested because I was getting it wrong as the sun rose cause I was so tired, the guard kicked my plate to me across the floor where I was lain, he was the evilest one up to that point.. as I ate my meal as he taunted me repeating 'Saint Marcus Day' it didn't make any sense to me till he dragged me to the window and I saw the sea of red in the streets below, each time that dam clock chimed he made a comment about you.. he turned left me alone for a minute and I ran... I could not take any more. I'm sorry Edward I lied... I did not climb from that window ...I jumped"

He pulled me in tighter nearly crushing me till me expelled breath wheezed from me and he loosened his grip.. "I didn't look when I jumped my eyes were tight shut till I landed" I laughed a little at the memory "I landed on my feet, unscathed and I ran up the roof away from the tower, I didn't slip once, I swear you were with me, I had no other reason for landing that fall or not slipping, it was my inability to run that got me caught"

"Anyway, I'm still alive and I was punished and had to watch Alice... and the guards who taunted me that morning die" I added.

"I'm sorry, so sorry" he whimpered painfully into my head

"Edward, what they taught me helped me cope with the changes in my life, I have drawn in the basics for practically everything since then, to take you back and move forward with you, I need to know everything, I can't not know I won't cope if you protect me from things like you did when Victoria was after me, I will always worry, I can't protect us or my children if I do not know what the danger is, I will pick it up from you no matter how hard to you try to hide it, I will become clumsy and mistakes will happen"

"With you near me now, if the Volturi find out they are not going to like it.. I know, they will know I know they lied to me and that will make them worried, they are already scared of you, of your family. You know they want you and Alice on their side, captive or willing it will make no difference to them they will hold you to the same ransom as they did me, the your family intimidate them, you are so much more than they will ever be and it makes them nervous"

"How do you know this" he asked me calmly

"I became part of the furniture I guess and they forgot I was in the same room and stopped checking if I was awake or asleep when they spoke, I was chained to Marcus's chair like a pet dog from time to time, it was the only time I really got to sleep feeling safe if you can call it that, but I always woke when I heard your names, my hearing picked it out of the quietest whisperings, a bit like your conversations which annoy the hell out of me, innate discussions I don't mind but the ones with our names, my name make my ears prick and it gets painful as I try to listen in.. it's like translating a foreign language I understand the subject but I have no idea what's being said"

"Just stop hiding things form me for my own good" I concluded.

"I will try, did seeing me hunt help you... help explain.. show you what...?" he stumbled out

"Ah Edward, it did but it was not necessary, I've seen enough hunting of the human kind and what I saw was a safe and staged, you know it, I have no intention of being near you when you do that again... unless it's necessary.. Your warnings screamed at me every time I was a guest at meal times... It was good to have your brothers around.. so I guess no.. and yes" I floundered

"which?"

"Yes because you were so amazing, so elegant and nothing like the brutal way the guards fed" my head threw images of tipped necks and.. I shook it off blinking for a moment, I have since then found it hard to watch men kiss their girlfriends necks from behind, I hated feeling it too except from Edward? it always reminds me of strong jaws and warm flesh and all the sounds I grew accustomed to, it was nice or weird I'm, not sure which to hear the same sounds from Edward when I was holding him, I guess that was why I held him as I did, it was so different, and I like it when he kisses my neck like that, I think it's a trust thing, I know exactly what could happen and he won't.

Then my head filled with a different desire "I like the way you feel when you return from a hunt, you smell different and..." it kind of turned me on a little but I had intention in telling him that, I was having enough trouble not jumping him as it was after feeling his body warm like that "I know now it's the fresh blood that makes your belly warm, I love it."

His face wrinkled up in discus at my comments "hay you asked... I can't help how I feel any more than you can, what's the difference... It was good to see though, it has changed the images in my head, I don't think there is any aspect of your true self that can scare me"

We walked hand in hand back towards the house, when the ground got too slimy underfoot Edward picked me up and carried me in his arms, "I will try to not hide things from you" he added as we walked in the kitchen door to the smell of bacon, as a plate of bacon sandwiches was presented to us.

* * *

**This seems like a nice place to stop for a bit, give my fingers a break...**

**I guess I should ask do you want me to continue or not?**

**Do you want to know about the house and the features Esme and Alice have dreamed up? ****Their Engagement, Wedding and what happens to the children? ****Do they get to lose Emma from their lives and how? ****Oh! my we have not even mentioned Jacob yet? Do you want to know about their reunion? And what happens when they visit Forks? Will Edward turn Bella or not or have the years that have passed changed her mind?**

**Go in please let me know... **


	24. Revelations in the attic

**Revelations in the attic.. **and you know I don't own the characters...

Edward brings us up to date from Feb to July

Contains lemons

Edwards POV

If I thought January and February were strained it was nothing compared our return from the emotionally exhausting week away _(for my human charges)_ with my family. It has done nothing to change how I feel about Bella, in fact it has intensified everything I love about her but she is struggling, she was quiet on the plane, sleeping a lot curled next to me, it was like at New Years when she did not let me go, I had to remind her to eat when her food arrived and have spent much of the month reminding her to eat after the children have gone to bed, I wish I could read her mind to know what's going on in there.

Rosalie and Emmett travelled with us to watch the children, it puts my mind at ease knowing there is at least one of us to one of them so we can better protect better if we need to, I have not been given any warning from Alice that there is danger near but it feels better in my gut to know I'm not looking out for the three of them as we travel, I realise as fast as I am I can't save them all and I would not know who to save first which pains me not just as we travel now but with the loosing of the children, it is going to hit me hard, I do not know how to help Bella when this happens.

A week after we got back and routines for school, nursery and work had finally settled back to their normal schedules, her mother arrived winding Bella up no end, she may have been pleasant enough while away but I'm hiding out next door till I Jasper arrives to go hunting and just listening to that woman's thoughts and her words, I can see why Bella flipped out and did not want to return. I never knew a mother could have such concepts towards her offspring. Bella is tired and her head is still all over the place and none of this is helped by my need to hunt and her hormones picking up readying her for her cycle, I see her waning and feel the need to stay to watch her.

When she is pre-menstrual all I want to do is give her the best dark chocolate, a hot tea and hold her tight with one of those hot water bottles on her kidneys, making sure the irritations are elevated. I love massaging her shoulders at this time but that woman's here and I can't visit till she goes to sleep. I found the file Alice made reference to hiding in a draw, I am stunned that they thought home drugging her with sleeping pills was the best option; there are at least two occasions her stomach had to be pumped and quite blatantly lied about the cause. I hate the woman so much for what she did, I can't suppress the growl that resonates in my chest every time she opens her mouth to speak.

I was glad and saddened when Jasper finally arrived my first hunt after having Bella wrapped round my back seemed odd, I was cold, laughable really as I don't technically feel temperature like a human, I missed her presence, her touch, I end up holding my own throat laying my fingers as close to where hers were as I gorged myself on Scottish reindeer.

I did not feel like leaving the country this time. Jasper picked up on my mood which did not help; he's been great but finds myself inflicted contrariness baffling. He has given me a message from Alice "when we get back, don't mention rings" he gave me as good an impression of Alice I've seen in a while then waved his arms up to indicate he has no idea what the hell it is about and his thoughts mirror that she has not said anything yet about our engagement, we really should announce it to people soon.

In keeping with Alice's instructions on our return I did not mention rings in any context, but did notice that her wedding band and engagement ring were both missing from her finger and the skin looked like they had been absent for a few days. She still idly play with them, much as she used to but she would stop herself and her gaze would go to the bedroom as if she knew where she left them. I have never seen them off her unless she is baking or drying after her shower, she must have worn them all the time. I will present my engagement ring to her when the time is right, it is still a little soon I feel.

April arrived and we announced our engagement and subsequent move, this was met well by all, Emma's mother's thoughts filled as Bella predicated with just how much I have in my bank account, which was fuelled more as I presented Bella with my mother's engagement ring which Charlie returned to me when he found it in her draw after she was taken. Emma announced during a lull in Dawn's enthusiasm for the building site that is the farm we've purchased that she is leaving her job at the end of March, well it stopped the negative and quite frankly rude comments she was thinking at least.

I am pleased the work is progressing although not as quick if we could do the build ourselves but we need to keep up appearances so human builders are doing the exterior and its taking far too long and I want to be with Bella in our house, I want her out of this one and I want Rosalie and Emmett out of mine too... hiding out with them is... torture, and I wish they would find some other past time...

They have been here almost constantly since we returned, Rose has carved herself the role of dutiful Aunt and Nanny, she is doing a night course in nursing so we do not have to get a private nurse to care for the children when things change, Bella only sees this as a good thing as it will help hide what we are from a live in nurse, who would surly pick up on our less than human traits.

Jasper managed to persuade Alice to come over see one of the last performances Bella was working on, Alice has been avoiding us lately, I think she is having difficulty with what's to come in our lives but we took the opportunity of having them with us at the end of the show while we waited for Bella in her office to retrieve all the spy gear we'd hidden.

It was a hard two weeks for me not having access to her day except from the bug in her phone, Jasper has suggested an ear piece and I should let Bella know this time, he's been researching and has found a company who will adapt one for him.. there have been some developments at the Yellowstone house, they are building a vampire proof bunker for Bella after what happened with James they are not taking any changes, Carlisle has suggested they fit it out with all sorts of gadgets and idea speared on by the gadgets Jasper unpacked when they got back.

I or should I say we will find out what's happening when we go back this summer, Bella has spoken to her new boss and can work from emails only if she needs to. Leaving work was a sad day for Bella, she has a lot of friends there and they went for a meal after work, leaving Rose and me with the girls to put them to bed, it was the first really difficult night I've experienced without Bella there.

Beatrice had a headache and cried almost constantly for her mother, the medication helped but it did not make her quiet which woke Alice.. I have no idea how Bella coped with both of them like this before we meet her, my patience is not hindered by the need for food or sleep but it is getting thin with the constant noise they make and inconsolable states they were in, bribing them with sweets or television would work I knew, I could see it in their little minds but Rosalie kept reminding me that Bella does not allow it after bedtime unless they are genuinely sick..

They were just playing us and we knew it but it was still a pull on our heart strings and without my ability to read their minds it is almost impossible to tell. I have to say the look Bella gave the girls when she got in sent them packing to bed. Her ire was intimidating to say the least, I'd not said a word and she knew they were playing on us, she is an amazing intuitive woman. But we or at last I have proved I can look after the children without her present and have talked her into going out more.

The Easter family meal was the first big test for my feed system, one of Emma's cousins is a nurse and cares for patients with such systems, we had a brief discussion before lunch about the equipment I use and that was that, I was given the option of using the lounge or kitchen or use the guest room upstairs... I opted for the guest room as I saw this was the preferred option in the nurses eyes and to be honest it felt the more polite thing to do, no one bothered me once I was set up and I did not have to connect the tubes as everyone was so engrossed in their meal there was no way any of them had thoughts to come and find me till after desert.

I was only inundated by the children but thankfully was packing up as they entered so I sat reading a story and I got Beatrice to put my empty container in the recycling bin which she seems to like doing at home, I'd flushed the content down the drain in the bathroom as I pretended to rinsed the bottle. It gained me brownie points as Bella put it and I could see her extended family were impressed with me for being so calm and relaxed with everything and five children who bounced on me before settling to hear me read one of the Ben Ten books which was in the room.

What I took advantage of the window that lead to the quad, the meal was well underway and the house we were at is on a family farm and from what I could hear of the conversation below me Bella was being talked into a house sit at the end of their two weeks away with their caravan. Caravan this was news to me as was the two weeks to Denmark which from what I gather was booked in October last year, I will have to discuss this with Bella, I had planned for us to take advantage of the six weeks of school break to return home, I will have to reconsider.

Our drive home was part filled with the children's chatter until they finally fell asleep letting me discuss Denmark and Caravan with Bella, I mean it's a shell you pull behind a car.. Making you slow? I was about to say something derogatory when my cell buzzed in my pocket. "Don't you dare be rude about the caravan Edward" my future seeing sister screamed down the phone at me "Jasper and I would love to join you at Roskilde, I want to see the boats, tell Bella I love her" and she hung up.

I asked casually "I heard you have plans for summer?"

"Yes sorry it is the last of my pre-booked vacations, with everything I forgot again I don't normally book this far in advance, my in laws persuaded me, you don't need to come if you don't want.. Sorry I should have said"

"There is nothing to be sorry about, it took me by surprise that you own a caravan, it's not like you or the Bella I knew" I said wondering if I'd offended her.

"Ah.. that's Bella, and she kind of like camping and would love to again but without the snow" raising an eyebrow referring back to our one and only camping trip, which was saved by Jacob and rewind by him and Victoria kind of at the same time. "They have built in space heaters.. It helped Emma's choice.. and we, as in my husband and I upgrade his parents three berth to a six berth four years ago now... I learned how to tow and we go off every year" I gave her a sideways glance "don't look like that, it's great.. Hay we could go to the forests of Europe, your family went on lots of camping trips from what I remember they could join us?"

"Be" I heard stirrings in the mind of Beatrice as I went to speak and and corrected myself to "Emma, we went camping as a cover up while we were at high school, remember?" my eyes flashing back to the back set and the semi awake child who was pleased she heard her mother and was now drifting back to silence in her thoughts and mind.

"Ah yes, sorry but it would still be away of being with the whole family and look human.. I mean I am or Emma is not a great liker of the sun as it is.. So pitching up in the trees and shade is great for her, you could all go and you can " she looked at the sleeping girls behind us and I nodded to say they were asleep "hunt and we can.. be us and you have a base"

"True.. Alice wants to meet us at Roskilde, what were your vacation plans?" I added trying to change the subject a little.

"Well… August 13th we as in the girls and I have a ferry from Harwich to Esbjerg it's an overnight one, it's not too difficult to add an extra person if you want, it's up to you we have an cabin which is always exciting for the girls"

"and then?" I pushed "its part of your plans don't change them because of me, Please Bella" I hated the way she rescheduled things in her mind it was written on her face and in the split second of silence before she spoke.

"I had planned to go to Trelde Naes campsite as its got a pool and great play area for the kids to let off steam, then a day trip while there to Bilund, it's not far and they always love the surprise"

"Am I allowed to ask what this surprise is?" she finger spelt to me the surprise and I could see why she wanted to keep it as such... and I promised I would keep my mouth shut. I asked what plans were after that she did not seem to know it was normally an adventure so with Alice asking for Viking ships that is where we will be heading next, there is plenty of time to discuss and plan, I actually quite liked the idea that they travel like this, it is as an education for the children in culture and language as they are forced to use supermarkets and use different languages as to staying in a hotel where you do not need to converse in any other language other than your own.

I was surprised to hear and she showed me the gadget for the Oresund bridge in the glove box, it's a trip they made alternate years and Bella wanted to take the girls back to Vimmerby as Bea has been reading the Pippi Lonstocking books, linking her vacation to things in the children's lives was inspired and there is good hunting in Sweden.

I did ask as she has an album on her ipod from the musical of this human why she had missed Hans Christen Anderson from her plans but she reassured me that this was not really a thing for the children, the route round Copenhagen was with steps and not accessible for a buggy and she found it hard but reads the stories to them all the same.

May /June saw Esme and Alice bring a team of 'American interior experts' in to complete the rooms, which gave us the clearance to work twenty-four seven doing what we all love to do which is get our hands on the build. I was not allowed near the upstairs, and the only plans I got to see were those of the kitchen and out apartments, I wanted Bella's kitchen to be perfect a combination of what she likes, her friends which I've seen working brilliantly as a family and child friendly space and a little Cullen take so we can hide that we don't eat if we need to.

It was like sanding my floor again I felt so much pride within me as I laid the floor tiles over the under floor heating system, the satisfaction was immense; I built the kitchen units and with a little help from Emmett hung and fitted them in a day. The out apartments we had, gave space for three self catering units we could rent out as letts, one was to be handed over to Rosalie and my siblings to use when they stayed and Carlisle and Esme would use one of the guest rooms to keep everything looking normal and less like the Walton's which I've heard us called already from the minds of parents in the school yard as I wait for Beatrice to come out.

Rosalie took charge of the Garage; she has found a home for her latest passion, the complete set of 'Snap on Tools' Emmett got her for Christmas. During their down time Jasper, Emmett and Carlisle built a tree house in the garden round the old weeping willow tree, it's a deck that encompasses the trunk with a slide from it and ladder up, as the route to the tree passes some open ground Emmett and Jasper have done some rather ingenious landscaping and used a sewer pipe the purchased and half buried it under a mound of earth from when the pool was dugout, this creates a nice end to the formal garden leaving behind it open space for the girls to play ball and things but also a route we can use to stay out of the summer sun.

Jasper, Emmett and myself took the opportunity to empty the attic while Bella was snowed under with her new job, I've learned to back off when she is working, I am far too great a distraction and find I loose out on evening time together when she catches up while the children are in bed, so a compromise has been made, I can distract her or at least sit with her on alternate hours, I can live with that I think? We dispensed with the ladder and running the electric cable to the lights it was much quicker for us without.

"human's horde the most amazing amount of crap" Emmett said wrinkling his nose as he passed a box which clearly belonged to her husband, filled with his childhood memories which looked untouched since it was placed up here.

We could all smell Esme's presence, there were neatly stacked and labelled boxes all in Bella's hand, some Christmas decorations which we would have to keep, eight nappy boxes all with different ages on full of the children's clothes, the cot, an old bed frame, chairs then half buried under the Christmas decorations were the two archive boxes one with Emma's maiden name on and one with her married name. "opps" Emmett uttered as he deliberately swing a box of baby clothes round and knocked the lid off.

"Esme's been looking in here" Jasper said as her scent wafted up from inside the now open box as I tried to deny the urge to look at her past.

"Look at this stuff" Emmett said as he riffled through lifting pictures and certificates which dated from Bella's time down to ones pre-her and the original Emma, school records and uniform I did not appreciate the wolf whistle he gave when he held up the very torn autographed school blouse she wore, I liked the comments some people made and others made me suppress a growl, my suppressed growl was not helped when he found pictures of her with other boys, she looked happy in them but if you look at her eyes there is a sadness and she was never looking at the men in the pictures not like she was in the pictures I have of the pair of us from her seventeenth birthday.

"Tins" Emmett said rattling them "Sealed tins" and I watched as he carefully pulled the lids off leaving the tape in place, "Don't you love the nonexistent sticky of ancient tape" he beamed devilishly as he held the lid in one hand and looked inside, it was Bella's scent on everything in there, pebbles, dried and flaked away remains of flower heads, cuttings of the events in Seattle that made the national papers, there at the bottom was an old food bag as he pulled it out it had cloth in it and on the bag was written Alice. Jasper snatched it from Emmett's hand and spun it in his hand sniffing the edge nodding, he handed it to me having read the brief note inside, it was in Alice's hand, we lifted the item out of the bag and saw it was indeed sleeveless.

None of us spoke a word but I could clearly hear my brothers comments in their heads working out how she had this and what it would mean to her. Emmett went to the smaller tin hidden at the bottom of the box, there was nothing written on it as he opened it, in side was my blue shirt again without arms, the dust of an unfortunate vampire was still in the breast pocket but it smelled more of Bella than of me as I staggered back in to Jasper as a small square of paper fluttered free from folds as the garment unfurled in my hands. Jasper handed it up to me.

_Dear Edward,_

_I know your dead but writing to you feels as good, I know you can't hear my thoughts so I hope your soul is watching over me as I write. _

_I messed up and failed. My stubbornness got Alice killed and now you... I don't know how to find the others without someone else dying if I try. I don't know what to do anymore, I can't breathe without knowing your alive, my chest hurts so much I'm been taken to see a specialist next week for a scan to find out why._

_I will be with you soon; I am tiring again when my guard hunts next. I have nothing left to live for. _

_I had to try to find you I'm sorry I got you killed, I love you so much, I didn't know they had you._

_B_

I felt the calming effect of Jasper hold me together as I fought the emotions within me, if I could cry I would be right now, how I wished for this release. "it was a long time ago Edward remember that" his words tried to sooth me.

"Here's another one" Emmett said looking up missing what I'd just read handing a folded envelope from the bottom of the tin up to me, I unfolded it and saw my name, it was no longer sealed with age and the effects of a damp attic.

_Edward, _

_I can't do it, he keeps stopping me and now Aro knows I've tried and he sent Jane with his message. She scares me, there is something really depraved about the way she speaks, please don't get too angry but it's going to be hard to hide all the bruises she left, I wish you could kiss them better, I always felt better and safer in your arms. She is faster than the guards were and I was not quick enough with my shield when she lunged for me. Its hurts to walk and move my arms normally, even holding my pen is painful. _

_I keep dreaming I'll wake up to see Carlisle stitching or bandaging me up or something and Esme being really nice but they are with you, maybe they are watching over me too?_

_Jane said If I try again or expose myself as an imposter she will do worse to every member of Emma's family, to Charlie, Renee and every human we knew in town and at high school, Caius will dispatch the guard to deal with the rest of your family.. Something in how she said your family makes me think more of you are alive than the video I saw showed me but she slapped my face when I questioned her, it was a good job we had hockey this afternoon , I've hidden my bruised jaw the ball hitting me in the face._

_I am trapped here but I'd rather this life than kill more of the people I love and be chained to Marcus's chair like a dog again for the rest of my life. I have to stay being this girl, I so wanted to save myself for you, I dream of what might have been but you're dead and I can't keep Bella alive I have no choice; she can't exist with this person they will get too many people killed, I have three months or the killing starts._

_I am scared Edward, I thought being captive was bad but I knew you were alive then, I had hope in my heart.. Now I am alone and I can't tell anyone, my heart breaks every day I wake and you're not here. Before I go you should know they are scared of you, your family or at least who's left, I really do not understand why Aro is jealous of Carlisle all his arguments and reasons are flawed. _

_When I leave this earth I pray my soul finds yours. _

_Forever yours, I will never forget you._

_B_

My phone rang in my pocket but I was too lost in my reading to pick it up, Jasper retrieved it and tossed it to Emmett who answered. "Hi Bella, What's up?" I could not hear her voice properly I was reeling from the words in my hand, Jane had hit my Bella my fragile sweet Bella? I could tell Jasper was trying as hard as he could to keep me in check.

"No sorry he's gone out to get some more boxes ... he left his phone here... Ye I know, it's not like him I needed to talk to Rose and borrowed his... he should be back in a bit I'll get him to call... is there a message?" I was glad we can lie convincingly enough to hide my state from Bella "OK See you later alligator" and he hung up..

The letter fell from my hand and Emmett picked it up looking at Jasper for an explanation as to my sudden change, I watched him read the letter wishing he wouldn't but I knew Jasper read it over my shoulder "Dam she's had a rough ride, kind explains her objection to coming back the other night" Emmett commented as he replaced the box lit. "They don't like us cool.." he added.

"That's not cool Emmett" Jasper whispered and I saw his head indicate to me..

"she's a tough nut, kind of explains why she copes so well when those kids.. you know have those headaches" Emmett quaffed

"Emmett" Jasper winced at him shaking his head touching his chest "not that you can see dude" he concluded.

I stayed standing not moving shaking off the content of the letter to another part of my brain as Emmett put the items back in their boxes and closed them, I watched as he carefully put all the trinkets back in archive boxes and left the attic to take them home with us.. I wondered if Esme had read the letter. her scent was not in the tin but on the outside as if she touched them, Jasper was having the same thoughts as we could only smell me inside it, she would have picked up on mine and Alice's faint scents on the outside of the tins and it hurt me to know she found this and kept it quiet? _'Edward, I know the answer but are you alright?'_ Jaspers thoughts came to me _'he is right, she is one tough lady, she's coped with one hell of a lot for a human, come on, let's get this done and you get back to her'_

We cleared the attic in five minutes returning to the house with the van of items we knew was for keeping, I was to take Bella back later to sort through other things so she could skip them or not, that was why she was calling she was on top of her emails and was just waiting for us, we were longer than expected and it worried her.

How do I tell her we found and read this letter and know what she went through just to save so many? She always was putting us before herself; it frustrates me that someone so fragile and breakable would choose to do such a thing when we are superior creatures.

By June 20th I still could not find a way or the right time to tell Bella, so continued to kept quiet, searching for the right time, today was far to monumental for this confession, even if this morning the house was quiet and the time felt right for the first time but today we spent our first day and night in our new home, I have no words to describe how it felt and how Bella looked when she finally walked into our competed home, we had kept her at the old house for the last few days while Esme had us all working on the final touches...

I came home to find the girls asleep and Bella waiting up for me in the old house, which was just a shell, it contained our bed, and the girls had matrices to sleep on, the old TV which Emmett was taking back now he'd dropped me off and enough of everything to give them breakfast when they all woke.

The day started so gently for this house hold, I gave the children breakfast and they watched TV leaving Bella and I alone for once when I returned to bed and my sleeping beauty. But I could not bring myself to talk to Bella about my discovery, we had a house to move into, I'd had a text from Esme at 6am while I made breakfast saying everything would be ready by ten am.

The children loved their new home their screams of glee and chatter swelled my heart all day as they explored the house and garden, we did not have any trouble from them to go to bed in their new rooms that night which was a near carbon copy of their shared room at my family home, but with a joint toy/play room between the bedrooms for them, Bella could hear their excitement as the hardly left their rooms when the rain set in so they could not play in the garden.

The combined living/dining room is set out with me in mind, there an access door to the garage from a hidden door in the bookcase which is full of nearly every book we jointly own, leather sofas and a huge television, not to mention the family table which will sit Emma's family comfortably just as she always wanted, it is a fantastic room and there is no chance we can show what we are when the sun comes out the upstairs extension overhands the patio out back covering the outdoor space, giving Bella her rain free drying space and a dry outdoor space the children can play, she likes the fresh air and we can open the house up as much as she wants when it is raining and take tea outside with no risks to us..

With the house to ourselves and the children finally asleep, it was heaven a memory I have added to my top ten or top twenty as its now become, I called for take out rather than cook so I could spend as much time with Bella in my arms as I showed her the more vampire friendly aspects of the house before exhaustion took her and bedtime called.

I have never felt such emotion towards a property before, it has always been a place to store my belongings, a dry place to rest, read and congregate that was until I meet Bella, then it became something more and now to share my home with the woman I love, it is a place of shelter, warmth and most important love, my need to protect, shelter and provide are being satisfied in ways I have never thought possible for a vampire, I understand the emotions and feelings Esme and Carlisle have when we are all home in a new place, it is a sense of inner peace to know all is well and all is safe.

Stirrings in the deeper recesses of my heart and my mind flashed memories of my childhood and the feeling of security with my parents, this single flash of my long lost and long forgotten past, I am reminded that I am building a future for my soon to be wife and her children. I felt like standing proud on the doorstep guarding my loved ones, in my stone heart I was always their protector I was their guardian but now it is so much more.

I very humanly checked every window and door before I closed us in for the night walking past our new and old furniture, Bella asked us to reuse hers from the house and Esme has managed to incorporate it, we have a new bed, I did not want her old creaky one, I'd asked for it to be much bigger one to accommodate Alice, Beatrice the cat, myself so Bella would not find herself squished as she has been in the past when she has intertwined her feet so I can't leave. We've had to have bespoke bedding made to fit but this is not difficult when you have endless resources, our double sized walk in shower has me written all over it, I love the walk in concept and it is big enough to share easily with Bella which I hope I will get to do soon.

Another amazing book shelf adorns one wall of the bedroom and there is a sofa and television so we can have movie nights up here or just let the girls watch morning television while we cuddle up, making me feel more human and is something Bella has introduced me to, it's strange for me to be in the room with so many women and sharing Bella but it's a nice relaxed way to start the day for them us, it makes me happy to have the children so close and accepting of what I am, the television keeps them close to Bella but also serves to keep the them away from my body temperature and discovering I don't really have a tube sticking from my stomach.

Alice's signature walk in wardrobe full of clothes is as impressive as ever, it annoyed Bella a little but she will have to get used to Alice there really is no stopping her. Our suite takes up nearly the same area as the upstairs at Bella's house, it intimidated Bella to start with but she slept beautifully, I'm not sure if our celebratory cuddle which got out of hand had anything to do with it or just that the room is so well laid out and calming I have no way of knowing.

We have an intercom designed purely for Bella, she can switch to hear the rest of the house, rooms or just the doors, Rosalie got us a baby monitor to replace the old one Emmett broke when he sat on it after the children were ill a couple of months back. The reason for the extra listening gadgets Ah well that's simple Esme has made our room sound proof, for humans any way for me I can still hear if not a little muffled, the main idea behind it was so we could talk openly when other humans are here, it also means we will not wake anyone in the house if we were to "test the springs"... As Alice so elegantly put it making Bella blush, which is another reason the bed is on the diagonal plenty of hiding places for the children and it keeps the bed from the walls, I have some vivid memories of the walls Emmett and Rosalie went through when they were first married... it worries me that if I lose control I could harm Bella like they did walls, but I can't explain these fears to her the visual image is too frightening to contemplate even after 20 years of my promise to her to try, it is still my greatest fear.

We shared a bath that first night, Esme has got us one that is plenty big enough for the two of us, it was so amazingly good to see Bella naked again she takes my breath away, it was the first time I'd shown myself to her... I was apprehensive at first, I was afraid I'd loose control when I undressed, but Bella was so relaxed as she got in the bath following me I did not think about my state of undress when we eventually got out, it was heaven to feel warm water envelope us as she relaxed back into me letting me massage the day away, it is something I will make sure we share more often now we have the space and privacy to accomplish it.

It was not until we were drying that we lost ourselves, it was amazing to have her hands on my body, she is so confident, so sure as she rubbed my torso, back and legs dry with a spare towels, I was so aroused I knew she could not miss it, I was pitching a tent to coin a phrase I'd heard in the locker rooms of so many high schools, it was unnerving to be at her mercy like this, yet I was filled with an immense sense of trust as she never removed the towel once that was wrapped around my waist.

Embarrassingly in return for her resolve I could not help myself once I smelled her arousal it sent me over the edge as I carried her to the bed kissing her deeply, my bodies need for her had taken over, I forced myself to stop but found I was I pushing myself at her entrance through my towel, I completely lost my head when I felt her moan at my mouth and her hips cant upwards to accept me, which only spurred me on more till she stopped me went I let go of her to remove my towel and...

Dam her, I was elated and frustrated. Elation; that I felt like this and everything was so natural; I seemed to know what to do instinctively and all thoughts of hurting her were nonexistant. Frustration; I did not want this, I could not want this, I was taking advantage of her weaker domineer and... I had to stop. As her hand tapped my shoulder and she pushed me back from her, I stared into her flushed, breathless face her eyes opening and closing as if to regain her focus as her head tipped back offering me her neck so openly as she gasped for breath.

The same two emotions ran through me with a different edge to them. Elation; that she had stopped us, I felt her undulating and pushing herself up to me until she stopped and held her body still and tense beneath me, I could feel her joints locked static and straight and I felt her shake as she controlled her movements back to stillness.

Frustration washed through me at that instant, it was her again not me who put the brakes on, I am the superior being here, with my abilities and senses I should be the one with the greater control. I am the gentleman ... but I am nothing compared to her and her herself control. I can feel and smell how aroused she is, her hormones are pouring from every inch of her, screaming at my senses to take her. She has this astoundingly ability to make me comply, when I can't obey myself.

I rolled off her embarrassed by my conduct with a desperately painful erection, which twitched desperately within my towel as I lay on my side with my back to her hiding my shame. I am not worthy of her "shhh" her soothing words came as if she knew what I was thinking and like a witch testing me further she scooted herself right up next to me so I could feel every burning inch of her, the whole of her naked body towel free now from my ankles to my shoulders with no air spaces between us, filling my everyone of my muscles and internal stone organs with heat. We breathed heavily in unison I could feel her hot breath in the centre of my shoulders as her arm came over me, pulling the bed covers with her.

Is she crazy she has just trapped the very scent that is sending me wild, her warm body is making it soak into my flesh, making me shake as I lay here unable to satisfy my baser need, "Shh" she says again as her fingers stroking my chest and nipples sending more shock waves through me as my back arched into her in an uncontrolled reaction. "It's OK, we are OK" Part of me wishes she would not say OK "I want you.. too but we made a promise" what? She stopped us, how? Dam that promise she holds so reverently, I had a flash of memory of when we were alone together and I refused her advances, she looked pained, hurt at my rejection of her and now I feel those emotions, I understand for once the sense of need being rejected.

"Bella" I whispered breathless, weakly trying to turn myself over to face her without crushing her under me.

"No don't move, its better if you don't, Please" she said pleading? Begging as I felt a shudder rip the entire length of her body worrying me as to her physical condition, she made a quiet but an angry sounding grunt as it racked her it was far too quiet for a human to have heard but to me it was loud and clear she was in pain, I tried to roll to face her. "Don't please, I can't if you..." I'd turned as she finished speaking, my knee accidently found the top if her thigh's and she shuddered and locked her lower body around my leg as her upper half curled in on its self.

"Are you alright" concern for her taking over my lust as I went to place my hand on hers at her belly wondering if she had pain. She went to speak her mouth forming the word 'Don't' as I reached for her but it all happened so fast, as she spoke my hands touched her, she unfurled and her body shook not so you could see unless you have my sight and I was hit with the electric charge that made my while body tingle as if I were on fire every inch of me was filled with the same tingling ache my penis held, it was as if an explosion was waiting to happen.

Silent moans escaped her lips as she writhed before me still locked to my leg, she pulled the covers over her again, hiding from me as I heard her breathing change in pitch and frequency as her hands gripped the sheets to the side, I took a hand feeling her movements settle as her breathing became more controlled and she let my thigh go, pushing away from me a little.

"Bella" I asked concerned as I pulled the covers back to see her face, I have no idea what just happened and I needed to know she was alright, my leg was a little damp from where it connected to her... and I remembered Alice's vision from two days ago as she shut me from our bedroom as she continued to pack the majority of Bella's clothes, it was Bella like this, moaning just as she is now.. I pushed my head to remember what she so quickly shut from me as Bella spoke.

"Not a good time Edward..." she stammered out on a single breath after taking several attempts

"Don't touch me...please" she said again panting. The scent from the covers as I lifted them was the sweetest, it was unmistakably pure Bella, it made my head spin, the hormonal teenager within me jump elatedly and the aches I was feeling intensify, she was so aroused it poured from every inch of her as I suddenly understood.

"Bella are you alright what did I do?" I asked forcing my head control the seventeen year old and remember the mere seconds of Alice's vision, a wooden box with a lock on it. It's the same one on the shelf on Bella's side of the closet I saw it when I unpacked my clothes yesterday and put some of my T-shirts she likes to wear at night there... Alice's vision had her with this box she was... released..

"Edward..." she said between pants again "take your hand off me, and cover me up, this is not a good time" what she's rejecting me, she does not want me? I hurt her.. my head panicked my heart turned to stone if that were more possible I ghosted to the closet and found the locked box, I did not wait to ask Bella for the key I popped the simple lock, expecting some kind of medication I was stunned to see no meds but one of her handmade cloth bags, I dropped the broken lock in the trash and noticed at the bottom of Bella hanging space her archive boxes from the attic, I shook off what I'd learned a few days before as I took the box to Bella hoping she would know what to do, I pulled the covers back from her face to show her the box and was taken aback by her response.

"Ah No Edward.. not that... put it back.. Please" she said cringing away from me

"I saw it Alice's vision and..you got better" I said trying to explain..

"She showed you WHAT?" how can Bella go from a shaking mess to angry? What is there to be..?

"Why are you angry, did I do something to..?" I started to say but then I answered her anger at Alice "no not deliberately she tried to block me I only saw this and... you were better"

"No Edward... your sister is... put that away its embarrassing... she saw.." and she hid herself again, embarrassment more than evident now. I took the bag and removed the semi heavy cylindrical ish object, Oh! Did not even cover what I held in my hand, plastic, pink and penis shaped with a.. what is that attached? I turned the object in my hand _Rabbit_? She has a... Oh! Why does the hormonal teenager always find the wrong times to jump in its excited by the object in my hand...

"Unless you want to make love to me..." she went on saying "leave me alone" that's not rejection, which eased my earlier feelings but dam, that hormonal side of mine she is... "just go.. please leave me alone Edward" she uttered

"I'm not leaving you Bella, I was with you in the..." I felt her cringe under her covers,

"don't say vision" she said defeated, she did not need to if this gave her the release her body needed I would gladly accept her using this, she has already denying what I know she would normally have experienced, she is doing this for me for my promise to her... I reach for the packet of batteries that were on my night stand, put the back on and inadvertently caught buttons.

It made Bella squirm under the covers again, I'd heard this sound before? On the day I got back from my hunt a day early, I don't wanted to disturb her knowing she had locked up for the night? This made the very same sound... It opened my eyes to say the least as the penny dropped... not that I'm stupid but...

Her hand shot from the covers, snatched the noisy item from my hand, without looking she switched it off and threw the now silent and motionless object across the room, I caught it with ease as my hand closed round the shaft it excited me to know she uses this, the image of Alice's vision with me with her brings my already aching body back to its heady need...

"Bella, do not be embarrassed, you have given up enough for me already, please... you do not have to... just because of me" realisation of what this was for, I could give her the release she needs and her body is longing for, giver her what I want to give her and not break my rule, as long as I am not touched or I do not enter her to find my own release I am...

"not unless you do this with me, I will not masturbate alone" dam she is hot when she gets this determined defiance in her voice, I tried a new approach I climbed over her hidden body and instantly felt her shake again as I sat across her abdomen, pulling her legs tight together so she could not move.

"you need the release love" I said my face inches from hers through the covers, I slid the item under and to her hand and pulled the cover from her face, "Don't make me do this myself" I warned her I had no idea where my new found aggressive need from but I felt horny? I knew my eyes had changed color with desire by my reflection as soon as she looked at me. I wanted to slide this substitute for me where it needs to go and get her to release for me, I was so easily hiding the embarrassment I harboured at my conduct.. Her resistance to my teenagers relief was faltering as I held the rabbit in her hand not breaking my gaze, as I feared for my undoing, I knew I could not allow myself to force her, my love for her stronger than the hormonal teenagers lust just as it was over my monster as I locked gaze.

I felt her grip change as she rotated the rabbit, I nodded my need for her to do this as much as hers as I lifted myself from her and lay back next to my love swallowing back the desire within me wanting so much to be that object, to go where she was about to move it to.

I watched her eyes close and she shook her head as she stopped, I do not know what possessed me but my hand was under the cover in an instant, I found her arm and slowly ran my hand down till I found hers, the heat so intense I nearly exploded, I pushed the item inside her, feeling the resistance of her muscles at first, I could feel how wet and eager for this object as my fingers found the buttons and I pushed them one by one and rested my hand lightly against hers as her fingers adjusted the pattern of buttons to suit.

I slowly and carefully forced her hand to move and her breathing changed instantly, deepened for a while and then returned to controlled breaths she had used earlier, I watched as she writhed under the covers loosing herself to pleasure as I held the object of her release "harder" she breathed as I push the object for her, I felt her hand move from under mine placing the control in my hand, she grinded her hips down on the object and I felt the muscle spasams begin as they pulsed down the shaft of the object in my hand.

She was strong, my groin longed to feel her do this to me, I watched as she drew her hands up her body scratching the surface sending her scent to rise from her with each scratch of her skin, I watched as she pulled and squeezed at her breasts, pinching her nipples and arching her back in reaction to it "Edward" she called

I kept up the movement of my hand lost in her heady aroma and the need for my release now building "we need this, please let go for me" I whispered breathlessly in her ear as I felt her body react and her resistance to my movements increase "Bella let go, for me... please" I begged as her hand whipped from under the covers and gripped my arm, her grip changed as her body mimicked my movements.

My body shook as I watched her and heard my name in her breathless moan begging me not to stop, she arched and my hand was suddenly trapped between her thighs' as she squeezed them together one last time the shudder that took her this time was breath taking, as the tingling ache that concentrated in my loins exploded from me as my body released without assistance, I was glad my towel was still covering me as I let forth.

Breathless and dizzy I fell back breathing hard next to her head as she removed the rabbit and discarded it to the floor where her towel lay. I kissed her tenderly between saying repeatedly "Thank you, Thank you" with each breath, I was at a loss for words if I felt like this when she had not touched me how would I be when we at last consummated our relationship..

"Don't you ever use that look on me again" her quiet breathless voice came bringing me back to earth

"I'm sorry, I..."

"Just don't.. you should not have, have you any idea how close you were to me climbing on you?" as I watched the most glorious smile cross her face she added "Can you walk" her soft voice now calm and still in spite of her racing heartbeat.

"Silly Bella" I replied but was unsure if my legs actually worked my body felt a little numb...

"Good, you can go shower first" her eyes looked up to mine then and I saw reflected within them the bliss and total contentment I felt. I was not showering alone I wanted to be with her and she was joining me. I carried her glistening swear covered body to the shower... this felt like the first day of the rest of our lives... I felt free, alive I felt amazing... Our wedding would just cement that.

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I'm back...

Review please... so may of you have read this so far in the last 13 days since I last posted it would be great to know what you think..

Please?


	25. Disappointing Alice

Disclaimer – I do not own twilight characters I just borrowed them for my own musings.. and this is the result..

Stephanie Meyer must take all the credit for writing such amazing characters.

Sorry it has taken a while to get this ready to upload there is a lot happening in life at the moment..

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Disappointing Alice

Summer Vacation part 1.

Chapter 25

Edwards POV

July and we'd been living in domestic bliss in our new home for three weeks, it was as normal as you can get fro a vampire and a human with two human children and an assortment of Cullen's, Rosalie has set up base here she is now the self-imposed nanny as well as dotting aunt. It's the start of the school holidays at last, I'd booked us flights home to Yellowstone for three of the six weeks giving us time to get back and caravan Denmark and Sweden, I know I said I liked the idea but I really wanted to be home for longer to be alone with Bella in our cabin, Esme pointed out that my plans had not completely incorporated the children, reminding me of a conversation Bella had with me about them and my new found responsibility, she also pointed out that this was the last of the pre-booked vacations Bella arranged I should honour her and show willing now I have responsibilities.

Alice emailed a schedule it looks like I'm not going to get much time alone with Bella with shopping, bowling, a week in Forks in a rented a cabin followed by three days at Disney for the girls Bella and Bella's friend, then a few days at home with base ball. When I called her to ask what this was in aid of all she pointed out was the sun's out in Florida... and she's seen Ian Bella's psychic friend making his presence know and is joining us... Oh great! I have to share Bella when I get her away from my siblings.

The fights to America were for the four of us, Emmett had taken an earlier flight leaving Rosalie to do whatever it was she was blocking me from seeing, this was family time as Bella and I call it, it was easy both girls were well behaved and I was able to entertain them when Bella slept, I closed my eyes with her as soon as the children went to sleep, giving the airline staff a talking point when the spotted my arm round Bella holding her tight, the one thought I was her teenage son and the other actually called her a cougar? Out loud as to in her thoughts. I suppressed a growl which Bella must have picked up on as she patted my chest and softly said Shhh in her sleep.

When we stepped from the car, the welcome we got was second to none, the girls immediately ran off to their pony's as if this was more than their second time here and we did not see them or Jasper for a couple of hours.

Alice grabbed Bella and whisker her off for a girly chat, I have a feeling I know what it was about but.. I was grateful for Alice for the seconds worth of vision she let slip a few months back, since that evening I've felt better within myself, less angry after being so tightly wound for nearly one hundred years, when I got Bella to finally stand in the shower was as she put it 'all floaty light' she wore a grin for a couple of days as did I. We have not tempted fait since and neither of us has really felt the need, it's a strange feeling to have knowing how you really affect someone.

"Edward" Alice called from somewhere out of sight..

I found Bella and Alice at the dining room table sat with a diary and note pad, the diary has the same look about it as the one she carried when she was our wedding planner last time round and I was instantly filled with strong emotions from that dreadful day.

"Now.. We have not go long so let's get a move on shall we" as she flicked through several pages of notes as Bella and I looked at each other knowing that we had not discussed a date but there it was there marked out on the page February 14th in a huge red heart. Bella just looked at me, I might not be able to hear her thoughts but I know what she was thinking from the look we shared it was not my choice of date either.

I knew from this year's Valentine's Day she avoids it so I'm not sure the date is correct and it should be her day after all, Alice must have picked up on our lack of response flicking a page and reading from it "Dress... yes.. We can fix that with a bit more exercise" Alice continued as if oblivious to Bella's presence but I saw Bella's head snap up and fix a stare at my sister.

"Alice" Bella said as she stood as if to leave

'_Oh I know that tone and I'd like to find a safer place to relax... this is going to be interesting'_ I heard Emmett's thoughts as he left the room faster than necessary.

"Suck it up Alice that hurt... and I don't recall hiring you" and she walked off much to my sister rebuff as she followed Bella like a puppy to our bedroom.

'_don't leave her alone with her'_ Jaspers thoughts came to me _'she's been working on this all month' _I ran upstairs to find Bella on the bed exhausted from our flight and Alice standing over her talking away hardly aware of Bella was nearly sleep.

"ALICE" Bella yelled at my sister making her stop in her tracks after ten minutes of none stop bombarding of wedding plans "This is human" she put her hands on her head "it has wants and needs... all of which are greater than the planning of a wedding... Can we wait just until I've had something to eat and maybe a run with this lovely man" she dropped her arm and pointed towards me as I stood in the doorway and continued "... then I am all ears, all yours, it's just a small request?" then she made the cutest little hu sound I've ever heard.

"Light weight" Alice huffed as she flounced from the room her thoughts as she left us were _'your fault Edward.. I'm going to have to reschedule everything' _

"is that a complement Alice? I've lost three stone" Bella hollered after her..

"you know what she's like love?" I said when we were alone

"I'm just really tired and we need to get the kids fed and to bed before I can focus on anything else" she replied wearily

"Would you like me to do that?" I offered sitting up hoping she'd say yes and rest

"no, you need to rest too you were with them all flight"

"Bella you know.." She raised a hand to stop me, nodding to the open window "they can't hear us from here"

"I don't care.. They have ears and I'm not going to get caught assuming. Maybe their favourite aunt and nana would like to do battle with them?" she said as she yawned

There was a loud high pitched squeal of delight from down stairs as Alice realised she was the aunt in question and she has been itching to bath and put them to bed but Rosalie always beat her to it when we were at home...

"Come on Esme's about to call.. Dinner" I said pulling Bella to her feet and walking her down stairs..

As we entered the kitchen to see three places set Bella turned to me and said "Ah Sunday night I forget.. Sorry Esme"

"That's alright dear I'm not going this evening I'll gladly bath the children, I'll eat when Carlisle gets back.. Alice and Jasper are off out with friends" she said covering for tonight's meal for three, knowing that tomorrow will see us back into the swing of things and Bella eating after the children have gone to bed when we adults settle down for dinner.

We have established a dozen or more reasons not to eat with the children mine was the easiest I could plug in anywhere and quite often the children found me sat watching the six o'clock news with my bag of pink or grey feed dripping away they have stopped asking questions now and in their minds they don't reference my ruse.

After supper and Esme's amazing desert was all gone, Alice and Esme took them for their bath and bed.. Leaving Bella and I to kiss them good night and head off for the run I promised her before we landed.

To feel the wind in my face and my Bella on my back as I headed to the cabin was as exhilarating as always, my body tingled with the excitement of being with Bella alone in our place our space... I was aroused by the time I got to the ridge that hid my cabin, Bella's fingers stroking my neck and soft sounds of freedom as I jumped brooks, fallen trees and rocks escaped her lips it was thrilling me to hear and feel her loosen up.

We kissed passionately at the door as I put her down, our faces locked in a way we had not been for several days with the children at home, I felt Bella's hands grip my hair at the back of my neck as I walked her backwards through the cabin removing her jacket and whisking her off he feet again to remove her shows as I did the same, walking towards the bedroom, I opened the door and pushed her back to the bed laying her there looking at her before joining her and loosing myself in her again.

After what must have only been minutes I pulled away so we could breathe and collect ourselves, I was forever pushing us beyond where we once stopped, but it was me this time who halted before we went too far. "Sorry" I said changing tact and between breaths to changed my focus back to my sister "About Alice... she's.."

"Alice" Bella whispered back more as a statement than conformation as she raised her eyebrows, I nodded.. "Hay.." she continued pushing herself to her elbows under me "we should talk about the wedding though, if you still want to marry me that is, be a family for however long it lasts"

"You know I do Bella, don't dough that" I replied rubbing my nose on hers breathing in her scent in the fresh air knowing I'd been avoiding talking about it in case our plans are thwarted again; it's a pain I have not managed to master.

Bella nodded "she seems to be in a rush and I don't like it.. But it doesn't change anything. We have not said a word about, we need to before it becomes the Alice show"

"You want tea?" I asked as I went to light a fire in the grate to make the place more comfortable if we were to have a private conversation of this magnitude and put the kettle on the stand Jasper fitted for such occasions.

"Ye alright, please" she uttered as she joined me and curled up on the couch watching the fire come to life.. "why did she pick that date? Do you have any idea?"

"None" and it was the truth, I thought my discussion with her about Bella's aversion to the St Valentine's tradition was warning enough...

She shocked me as she said "Its not a bad choice, a bit over romantic, good luck getting the church that day"

"How do you know that?" I asked as I tended the now boiling kettle and made a black tea.

"I looked" this was news to me, both the women in my life had been looking in to wedding plans in some way and not included me?

"Well now we know where she got the idea from, when did you look?" I asked handing over the mug and settling down next to her pulling her close to me.

"The other Friday when I took Beatrice to school I was passing, saw Reverend James in the vestry and casually asked what wedding bookings were like, you don't think she saw and thought?"

"We're talking Alice.. So when do you want to get married" I asked reaching to throw another log on the fire

"Same date as last time? But the reasons have changed, I'm way way past eighteen now that Or January 5th as Alice seems to be in a rush, let's bring it forward"

"Why January 5th?" trying to work out what was so special about that date; it was amongst the many beautiful days I have stored up in my head from the first few weeks.

"you took me for a date remember and you asked me to marry you as we lay watching the northern lights" she was right, she said the arctic air made it feel like I was with her, that would be a good date. We sat in silence as I was remembering everything she said how she compared my skin to the effect the snow crystals made when the sun hit them.

"Where do you want to get married" she asked me kissing my chin as she leaned back bringing me back from my memories

"it's up to you, it's your day" I replied

"No it's our day, do you have any preference and which home we use?"

"None what so ever but I'm not going on a stag do.." I said holding her tighter

"Good, I am not sleeping alone" I could feel the fear bounce in her words as she said them it mirrored my own concerns.

"That's two things set" I confirmed with a false laugh throwing a log in the fire... it was quite painful to arrange something that when it was the first time felt so joyous but has been tainted with such pain, the reason for marring her has not changed its the ceremony that has been tinged with bitter and painful memories.

"Don't add more logs we should let it die down so we can get back. Do you have any writing paper back at the house?" she added, I'm sure I saw an evil flash in her eyes as she asked?

"I can get some why?" what is she thinking

"Do you think we can use the computer when we get back?"

"yes.. why?"

"Just a thought... well.. several actually... I want to look up wedding planners when we get back.. do you mind?"

"not at all but you'll piss Alice off no end" I said wondering just how well I could protect her from Alice's roth.

she raised her eye brows "Just keeping my options open, I would like you to write two letters to each of the companies we like, one accepting their services and one declining, do you mind writing a couple of blank ones too you know with no name just in case we find a company when we get home?"

"What about Alice?" I asked waiting for her reply

"She worked so hard last time I don't want her to feel obliged after what happened, she has hardly visited since we got back that's all.. She was brilliant before but I don't want her to feel pressure she should relax it took a lot out of her when it went pear shaped" that was a lovely sentiment and may just save her hide but...

"I'll tell her when she's back but would you mind doing the letters your handwriting is so much nicer than mine. Please" I can't decline a request like that from the woman I love, but I was not sure Alice would see it this way.. not was I sure about writing two sets of letters, one acceptance and several declines Bella was up to something?

We ran back to the house, Alice and Jasper were as predicted still out and Esme and Carlisle were sat watching a film while she knitted a new school cardigan for Beatrice for September and Carlisle was sat in his familiar pose reading.

I got Bella a drink and snack as she searched UK wedding planners who worked in the Stourbridge area and requested brochures so we have them when we get home, "this is really going to hack Alice off you know" I whispered as I kissed her ear.

"I told you it's too much to just expect her to do it again, with the pressure of what happened last time, she should enjoy the day too not be worrying..." I remembered the addresses as she sent for details and would write the letters tonight "Hay its late do you mind if I turn in?" she said as her head rolled for the fourth time I shook my head and kissed her. "Thanks are you staying up for a while?"

"I'll be up in a little while I want to talk to Carlisle, go on up" I said as she kissed my mother and father good night before making her way to bed.

I wanted to talk to catch up with Carlisle with developments with Bella, the house has made a huge difference to everyone, the children have an made amazing adjustment to life with me in the equation, the new routines and they have been calling me Dad, which Bella has not objected too except when they call me Daddy then she reminds them of Charlie their real father.. We all go to his grave once a month to catch up on news and to chance the flowers and pictures the children bring him, she is making such an effort to keep him alive for them, I listen to the stories the children tell and recount of their life with this man and feel my old adversary jealously pluck at me sometimes for the years he shared with her.

Bella is less quiet or at least she has things to busy herself with so she is more occupied but she has a smile on her face at the times when I saw her blank and devoid of expression, we set aside time to talk as he suggested, I find it really hard to ask her about her time with the Volturi and what I know from the letters I read, I don't want to send her back to her silence, I still find it hard to discuss my eating preferences but I have told her I'm thinking of asking Jasper on our next hunt to video me so she can get an idea but she got really agitated her reason is just in case we loose the camera or something, it could expose us, she has nothing to worry about but she is instant. Carlisle and Esme agreed with Bella I guess I'm going to have to think of another way.

"Edward, son. A video is a great way of showing her but that is not what she is asking is it? It's not what you do that she needs to see, hunting is just one aspect but everything, remember your life has been so much longer than hers, she wonders what you do at nights when she sleeps, I know you told her once, she wants to know how you fill your time during the day and I know you have not told her about watching her at work, she feels that now she is older and has lived the life she's had, she lets you down, that you tolerate it all because you can't change how you feel for her" he said I saw in his mind the conversation they had a few months ago when he last visited.

"That's preposterous she knows I don't think like that" I replied

"Edward" Esme stared "she does not speak as many languages as you and her human education is somewhat limited, she knows you feel protective of her and rightly so, it is very chivalrous of you. Times change and you are just as protective as you ever were but sometimes you do go a little too far and it takes responsibility away from her, she has not had us to protect her for twenty years she has survived, she is amazingly capable of making decisions on her own, and she has brought up two wonderful children, she needs to feel respected for that, I know you don't intend to make her feel inadequate but she is human"

"But I do it be" I was cut off by Esme again

"I know, dear I understand and she does too. But watching you it's too much... you need to trust her judgements.., now go be with her" she concluded and returned to her knitting as I left for upstairs.

Sunrise from my room is spectacular especially when it's shared with a beautiful woman, Bella stirred once in the night and held me, I have a feeling the visit from my sister may have caused Bella's brief return to consciousness but Alice knows better than to wake Bella, it puts her in a bad mood and makes her less compliant. The heating has been switched on and I think this is too warm for them, I will ask Bella when she wakes for her opinion, but I should warn Bella before she goes for breakfast that Alice is not happy with us and for the letters I have now written which I had to restack on the desk after she flung them round our room in her anger during the night.

Bella was so happy when she bounced down to breakfast with wet hair from her morning shower, she kissed each one of us and before Alice had time to make a sarcastic comment Bella grabbed some toast and asked her if they could have a chat and left for the living room.

All of us except the children heard their conversation and Alice was diplomatic and could see Bella's reasons

"Sorry Alice for last night" she started "it was a bit of a shock to be suddenly be talking about the wedding" I heard my sisters thoughts as she went to interrupt Bella.. "Hear me out Alice please? Edward and I have not spoken about it till now it's a painful time and memory and I feel what happened affected everyone not just us. Thank you for sparking the start of our discussions, you probably know already but it was hard for us"

Ah My Bella the control in her as I heard the emotion in her voice, as Alice went to interrupt again "Alice please.. you did so much for us last time, I have no idea what the end result was like but I saw a video of the house and carnage after what I now know was Edward. How can I ask you to repeat the effort you put in when I know how painful it is for us to take that step, and you missed them taking me, I love you too much Alice to cause you and Jasper that much pain again, I want you to enjoy the day as much as we will, I love you and you don't need the pressure. Sorry for not saying earlier but I didn't know we were going to have a wedding chat"

Bella kissed Alice and returned to my side where I kissed her head as she hugged me, I could feel the tension in Bella, she was telling the truth, Alice's head was filled with remorse, she had not considered the pain we were feeling towards the event, an event we both wanted but our hidden, suppressed fears for what happened clouded our need to discuss it with the other, I was just as grateful for Alice's impromptu meeting to force us to discuss our options.

Alice joined us and apologised to both of us, "if you want any help, I am more than happy and I don't mind doing it all again, you know that?" she said "the new date is a good choice" she finally added as she and Jasper who was struggling with the emotions we were all giving off left the house.

The bright sunny morning was spent walking in the forest with the children riding their ponies, it was a pleasant stroll for Bella and me. Beatrice showed her amazing ability to hear conversations she has no involvement in, it was a frustrating trait of hers when she does not listen to instructions she is given when we are in the same room, Bella's comment came or 'That's kids for you' came back to me as Beatrice asked about the wedding, And so a conversation was started which was because of the children it was easier to have, feelings of loss were diminished as we discussed weddings with them as if it was the first time round for us.

"Can we be bridesmaids?" Beatrice asked "Alice has not been one yet she has always been too young"

Bella and I looked at each other, it was her day and I did not mind if she had a hundred bridesmaids and indicted with my hand that it was her call.

"Would you like to girls?" she asked, their excitement was catching as Beatrice asked if we could have it at our house, we could have a bridesmaid and page boy party in the tree house, that made me question her..

"Who would be page boys?" I asked her

"Our cousins, it was fun with Ben and Tom we can have Toby and Ethan as well, Emmett is too big thought" she added in reply

"We have a mini Alice" Bella said Jokingly at Beatrice's wedding planning.

Little Alice piped up "I'm here" and giggled as she wobbled about on Henry as he walked along on the uneven ground.

Bella and I walked hand in hand with a child and horse on either side, "which would you like girls, Skiing or wedding?" Bella asked as she stared at me for approval, they are part of our lives to, and should be as much a part of our marriage, it is making me feel better about the arrangements knowing they have been involved.

"urm... I like Skiing but also want to be a princess for my mummy" Beatrice said dreamily

"I be princess too" Alice piped up sweetly "can big Alice be princess?" she added

"We can ask Alice if she wants to be a princess I guess" Bella said in reply... we had a date, bridesmaids, page boys and location, I'm not sure there is much else for us to discuss except food for the humans and the guest list. I like the idea of getting married in a church this time round I'm not sure on the civil wedding laws in Britain for us to use the house, but it would not take long for me to find out, the local church has a nice feel to it.

Jasper met us at the stables to help, brush the horses down and put the tack and saddles away, he was very pleased with his thoughts he said _'I should warn you Alice is over the moon about being a princess' _then he voiced "did you enjoy the ride ladies" his southern drawl echoed in the paddock as he projected his words across the last patch of grass to the children, his mind refocused on the girls and their ride and the chatter as they showered their uncle with tales of our walk and conversation, he helped them down handing them each a brush and helping them up on the boxes he and Emmett made so they could reach. "Give them a good brush down now... That's Good" he said to them encouraging their post ride care "that's very nice little miss" he added as he took the saddle off Henry and put it away for Alice.

Bella and I walked to the house leaving Jasper to his nieces and horses, he was in his element he's not been around horses for a few decades and this is giving him a chance to share his equestrian knowledge with them. I know the children will be safe, I've not felt him struggle with their presence, and he has no interest in their blood he has mastered his need balancing his love for them coupled with a twenty years of additional practiced, although I know he is still cautious around Bella, her scent is just as stronger.

I watched as Bella helped Esme make lunch, they chatted about this and that to do with the kids, their meal preferences and latest school and nursery reports, Bella suddenly broke from conversation and said "I really could do with a" Alice appeared and hugged her as Bella faded off her sentence with "word with Alice.. dam I wish the kids would respond that quick"

You'd never have guessed that Alice was pleased, not in the slightest as she bounced up and down behind Bella like Beatrice does when she is wants something... I watched Bella's reflection in the kettle next to her and saw her body posture change, she was not going to discus anything with Alice while she was bounding like that, it was the same shift in her posture she did when the girls knew what was about to happen and she wanted to stall them.

"Ah great Alice would you call the girls in for their lunch thank you" Bella said fighting her grin to totally ignore the bouncing pixie behind her, I'm sure if Alice would have wet herself with excitement if that were possible as she bounced, she was so dejected as she headed to the back door to get the kids.

"Oh Alice" Bella said as if it were an after thought as my sisters hand reached for the door handle "would you like to be a bridesmaid?" Alice was across the floor and had Bella up in her arms before she finished the last word..

"Bella" Alice screamed with ear spitting glee

"OK. I take that as a yes.. let me go Alice I need to breath" Bella strained to say from Alice's bear hug, everyone was laughing, we can't believe Alice fall for that trick.

"Oh Oh Yes, Yes" Alice flustered her mind had gone from confused and giving up hope to this.. I know she is still disappointed not to be asked to organise the wedding but she understands why Bella made her choice but she does not like it. Esme had a word with her while we were out; she too is feeling the pressure of our numptuals.

"Hay Alice are you alright with being in charge of a possible eight children? Would you need help with that?" Bella asked as I worked out that there were two children missing from the list of cousins whom the family don't get to see as often. Alice nodded and ran off skipping to get the girls, I could hear they were planning what they wanted to wear and another shopping trip was now on the cards to look at outfits, Alice was going to organise as much as she could there really was no stopping her.

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lots more people have clicked this as their fave story or that they are following it, I would love to hear your views.. it may help me post the next chaper faster, which for those I've been in contact with I am still struggling to get Edward up off the floor.. don't worry it all works out but for now I've got writers block and my lovely is still face down and has been for a few weeks now.. good job he does not need food and air I guess.. sorry Edward..

PP


	26. A Miscalculation

Sorry guys it has taken me so long to get this one finished when I was posting almost weekly...

There is a lot happening at the moment making writing time difficult – and with this one I was stuck when Edward did what he did. So not to spoil this chapter I'll not say much more but I knew it was not terminal I just had no idea how to get them off the ground as it were... read and let me know what you think...

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A Miscalculation

Summer Vacation part 2.

Chapter 26

Edwards POV

Bella managed to stay clear of bridesmaid shopping and we headed to the cabin, I picked up the scent of a herd of deer and changed course for her to see the new calf's, she is always showing the girls examples of new life as we drove past fields of sheep and cattle back in Britain. I pulled up short and climbed a tree leaping from branch to branch to get closer, it probably was not one of my best ideas, Bella did not seem to sure as she climbed from my back and her foot slipped on the mossy branch but she did not scream as she gripped me tighter than before staring opened eyes at me for reassurance, I would not let her fall and held her tightly as we watched the herd below us, cuddled up close with her scent burning through me I was in heaven with her in my arms as always, my saviour, my love.

The feel of Bella huddled between my knees was also exciting me that and the scene below and her scent combination was making me unusually thirsty and as much as I tried to hide it she picked up on my discomfort "Edward, excuse me for asking, and you know I'm sorry but are you.. urm.." she stroked my throat with the back of her hand soothing the burn that lingered beneath with her matching body heat, her scent was always a constant burn there but it was and is always welcomed and laughably manageable compared to how I was all those years ago, I closed my eyes and nodded as quick a response as I dared she knows too well that I would prefer not be in a position to openly admit my weakness.

"If I am safe, go or put me down and point the way to the cabin and I will see you there, you do not need to.. you know.." she said in a calm and casual way as if this kind of things is normal, I never wanted for this to be something that comes between us even if we are a couple. I shook my head unable to speak her act of touching me had made my venom pool "don't be a hero Edward if you need to go... go"

I winced knowing she spoke the truth and with mixed feelings I climbed us down the tree scattering the herd in all directions as I put Bella's feet on firm ground, I was afraid to look at her although I know she's seen my eyes this black with thirst before. "Which way?" she asked not completely looking up at me, I pointed, she kissed my chest and I watched her switching her iphone to the compass app and walk, "Hay Edward" she called back to me, not walking or stopping as she spoke "shield or no shield remember I'm out here too and you can't marry me if you eat me.. Alright" she laughed spun round with my favourite of smiles on her face and she blew me a kiss, it was a harsh warning in spite of her joke. I watched till I could not see her but still make out her steady footsteps, she was a lot fitter than she used to be and was making good and steady progress, on her course she should find the ridge if I do not find her first when I've fed.

I ran away from Bella's scent and defocused my mind and gave myself over to the hunt, I felt my heart and scenes want to follow her all but invisible scent trail which was being whipped up on the breeze from my clothing but I was in control enough to refuse and followed the next best thing, I picked up on a mountain lion that had past within eighty meters of my location and recently as the scent was strong, I charged after it following the trail its scent left me till I found the creature finishing its meal of deer. I could hear the calf bleating for its mother in the bushes but my focus was on the meat eater before me, I pounced and ripped in to its neck satisfying the burn as its hot blood pulsed and soothed with each mouth full.

I discarded the spent creature and picked up the calf, it would not survive out here without its mother and I was doing it a favour as I lost myself to its arterial pulse. I was better fed but still thirsty, I was always thirsty but in control, my last feed was over a week ago but was on British roebuck, a stray cat and horse some kids has shot with an air pistol drawing my attention to their blood loss as I ran back home, all were still a couple of counties away from ours and the occurrences would only make the local papers.

I'd not completely shaken off my baser instincts as I ran towards the cabin taking solace in knowing I was safe with Bella was on the other side of the ridge, I was relaxed, comfortable and I took the opportunity to follow the scent trail of another mountain lion, I was about to push myself to pounce when I was taken over by the need for the stronger scent that wafted through the trees to me.

My mind was screaming at me to stop to shake this one off as I ran, harder and faster. I was down wind of Bella who must have made good time as she walked and cleared the bush at the base of the hill, this was the only way I'd pick up her scent like this as she perspired climbing the slope to the cabin. My inner voice was screaming at me so loud I could hardly hear anything else 'Ah no stop Edward it's Bella your wife to be.. stop you fool', I screamed at the monster within me to give this one up..

I was helpless to the call of my blood lust, I felt my phone buzz in my pocket as I leaped the brook and made light work of the steeper side of the hill. Suddenly I was in the clearing close to my cabin and Bella was sat on the ridge I'd carried her over several times. I crouched and circumnavigated the cabin to get closer to her, using the shadows to hide my reflective skin from the sun for as long as possible as I fought against my inner instincts to gain control, I was fighting to warn her of my presence and failing. I was about to leap at her when her phone went.

I clearly herd Alice "its Edward... He's hunting get in the cabin now" her urgent tones in her voice did not deter my drive.

"I know he is Alice" Bella's sweat calm voice came, but did nothing more than annoy me that she did not head my sisters warning and draw my failing need to stop and of the monster it rejoiced and laughed at me lavishing in the pull of her blood.

"NO BELLA, he's hunting YOU, Jasper and Esme are on their way" Alice's frantic words soothed but shocked me but I still could not shake my need for the pulse in the pray before me.

"Oh! He'd better not be... NOT if he knows what's good for him" I heard her stern words in her calm voice but smelled the giveaway rush of adrenaline that flushed her blood stream, the glorious smell of her fear excited my monster more but the tone of her voice pulled it up. As I watched her shield flicker her invisible and then return her again.

"RUN BELLA" Alice screamed down her phone at her.

"Alice I'm not moving, If what you say is true and I do not dought that then if I tried I'd not make it? I'm better staying. I refuse to run from him or any other vampire for that matter" My heart screamed at her 'No Bella run, run away' as my monster dammed her in many languages for not adding to its thrill and giving it the speed of pulse it desired from it's pray.

I could not hold the monster back any longer and without warning it/I leapt and had her, I felt it scream with a horrific repressed delight as my hands grabbed her head forcing it to tip back painfully, I knew the second I touched her I'd cause her pain but she did not resist as my strength overpowered and scratched her skin with my stone nails, yet did not bringing her blood from under the ripped skin. I felt myself force her head further over, pulling her neck tight as the monster brush its nose against the line in her neck that was the sweetest, where I lay and lost myself in her so many times, only now the monsters pleasure was for the liquid within and the pulse that pushing the nectar round her fragile body.

"BELLA" I heard my sister scream from the phone as it landed on the ground, ripped from her grip by the over exerted force I used to take this pray. The sounds of Esme and Jasper hurtling through the forest towards us became more obvious to my hearing as I protected my pray from being taken from me. I heard Alice on the phone "Edward don't you dare, I'll kill you myself if you hurt Bella. Think of the children don't take their mother away Edward... Edward!" her words stung my heart hard but it felt relief that at least I had a release from this life one where I did not have to insight the Volturi to end me for my undoing of my love.

"She is the woman you love Edward.. Stop this now" she continued screaming, Bella was, she is My Bella and I felt myself fight the monster to regain control, I'd not stopped fighting the monster every day but I have never felt him this strong before, years of denying, pushing him into submission must have taken its toll.

Her artery and the pulse of her oxygenated blood smelled good, so hot, it would sooth the pain in my throat, my venom pooled in my mouth and I dribbled with the excess as the monster savoured every second as it watched the dribbled droplets roll down her collar bone and cleavage in an evocative way, I felt discussed with myself for that act alone, and the overtly carnal and depraved acts the monster envisaged for the seconds it watched the poison slide over her body and vanish under her garments. Dam for one instant both me and the monster wanted to follow its tracks into the depths of her heaving breast to take her physically before we killed.

I watched her chest rise and fall with the intake of her soon to be last breaths and heard my name "Edward Cullen" it was Bella her voice shaking and strained with the angle and stretch I had on her neck but it was not the same terror I've heard from other human victims, there was no fight in it, she is controlled and natural, angry like she is with the children, My Bella always a surprise. "I never thought you would attack me like this... from behind..." I felt her swallow "you coward" she spat, the words charring my heart "just like the Volturi" the strength and conviction in her voice as she spoke shook me more than anything I'd heard from her before as she continued hitting me with words that wounded me like diggers "or those humans who raped me. Taking me from behind like cowards, you want my blood Edward Cullen you face me and take it"

A coward, ouch my insides broke as she spoke this, her tone her manner. She put me down, she called me a coward, and she associated me to those bastards who violated her and the Volturi. I am none of these things, not once in my life as human or as this half life have I stooped to this level.

Two things happened inside me the monster broke off at the challenge she lay down and undeterred by her it walked to face its advocacy it was not having a woman, a human at that, talk to it that way and the part of me that loved her with every cell of my existence was cut by her words.

I faced her defeated as a man, my inner monster angry that she'd goaded it "Good" she said as she stood before me, the look on her face and in her eyes was not the Bella I knew she was confident as she spoke "If I am to die, then I will face it head on, I have waited far too long for someone to kill me and I will not die a coward. And I will not give you any excuses, anyone to blame for your actions but yourself. LOOK AT ME EDWARD. Look at me" she defiantly and strongly said facing me with such strength of conviction, my monster looked at her eyes, its staring black eyes burned and drooling for her blood. She locked gaze with it with me inside myself, none of us moved the coiled springs inside the monster went lax as she stared deeper, stronger, I could not move I was rooted to the spot as if invisible arms were holding me in place.

It was not Jasper's talent doing this, he was not close enough, it was Bella. I felt the monster stir uneasily and knew as hard as I'd been trying, I could not control him, I felt myself being pushed to the edge of the abyss "Shield yourself Bella" I managed to push out between by gritted teeth as the monster flexed its jaw and placed its hand on her shoulder and reached for her head pulling its fingers into her hair to grip as it let out a terrible guttural growl angrily loud as if it were a caged.

"NO" she bellowed back at me "to die at your hand is a better than of old age, a broken heart or by the hand of someone else, if this is what you really want? Do it now" she just stood there passive, not a flinch from her as I gripped and growled. She lifting her head so her neck was taught and exposed, easy target, complete surrender, a perfect position as if practiced, no she can't have? The position she now held was every vampire's ideal? How did she know, why is she making this easier for me? for my monster? Oh Bella no.. I stared at my love her eyes still fixed on mine as a serene smile spread on her face in contentment as she waited for me to strike, where did she get this strength from, why was she doing this?

Her eyes, they were what I needed to make feel safe, they burned a calm brilliant blue into me I was at home with her in my life, I could not let the monster within me kill her. Just as I wanted to keep a hold on the sence of serenity she filled me with the monster was trying not look into her intense sapphire eyes, the love that poured from them into me filled me with awe and over whelmed the monsters need, as mine were being satisfied, she continued starring unblinking deep into me, I'd never known a human not blink for this length of time she was focused as they sparkled with the intensity of her emotion as the afternoon sun warmed us as my skin reflected its light back at her making kaleidoscopic patens on her face.

She stool so still, unmoving, tall, straight and strong in her stance, her power over me as she grew taller and I crumbled to the ground at her feet defeated unable to face her, my monster now fighting me to stay dominant but laughing at me still from deep inside for my weakness regarding this human, this human I loved.

Jasper and Esme crowned the ridge as dust bellowed up at Bella's feet when my knees landed, I did not take my eyes of Bella's as they walked closer with their arms out passively towards us. Esme's thoughts were of Bella as she saw clump of hair in my fingers and the newly forming bruises and scratches left by my fingers and her blood just under the surface in each of my nail tracts made me sick to see it through her eyes. As Esme walked the red blotches on her jaw where my fingers gripped to hold her steady as I went to drank were turning black.

Esme was shocked and ashamed of me, I was ashamed of me, Jasper was amazed I'd not struck and of Bella, her strength, I could feel through him, there was no fear from her just love, a passive calm sense, he equated it to the last moments of a human's life moments before death takes them but she was not close to death but she had willed it openly just moments ago and the realisation that she surrendered. NO... Sacrificed herself for me was too much to bear..

Jasper's shocked mind was interlaced with surprise and awe that he not had to use his gift on her not that he got the chance, she was stood before me without assistance, my head bent lower as Esme's disapproval and chastisements filled my head and the realisation that Bella was much stronger than she ever could have thought possible, she'd seen the eyes of my monster as it thirsted and salivated after her and she refused to take Alice's warning and run, she refused to move or show any fear, she stood there willing to die.

The reality of this brought everything crashing down and fell forward face first in the dirt at her feet. I did not deserve such a woman's affection; I did not even deserve her gaze upon me now I can see her in the minds of Jasper and Esme, Bella is still looking at me although her posture had changed as she is hesitant in her movements for the first time.

"Edward" no she can't be wanting to talk to me.. "Edward" Bella repeated as I pushed my disserving face further into the dirt, she was much closer to me when she said my name again I refused to listen to her soft comforting voice bringing me back to where I most wanted to be.. No she cannot want me...

Why is she trying to turn me over?.. "Ah Edward turn over, help me please" her words filled with the effort to roll me.. I heard Esme and Jasper approach cautiously and felt the Jasper affect come over me, I wish he hadn't I now feel numb as I lay here, I was not going to move ever again I did not need him to subdue me further as Esme took Bella carefully and lead her away from my side to the cabin.

Esme's eyes inspected the wounds I'd left she was debating the best cause of action with them a Band-Aid to cover the scratches or a cold compress. As she sat by Bella and removed her light cotton sweater and dipping it in the water jasper had brought back and held it hesitantly to Bella's neck afraid her closeness may affect Bella. "I'll send Carlisle with his bag, I'll leave you with Jasper for now I should be home to help with the children, he needs you, you need some sweet tea Jasper will you.." she said softly and I watched Bella nod and kiss her good bye before she disappeared over the ridge.

While Jasper went inside to make Bella her tea I had lost my visual contact with Bella through him but I heard her all the same, her steady heart beat and breaths, the sounds that fill my nights when she is resting.

"Edward" her voice came again "look at me please" Jasper appeared and I could see from his mind and hear in her voice I was frustrating her. "Edward Please" I heard her yell into my back as she now crouched over me pushing her face into my shoulder blades her hot breath burning me.

How could she want to be this close to me to the monster that attacked her and nearly killed. I felt her kiss on my head and her leave me and walk to the cabin and sit back on the deck still watching me with tears streaming down her face this time.

"Jasper would you ask Carlisle to bring my laptop and the USB pen I keep in my wash bag back with him please?" Jasper nodded and sent a text.

"Ma am" came Jaspers voice when she did not move "you've had a shock, you should go in and get warm, I've get a fire going and your tea is ready" I watched him go inside, it should be me caring for her but I can't face her not now I'v... I hear her footsteps, coming back to me. I can feel her body heat so close and hear her heart pounding away my favourite rhythm, oh! I am a retched man.

"Edward, Please get up please. You never hurt me before and I believe that it is ingrained in you, and know you would not have hurt me, Please this is ridiculous, we all do silly things and lapse sometimes please I need you" she begged, her touch soothing me but I refused to move, I'd stay where I was for hell or high water I nearly killed the woman I love, so nearly after all these years of resisting and being in control I nearly killed her.

I wished I had voice to ward her off, to tell her I was no good for her, this act I feared from the first day I saw her at school, this was the reason I ran from her, back then I was not going to be defeated and I returned fell in love with her and now I'd so nearly taken those her away from her children.

I felt Bella's hands stroke my head, soothing and lovingly just as she does absentmindedly when she pulls me to lie on her lap while she's watching TV. I felt her body relax as she lay herself on me, moulding herself to my back, a position we had often used when we need to be closer than we should, her on top of me, her weight did not affect me she was as light as she ever was. The top of her head was nestled into the back of my neck and she purred, as her fingers stroked me, why was she doing this, why and how could she want to be this close to the monster that near killer her?

"Please Edward" she whispered in her exhaled breath, I could not move to shake my head. I felt her rock a little on me, soothing herself, and I felt her despair and loneliness from Jasper as he approached, I wanted to growl at him for his thoughts but his actions were for the care of Bella and if I were not face down wanting the world to swallow me then I'd be asking her the same thing.

"Ma am" he said calmly "it's getting cold out here now the suns gone behind the tree line, won't you warm yourself by the fire"

"No Jasper, I won't" she said as she sniffed back tears.

"Ma am" he repeated touching her shoulder carefully, filling her with a feeling that she was not alone in this. she sat up and swung herself round looking up at him, I hated the look on her face, the strength had gone and the feelings I was reading from Jasper scared me but I could not move such was my hate for myself and my actions I could not comfort my love..

He was feeling great amount of fear and despair rolling from her "Ma am are you alright?" he asked just as she pushed herself from me after her fingers stroked my skin at the neck of my shirt a deliberate act for contact.. She walked with porpoise to the back of the cabin.

"Jasper Please stop trying to make me feel better, the only person I want to do that is burying himself in the dirt, I wish to God I could do that but I can't, I've tried for too many years. Why can't Edward see I don't care about what happened, I need to talk to him and I want to see his eyes when I do, he can't hide his emotions from me when he's facing me" .

I watched through Jaspers eyes as she walked off entering the cabin, drank the tea he had made and headed to her room.. he did not follow her in he never went into her room when she reappeared wearing one of her old jumpers one I recall her father loaning her one autumn morning not long after she arrived in Forks when I watched her, this memory made me smile, it was from the time before we went to our meadow.

Jasper picked up on a change in her as I heard Carlisle running towards our location weighed down by cumbersome leather bags "Where are you going Ma am?" Jasper asked.

"home Jasper, he can bury himself in the dirt all he wants, I can't and I have people that need me, I'm going to bury my head my way and focus on the girls. I'm a parent and I can't hide away from my problems and I can't let someone else look after them either, I can't stay here he does not want me here or he'd have moved or done something" she said with a tear in her eye never looking away from me as she stared out of the window.

"Ma am" he started "Carlisle's nearly hear, he can run you back don't go on your own, and you know what he feels about you, he's just..." he broke off and looked in my direction too I heard his thoughts chastising me for doing this to her, calling me a stubborn fool "he's Edward"

She smiled, a brief smile but a smile none the less swelling my heart but I could not let myself go to her, how could I? I am a retched man, I nearly killed the woman I want to be with forever.

Carlisle stopped running as he crowned the ridge, he took one look at me 'Ah! my son, my Edward, do not beat yourself up so, she is alive, do not stay there too long my son' he walked to the cabin and entered greeting Bella like a patient "Come lets look at that neck of yours, Esme tells me Edward attached you?" he was so calm as he checked her over, cleaned her neck with surgical wipes, clearing the mud my fingers engrained in her flesh away and placed a covering over them, I'm not sure it was necessary but I guess it would hide them from my view.

"Esme sent me with this soup, eat up and lets talk?" he continued handing Jasper the flask to empty into a bowl. He and Jasper spoke at speed, jasper filling in Carlisle on what happened and what he felt and feels form us both.

"Hello" came my Bella's voice as Carlisle finished taping the covering to Bella, it was the same tone she used when she was fed up of our vamp conversations, she can hear the hiss but can't hear the words and it frustrates her.. "I'm here too?"

"Yes sorry my child" Carlisle said "we forget sometimes"

"Ma am" Jasper uttered apologetically bringing the bowl to Bella.

"You forget? – ye right that's a new one" she came back "thanks for the soup" she said to Jasper who nodded and moved away

"hum yes my dear, when we are faced with a crisis we resort back to our normal methods and that means we forget that you cannot hear us, so much needs to be expressed so we can all understand the situation we find ourselves, I apologise we were discussing what happened" Carlisle explained. "Why do you want the laptop? If you want to return to the house?"

"The USB pen is a diary of sorts, every picture I could find of me when I was first Emma, medical information and what I could remember of what happened to me after I was taken, its on there.. I want you to look at it, so he'll see.. See why I was not afraid of him, may be explain to you some of my limps and things I don't want to talk about, other than what you already know, I cannot find the words to explain everything before Fred helped me I blocked so much out and I did again afterwards it has been so many years but this has everything you want to know, the missing bits, I know you will see gaps and it jumps about a little I was not all that clear on what happened when some weeks.." she said to them both

"you do not have to do this Bella" Carlisle said

"I cannot give him what I want, this has proved that, but I can give him the parts of me I want to bury in the sand, maybe show him that it's alright to hate parts of you and keep going? I don't know I am all out of options and ideas to get him to move, I need him to know about me, he says what happened and what I did does not matter.. let him have all the facts to make that choice.. it is the same as him showing me that side of him.." she broke off as Carlisle nodded and held her shoulders..

"If this is what you want?" he confirmed with her

She nodded "I do not want to be here to see your face when you see that.. I want them left buried but I will talk to him about them if he wants to" Carlisle smiled and nodded as she went out of the door "password is Edward Cullen 1901" my heart twisted as she said my name as she left and Jasper followed

I heard their feet approach as Carlisle typed the password "I love you Edward, you know where to find me when you're ready" and she kissed my head "stay safe please" Jasper picked her up and ran down the slope to the forest below, I heard him run till she asked to be put down and I listened intently as she slowly walked away with Jasper at her side.

Carlisle had the USB open and there were a series of files with dates. He opened the first the text was sketchy her explanations pain filled and these both Carlisle and I recall hearing from her to some degree of other, he browsed through the copies of her medical records. I was now transfixed on his mind and what he was seeing, X-rays, photographs her accounts Carlisle's thoughts spoke volumes, what we were looking at were her bones, the brakes and fractures all of which healed thanks you the venom but showing up as clearly as the marks from her childhood I compared the x-ray I saw after the accident at school when I saved her, there were hundreds of tiny healed hairline fractures.

Carlisle knew what Bella's injuries were up to that point she was taken, there were medical notes corresponding with her injuries as Emma on the files he now had access to. He was as shocked and stunned at the number of extra fracture and brake marks to her ribs, arms and legs...

He looked up at the door 'I am sorry Edward, there is so much information here I am not sure I have it in me to look through it in one sitting, this is shocking and to know that most of this was done because she knew us, my son she needs comfort as much as you do, you should be with her not lain there, you know what you must do son' he said to me as he closed the open document his head filled with anger at what she went through he was trying to block his thoughts about what he saw from me but I knew already how it hurt him to know who had ordered this to be done.

"Take your time Edward, she is remarkably strong but she needs you like you need her, find her when your ready son" he said as he passed me closing up the cabin and taking the laptop back with him, I knew he'd research the notes and cross reference later when he was with Esme. The loved Bella as if she were like the rest of us seeing her hurt this way caused them pain.

I lay face down for several hours, the rain came and went as did the dawn but I could not move. My thoughts were with Bella always with her as I lay frozen in place by my own stupidity and humiliation, but I also knew I could not ruin her vacation, Alice had plans to go to Forks and I was to be there... I saw her mention the letters she wrote to me, her musings on writing to me so I could read her mind, she truly believed that I was in spirit with her... I need to tell her I've read the letters and seen my shirt not the pictures on the USB Carlisle flicked through... but how...


	27. Forks

Twilight is not mine, I fell in love with the characters.

Ok here it is – your views please guys, I know you have waited a while for this and I am so sorry it has taken me a year to write a new chapter the rest are forming slowly some encouragement and comments would be nice, revitalise my reason to write.

**Forks.**

Emma's POV

I came to, the light in the room was strangely familiar, alright I knew we were heading to Forks but I'd lost track of time thanks to Jasper and I've woken in so many different places recently, some I've not been to for a few years, this was one I was so sure I knew.. ah what am I thinking I am not really awake enough to make a conscious decision but there was just something about the grey hue to the room and the smell of the air.

The bedding to my side was smooth and the pillow undented, it wasn't perfectly placed either, still no sign of Edward, I slid my hand under the covers to where he would have lain, no that tell tale chill there either which happens when he's settled next to me.

As my ears automatically scanned for sounds, ah! The sounds of boiling of water, the build up of steam to just before the whistle but it failed to sing as always when a Cullen was around, instead I heard water being poured, the duration and tone was that of the tea pot Alice brought me and has taken to carrying around when we go on overnight trips, it's very chincy, quaintly British in style, very Agatha Christie Miss Marple, a style she seems to be liking having watched most of the TV programmes linked to the dear old character.

Not wanting sound like a freak but when your around people who's hearing is way much better than yours you tend to focus more in the identifiers around you so you feel less of the human and useless, it comes in handy when your family are deathly quiet. OK l know I'll not get to hear Edwards car on the highway but I can tell the difference as the cars approach the house, The sounds of each member of the family making tea is also distinctive, this effort can only be Jasper, he stirs the pot four times, taps the spoon once as to Alice's twice and five turns. He turns the pot before he puts the lid on and adding the tea cosy and leaving it to rest. I have no idea where they get these ritual from except the telly, me I boil, pour and leave while I get my mug and the milk, hoyk the tea bags out before it stews to the point it melts the spoon with tannin and drink as soon as possible. But that's me, I tuned my ears searching for the girls and heard Alice wordlessly cajoling the girls to eat their breakfast, the clank of a third spoon on a bowl a good indicator she was helping to feel little Alice and their muffled chatter through my closed door.

There was a knock at the door, not sure why she bothers, she entered before she finished with the whirlwind of girls, who where dressed. She was carrying a tray with tea and toast on it as the girls dove on to the bed and bounced me to full awareness, chattering on about going to the zoo.

I quizzed Alice as my brain failed to locate from my memory where "Fork's Zoo" was and half the other things they were jabbering on about. I ascertained that she was taking them to Seattle, they would be gone all day and Jasper was staying with me, she handed me with a list of things I needed to buy and pushed the credit card at me, I'd managed this far without accepting this particular gift, avoiding it at every turn and I'd thought it was in the draw next to the bed, under my socks after Edward placed it in my purse in place of my bank card.

There was flurry of goodbyes and silence, the air in the cabin became still for a few seconds then was broken by a tap on the window and the chorus of "Mum get up" the sound of the car purring to life, doors closing and silence returned, absolute silence.. except the crunch of toast, the sounds of pouring tea.

I was about to get out of bed and there was a polite knock at the door and Jaspers clearing his throat. "ma am"

"Jasper" I replied

"I need to get us a car, I should about an hour" he said his tone awkward. "Time enough for you to shower and be ready, I'll see you later." The was a precise tone and speed to the last part of his sentence that meant Alice had already given him insight to the day ahead, he was not to take any nonsense from me, looking back at the list Alice had left me there was not much of a chance to slack and curl up in bed, to enjoy the child free time or worry about what Edward was doing.

I resigned myself to getting up as Jasper tapped on the window from outside, the rhythm he used to give me a human heads up that he was there when I could not see him as he ghosted around or in this case off, it even with the upbeat friendly rhythm it always sounded a little like nails on a chalk board as his stone fingers grazed the glass sets my ears on edge.

I enjoyed a long hot shower and dressed in the clothes sat on the chair 'Alice'. I had more tea and another round of toast. I was just clearing things when I heard a car pull up and one glance to the clock exactly an hour after he left and Jasper appeared at the door with my coat.

"Ma am, Alice left us a list of items the little ladies require, we should get going before the rain starts, you know what she's like if..." we both know what she's like, she'd get the items we forgot she always does, and we get to know about it too, not that shopping is a bind for her, it's a religious experience which after all these years baffles the hell out of me.

The drive through Forks brought back memories, as we sat at the lights at the intersection the same old wooden statues were stood as they always were, wagons filled with massive tree trunks so much bigger than on British roads. I know it's been at least twenty three years since I was last here, but the huddles of the older generation men and women that stood in their same locations gossiping away it was as if I'd never left, a little nodd from Jasper as he felt my mood and read my expressions. We headed out of town first to the next town to get some treats and groceries Alice had requested, she predicted of we went to this store no one from our past will meet us and it would be a good test for me?

Heading back to Forks we passed the Dinner which had the police cruiser outside in the same spot Charlie used to park same registration plate too. Anxiety suddenly struck me as memories of Dad and my friends flooded back, what if I saw them? What if they seem me? Would they recognise me? I know I feel the same as I did I mean they Volturi could not change my scent or the person inside, and I knew I was barely recognisable thanks to their butchery which I hated to the core.

A more than welcome calm came to my nerves just as the feelings of nausea were about to flood out of control.

"Ma am" came Jaspers soothing tone, I knew he knew my heart rate was off the charts, just as I knew it was him calming me and as much as we both know I hated his intervention it was welcome as a new panic hit me 'how do I explain why I feel like this? ' it was squashes as soon as I heard his voice, one advantage with the Cullen's I did not have to explain or find ways of hiding old memories of my life as Bella.

"The Chief of Police is Frank Malloy; he was a quarter back the year we started at Forks, a good man, he qualified and work with Charlie for a year before..." I cocked my head in acknowledgment of what was being said, Jasper cut off as my heart leached as he mentioned my Fathers name.

"Bella, we are passing the church yard, would you like to visit with your father?" he added looking out in the direction of the church, I screwed my nose up and shook my head but in reality I was in two minds. When we sped past the church and I could not help but look, "we will call in on our return, I will pick up some flowers while your in the store." He confirmed feeling the concern in me as we passed.

The next I knew we were pulling up in the car park of the Newton's outdoor store where I worked. This has to be one of Alice's Jokes! As Jasper handed me her list when my pocket searches came up empty.

Gumboots for the girls, and walkers for me, I guess a pair over here would make life a little easier, saves me remember in to pack mine from home, hark at me 'home', this is confusing which is my home? Forks or England? It kind of hurts your head after a while.

I'd have to go inside and I felt ill at the idea, Jasper had my door open before I could apply much thought to reject. I got out as more calm washed over me as he took my hand to help me out, "ma am – just gumboots for the little ladies and boots for you, unless you want Alice to get..." he stopped watching sensing the change in me knowing just as well as I did the boots Alice looked at for me... I really don't do Pink Walking boots even if I have mellowed a little since the girls. "You know you can do this, it's just footwear. I'll be right here" he said as I felt a little more confident as I strode to the door, flashes of my old school friends and conversations filling my mind as I reached for the door.

Once inside the confidence Jasper was instilling on me pushed me to go directly to the boots, as I passed the shelves I realised the layout was as it was, nothing had changed, just the stock. I was so wrapped up in my surprise at how little had changed I did not notice the voice from the top of the aisle, "I'll be with you in a moment" a male's voice.. the familiar accent I'd not heard for so years but had dreamed..

"How can I help" I looked up from my thoughts at the man the same age as me, stout casually dressed, OMG 'Mike' and just feet from me, I did not know what do to, panic set in as I fumbled with my list and dropped it, then knocked the stand of pocket macs in my efforts to get my list, oh my what time for the old Bella to return. As I watched Mike grab the stand and settle it, then reach for my list, reading it as he rose, I felt a new wave of calm hit me as a phone message buzzed on my cell making me jump and fumble again for the phone.

Oh my it was Mike as he spoke years vanished "that's alright Ma am I've got your list, not from these parts?... Just visitin" Mike continued I nodded shocked that he did not recognise me as I read the message. _Don't destroy the store_ I smiled awkwardly at Alice's late message.

"My list please" I said trying to remember to control my accent, the past year with the Cullen's it has slipped, back to how it was and right now I was worried I'd sound like Bella and not who I am now.

As I focused and spoke my English accent hit the air harder and much louder than I expected, taking me a back a little then I realised that Mike really had idea who I was, "we're here on a holiday, just passing through, in fact. I could do with some gu.." I swallowed and corrected myself "wellington boots for my girls" I waving my arms at the display part way down the aisle.

"sure" I'd heard that tone before he was distracted.. checking me out, oh Mike you devil, some things never change and your wearing a wedding band. Tut tut tut.. Thank god it was Jasper out there and not Edward.

As my mind reeled at the unchanged Mike, I wondered who he'd married I didn't have to wait long there was a woman's voice, Jessica? Wow brilliant, I tried to control the grin that spread across my face, as she called "Mike, Mike.. you have a call from the depo" she came round the corner carrying the phone, she looked as hot as when we were at high school how did she do it?.

Mike cleared his throat , "She's after gum boots for her kids, would you.." he took the phone "Ma am" he said as he nodded his head as he went off with the phone, discussing orders just like his father did when I worked here. Oh my Jessica can I get myself past her too?

"Hello, Right.. boots, boys or girls?" she asked

I stared at the display half listening to Mike as he went off chatting and laughing on the phone,

"hum Girls. Two and you?" I asked forgetting I was shopping and out catching up with an old friend.

"that's nice, how old and what's the shoe size?" brimming with a strange joy, the one you get when chatting to a fellow parent.

"hum size 10 and 6" I said remembering their sizes I have no idea what their sizes are in American.

"British?"

"yes sorry I can't recall what the crossover of their sizes is,, herm..."

"I have a conversion chart at the counter, you look at what we have and I'll check the sizes out" and she left me.

I could not believe I was having a conversation with old friends and they did not know it was me, I was in two minds as to what to do next, say "hi its Bella" or not.. I guessed that the volturi were not following me these days or they would have intervened by now.. Jess returned, dam I've missed her, I stared at her while she choose very girly styles off the.

"Something wrong Ma am?" she asked catching me off guard as I desperately juggled telling her.

"No, these are great. The same pattern would be better, saves..." I replied coming out of my trance.

"the arguing" Jess finished knowingly "I know what you mean, they always want the same as the other" she nodded "we have three, two boys and a girl. Are you in Forks for long?"

We walked to the counter to pay when I was fitted with new boots, "I don't know it's all down to E.. All down to how things go, I guess" I paid and thanked Jessica and left the store. As the door closed behind me a car pulled into the lot and from it ran two boys closely followed a woman, Mrs Newton hand in hand with a little girl no bigger than my Alice.

Jasper pulled the car up to me as the family went inside, I dropped my bag of boots on the back seat where I spotted a bunch of flowers, I got in the fragrance filled car and watched Jessica hug the kids as we pulled off, it was such a lovely sight.

"how was that Ma am?" Jasper asked

"oh! It was OK, wow I know my life has changed so much, you forget how it affects others when you don't see them change" I replied

"you don't get used to it" he said as we headed out back towards the church yard.

We pulled up in a light drizzle, Jasper opened my door with the flowers in his hand, we walked the path towards the site where Charlie was buried, Jasper froze. I've been around the Cullen's enough to know he'd picked up on something, as his protected stance kicked in.

"no its OK ma am, go ahead I'll stay here, your father is the third down on the fourth aisle after the bench ahead aways" he pointed and handed me the flowers, I felt myself relax as I was alone about to be me as to the split me, my head raced with what I would say, I'd rather Edward were here but also strangely glad he wasn't, there were things I wanted to tell my father I was not sure Edward would understand.

My thoughts strayed to Edward and how I left him, I'm sure if anything had changed Alice would have told me? My man can be so suborn sometimes I know the human time scale for sulking can be long, for a vampire even with their speed and clarity of thought, Edward says they lose track of time for want of a better way of explaining things, distracted by the tiniest details, I so wish I could slap him upside his head and not get hurt one day.

I went down the line of grave stones, Mrs Norris, Mr Flax. Chief Charlie Swan, I found it, there were flowers there already, reasonably fresh too by the looks, I moved them aside to read the headstone.

Here lies Chief Charlie Swan, beloved husband, beloved father of Bella Swan.

And his dates. Husband? I looked at the card on the flowers, the name there was Sue?

I stood there pondering all the Sue's I knew when I felt I was being watched, not from where I left Jasper but from the trees to the other side, I did not want to ask Jasper, even knowing he'd hear my whisper if I asked, but I knew he'd pick up on my heart rate, the sense did not leave me I felt myself flex my shield a little wider than its normal body hugging state, I tried hard to keep myself insight for Jasper so I did not just vanish if it were a human watching, I was half expecting Jasper to react but he never moved, he stayed looking comfortable.

I left my flowers and kissed the grave stone, my thoughts all over the place, my heart heavy with the loss of my father, I'd got used to being with him and he being part of my life, to be faced with the reality of him no longer being alive hit me hard when I was told, to see the proof was another matter, I know I'd resigned myself to a life without my family when I agreed to marry Edward all those years ago but this is different nothing can prepare you for this, not even Edwards many warnings.

I felt calm descend as I finished my story, well that to which I was brave enough to speak aloud, I stayed with my thoughts till I felt Jasper by my side placing a brolly over my head, I'd not noticed the rain had gotten heavier till I was shielded from it as were walking to the car. I was brought out of my silence as he pointed out the time, Alice and the girls would be back soon, we needed to get back.

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chapter 28 needs a re-write also needs a title.. so I'm working in that at the mo.. I hope this makes up for the silence..

PP


	28. Past and Present Collide

Past and Present Collide.

Ian's POV

Oh my I am so wired, I've just finished a concert at the Town Hall here on 8th Avenue, it was another well appreciated semi full house filled mostly with Choral Music lovers, Grannies and the odd tourist, the same as yesterday. But tonight's the last night till a concert back in New York in four days time. I am so looking forward to being paid to holiday.

As I walk from my dressing room with my bags and other personal effects that normally travel with the set and production on the wagon. I let my mind fill with thoughts of my friend Emma, she's out here somewhere, it would be good to see her and the girls. I can feel her children, it's odd that the life light's I see in my mind that I am used to seeing at a distance, theirs are so close? I can't really put my finger on it, they are glowing so happily, a good thing, but I only ever get the feeling of theirs or anyone I care for's closeness this strongly, when they are either near me or as I am use to in the case of the Grahams the distance, unless there is trouble?

Must be last afternoon euphoria and that I want to call her to find out if she is near New York? I know there is family there. Hugs and Kisses from colleagues distract me momentarily as I get to the stage door to sign out and hand in my key. The fresh air of the street hits me as the door opens and closes fanning the air in the post performance millay of cast and crew.

My good byes said and I'm out. Ah! I may have had a shower but the sweat from effort of the concert and the heat of the building is still dripping from me as I orientate myself towards the car park and my hire car.

"Ian, Ian" I hear called "Uncle Ian" I hear again from young familiar voices.

I look round to where the sound is coming from and get bowled over by my two wards..

"Oh my, Hello" I say to them scanning above their heads for Emma, "where's your mum?" I question

"We're with Alice, she took us to see you sing" Beatrice said, wow she's grown up a little since I last saw her or at least heard her speak.

"You were good, you sang mummy's favourite song" Alice said and promptly hummed the tune as a woman strode up, in a very confident and commanding manor, my heckles rose and I felt my blood run cold. Every sense in me screamed RUN, to not see Emma at all made my heart race as I calculated what to do with the girls and how best to protect them from the evil that approached, my head was screaming two things.

Emma's other family, the ones she met at Christmas are vampires I knew that from what I saw and sensed in her when she was new at being Emma and when I had to get her to sort herself out with the man she loves. The reality of coming face to face with a vampire is not exactly Buffy or Vampire Diaries esk.

I was just too far from the stage door to bundle them in there, I was about to try the fire exit door to my left when the girls turned from me and the hug and were all over this creature in female form. "Alice this is Ian" they said.

That took me a back, she is the psychic one? Now I'm feeling there love and acceptingly safe they are with this woman I can feel what she is to them and Emma..

"Hello" I squeak out from my dry and terrified throat.

"I'm Alice, nice to meet you at last, Here" and she handing me a small bottle of water.

"Great concert" she continued "the girls sang a long to lots of the numbers, "I thought I'd bring them as we are in the area. So you have four days off as your at a loose end why not join us?" she said and you know when your mother asks you a question with a choice but you know that there is not one to be made, well now was one of those times. Backed up by the return of the girls begging me to stay.

Well I have missed them all; Alice took my suitcase, pulling it behind her, freeing my hands to walk hand in hand with the girls, boy did they chatter, sang and had a laugh as we walked to my car.

I love coincidences but this one was amazing she was parked right next to me?

After a brief discussion it was agreed that I'd drive the girls back to Forks, she set the sat nav to guide me to the cabin as she was off to get supper and would meet us there. She is very trusting of a person to let me, someone she does not know drive all that way with the children?

She kisses the girls and drives off leaving me to set off on our merry way. From what the children say, I find out that Emma has not seen Edward for a few days and she is sad. I now know they have not been in Forks long and that they are with Jasper, Alice's Husband and Alice, I also found out they live with from what it seems lots of others, the list of names seemed endless, not that the children seem to know what they are, just that they are 'American' that's why they are cold, a bit like African's are different shade of brown to black, American's are sometimes cold to touch. I can see how they get away with this and how the girls don't take it as anything abnormal. It does sound like the kind of thing Emma would dream up to explain the unexplainable.

I drive and realise that I'm about to get a glimps into the other side of my lifelong friend, or at least the new version of her, not that the new Emma is a bad person, just I sensed long ago there was a difference and an air that meant asking and I may not live to let the information settle, I witnessed or became aware of people vanishing who seemed to question Emma's changes too much.

I suddenly felt cold as we drove over a bridge into Forks, I'd been occupied with my thoughts as I sang Starlight Express Numbers to the girls who are transfixed by this musical. I managed to miss the turn but the drive through the town was worth the diversion. I followed more intently the directions the box on my dash board was giving and at last pulled up at the cabin, another car was there but not Alice's.

I got out and followed the girls to the door, they barged in and ran to their mother, Oh my she's been crying and I feel the tension roll off the male in the room with her, instantly thinking he's to blame for her tears seeing he mirror's the woman's pale appearance, I don't make it another step when my body is taken over by a sense of calm, warmth and yep I know this guy is not the cause of the tears. I've no idea what is but I'm sure Emma will spill the beans when the girls have gone to bed, I can see she's got a grip of it and is hiding them from us.

I was taken aside by Jasper the male as he introduced himself, but did not offer his hand to shake! Just as we got to the car to retrieve my bags it was like the Spanish inquisition and I had the third degree by the bloke.

Did she tell you about us?

What do you know? How, When, What and Why – quick fire it was like I was on Mastermind or something.. Dam... American's can be intense. I was given a list of rules I was to abide by or else... I did not get the or else quantified but deep down it felt terminal.

OK I'm being harsh, I know how dangerous it is for me to know about vampires, I'd seen it for myself when she first came to the village, but I'm not even sure now if I can even think that word right now there are so many rules in my head..

I am shown my room and I sit there for a while thinking, putting what I've just seen, felt and know in to prospective. Emma, that's the dead.. no I can't say that I know she's alive in spirit.. hummm Emma the first.. nope too American for my liking, so far these guys have got my back up enough "My Emma" the original one, we grew up together, I was as far as I can remember always in love with her, but not like "IN" love with her I bat for the other team, it's nice that we had the same taste in guys but that's another story.

I've always known when she was in trouble, where she was and who she was with more by feelings, than anything else. The car accident nearly crippled me I felt her pain, I did not have the luxury of morphine which she was on for ages. I clearly saw from Emma's eyes the monster that killed her I felt the burning sensation spread through her body after it bit her, Apart from not expecting this kind of act, I was not expecting the additional pain that spread through her veins. I'd have thought the morphine would have dulled any new pain, having had that when they changed her drips and had to re-break her arm when it hadn't healed as it should but...

I cried for weeks after she died, something in me flickered out, the best I can describe is when Dumbledore snuffs the street lamps out in the first Harry Potter, I felt heavy hearted as her light drifted off from where I'd grown accustomed to it being. I could not bring myself to tell anyone. Especially when her parents and the gossip was all on how well she was doing and her improvement when she had a change of doctor.

I went to see the New Emma in hospital and could feel and see the difference in her aura even though she was like My Emma bandaged up so you could not see all of her face. I read in the eyes of this new Emma a strength and a terror that ran so deep, she was rarely without a nurse when she had visitors, we thought and were told it was to keep her calm and to monitor her vitals this new doctors orders. Well I guess it was another of those creatures checking up so she did not let the cat out of the bag, they are very clever, I can seen now why she was so devious about not talking.

I emerged from my room when I heard my name called, it was time to get ready for dinner, nothing was in the oven and I assume Alice has called to say she was on her way but I did not hear the phone? We were all just ready when a car pulled up and in far too quick a time she was stood in the kitchen opening up take out boxes of the most delicious smelling Italian food, the girls favourite and mine? I don't recall asking for 'Conchiglie Rigate Piccanti.'

Fed, watered, I was taken a back that they did not eat but as Jasper pointed out he was taking his wife out for a meal, it was so believable I was starting to forget what they were as I watched as Alice took the girls off to bed leaving Emma and I to talk.

Talk, we did plenty of that. She is engaged to Edward now, well I kind of knew this already but I do love to hear it, the family name is Cullen, there are seven of them, Emma or should I say Bella and Edward met in Forks many years ago, when she was living with her father, the Cullen's are vegetarian's and I had that explained, I can see why they would use the term but its kind of opposite to what a real veggy eats, still makes me shiver and more so now that warm and calm feeling has left me now Jasper and Alice have gone and I know its not to a nice little restaurant somewhere down the road, I rarely feel the need to lock the doors and check the windows and place garlic everywhere but tonight I did all the ritual's I could think of while Emma took a loo break.

She laughed at me, pointing out that its not worth the effort none of it works, that made me feel safe! But I took my lead from the girls and Emma who all seemed rather calm. I found out she had been crying as she'd been to her father's grave. A man she'd not thought of properly other than she know's he's out there somewhere, probably looking for her, only he's been dead for years and she did not know, she brook down again and after a while she explained what happened to her and the lack of wedding right up to when I first saw her.

Now I know and to be frank I know more than I really wanted to, but as much as I like the idea and feel of her now being settled, deliriously happy and calm inside her instead of this constant low level hiatus, the idea of my God Children being in a house of Vampires and safe is very schizophrenic, to know that the creatures who did all this to Emma, Bella are the same, screws my logical senses. But as Emma put it, they are no different to the girls in our year of school, there are the normal ones who are a little brinier than most, who we hung out with and there are the bitches who seem hell bent on being nasty regardless, put like that... I can see where she's coming from.

I just thought.. Well it does not matter what I thought, but I feel welcome, that is something I don't often feel about people is that sense of coming home everyone at ease and well like walking into my parents home after so many years of living alone, Incredible.

OK apart from Jasper who asked me all those intense questions while Emma was busy with the kids. I get from Emma that they can't tell anyone and people are to find out for themselves or it's death by the Vol.. Something or others... sends shivers down my spine.

It was just like old times falling asleep on the sofa with Emma last night, I get the feeling she covered me when she headed off to bed, she always did. I slept well too which for all I'd heard and seen was bazaar, I guess enough of my unanswered questions were answered. I just wish this Edward chap who she's engaged to was here to meet, not hearing much about him is making me feel like there is a problem somewhere? But at least this way I've had her undivided attention all night and I've a feeling she'd not have been so open with a guy at her side.

Today I get to find out a little more about the woman I see before me, it's our day. Alice has given the girls bucket and spade sets, I have a feeling from her that she's pushing a direction we go in and I'm not sure what and seeing as Emma is not keen on driving the big black Merc Alice and Jasper left the keys for, somehow I feel some weight on my shoulders as to the path of the day, if not a little dictated too with the objects the kids are crying out to use.

Well I saw a sign to a beach when I was on my way in last night so I may as well head there, big enough car park. I've not seen black sand before, it was fun hearing the girls question it, which lightened my mood a little, my head was filled with more questions to satisfy my curiosity, at least this beach the noise of the sea and rock pools give a distraction for the girls so we can talk. Thanks to my time working at Blackpool's Sea Life Centre working in the rock pool section I can talk about the life they'd find. I love educating my wards. I set them a task while I went and sat with their mother, who seemed distracted by some guys diving from the cliffs, there was a memory written on her face, I was so going to find out about her life as Isabella.

I walked back and sat on the tree that was lodged in the rocks, worn smooth by years of erosion but looking like it had grown in the sand. I watched another guy take a dive and was about to ask her about family here when I was distracted by the god that stood and exited the water just down from us, hubba hubba hubba what a body, such a physique oh man I so want...

Ouch! She's elbowed me in the ribs, dam that hurt. OK I earned it we are supposed to be watching the kids and talking and I've yet to ask my questions, and now a question from the youngest has her walking in their direction.

She is such a great mom to those two it makes me smile, and glad I got to know this person. OK she's not all the Emma I knew but she's great and without the death of my friend I'd not have meet her and had these two as God Children. My thoughts were again distracted by a yelp.. Emma's yelp.

"What you done?" I asked cynically

"slipped on the rocks, hurt my ankle" she replied as I headed over..

Yep she'd hurt it alright it was swelling up and she was not placing weight on it.

"Good Grief woman, can't take you anywhere" I said "come on let's get you back to that tree stump"

"Ahhh" she yelled

"Maybe not, how bad is it" I asked

"painful... Ahhh, don't pull me I can't Ouch!" she went on..

OK what can I do out here, help is needed to get her off the rocks, I saw the next god climb out of the water, it was so like Daniel Craig's James Bond water scene in Casino Royal, I was smitten by the bodies of these youngsters, far too young and most likely not on my wave length, DAM.

I climbed over the rocks and asked for help.

"OK Sir I'll get Seth to give us a hand" the dark haired hunk of dreamboat said and I watched a moment as he headed to the family group who were sat a little ways up the beach and saw all heads turn in our direction, there was a brief discussion and a nod from one guy, they all had the same tattoo on their right bicep, very strange, a god rose from their mists. As the two walked back towards me their muscles rippled. Oh my I was... I swooned, I actually swooned, how very gay of me.

"Oy" Emma shouted grabbing my attention "A little Help, I'm in pain here, stop ogling the talent, you're not going to be here long enough" it was hard to hear her accent knowing that she is originally from America and just how much work she would have had to do to lose the Arizona one. I recalled the voice coaching course I went on for the different accents this country has, it was hard work to get my head round the mouth shapes, how the hell she managed to get an accent like the one she has is incredible and pull it off for so long.

I turned back to Emma and the first guy introduced himself to me as I got to the first rock "I'm Paul and this is Seth he's a doctor, he'll have a look at your wife's ankle"

"I'm Ian, this is Emma" then I introduced the girls "Beatrice and Alice, were friends"

There was a flash on Emma's face as she looked down fast after looking at the two guys who'd come to help, she didn't look up, she blushed scarlet and was trying so hard to hold her composure and accent it was obvious to me that her enunciations were more definite than before, what was she hiding? Did she know these guys? Or was she flirting using the damsel in distress method?, I bet that works, typical.

More I didn't know. The younger looking guy looked over Emma's ankle, I swear when he was talking to her he said her other name? Not sure though as they both sound similar and the girls were chatting and crying away making it was hard to hear, he took her pulse but twisted her hand over I swear it was as if he was looking at the dog bite mark on her hand.

Actually now I think about it Emma was really accident prone, what with that dog before I met her, the car accident which was not this Emma's but all the same, the kidnap and the stuff these Vampires did to her and the attack they all suffered, she did seem to attract danger.

The two lads lifted her so easily and carried her off the rocks, The Doctor one said "join our group for something to eat your kids are hungry, they can eat and I can tend her ankle better, when she's off these rocks."

As they walked, I took the kids and had the strong feeling I was missing something big here, they knew each other and were trying to hide it or... my senses were all over the shop, these guys did not feel quite as they seemed, the heat from them was way higher than I expected for a cool sunny day on the beach, and their aura's although clear were darker more animal in tone than most people, I put it down to them being Native American's but I really did not know. Emma's ankle was important now.

I had to turn back to get the girls buckets and spades as they were reluctant to leave them behind, this put distance between us and the three, it felt like it was meant to be as I turned to follow, there was a conversation underway that was not meant for our ears. When they got to the rug it looked like the main chap greeted her as an old friend and to compound this feeling the woman hugged Emma as if she were a long lost friend. She never told me she knew anyone round here, I suddenly felt like an outsider, intruding on more secrets as silent glances crossed from face to face as I got closer.

Emma's foot was bound and raised on a beer crate. It was like I'd walked in on something as the conversation changed when I was within hearing range, formalities were exchanged, and I realised that all the men in the group looked like steroid maxed body builders all but the children and woman looked normal, that was till she turned to greet me, her face was scarred, I had a feeling that the claw marks that made that were bear sized, she was touching Emma's scars as the girls they ran and jumped at their mother knocking her hand away by the force.

Emma introduced us and general hand shaking was had, some muttering under breaths of the Cullen's, someone named Jacob and Edwards name was quite clear at one point but they spoke amongst themselves except when they spoke to the woman and children, considering the noise of the sea it was very quiet.

I had the sense I was missing something the whole time we were sat there, it was not till the woman's husband Sam took the girls after they had eaten a couple of sandwiches and pop, to play with their boys and with a couple of others from the group, then Emma finally turned to me and said, "I'm sorry we are very rude to talk in code and whispers, you know explaining anything from my past is difficult, all they" and she gestured towards the girls "should ever know is that I am Emma and that is my life, if they speak of what we know it may have a bigger effect on all of us" I nodded wondering if these people were part of the vampire sect or something else I did not know, I could not ask either.

But what of these people? "Emily, Sam and the others are friends from when I lived here. I grew up with Jacob when I visited as a child when my folks first divorced and we were close when I lived here before I was taken away" I saw the sadness in her eyes.

"it's getting late and cold, lets go back to the house and the kids can play in the warm" Emily said with a rub of her arms which brought Sam over to rap himself round her, actually without one of these guys sat next to you, you noticed very quickly how cool it was, the heat they produced was nice.

I loved the cottage they lived in, it was off the beaten track and looked out into the forest, many well beaten paths lead from the yard, as we sat on the porch with a beer. Before the kids went off to play a Paul and Sam, pulled borrowed jumpers over their heads, I watched Emma, wince as she watched them winkled their noses as they pulled on the jumpers, she grinned hiding her reaction, as she looked hurt by it, I asked her what was wrong. She shook her head, I knew from experience that I'd not get an answer today.

There were less people at the house as we started to talk, unknown topics such as weddings, birth and searches for her after she was taken all happened while the girls were entertained.

I heard about her failed wedding and the start of her transformation into Emma. The tone to which some of the guys referenced her other family was with distain, others such as Seth seemed endeared by them. Something was going on and I wish I was in on the secret. I had realised by the covert tones that these guys knew her other family were vampires, and as I mulled how to let it known I knew, I noticed that those with more negative tones were sent away or at least they left.

Emma's ankle was wrapped with an ice pack and tended periodically; she looked as uncomfortable with this attention and help as she ever did. People came and went all topless, just teasing my senses, oh to just get my hands on those peck's and abs..

Emma's Mobile rang, I knew it would be someone at the cabin, she was overjoyed "Edward, Where are you?" she said, "you know better than that, where have you been" she answered a question I'd not heard, and by the way she replied she was not pleased with his tone, "I twisted my ankle, Seth sorted it, I'm fine" there was a gap and I could tell she wanted to get away from the group, in fact everyone on the deck but me had vanished.

She went on as I took their lead and walked to the tree house to see what the girls were up to, I heard Emma continue her conversation "no one told me, Carlisle was still in touch and helped him through medical school... No I've not seen Jacob, they have not heard from him either... Yes I'm fine we will be home soon it's getting late anyhow and yes I know they need their tea and a bath, do I presume that Alice and Jasper are back from their trip out?... How else would you know I was here and sound like you always did when I came.." there was a long silence and a change of her tone to a softer sweeter Emma "yes I know and I'm sorry too.. see you soon, Love you" and she hung up.

At the I love you part Paul shook and walked away from the tree house and his girls, Sam asked him to take a moment and to get a grip. None of the kids in the tree house seemed to notice. "Well it seems like I'm about to meet Edward" I said to the girls who seemed happy at the idea.

Emma was carried to the car and placed in gently, while I clipped the girls in the car seats in my car and Emily gave us a doggy bag of cakes. The women kissed and smiled knowingly and I followed the directions Quil gave me. We drove in silence, I don't actually think anything was needed to be said at least not anything I could discuss in front of the girls.

We got back to the cabin to find an Austin Martin outside, the girls chorused "Edward" and were out of their car seats and waiting to get out of the car before I had removed the ignition key, their doors were open and I have no idea how I missed seeing this person pass me, but he had both girls in his arms as they kissed him and hugged telling him of their day at the beach, the look I got sent chills down my spine till I felt Ice cold hands on y shoulder and heard Alice "be nice" shrill at him as she danced past me and took the girls from him, changing the subject with them to supper, I watched her skip off with my god children and went to get Emma from the car, to find she was in the arms of this man, hugs and kisses exchanged in a beautiful aura glow as their essences mixed in the space around them, such warm, such loving colours, having seen this there was no doubt that they are made to be together, I've seen this combining or aura's before but never as intense or as vibrant as this, it made my heart leap for joy.

He carried her effortlessly inside, it looked as if she weighed nothing at all in his arms. He sat with his hands round the bandage while I faffed looking for ice, as Alice fussed over the girls and their meal, dropping hints that it was not necessary, but failing to find any I filled the ice trays and placed them in the freezer to harden.

"here" she said "you feed Alice, I'll run their bath"

I watched my Emma curled up on her man, so in love, they exchanged a brief yet heated discussion and I watched as she hit him, she shook her hand as if hurt and carried on in a whisper of an argument, he said very little at that point, just took her hand and kissed the red knuckles and bowed his head nodding in agreement. Lord knows what he'd done to get her so miffed.. I had to look away, it was not polite to be watching their exchange, the glow of love from both of them was quite over whelming as I was hit by the intensity of the colours at each little kiss he made.

I knew then that my friend and my wards were safe and I'd have nothing to fear from this family.

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Please give feedback,


	29. Imprinting

Twilight characters belong to Stephanie Meyer.

Imprinting...

Ian's POV

I woke to the smells and sounds of cooked breakfast, I dressed and joined the main room, kissed the girls and was offered a seat next to them by Edward who was cooking up the eggs. He did not speak to me directly but was engrossed in in-depth chatter with the girls. My plate was presented at the same time as the girls were placed, I went to get the ketchup from the fridge, to find it now there in front of me, I'd no idea what I'd done to get the silent treatment but this was not comfortable.

Alice was feeding little Alice her egg and soldiers, "Aw Edward give him a break, she twisted her ankle it was not his fault" she said

"It was his hormonal distractions meant she went to the girls and" Edward replied,

"Alice gave them the buckets and spades do you want to blame her or the girls for asking to use them too?" Emma said from her doorway with the effort of moving clearly in her voice.

"Does she ever listen" Edward said looking at me as Emma hung on the door frame as he headed to her.

"Nope" I said assuming he'd asked her to stay in bed? She never does, even when we were students in the same house she would not let me pander her on her birthday, a birthday gift we started when funds were tight.. Nor when I moved in with them for a while after the attack, she'd battle on.

"give it a rest, he is my friend and I will heal" Emma said "it seems to be giving you reason's to pick me up without asking" she continued and a rye smile spread across his face, yes I understood that unspoken discussion, she hates being picked up and carried, but I have to say in Edwards arms her aura screams how much she loves it.

"Alright, I'm Sorry, you know how much I worry" he said. "I'm sorry I was not there"

"Like you could have been?" Emma said "and I did try to get you to join us" she said into his neck, his head bowed and a low murmur of conversation between themselves occurred, there was too much background noise for me to make out all of it. Words such as 'killed you' and 'your crazy' when they raised their voices slightly.

Alice leaned across the table and tapped my plate with the tea spoon she was using to feed Alice, this brought my attention back to the table "he's very protective of her, don't worry, it will be fine by tonight" she smiled at me, feeding another spoon of egg into the open mouth of my ward as she marched her cut toast as if they were real soldiers. I looked back to the couple in the middle of the room, Emma had a mug of tea in her hand now, and when I looked back there was a fresh steaming mug in front of me.

"Spend the day with us" Alice said "the girls would love to show you their den" she added. How can I resist a day with them, I've longed to do this for years, but work and life don't always make it possible. As the girls finished their breakfast and headed to Jasper to put their coats and wellies on so they could play outside.

The door closed and Edward suddenly appeared at the table with Emma, I'd not seen them move nor did I hear them pass me, shivers went down my spine as open examples of what vampires can do were played out in front of me, Jasper's voice to my rear came as a shock but he advised I sit down which I did on command, shock I guess but I felt better as soon as I sat and looked at Emma smile back at me, now with her breakfast in front of her.

"What do you want to do today" she said to me,

Edward answered before I could "I want to take you to our meadow" he looked from me to Emma and continued "if you want that is?"

"What about Ian?" she said

"Oh that's sorted" Alice piped up and at that the girls burst in

"Uncle Ian can we show you our den?" they chorused "Please" begging.

"Right that's sorted then" said Alice handing me my coat.

I left the house wondering how the Emma I knew coped with the dictated ways of her friends.. she normally rejected such, but when Alice spoke no one argued the point, alright I could feel she was right before she said the first word but it was still a weird drama to watch.

I watched Emma and Edward kiss the girls good bye and him put a back pack with food on his back and sweep Emma up into his arms and start to walk into the forest. Seconds later the crunching of twigs was no more. I followed the girls and Alice into the woods, or at least to the edges, Beatrice gave me some woodland rules. "we are not to go past the big tree's unless Uncle Jasper or Auntie Alice are with us."

It was a good den they'd build and while we were sitting in it eating the biscuits they had been given, they told me that their Uncle Emmett had build a tree house back at the family home out here they told me that tomorrow morning they are all heading back home. A strange use of the word home for the house out here, the girls could not tell me where it was located, they did not know but told me that Jasper and Alice will drive us.

When I got back I found my car and the other one gone, it was just the black Merc and the Aston Martin out front when we headed in for a warming drink and a loo stop. I settled the girls down with a hot chocolate and put the telly on now rain had set in. With no sign of Alice or Jasper I sorted something for lunch for us and we had a picnic in front of the telly.

The afternoon rolled by and Alice fell asleep on my lap and Beatrice took herself off to the table with her colouring book and the small box of paints Alice has so obviously left out for her to do. I sat contented with the company, half watching Pocahontas and Beatrice I noticed she was rubbing her head, I'd seen both girls do that in my time and it normally meant their heads were hurting, I extracted myself from the sleeping Alice and headed over to ask if she wanted medicine, she nodded and looked at me, tears in her eyes she was in pain poor lamb, I had just given her a dose when there was a knock at the door.

Through the glass I recognised the doctor from yesterday, he'd come round to see how his patient was doing, but I had to tell him that Emma went off with Edward this morning and they've not got back yet. It was easy not to give details and seeing as my car was not there it was plausible that they went by car and not on foot, although I did wonder how far Edward would be able to carry her as she was still a little saw with her ankle.

As Seth turned to leave, Beatrice fell from the table and started to fit, I'd not seen this before at least not first hand, I was shocked as we both rushed to her, Seth got there first checking her vitals and asking me a whole host of questions I really did not know the answer to, he snapped open his phone and called, there was a brief exchange for words in Quileute and hung up as Alice and Jasper both entered in a blur and replied to the questions I could not, it was all a bit of a daze and I was grateful but also feeling very inadequate at the same time.

The little girl bit her tongue and Jasper vanished. We could do nothing but weight it out, Alice was so apologetic to the fitting Beatrice that she miss calculated not expecting me to give her some medicine which relieved some of the pain from the swelling but also delayed pressure build up that triggers the fits. I watched as she worked fast protecting Beatrice from hurting herself as her arms flayed, if I'm to be correct Alice looks like she'd be crying now if she could the remorse for not being there was etched on her face and in her words. I wondered, can't vampires cry?

Little Alice lay silently asleep on the sofa totally unaware of the situation being played out, it was like I was living in slow motion both Seth and Alice worked so fast, Seth was slightly slower that Alice but all the same both much faster than I could ever have moved. Alice updated Seth on the strange smell about the girls, I never noticed it myself, I heard her recount parts of the attack, the way she spoke was not as if it were recanting, it was as if she was Emma and had experienced firsthand what the bastards...

I watched as a single tear rolled down Seths face as he examined the now still child, she was so floppy and dripping with sweat, Alice's arms pulled the child into her and she cradled the hot child in her arms rocking her as she came round.

I did the best thing I could, I did what Emma does in a crisis and put the kettle on, I could also feel her worry and it was getting closer as the minutes rolled by, I felt several entities with her, indicating it was not just her and Edward at speed. Tea in my hand and one in Seth's re-evaluated the little limp body that was now so much cooler and shivering in Alice's arms. They swapped cradler, ignoring me completely as Alice went to get fresh clothes and changed her, showing off the body of patchwork scars to the doc who asked more questions to which Alice refused to answer, "there were things only Emma should tell" she told him but I knew that the marks did not cause the girls pain or create the fits and Emma finds it very difficult to talk about the marks on the girls, the fact that they get sick like this and will die is over bearing enough.

My frustration at being ignored over took me "how do you think she got them?" I blurted out, both Seth and Alice looked at me, it was as if they'd seen me for the first time, "Ye Hello, I am here"

I was about to go on but Edward came in carrying Emma followed by some of the gods from the Beach, don't they ever wear tops?

Emma hobbled the two feet from Edward to Beatrice and took her from Seth's arms, Edward looked at me and smiled awkwardly, he took Seth's hand and helped him up from the floor, "Thanks" he said "trainings paid off then" he said in a light manor.

He watched Emma cradle and rock the dazed Beatrice and headed in my direction. In a low voice he spoke to me "Thank you and I'm sorry I was rude, I could see what you were thinking and I saw how you feel for her and it" I looked at him sceptically "ye I read minds, didn't Bella tell you?" I shook my head.

"Well I was jealous, there I've said it" he looked at Emma who smiled nodding back at him, I must have been the topic of discussion while they were away. "look I'm glad she found you and I owe you more than my gratitude for being there for her when she needed a friend most, Bella explained and I am grateful, especially at Christmas that first year we found her" I smiled and passed it off as nothing, to me it was nothing but I guess if you've found the love of your life a little push to break that gap is needed I knew how stubborn she is.

Alice brought over a tray of tea, having passed it round the three half dressed hunks that stood to the back of Seth. "is someone going to tell us what's going on, You know who's due back in three days, we need to have something more than what's in our heads seeing as these guys will be gone by then" one of them said.

"Quiet Embry, it's not our place to ask" The large one said

"Sorry B.. Emma it's just..." Embry said

"it's OK.. it's hard to explain and who's back in three days?" Emma said back to him kissing the top of Beatrice's head.

Alice woke up at that point and climbed off the sofa, she's got a straight on off switch I think she sat up and said "Bea had a fit?" then she answered her own questions with "Oh" and came and hugged her mother and sister, she jabbered on about going to hospital when she has them, and asked if Bea was going too? This made Bea scream I don't think she liked that idea, Edward looked at Alice as if waiting for an answer as if she'd know?

Emma's question was lost in the moment as Seth shook his head "no she does not need to go to hospital, not this time" he said checking her over with his eyes, as if he were looking for signs of her next fit.

"GOOD" little Alice said, "the foods horri bbble" she said stumbling quite cutely over the last word.

Jasper came back with a large pile of Pizza Boxes it looked like he was feeding an army, there was more than enough for everyone and then some, the kids ate their Margareta and Emma and I tucked in to the boxes of various varieties that were now open on the table. I managed to get to Emma's side to say I was sorry Bea had her fit, not that it was my fault, but she was feeling just as guilty as both Edward and Alice came over to reassure us that it was no one's fault, it was due to happen and as Alice reconfirmed she'd miss calculated me giving her medicine or she'd have been here, but my actions saved the day.

While we were eating I heard snippets of conversation, everyone seems very relaxed except Brady who was stood to the back of Sam most of the time, he kept looking in my direction, I'd no idea why, except he was just as hot to look at as the others from the tribe in the room, I let my eyes scan the room again feeling my way with my senses, the colours of each person's aura glowing with a friendly hue, I clocked Edward looking at me to Brady and back and a rye smile spread on his face as he leaned into Emma's ear and she looked up at Brady from another bite of pepperoni, she flicked a look at me and nodded, kissed his neck and headed over to me.

Emma pulled me to one side and whispered "someone likes you"

I looked up scanning the room and the aura's, I'd have to be the first to admit I was a little smitten with the hunks in the room but it was hard to tell who from everyone present other than the girls had an aura of desire, Edward, Jasper and Alice aside, the latter two I'd got used to the burn of their passion for each other, if Emma and Edwards combination was bright and intensely rich hues were enough to make you sick then theirs was well.. It screamed lust, passion and a need to find a room.

Nope no one in the room had anything that resembled a liking... at least the Indian guys natural hue was difficult to read as I'd not come across a human with the darkness of well 'animal' colourings before.

"Over there behind Sam" she said "Brady Fuller's got his eye on you"...

That's all she said and she swooped off round my back leaving me facing the lad and yes he was looking in my direction... Oh my he did have the colours of... Oh OK.. I'd pulled... he was younger than me by a fare way but as long as he was of legal age I don't have a problem with that... and I grinned.

One of us had to make the first move, I so hate it being me, I love to watch them walk, gives me time to check them over before I have to make my mind up or not but this felt... yep I needed to make the move before I lost this one... to my surprise in the somewhat crowded room was easy to get through as I got to him it felt like I was missing some secret or other, were my fly's done up? Was I drooling? Could anyone else spot my want for this guy in my trousers?

I hit him with my best 'Come with me' stare and walked out the door, he followed like a pup.. 'good boy' I thought as I heard the door close behind him, he was at my side in an instant and we walked side by side into the forest, not sure if this was a wise move but.. There are things I don't like sharing with strangers..

We passed the first line of trees and stopped, the look in his eyes was of a love sick pup, so cute it drove me insane. Brady lowed his eyes and blushed sheepishly and spoke for the first time, his voice was like music to my ears, "I'm sorry, I've Imprinted on you" he said.

"I've no idea what that means but if I you don't kiss me in the next second I'm going to explode" I my need pounding in every cell of my body. I felt myself pushed into the nearest tree by the strength of this young one, the passion caused through him so much he shook, it was heavenly. When we came up for air we headed further into the forest, not much was said between us but I knew I'd found my soul mate and I wanted him now.

It was dark and late when we emerged from the forest heading back to the cabin, "The children are asleep" my love said to me, "and the others have gone" he continued. My heart lurched to which he stopped us "its OK I don't have to leave you" Phew my brain screamed then he bowed his head "unless you want me too?"

"What after that? Hell no, I have no idea how you knew what I like but DAM, I'm keeping you" I said and promptly found myself up against the side of the cabin lip to lip, hip to hip with him again, Oh I was so much in heaven, he was an animal and I loved him... Hold the presses I do, I LOVE HIM... OMG..

Emma appeared round the side of the cabin "would you two find somewhere else to... well to... Bea has finally gone to sleep and I'd like her to stay that way and your right next to her bed guys..come on.. be fare" Ah she has a point... she looked from Brady to me and back to Brady "you've imprinted?" she said with scepticism and distain in her voice... my love just nodded staring at me as my heart melted. "Wonderful! ... I see what everyone means now... would you both just go away and well.. Congratulations and Ian.. enjoy" she finished and walked back inside.

"What does she mean Imprinted?"I asked the warm god at my side..

"imprinting, its what we do when we find the 'one' for us, we have no control over it" my sweet man said.

"is that a tribal thing?" I said trying not to sound like being too nosy or anything as I flapped my hands in such a gay way, dam I hated it when I fell into these habits when I was with a much younger guy, but the age thing was not really an issue he fitted what I wanted and needed in a guy so much, I was suddenly feeling very cared for and safe, I guess I understand some of Emma's comments when we spoke of her love for Edward.

"No its a Wolf thing" he said..

I just looked at him, Wolves – OMG I just love those creatures, I had posters of them on my wall as kid, I'd get taken to Dudley Zoo weekly to see the pack there. "What do you mean 'wolf' thing my love"

"I guess I should show you, it's easier than saying" he said "By the way I love you" he said and kissed me.

Something was up and I felt panic in me at the way he was behaving, OMG was he going to tell me he was married? "I love you too but..." he put his finger on my lips to silence me, and looked over his shoulder to where Emma and Edward walked up behind me.

"There is something about me you should know" he said walking away from me, I wanted to follow not letting the cool of the air chill me without the heat from him to warm me. Emma took my hand and held me fast, Edwards' arms were around her waist and I could feel the ice cold from them, it made me shiver but I was glad she was there, I needed her support.

"Do you love him?" she asked

"yes – even after such little time, I want no one else" I said

"Good" Edward and Emma chorused together. "Watch"

I looked and watched Brady walk into the scrub at the edge of the forest. I stepped, no I staggered back trying to turn and run as HUGE creature stepped out, Ice cold hands on my shoulders held me fast. I tried to speak but no words left my mouth..

Edward's voice to my ear whispered "No Brady has not been eaten. That is Brady, he's concerned you'd not like him if you saw him as a wolf and wanted to show you before you leave for New York"

"Th Th That's Brady" I stuttered, I swear the creature nodded its head, and I stared as the moonlight eliminated him, the colours of his fur matched that of his hair. I wanted to touch him, stroke him?

"Go ahead he won't hurt you" Edward said and let me go.

"Go on, it's alright, Go" Emma said backing me up.

I hesitated and went forward a few steps and stopped, struggling to move as my head was flooded with panic and fear of this creature, my senses told me that it was Brady as his glow was in the same location as this creature. Edward spoke again "He's scared too" and with that I took my few paces forward wanting to reassure the man who'd just loved me in ways I'd not experienced before at least not as one night stand, this was permanent and as soon as I felt his kiss I was his.

I reached my hand out and the creature took a few tentative steps forward, my hand was lost in fur, the heat pouring of it was immense and yet it was still where I'd have expected to see Brady's glow if he were here, this is so weird. Conversations in my head of introducing Brady to my family 'Hi mom this is Brady he's a werewolf'

"nope just Wolf" Edward said to me as Brady's wolf form and I made eye contact, my heart lurched again yes it was Brady the life and soul in his eyes glinted back at me and I smiled, my fears were gone and I hugged my wolfy love. "we will see you two later then" Edward said as he and Emma turned and went inside, I watched the last of their colourful glow vanish and felt the glow from their orbs in my mind settle, I understand now why they breathe each other in so, the smell of Brady like this was so intoxicating, I thought the scent of his skin was enough but this is so much more...

We headed back into the scrub when Brady changed back, totally nude before he turned to pick up his shorts from the branches, I stopped my love in his tracks and pulled him deeper into the forest, enjoying the living embodiment of my longest running fantasy play out once more.

I woke in the arms of my snoring love, we were curled in a root hole, the bottom of which he'd pulled moss and bracken into so we were not curled on the dam earth, his body heat was amazing, we'd been naked all night and not once had a I woken to reach for the covers like I always do. I stared at the morning sky, our clothes draped over the tree we'd up rooted, well he'd up rooted, but that's a different matter and one I am re-running. Today I have to leave for New York, my heart hurts at the idea of leaving Brady. Who'd have thought me and a guy named Brady add to that that my best friend's man and family are vampires and mine is a huge wolf.

How do you put this in the end of year summary? '_While in Seattle on the concert tour of the year, I bumped into Emma Graham and girls, was introduced to her vampire fiancé, and I fell in love with Brady a human/wolf changeling, we uprooted a tree having great sex deep in the forest' _Perhaps not.

I have to say, Brady's orb of light is burning so brightly in my mind and heart, its sitting in the dark empty space the original Emma in my life used to occupy. I hear her in my head now, she's so pleased I've found love, a bit shocked to find me like this but, hay she's a spirit and the locations I'd pick her up after a night out and the states I walked in on her over the years before her death, somehow I think I'm owed this one.

I try to move but Brady pulls me back into him tighter, how can I leave him, how will our lives pan out if I'm in the UK and he's here? Can a loan wolf live in the UK? I have to be the bigger man here and I kiss him awake "come on hun, we have to get back" I whisper..

He nods and whispers back "five more minutes then I'll run us back, I promise"

I don't actually have much choice, his iron grip tightens and there is nothing I can do. I listen to him breathe and loose myself in his warmth as the morning air is cool around us. After ten minutes I'm impatient to get back and he's up like a shot, he watches me dress and hands me his shorts. "hold these and climb on my back"

"what?" he pulls me to his back and picks me up in a piggy back style and transforms, he waits for me to hold the scruff of his neck and he takes off, its like riding a Shetland pony only so much faster. Within moments we are within sight of the cabins and he stops, I slide off, burry my face in his soft fur not knowing when I'd get back to be consumed by that aroma. I step back and he changes back to his human form, puts his shorts on in double quick time and we walk from the cover of the forest hand in hand.

The last few meters to the door were hard, tension between us was incredible. One last kiss and I watched Brady run off in the direction of the reservation. Pain filled my heart as he vanished out of sight and I headed in.

No one else was up just Alice who was waiting at the kitchen table, grinning from ear to ear "dirty stop out..." she chirped.. "Told you it would be alright" she said smugly

"Ye thanks but now I have to leave"

"That's true but there are two tickets to New York here" she said brandishing the envelope. "and he'll be back before you have to leave. So you'd better get packing wolf boy"

I showered, changed my clothes, and packed, by the time I was done Emma and the girls were up, their bags were by the door and four breakfasts were set out and three bowls were neatly being placed in the dishwasher, I was seeing through the charade now and seeing the sleight of hand and suggestion that all went to camouflage the fact the three vampires don't eat.

I ate my bacon sandwich and kissed Emma and the kids good bye as a car pulled up, "we got you a car to the airport, I hope you don't mind" Emma said kissing me again. "Brady's already inside, he'll explain when you've got some space, but first you need to go and sing your heart out and we will see you back in the UK in a weeks time?" she continued tears rolling down her face "it's been great to see you again and good that you know so much about who I am now, I feel a weight lifted off, and now you're a part of it too, if feels easier now and I don't have to go through the games when you visit. Take Care, Love you" she added and hugged me one more time as I returned the take care and love, I kissed the girls and left to find a limo outside, inside was my man...

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	30. Alone at last

If you have clicked for this to be a fav story, please comment on what it is that's made you make that choice, and thank you for choosing my little tale..

PP

Alone at last.

EPOV

I felt Bella tense a little as Jasper pulled off, the girls waving from the back window, I'm sure I saw her shiver too and I know her heart rate raised and she hitched a breath in pain, but watching the look on her face she was carefree, happy and content as ever, a mask I've come to know when she watched the girls go, only the tears forming in her eyes gave her away as the car pulled out of sight but I've seen that many a time when the children go off without her and I confess to feeling that emotion when I would rather be with them than having to leave for work.

I hate to admit it I also like it when they are gone, I get to enjoy some alone time, just like now.

We didn't have much time left on the hire of the cabin so kissing Bella and carrying her back in for a curl up on the bed is not going to happen, but at least I had the drive home to make up for time I spent sorting myself out, I was so close to really losing her the other day, I've been trying to apologise, discuss and in all honesty make up for it since I got here, there has been no peace.

Our afternoon at the meadow, I hoped to be as magical as when I first shared it with her, when she was just sixteen, but those dam wolves, who on this occasion I am indebted to without them.. It does not bear thinking about. I just wish I had the chance to finish explaining how bad I feel about leaving her with my siblings to face Forks without me, I knew she would find it hard and I wanted to be the one to support her.

Hell I want to know if she still wants to marry me after my stupidity? I can't live without her, not now I have her back.

"Alone at last" I whisper softly to her ear and kiss the top of her forehead as I blur to open the car door so we could get on our way.

I heard her heart miss a beat and felt the heat that radiates from her peak and vanish as she crumpled passing out. What had I done, I caught her easily, scooping her up in my arms. What happened what in her made her pass out like this? I didn't see anything in Alice's visions of the day that indicated...?

"Bella?" I whisper as I held her in my arms "Bella my love?" she did not stir, I did hear and feel her insides roll and groan, just as the children's did before the vomited, instinct kicked in and I rushed to the bathroom and waited, true to my thinking she threw up, she came round enough to move herself unaided and oblivious to my presence as she retched several more times before slumping back against the wall exhausted and shaking with the body shock.

She reached for the glass of water I'd placed by her as her phone started to vibrate in her jean's pocket. Dam thing, she ignored it, but it kept ringing eventually she flicking it across the floor, it spun to a holt as it hit my foot, I spotted Ian's name on the caller ID. I'm not sure what possessed me, but I answered.

Fast and hardly giving me, let alone Bella chance to cut in to speak, my ear was assaulted with his accent and reassuring tone "Emma, you are not alone hun. I'm always here remember that no matter what, remember I promised you" The sound of his words made me jealous, there was such warmth in his words to her, it was like hearing Jacobs thoughts.

From his mind this last few days I saw just how much he cares for her, in spite of his homosexuality and love for Brady, as he spoke I feel ashamed for my treatment of her, the guilt my actions is burning me inside so much the tear that dwells within me is red hot and stinging me uncomfortably. Dam that man, she is mine and it should be me soothing her like this.. I would be if he'd not called.

"Emma, you know he loves you come on kid have faith, he won't leave you either, you have to be strong for the girls remember that don't close down, Please" he continued unaware that he was at my ear and not hers, it was nice to hear him support me, he did not have to but what's this about closing down?

"Ian" I said "What's happening?"

"Edward" he said startled "what happened, is everyone alright, she's a mess? I feel her pain, it feels like she's lost you"

What did I do?... "she just..."

"OK OK? Tell me as much as you can remember from about five minutes ago" he said to me as if I forget every movement or every action she made in our entire existence. "I mean everything" he repeated, with a warning tone in his voice.

"What do you know" I asked feeling frustrated by the knowledge this human had of my Bella, I so wish he were here I could read his mind, being able to reads Bella's would good right now as frustration filled me again as I waited for this human to collect his thoughts and speak as I braced myself for another hard reminder of the years I was missing from her side.

"I felt a massive surge of fear and then nothing, I guessed she passed out I felt so sick to my core. I feel her shutting down and I don't know why, tell me what happened, I don't like feeling this numb and she knows it.."

So she can physically affect him? I like him less now I know of this connection. I pray Aro does not get hold of him, his gift at full strength would be one to be feared, but at least Aro'd leave Alice alone.. Ah! what am I thinking?

I shook off the direction my thoughts were taking me and explained the events as soon as I said 'alone at last' and explained that I kissed her and I went to get the car door, he cut in "Edward, sorry to ask but, there are things she has never told me, there are things from her past that terrify her in ways I've only ever experienced when she sleeps. There is something of that unspoken life in what she is feeling, I can't begin to imagine what it is but I know right now she fears being alone, it was the first thing I felt just, and now I feel something else is brewing, something much deeper more terrifying to her than being alone and I do not know what it is but its freaking the hell out of me"

As I listened I realised Bella had kept the secret of our existence, I was dumb struck for a moment buy her inner strength at not telling a soul about her past. I pulled memories of our past, of her first promise to me when I saved her from the truck, and when she met Rosalie for the first time, I pulled our recent conversations to find what could trigger such emotions from her, Jasper has not said anything when she has nightmares at home, nor have I seen any in his mind.

Ian's voice brought me back from the back catalogue momentarily "By the silence I guess you don't know either" more exasperated now he said "Look, it may be a long shot but going on my ice cold headache I wonder where did you kissed her ?"

"Her forehead!" I said confused by his question

"I don't mean to pry, But did some kind of stressful departure or separation happen other than on your wedding day all those years ago" he asked apologetically

I went to say no, not thinking further back than that day, when he came back to me as he frustratedley bellowed "This is important" I could hear Brady's heart beat in the back ground and him calming Ian with a soft shh! which made me smile at their companionship and love.. I put that aside as Bella was my heartbeat of calm as Ian continued "what I felt was like a memory, I have no idea what it is but it makes me feel really sick." He said as he continued probing me for information "It felt like the world ended and nothing was the same for so many months, I feels like my heart was ripped out the pain I got was excruciating just before she passed out, the last push of feeling I had from her was the sudden absence of all that was... I can't really explain what it was but for a split second there was no..."

As he spoke my head franticly searched all the corners and recesses again, the only time I felt like that was when I left her for her own good... I kissed her good bye... Dam I said the same words and I kissed her, right where the scent of her hair and skin mix to the most heady of intensities, right over one of the panic points a human has, I filled my nostrils with her for what was to be my last time.. Dam...

Ian completed his sentence at the same time I made the connection "YOU"

Oh My for the love of all that's... She flashed back to?

Panic in my voice "how can I ... She knows she won't be alone so what's" I'm stuttering as my body goes ice cold inside and the tear burning heavier and hotter than I thought possible at the recognition of what's been said.

"Edward, is she shaking? From her I feel I want to be held tight, Dam it Please just make sure she feels you'll not leave, I know she is terrified she will be alone after the girls are gone. I know she regrets her choice not to try to save them, but I can't work out the guilt and the fear, I don't mean to pry into your relationship, but I've seen how she is when she's with you and how highly she talks of you. Her aura glows like I've never seen before she needs you, you're her key"

I am the key, again with the key... I know Bella is strong when she is with the children, Esme warned me of her moments of doubt in the first few days of them finding her and of her fear of being found by the Volturi. Oh my, Bella how can I leave you, it would kill me to have to do so, "my love, my life" I whispered into her hair as I pulled her limp body into me and up to cradle and rocked her "I won't leave you, I promised you and I make that vow again, never Bella please understand I need you too" I reaffirmed.

I did need Bella and I need her in ways I'm afraid to say, the idea of being without her is to me no reason to exist at all, I've felt this since I realised I loved her, I guess I'm not all that good at making her see what I feel. "Oh Bella, I'm here" I whispered so quiet I'm not sure her human ears could or would hear me.

I felt Bella's fingers grip my shoulders and close round my shirt in a way she's done so many times, only this time it felt like she needed me to protect her, like when Little Alice curls on my knee after a nightmare.

"Don't leave me" she hardly said at all with a horsey whisper. The words echoed within the pain that I feel. I knew what I did at my cabin was the wrong reaction but how can I achieve keeping her safe and alive when it was my monstrous side at the fore? For me I so wanted her near, to watch her leave was as gut wrenching as walking away from her, I guess on human terms I had left her, I wish I could read her mind I would give her all she needs and I would know when to reassure her of the truth.

"Never" I whispered back "I'm sorry I made you leave with Jasper and Alice, I'm sorry I made you feel like I was leaving you again just now. Bella in so many ways I've failed you" if I could cry I would have "I don't know how to make it up or how to stop failing you"

"Don't leave me" she came back pulling herself into me so tight the tear in my chest was vibrating comfortably again, she was back with me.

She always knew we could not be separated for any length of time, I just have to work out how to keep her safe, and hope her shield will stop me if my monster gets the better of me like that ever again, I need to make her aware of this but now is not the time, we have to leave for Yellowstone and the time alone together was what I was wanting before she miss read my intentions, I will have to be careful what I say the closer to the time gets to when the girls leave us.

"Come on love, let's leave and get on the road, we can talk, we have a couple of days ahead of us" I set her on her feet and let her freshen up before returning the key to the attendant, and at last we were on our way home, Bella stayed quiet as the color slowly came back to her as she stared out the window as I sped us away.

I had to hold her hand there was nothing for it, I shared the pain she felt and contact was all I wanted, it settled her heat rate too which was a comfort to me, I could drive with her in my arms and be safe but it would not go down well with her. Right now I'd rather be lost with her lain on a bed where I can feel more of her next to me reassuring me of her presence. She can stand for long, even if I do take her weight she finds it uncomfortable for any length of time these days. I don't mind I love her too much to care whether I'm stood or prone.

My bed and My Bella with me was all that was in my head, interspersed with a few longings of the carnal variety as I drove us from forks and home, oh what a great word home. So we have a lot to talk about, I'd no idea just how much Bella was bottling up, this fear of being alone was one of mine, we cannot be apart she was so right when she aired this all those years ago after James.. Oh I don't want that image in my head right now, it makes me 'sick' at another reminder of how much danger I put her in.

"Bella" I said out of the blue as we crossed the Hood Canal and the end of the 104, bringing her out of her trance as she caught glimpse of Squamish Harbour and the body of water beyond from her window.

"Mmm" she merely said as I watched her re-engage with the road ahead, I mused at her typical and now predictable glance at the speedometer, the road followed by the view out of her window and back to the speedometer before staring at my eyes, I knew without reading her mind now she was calculating my ability to control the car at the 177kph I was going slow now for the bend ahead, she glanced to the rear of the car checking for the children, it makes me smile how her human mind requires conformation that they are not with us. She coughed, glance back to the road saying nothing more than "what" as she stretched herself out as she covers her stealthily checks as if I were a human.

"Are you alright love?" I checked. She nodded resting her head on my shoulder a move she'd got used to doing or should I say she's got more comfortable with when I drive. I love having her close but something she said a while back while she was drifting in and out of sleep, it repeated something she said a few nights back and it was eating away at my memories as I tried to work out what she was referencing.

"Bella love, you spoke in your sleep"

"oh! Sorry what did I say this time, have I been wittering on about.. him"

"No love not Jacob this time, and you know you don't have to apologise he was a friend of yours. No my love you were mumbling about being an outsider, would you explain please?"

"Oh" She said, as she stared back out of the window,

"Bella please" She replied to my plea saying my name in a way that normally means she does not want to, or she's protecting me from her thoughts.

"Bella" I replied, desperately trying to get her to open up as I'd seen her face when she said the words in her sleep, I know her every expression after so many of her conversations. I love her slumber vocalisations, the one worded ones or a whole sentences, even the shopping list or her to do list interspersed with items the kids need for school and nursery, the best were when she was stressed and had a bad day, her expletives punctuated the general calm of her the lists. Most of all I crave the nights she dreams of me, I love her so much even when it hurts to hear her inner thoughts and snippets of memory from her all too painful past.

"not that Edward, just"

"Bella" I leaned over kissed her forehead "the truth please, Ian's told me what you were feeling and I'm sorry I gave the impression I was leaving but really Bella, something else is going on in your head... " I knew I was right as her heart rate and body temp when up slightly, who needs a lie detector when you're a vampire.

"Bella" I said in that way that she hates, when I turn on more of the charm that melts her into submission _sometimes._

Silence continued from my love as I drove us down the 3 and through Breidablick, I knew she was thinking, all her vitals were screaming her inner conflict and the slight flicks of her hands and fingers I knew she was mulling over what to say or her emotions.

Patience was the key, she would crack and tell me, I had faith in that. Alright I concede with Bella its normally a little longer and normally takes some additional dulling of her senses, in frustration at her extended silence I've been breathing out heavily knowing just how my scent affects her if given time and the confines of the car.

As I crossed the intersection at the head of Liberty Bay she's stirred, just outside Silverdale she made all the signs that she was about to speak her thoughts, my nerves kicked in as she fidgeted in her seat, her heart rate raised for the 8th time to a level that for four beats was noticeably loud and high, a vampire in a car behind should have heard it.

"Alright. But don't be mad at me please.." I nodded "it's just...I don't ... Look Edward, you know how you hate it when I'm silent and keep my thoughts to myself, well I kind of feel that I am out of the loop in so many ways, I know I can't hear, see or sense all the things everyone else does but I feel I'm not always valued or at least, you all keep information from me"

I didn't understand her comment at first "Explain please Bella"

"Oh this is hard without sounding.. sour but.."

"its alright.. go on" I assured her

"There are things about my past, I've forgotten or lost, I remember a lot just not very clearly, do you understand? It's just I know you remember everything with such clarity like it was yesterday well I don't." Her voice stated to shake as I nodded "when I was sick, back there it was because a memory was triggered, I was upset that the girls were going off with Alice and Jasper again, but don't get me wrong I was looking forward to this time too.. Then you kissed me and saying the same words you did when you left me and I don't know why but i was suddenly back then, in the woods with you when I looked you were gone, it was like I was reliving that memory."

"Bella, Love I went to the car" I said reassuringly as I pulled over again and stopped the car. She opened her door, I wish she'd wait for me sometimes, but I was by her side before she stood, blurring to her side my need to.. well just to be with her was great.

I rubbed her shoulders and held her close as she continued into my chest, the feel of her so overwhelmingly real after my regrets of earlier and not being there for her. "too many things Edward, Too many, and I will always be alone.." she mumbled with hardly any sound into my chest.

I pulled her back from me to see her blue tear filled eyes, their color once again shocking me when I expected to see brown, the color shone like sapphires when her eyes were bloodshot like this "Bella you won't be alone we won't..."

She placed her finger to my mouth and shook her head "No Edward, you left me back there when you went to bite, you can't bite me look" she ran her finger over my lips and in spite of my protest she found my teeth with them "open up Edward" she asked how can I obey when I know what will happen I shook my head making sure her fingers slid as I moved "Edward open up, trust me"

I relaxed my jaw as her bewitching ability took hold as I lost myself in her eyes, dam she was as good a sending me to jelly as she proclaims I am, I opened my mouth and instantly felt her hand move, I grabbed her wrist to find I could not, feeling the tingling I now felt in my mouth mirrored when I tried to take hold of her, something rubbed against my teeth but I felt and tasted no blood. "see, my shield" she took my hand which broke the shields effect so I could feel the force to which she was rubbing my teeth.. Nothing no blood no cuts, she was protecting herself.

" No I'm not deliberately shielding, you know how much I want to be changed, but to test it, to prove its not me you're going to have to do this when I'm asleep. Edward my shield won't let you bite me, I have no idea how I can stop it.. I'll die old"

I went to say something about her dying old but she twisted her hand in my mouth so I had a mouth full of our hands and could not without greater force of fear of hurting her speak.

"if something happens, for example when you have visitors from others of your kind, you don't tell me I am occupied elsewhere with an ad hock shopping trip or some such distraction, why can't you tell me that I'm needed to leave for a while? I feel like I'm one of the kids who should not know what's really happening. I'm an adult and if you want to marry me and keep me I'd rather be your equal in spite of our differences. There are things you can't do that I can and vice versa, you know this and you know how I felt about being wrapped up in cotton wool before I was taken!"

I agreed with her and after putting her mind at rest, promising to make an effort to include her in what's happening, knowing that my family have already been putting plans in place to keep her safe and close by as to sending her away but now I can see how some of the items Jasper was ordering will help her with that.

We got in the car and continued our drive, I passed her the lunch packet Alice had put together as her belly was making those cute hungry sounds. It was a box of healthy loud options, I mean Alice knows the confines of a car and the smell of meat is not great but salad leaves make one hell of a crunch and those cherry tomatoes, the pop and sound as she bursts them is just like a femoral artery in a bear when you take a bite of the leg. Its making me thirsty, not something I could do with right now.

I pulled over just after the last bridge before we head into Seattle's suburbs, a quiet spot before we hit the more populated areas. not so I could concentrate on her and what shew as saying as I can so both so easily, no I needed to give my thirst a break and I saw in the trees a herd of deer, one look at Bella and she knew, my eyes from the last glance in the rear view mirror were black like coal.

"Hungry?" she quizzed smiling at me, I raised my eye brows. "it's the tomatoes again isn't it?" we shared our first private joke in a week, she bit into another of the dam red fruits and I swallowed back another mouthful of venom, for her to dab the side of my mouth where excess venom leaked free with her napkin as she does at home when she's teasing me.

"5 minutes I'll be back, eat those" I said as I pointed to the rest of the devil fruits flicking them out from under the shredded cabbage and lettuce combination in the box on her lap. "or do you want to come with? Either way your eating those before we get back on the road, you have no idea how..." I smiled back at her as she popped another.

"Yes I think I do, if I up the temperature of the content I think I have a pretty good idea, go on go, I'll stay here thanks it looks wet out I don't want to get muddy"

I smiled, kissed her luscious lips and left her for the herd. I'd rather be giving her my fullest attention but we both know I can't do that when I'm this thirsty, it felt good to have a strain free conversation, I smiled as I vanished past the tree line hearing her crank the radio up on a song she knows. I should not be this thirsty but for some reason when Bella eats those things it.. sends shock waves through me, no other human eating those things has the same effect.

As I hunted I recalled other foods that make me thirsty, red Jams are one but I don't get thirsty I get incredibly turned on when she has toast and jam, the preserve juice catching her lips and sitting there till she runs her tongue over to remove it, now the children eating the same has no effect what so ever. It's just my Bella and one of the zillion tiny details I've loved, lusted after and can watch her do for hours, soul satisfaction as I felt the pop of the deer's artery fill my mouth with a sudden gush of hot liquid which soothed the burn in my throat.

I picked up the second deer I'd knocked out as I headed back to the car, I drank my fill and discarded the body in the path of a wild cat, it would finish it off by the end of the day. I exited the tree line to find Bella dusting crumbs off herself, she'd found the cake then.

"I could do with a human moment" she said as I approached far too far off for a human to have heard, I know she was going to ask this and had already cleared the brambles from the base of a suitable tree, I ghosted to her side, kissed her and carried her back, set her on her feet as she blushed beautifully, "see you in a minute then" she said as we replayed our well played out routine, I ghosted off to just with in hearing range and hummed while watching and listening out for any intruder to her private moment, hearing her zipper and pants pull down, I was filled with warmth that she was now comfortable, I was back by her side as she finished zipping her fly. Not that I'd tell her but she needs to drink more her urine is strong and I can taste on the air the change in its make up indicating she is more than just a bit stressed.

"Better" I ask as I stop by the car and she climbs down,

"Yes, thank you and you" I take her in my arms and hold her tight.

"Much, but there is still something bothering you" her expression told me I was right.

"I don't know what it is, can we get going please"

I mulled over my thoughts and our conversation while Bella leaned into me now and the afternoon rolled by. She was right, if I did want her to be my wife she needed to be as much a part of me as I am her and I've not shared as much of me as I know I make her do, there is very little of her daily routine that is secret from me, I've learned to read her body when I can't read her mind, she can't keep much behind a closed door even her bathroom activities are by the nature of what I am impossible for me or my family not to know. And I do withhold information, she tries and struggles to read my actions, there are things about vampires that only a vampire should know, I need to address this, she wants to be one of us, she should know, just as I told her about my rebellious days before we were married, I wanted her to know the bad side of me.

At the same time I have been trying to improve my inclusion. She does not screw her face up when she hears Emmett describing his hunts, so why can't I?

Cradling her to me I said. " I am sorry" I buried my head in her hair for as long as I could, knowing my coldness was penetrating her. Her hand worked free from mine and was smoothing my face as her fingers ran down my cheek and neck, you have no idea how relaxing and... oh my... I should not be losing myself in her touch like this; I can sense the change in her body as I breathe her in, she is at least relaxing properly.

Three minutes I immersed myself before I had to pull away, partly as there was a police patrol ahead and I was in danger of making us late for our table reservation. One of our underground acquaintances owns a restaurant with private dining rooms, seeing as we have not paid him a visit in a few years it seems only right to drop by and find out how our businesses are doing and collect some of the return. As good and as upright American citizens as we are, to stay hidden we need to engage in underground dealings from time to time, this is a side of us I'm not sure Bella would approve of even though we do not profit from crime directly.. Jasper is so much better at explain this side of things than I am. Right now I need to find out why one of our more lucrative buildings was burned down and collect the insurance payout.

Bella ate well, the meal was better than any I could rustle up, our host excelled himself, music, candles and most important privacy there was even a goblet of 0- for me while he sorted the payments and documents we ordered.

It was like normality, as normal as you can have when one of the pair does not eat, being in this setting does take the pressure off, it means I can romance my love, I got my answer on the wedding as we relaxed back on the chaise in the dining room, curled up with Bella and her wine, while I sipped at my goblet, knowing she was alright with the scent of the blood, it no longer making her ill and pass out as it once did. I reminded her of the blood typing day and confessed I believe for the first time how scared I was that day when I took her to the school nurse.

I exploited our hosts hospitality, being still with Bella in a place that in spite of its hostile location was comfortable, I was the most dangerous person in the place, even the gangsters with their rather pathetic pistols could not do a thing against a single vampire and they were friendly so to speak.

I would have to explain to Bella our business connections some day but like this she may be aware.

Bella was nodding off in my arms, Mr Jenks knocked, bustled in, mopping his brow nervously handing over the vanilla envelope, I checked it at vamp speed which made Jenks sweat and his ulcer twinge, I nodded and removed the cost of the papers from the bundle of Benjamin's he'd just handed me, Bella barely noticed she was so tired. I scooped her up and carried her to the car which was now waiting at the back door.

I felt uncomfortable not having her as close to me now I was driving so headed to a hotel, I was going to drive through the night but Bella really needs a proper bed and I, I get to feel her next to me..

How I love and will never grow tired of watching my Bella asleep, so peaceful, so beautiful, her lullaby fits her perfectly even now after all the changes I see in her. I hummed it as I played with her hair, feeling it run over and through my fingers, she flinched a couple of times, reaching for me and gripping my shirt, her eyes flitting about fast beneath her eye lids, she was dreaming of something worrying I wish I could see her mind to know what's troubling her.

Humming was working to sooth her but not completely. At three am she suddenly sat on the edge of the bed, crying and speaking to me as if I were at the wall and not next to her, she rose and stood with her head against the wall as if holding it, well more holding me, her words of love were heart rendering but also tinged with sadness. I know better to interfere with her when she's sleep walking, so waited it out, eventually she climbed back into bed and curled up on the edge, her sobs stopped and sleep returned and she slept right through till six am when I woke her so we could breakfast and get on the road. I watched Bella for signs of last night's dream but there were none, even referencing her sitting up had no effect on her. I needed to have faith that she would open up to me when she was ready.


	31. Somethings A Foot

To those still reading this, thank you for sticking with me.

I'd still like to know what's got you to be still reading, comments are really nice and very encouraging.

* * *

The pair are back at Yellowstone now and well Esme spots something...

Esme POV

I watched Bella and Edward walk to the house in silence, I know them both enough to know, something was troubling them I wish I knew what happened while they were away, I feel uneasy with what I saw, I hoped their relationship was holding, I wondered what the unspoken worries that were etched on their faces were.

My mind was filled with questions and I knew Edward heard them as he glanced upwards as they passed, his voice for my ears only. "In that sense we are fine Esme, all is well. But your right something is troubling Bella and I wish I knew too, I don't like her nightmares"

"Bad ones again?" I thought back to him as my head flashed with one we have been present at. My son nodded as he kissed Bella's head as they climbed the steps to the door, and I called out "Welcome Home" shaking off the discussion and concerns as I floated to their side to kiss my daughter and hold her close. Being this close to Bella I saw just how deep in thought she was, her eyes were deep in their sockets and she had that ten yard stare humans often wore.

She didn't drink all her tea either which is unusual for such a drinker of the leaves. She played with the mug staring in to the rings and patens of light on the grey surface. "Is something wrong Bella" I asked as Edward fetched the bags and took them direct to their room. Ghosting to a halt staring me out with his face screaming concern and at vampire volume 'good luck, she needs time' he was right time always helped with Bella she would speak when she was ready.

She looked up as her human eyes focused on his now stationary form by the door to the laundry room. "Edward I can do that" she said staring at the laundry bundle in his arms.

"it's alright love you have a lot on your mind, I'll do it" he said smiling a smile that melted my heart let alone hers, he cares for her so much it brings a tear to my eye. Metaphorically speaking of course and the sound that tear drop of hers makes in his heart is beautiful when its singing a happy tune which it is not doing right now, its heavy with Edwards concerns. "Would you like to go for a walk after supper" he asked as he came back to the kitchen. He nodded encouragingly at her, her comment of 'We'll see' seemed to drip with the weight and effort of her thoughts.

I chipped in, I can't help it she's been stuck in that car for the last 12 hours and I'd like a walk after that and I don't need to exercise quite as much. "go ahead dear, take a stroll before bed. Now clear off you two, dinner will be ready in an hour" I added as human as you like.

Carlisle joined me in the kitchen as Edward whisked Bella off into the tree's somewhere quiet and away from the house. "I'm worried about Bella" I told him as he passed me the vegetables from the fridge.

"She'll never eat all that Musaka, Esme and the kids don't like vegetable dishes as it is" he commented as he calculated the quantities.

"I know love, I'll take it to the shelter later, I'm just so worried about her, she is so deep in thought, cooking makes me feel useful, you know she's not masking it at all well, she's not fooling anyone certainly not me" I said as I sliced the Eggplant and salted it.

"she'll talk when she's ready, I heard your conversation and watched them leave, your right something heavy is playing on her mind and I have a bad feeling about it, Alice called to warn me if tonight's nightmare, she suggest that we spend the evening on the deck below their window." That sounded like an invasion of privacy too far for this house and my liking but Alice knows better than to suggest something like this unless there is a valid reason.

Carlisle and I left Bella and Edward to dine, Bella ate very little, but before too many trees obscured my view I saw Edward force feed a few more fork full's I guess by the look on her face he found more of the mushrooms she likes so much, their laughter was beautiful but pain filled. A hearty slice of my Apple Pie was gone as was the custard I'd learned how to make. Carlisle and I returned and did as instructed and stay on the deck below their open window. Edward answered our thoughts as we all tuned into Bella's breathing and heart rate which when high she'd wake herself a little with a snore and a moan. She smacked her lips a few times and mumbled that she was thirsty.

But sleep talking was something she did and we all were used to, she took a drink to bed with her and would often wake enough to drink and go back to sleep, when we have guests its quite amusing to watch their reaction to her doing this. Not wanting to poke fun at the girl but it is one of Emmett's party tricks he will deliberately turn up the heat in their room so she dehydrates faster just for the effect and shock on our guests faces. I mean to know you're in a house with three sleeping humans is one thing but to hear one stand up walk to the table, drink place the cup down and go back to bed everyone freezes in fear that she had been woken by the noise.

There are very few noises that wake Bella, the sound of her children, quietly moaning or crying and Edward as he pulls the covers over himself all seem to bring her back to an awakened state. But tonight not even the owls were affecting her sleep. Edward was answering our thoughts, as he went to the kitchen to refill Bella's glass and that's when it happened.

She was out of bed screaming for Edward and she ran straight at the open window, both Carlisle and I realised that from his location no matter which route he took Edward would not get to her before she fell, she'd not hit the ground I knew that for certain but the effect the different forces of her falling and Edward ghosting to catch her would leave her with broken bones and whiplash. We jumped up to the window, using our arms to cradle and push her sleeping body back to upright as she toppled forward as we stopped her, she didn't leave the window but by the look on her face this was not a suicide attempt, she was dreaming, she swore at Carlisle and I as we barred her way from Edward who had appeared behind us at the ledge, her eyes focused and fixed on him, as she sobbed in her sleep that she'd let him all down, that she can't live like this, which scared all three of us, what could she not live with?

Before she moved stiffly back to bed, as reached out towards Edward and went to stroke him, but she restrained herself it was not us stopping her from making contact with him, she whispered her confession of love, and how she wanted his touch, which made me feel uncomfortable to be restraining her like this. Edward replied sending his voice echoing gently off the walls as it shook with his emotions high, a skill vampires have primarily designed to confuse and disorientate our pray, but used to night to send a message to her subconscious self that bed is needed, it's a trick to making her hear him when she's dreaming like this.

She settled into Edward like her life depended on it, this moment of their private lives was endearing to watch but was we were intruding and here we have rules as she undulated her way closer to Edward pinning him to her in a way I knew by the look on his face that he was struggling with, I wish he'd give up his moralistic values, Emmett is right he'd be much happier and I'm with Bella he won't hurt her, he's too aware of her to let go and lose control.

Seeing Bella that close to Edward had an effect on my husband, I knew from the way Carlisle took my hand and looked into my eyes, so much said in one look, we left them, heading off to the woods to express our passion away from Edward's mind and ears, he was hurting badly from Bella's dream and did not need to be teased by our presence more tonight. He won't be far from her now for the rest of her slumber.

Breakfast and there was no sign from Bella that she had any idea what happened overnight. The only sign of anything were a couple faint bruises where she hit out at Carlisle and myself as we caught her and created a barrier to the window, she pulled her sleeves down and apologised to Edward for hitting him in her sleep, she hits out at him occasionally when she's dreaming of Voltari.

The children arrive home today and I was already baking cakes and had stripped beds, Wednesday is beds day in the house, borrowed from Bella's routine, I'd done everyone's except Bella and Edwards and the children's.

Bella had taken their clean bedding upstairs just as a car pulled into the driveway, great, Carlisle and Edward had gone off to the hospital for a "chat" as they put it and Carlisle needed some help with something or other, Its close to our wedding anniversary and he always gets cagey, so I can't complain our day is always perfect, I also know Edward wants' to research options for the girls, knowing that Bella has expressed a regret in that direction, we have money to our disposal and the best surgeons in the world if needs be, there is nothing my son would not do for his love or his children, he has become a great adoptive Father to them.

My mind flooded with memories, of the hundreds of gifts Carlisle brought me, jewellery, houses, even an island once, such a tranquil and beautiful place I gifted it, all those years ago to Edward and Bella as a honeymoon present, I think I will do it again when they marry this time, it will work its magic on them perfectly I think.

Mrs Jessop, from the church refuge how badly timed can you get, I've got cupcakes to decorate and a bedroom to de-dust, well de-dust to my standard at least, Bella's up there now cleaning, she's fluffing the cuddly toys, she's bound to.. well... "Ah Mrs Jessop" I say as I open the door to her in my apron trying to look rushed off my feet, mid baking and human all at once "how nice to see you, what can I do for you this fine fresh and sunny Wednesday morning" I hope she'd get the message and leave.

"Mrs Cullen, I'm so glad you're in, I'm bringing your platters back, the concert Monday night was a great success, we raised $2,000 and you my dear have been mentioned in the paper, your aria and your drop scones were simply divine" she waved the paper in my face and there I was pictured with the other ladies of the choir.

I could hear Bella giggle and the sound of plates stacking, she's found another of their hiding places, I had to admit I knew they were there, I just didn't want to remove the reminders of the silly ways, it's not like we need all ten side plates, three or four hiding about the house makes me feel Human.

In spite of the scent of decaying crumbs they brought a smile and frown to my face when I walked past the room, I missed those angels. "oh let me help you with those" I said to Mrs Jessop as she struggled with the first of a couple of arm full's of platters bringing me from my guilty secret as I heard Bella question my actions under her breath.

"how do you have such a collection of these things" Mrs Jessop remarked as she nodded her head in the direction of the kitchen "this way is it?" she added in case I didn't see.

"The joys of a large family" I replied as Bella headed downstairs.

"Yes, Yes" Mrs Jessop said "how may do you have, your such a sweetie to give your home to so many, unfortunates"

"Oh! just five for now" I replied, she looked about my immaculate kitchen with the cupcakes on the side, I didn't need to hear her thoughts to know she was wondering how I kept the house so.. When her four boys run her into the ground.

"Heroic" she said as she juggled the bowls and serving utensils to the work counter, in all honesty I got to collecting these when I cooked for the homeless back in Forks, other items were added when we were accommodating Bella who, so well timed has placed the plates in the kitchen, she's wearing sweat pants and a short top, as she leaned over to place the plates in the dishwasher Mrs Jessop gasped as she entered with a new handful of dishes saw Bella's scarred Back.

"Hello" I heard Bella say as she took the top plates from Mrs Jessop "let me help with that"

"Bella this is Mrs Jessop from choir" I said introducing them, a flurry of etiquette passed between them and Bella put the kettle on and made tea for all of us. Bella made English tea which did not go down too well with Mrs Jessop who prefers her tea black.

"What happened to her" she whispered conspiratorially as Bella placed a few of the used baking items in the dishwasher. I knew Bella heard, or at least was aware of the whispered conversation, to the less than human eye her body movement and the way her ear flinched were missed unless you see things as we do, Bella was listening as she moved away from the noisy kettle to tune into the conversation. "is she one of your..." she added

"Oh no Bella is my.. Sister", I said knowing that if I said she was Edward Fiancé, if they came back, today he looks more 17 than 40. She blinked and looked at Bella and back to me, "long story she's here on vacation with her children" to whom I was glad they were not here as they call me Nana.

"Bella" I said addressing her as she closed the dishwasher door, "Mrs Jessop wants to know about your back?" I knew this would embarrass Mrs Jessop and show her as the gossip queen of the soprano line that she is but... I know Bella would say what she wanted to about the scars, she has a way of seeing what people want to know or the reason for asking.

Bella looked at Mrs Jessop and back to me, before she started, "My back.. Oh My Scars" she said surprised as if she forgot they were there, which most of us had, it was part of who she was, just like Jaspers bite marks on his arms are no longer a talking point for the children, they do run their fingers over the ones they can see at his wrists when they are curled on him sleepily.

Instantly Mrs Jessop replied embarrassed "Oh I didn't mean to pry" she said her voice dripping with the need to know more.

"My Husband and I were attacked in our home some years ago now, and I was left like this." She said as she gathered up the empty tea things.

"How dreadful, did they get the intruders?" she asked, Bella nodded not giving more away than she wanted to "I hope in spite of your injuries your both alright now?"

What a woman, digging for dirt at every opportunity. "they shot him and they are both behind bars, the children still have nightmares when they see strangers so we tend to keep too ourselves" changing the subject, grabbing the paper she points to the picture and starts asking about the concert.

Mrs Jessop finally left armed with a Victoria sponge recipe straight from Bella's WI cook book. Anything British that woman goes crazy for, she left us in peace to continue our chores, it was taking longer as Bella was doing it and we had the interruption but in the time it took me to re-make three double beds, Bella had made hers and Edwards and was just starting little Alice's as she gazed out the window at the tree house and paddock with the pony's in, which from the children's window was in full view.

"Penny for your thoughts" I asked as she rocked gently with the pillow. She glanced round at me, a single Chrystal tear clinging to her eye lashes, "Bella what is it" I asked as I handed her a cleanex.

Without taking her eyes from the window she asked with some difficulty and thought to her words "have you ever made a decision only to regret it later?" she turned and winced a smile at me and then put the pillow on the bed, sitting down and smoothing it with her hand as if Alice were lain there.

"a few times my dear but what do you regret?" I asked unsure knowing Bella can be looking at one thing and thinking of something different.

"I don't know, I've got lots going on in my mind at the moment and I don't know what to do but I made choices all based on being alone, everything's changed now and I wonder if I am too late to change my mind, or make a difference"

She was not making sense, it seemed she was talking about the children but also about something else, my gut screamed that this may have something to do with her dreams. "Bella what is it?"

"The girls, I don't know what you want to do, living in England is not compatible with Edwards needs, he's thirsty a lot as he's not getting enough to eat, I don't know what to do with the children, I want to do something but I don't know how to prolong their lives or give everyone what they want"

I wrapped my arms around Bella "Bella you don't have to please everyone, you need to do what's best for you"

"That's just the problem, Esme. I don't know what I want, if I try to keep them it has wider implications on you guys and I can't be turned and risk killing them or them seeing mum as a newborn, what of their human family how do we get away from them, I want to close the door on that part of my life and walk away. With the children I can't deny them their family. And I can't ask you to sacrifices to accommodate them, England is not good for Edward and I don't want to be there anymore."

"Oh child, I see your confusion and concern but you should not think about us, if you want to save your children we will support and help you, sacrificing our way of life to have those angels in our lives is one we are all willing to make, and we will face the future together and not let you harm them" I said "Come on lets finish in here and get those cakes decorated before they arrive home"

Bella nodded and said "You know, I based my thinking on giving them as normal a life as possible, I wondered if I could cope if they were disabled, just to keep them with me longer is that bad of me?"

Fresh tears flowed from her and she buried herself in the scent of the girls bedding.

"Would you like to speak to Carlisle about this?" I asked as I put all the cuddly toys back in their places finding the fifth plate, kicked to the back under Beatrice's bed.

She nodded, and we went to the kitchen to get started, I love decorating cupcakes, Bella and I spoke of many things, but something was still bothering her, I wish she'd unlock herself and tell me, she has nothing to fear.

Eventually as we were clearing away she finally asked the question that was on her mind "I won't remember them like you all will, my human memories will fade and images and sounds I'm saving won't be there. I feel retched for my human inability, I am afraid to lose my memories of them, I don't know what to do, do I sacrifice myself again for the bigger picture and I don't know if I can, is it selfish to want so much? I want them and I want ... I want to be me again, I am stuck in the middle and I don't know what to do"

I could not tell her what Edward was doing, it felt wrong as well as right, he was going against her wishes in what he was doing today, but at the same time he was doing as she needed him to, he would have some of the answers when he got back. "I need to speak to Carlisle" she said suddenly getting a grip of herself and making haste to finish placing fresh pyjama's on the beds.

"yes you do, you both do" I agreed.

We finished our chores in relative silence, Bella had found a porpoise and was moving about the house at some speed, her mind was fixed with thoughts and her face contorted and twisted as she fought her emotions, there was something bigger in her than this small issue, there was more eating away at her insides somewhere, she has only voiced surface issues there is something smouldering away in her but her tension had eased somewhat considerably.

She surprised me by changing her mood at the flick of a switch; she was suddenly making juice and sorting sandwiches for the girls, I strained my ears and heard nothing, my gut told me they were close now, but that has something to do with Jaspers call predicting their arrival at 1300 and I know I didn't get chance to tell Bella...

"Why are you making these now, they will be curled by the time they get here?" I questioned looking at the clock and seeing 11.30 an hour and a half to go.

"They just entered the valley" she said as she spun round to get the jam spoon from the draw.

"Excuse me?" I asked shocked and questioning, I mean there are things she can do with the ingested venom that a human cannot but this.. _This is new_.

"I see them they have entered the valley", I looked at her suspiciously "Ok I see four dots in my head, I know who's who, four together, that's them" she said.

"So you see Jasper and Alice?" I questioned.

"Yes, and you, Carlisle and Edward who's NOT at his cabin as he said, I can even see Emmett and Rosalie back in the UK if I need to" she waved her arms in the exact and general direction everyone was. It unnerved me a little and I needed to talk to Carlisle about this development. "Esme, I can see when danger is near me, that's kind of why I get pissed when no one tells me when you send me away"

"Bella" I said taking a breath "How long have you been able to do this?" I asked uneasy at her ability to hear the car on the road before I can.

"hum, I don't know for sure I've been aware of the dots since we had that power cut and the big storm in England when we were without electric for a few days, I got board and was playing with my shield, I was trying to lift it to see if Edward could hear me but It didn't work, he just thought I was constipated" I like her nervous laugh but I was not laughing. A human should not be able to control such things. "I was hoping if I could lift it off me enough for him to hear me, I'd be able to lift it so he could bite me when the time's right, as it is I can't and he won't be able to get past it, the last time I was at the cabin told me that, I was trying so hard not to shield myself, I was so close to but he was his bad self and I saw a red dot where I normally saw his shining one and I didn't need to be told or warned, he was not my Edward."

"What do you see now?" I asked, calmly and curious.

"Carlisle and Edward are together I don't know where exactly as I don't know the location of the hospital but Carlisle is not one for skipping work, and the four in the car are following the road far too perfectly not to be them." I just looked at her as the noise of the car engine came clearer "I was wondering how I managed to shield the girls so well when I was not near to them and found I can do this at will, its a great game to play with Edward, there is very little I can get away with but this is classic, verging on Emmett's level of humour" she was positively beaming with pride that she could confuse Edward, which I have to admit is something to admire but..

The car got nearer and I could hear them singing and automatically made preparations for their arrival my head filled with concern and worry about this new ability of hers, not that it was not amazing but it was something if Aro got hold of, it would not take much to make her bend to his will if the safety of the family was in question. But then after what they've done to her how sadistic is her mind when it comes to the Volturi?

I didn't get much chance to sort myself out and be the calm ever loving mother everyone knows, Jasper was onto my emotional state as soon as he clapped eyes on me, a quick conversation while Bella hugged and welcomed her children home was all we needed, Alice's face went blank as she focused on a vision and Jasper hugged me to a calmer state telling me it was alright and we would all talk tonight when they were asleep.

I was suddenly afraid for my family again, only not thanks to Jasper who helped me hold it together for the rest of the day.

Supper time came and went and Bella when with Carlisle to his study to talk. We heard them discuss her thoughts and feelings on various maters, Carlisle called Edward and me to the study and we continued to talk about options for the girls, the time ticked by and we were all there two hours after supper and the children were sound out on the floor above us. No agreement on time was made except that once Bella was clear to have the implants removed when she was ready. The children could be operated on and yes there was a risk but we would be there to support and help her, them both as it was decided not to make any changes till after the wedding Bella wanted them to have one memory of a happy time and the wedding and being bridesmaids was it. Edward agreed that this was the one thing they both desired more than anything else, to be princesses for the day.

While we were discussing options for the girls Edward leant back against the wall and put his arms out across the book shelves, Bella instantly flipped out, yelling at him to put his arms down, he didn't react fast enough as she passed out screaming "No" on the floor at his feet.

She came round soon enough and hung onto him like a scared little child, she kept saying "I can't let them get you, I can't, I can't", when she settled thanks to Jasper, Carlisle and Edward asked her questions on what happened, Jasper was nodding and shook his head as she told lies to hide her real fear, when she finally broke it was worse than I feared.

She buried this fear for years, she thought it was a lost cause and idol threat when she found out Edward was dead so she forgot the lessons Aro taught her. The memory of what he intended to do if he found her with us was triggered when Edward kissed her head the way he held his arms out to welcome her to the car, the crucifixion pose, I shivered and clung to Carlisle as Jasper relaxed Bella enough that she spoke freely without fear, as she spoke, I saw that each of us in the room vanished periodically from view as she spoke of us and what Aro would do, she was right he would not need them to be onside just be where he can touch.

Aro'd read their thoughts and get what he needed to know from that, it was the idea of my family caged to a wall seems impossible, we can break through virtually any metal with some degree of success, Carlisle and Edward argued as much with her, I've never seen a human push a vampire back to the floor before, they did not fall willingly she was fired up and using the shield to knock Edward to the floor when he laughed at her explanation, it was shocking to see the power she had, at first hand other than her hiding people.

I wish he hadn't I did not want to hear how we would all be wall mounted in the form of a cross, held to the wall by our ankles, knees thighs, hips waist chest, neck, forehead and again down our arms, as much as we can sit motionless for hours and days it is uncomfortable to be restrained in the way she mentioned. Bella would need her shield which we know is fuelled by Venom. She told us that she would have to feed us if she was permitted to leave her room, as that's where Edward would be, on the wall over looking her bed, to feed the newborn vampires they tested the system on she had to fix a ladder to the wall below the arm and climb up with a pitcher of blood and feed them that way.

She said she'd do that till the day she died, or could not lift the pitcher, whichever came first, and she'd be left to rot and turn to dust before Edwards eyes by which time we would have no chance of escape...

"Aro is threatened by you" She said turning to Carlisle, "He is afraid you'll be too powerful, use the talented vampires you've attracted, he sees you as a threat to his authority and he wants you under his control, I don't know what you want but I don't think it's to be ruler" Carlisle shook his head to agree with her on her thoughts.

"We want to live in peace, be who we are and be left alone to live our lives" he said confirming his belief and his vision for his coven.

There was an exchange of heated words from Edward to Jasper before Edward shouted at Bella "What are you planning to do? He will kill you"

"I will do what I must to protect those I love, I cannot live with the reality of that nightmare, it made me so sick when he told me over and over again what I'd been practising, to know that I didn't use my gift to protect my family, which is what you are to me, you've protected me from so much, I can't sit back and do nothing, Aro knows that and he knows I will do anything to keep you safe, he knows how much I hate the idea of never being able to touch you, and he won't think twice to use my children as collateral"

"Is that why you've been so confused about the girls future, knowing when we have visitors and your night walks to the walls in your sleep?" Edward asked shocked and gently her nod confirmed and she broke down again, curled up shaking in his arms.

"Enough for tonight, Bella's tired and should rest" Carlisle said, but I know that look in his eyes he needed to feel me in his arms as much as I did him, just seeing how closely intertwined Bella and Edward were, we all needed that now, to know that if Aro finds us that an eternity not touching the man I love would break me, to see everything and do nothing is too much for me, let alone a human, poor Bella she's held this for the last three days? Lived it already and knows the deeper implications of her choices for her children, it was never so much a case of them being unwell, her subconscious knew they would be used to entrap us all, were they to live.

"Alice will see if he..." Jasper said as he gained a handle on the situation, lifting his head from his wife's hair, we were all soaking as much of our mates in as possible, the idea of not being close was, hard to handle.

Bella shook her head, her tear stained face raised to look at Jasper as she tried to find her voice, Edward snapped back at him "No she won't, she didn't see the abduction nor did she see who was behind Victoria's Army till it was too late, he knows how to get round Alice" Bella smiled a painful smile nodding and mouthing 'Sorry' we all heard her whisper that and felt the hammer hit as reality came to light.

Such a strong child she is, such a brave human to hold the weight of this knowledge for all those years. Edward managed to get himself off the floor and carry Bella to their bed, Carlisle and I did not leave his office, we fell to the couch and stayed there close. Shock at the latest revelation reverberating within our heads as we let the sound of Bella's tears flood our own emotions, she at least had that release.

Living annihilation of the coven I love was not an option, we will fight and fight to the death just as we have so many times before, and won. Poor Carlisle, he never lost his respect of the Valturi, this hurt him, to know that those he called friends have such distain for him and our family purely because we do not want to live as animals.

Carlisle listened intently to the muted conversation from the room down the hall to us, Edward is finding it hard to believe what he's heard and Bella's pointing out the reality of the situation to him, I understand now how she struggled with knowing we were in her life again at the beginning, she is scared of the possibility of living under his constant gaze unable to help or have her private human moments conducted behind a closed door.

I am glad the Children are asleep and dreaming away, their deep laboured breaths are soothing us perfectly, Alice and Jasper went off out for the night, I've no doubt the emotions everyone is giving off are too much for him.

Tomorrow is another day; we shall see what happens when the sun rises.


	32. Seeing things Differently

Chap 32

Edwards POV

I don't know how to handle what Bella's disclosed, I am angry and ready to tear the Volturi apart, but that would not do any good, my last encounter showed that they are stronger than I am and it would mean my death and that of my family for sure, I am powerless to protect her knowing the future or at least a possible one, it has been decided that this will or may happen, it is up to Alice to warn us of their return to this country and the danger that imposes, just the thought of being so close and not touching Bella is torturous, so much worse that the years I've endured away from her.

Worse as it hurts to watch her pain and not sooth or comfort, as it was it took Bella a while to get off to sleep tonight, I took to sitting on the couch humming to her as she tossed and turned trying to get comfortable and relax, she joined me, curling up like a child falling asleep on my lap, I understand her clinginess and stubborn reasons for holding on to me till she's too cold, not one of us tonight can resist the need to be close to our partners, silence rains in the Cullen Home tonight, all but muted whispers from my siblings and parents and the heart beats of the humans, I see clearly their thoughts and dreams. I focused on the dreams of my sleeping wards, their abstract delights as they drifted in and out of memories and plans for the future a stark contrast to the minds of everyone else in the house.

I'd kissed her so passionately when we got to our room after the discussion when I pulled away her lips were swollen and she was noticeably turned on, as was I but I refuse to give in to that need, as hard as I am and as painful resisting is tonight I won't break my vow. Instead I sooth the swelling lips with my fingers as I cradled her.

Nothing was said before sleep took her and I carried her to bed. Watching her as she sleeps and repeats familiar patterns of movements and words, before tonight I thought they were one of many nightly ritual of her sitting up and reaching out, if she was not awake enough to reach for the drink, or just mutterings of her thoughts, her love and need for me, these are with this new knowledge, physical embodiments' of the final outcome.

I scan back at the nights I've watched this pattern play out, hearing her disjointed and out of context words and phrases; they all have meaning and reality to them now. How could I have found them so amusing just a night ago, she's reaches for my bound form, expressing her love and echoing my need for her from my barren nights devoid of her. Bella is human how can such a creature contain and survive such torture, I understand her resistances to have us back in her life.

In their minds I see them question and give in the same as she has, even as vampires we would not leave our family, our loves for personal safety, we would rather die together.

I wrapped myself in the heated blanket when she sat up for the fourth time and let her cuddle back into me knowing the blanket would at least radiate back some of the heat my body was sapping from her so I could hold her longer before she shivered. Satisfying my need for her comfort.

Without thinking my soul and mind spoke out to her ear "I can't lose you Bella" my thoughts continued the words I so wanted to speak 'to watch, to have you feed me, to not feel your touch, I can't do it, I can't live without you close to me again' I moved my arms to encapsulate her where she settled, a little calmer now she was warm and breathing my scent in. She muttered her love for me, which warmed my heart sending a warm rush through me.

I followed her lead and breathed in, letting her essence and warmth envelope me, calm my mind and I felt the tear that was rattling around in a panicked state settle to a gentle vibrate. My body relaxed as she settled herself into me, I turned the blanket up when she started to shiver with my chill, I've become well practiced tempering the heat the blanket radiates so she's not cold nor too hot, tonight the thought of not having her touching me was as hard to contemplate as the opposite happened when she first curled herself to me and I first experienced the power of touch from the one you love, what a night, I knew I was hers forever at that point, she was not repelled even in her sleep.

Never one to not surprise me, her mind had obviously settled from the horror of the earlier hours, well before she started to rock, I could smell desire within her as her hormones flooded her scent, replacing adrenalin, I was quite used to this movement but tonight I had no resistance or desire to move away, not tonight, my need for her was more than obvious as I moved with her, allowing her dream and movement to fill, absorb and guide me, as much as I refused to give in and take my love passionately till she was mine, but for now and other nights she rocked like this I let her guide and teach me, soothing my fear of hurting her or worse.

As the final hours of the night ticked by and Bella settled from her dream a little ways from me, giving her space to sleep peacefully where I could watch over her. My mind returned to our first night together, knowing a wedding date had been agreed and when I'd get to taste my Bella for real. My old worries at hurting her are still present, but they are diluted by my need and desire to be hers and provide her with what she so obviously needs, to share our passion properly. Is properly the right word? Not if you remember what I am, a monster.

Me the man wishes he could soften his stone exterior, wishes she were like me where our flesh would feel soft and warm next to each other's not how she feels to me, soft fragile and a heat that burns, I know she feels ice cold stone when she touches me, I gained this from my many victims as I touch them before I killed, the idea of being intimate with Bella, fills me with such warmth, such concern.

I get flashed images of when Beatrice slid on the rocks when we were walking as Dartmoor last October vacation, the grazes and burses she and Alice sustained on the hard jagged surface are not what I want to give Bella, I'd rather mark her with my scent, a demonstration of my passion for her not mark her physically, I want to share with her the euphoria shared at times of closeness by so many humans and vampires alike, how that would be for us I do not know.

I will need to soften her somehow so her skin's more malleable in comparison to mine, but how and could I bring myself to make love to her while she's human, the arguments for and against are sitting equally within my mind, I know I promised and its a promise I have no intention of breaking, I just don't want to break her, the woman who makes me whole, who makes my life feel like it's just started.

I continued my internal argument as the sun rose, red light hitting my skin as it shone through the window, red and yellow reflections bounced off me to Bella and ever surface in the room. She looks beautiful and in spite of her pallor and heart beat she was still, restful, life less. How can I resist the call of my love? How can I witness her dead by my doing? with no more heartbeat and no more flush of colour which as if on cue flushed her pale face as she came out of her deepest sleep and started to surface.

Before she took her first sharp intake of breath that marks her wakening and before she opened her eyes, a twinge of fear hit me as the pattern she follows every morning was delayed by a fraction of a second, a second enough to make me scan her for vital signs not relying on what I knew I could hear and what I saw as I tuned into her heart beat and vein pulses, scanned the minute changes in her pallor, my breath held till her ample chest rose and she turned over a sure sign she was alive, I breathed again. Laughing at my very human nature, my panic ended, she's alive.

When she was awake enough for me to ask if she'd go for a walk, there were things I needed to ask that could not be done within earshot of my family and the children.

I got a nod and a warning not to go too far, "I don't want to go to the cabin, it was too far, I want to stay close to the house and the children, not to day Please?"

How can I resist but to stay within her hearing of the house would mean my family would hear us so I exercised some of my well practiced compromising skills. I wanted her away so I could have answers to questions that were buzzing around in the heads of various family members at one point or other last night, they wanted answers too but it was not for them to ask.

I has my own list and I knew Bella would not answer any knowing full well that were heard. She was far too careful for that. I wonder if her reason for not going far was not just her need to know the children were safe but also so I'd not ask the questions.

We left the girls with Jasper and Alice, at the stables to say their goodbyes to their ponies, I stopped by a large rock that crossed the stream that ran down the mountain, the sound of the water would drown out our conversation at this distance yet I would be able to hear if we called back if someone shouted.

"Bella" I asked sheepishly pulling her hair through my fingers feeling the fibbers and textures of her as I watched the light catch on each one catching the odd gray strand that was interwoven in her locks glisten with the residual signs of venom in the dead strand, as she stared at the water looking at our reflection and of the sun behind is bouncing off me, the image was perfect she radiated like the pictures of the Madonna, with is such beauty I found it hard to speak but i needed to know "Why did you not tell me this was the nightmare you've had repeatedly?"

she whispered horsey as of her voice would not bring sound to the words "I was afraid"

"Of what, you know..." I wanted to say 'we'd protect her' but after what I've heard and what I know of the Volturi there was no way we could if we tried, which I know we all would try, regardless of the outcome. She finished my sentence, she knows more than she should, she has experienced and knows so much more of our rulers than Carlisle ever thought possible, his knowledge is vast but Bella has a whole new insight into aspects Carlisle never witnessed or was aware of during his time with them, this could be that they've changed but he's not so sure...

"You know you can't protect me, not from them, from Jane, Felix and the others... it would be pointless" she said leaning against the rock in the manor that screams she's given up, I pull her close to me, cradling her against my chest and not that rock, I needed to feel her next to me and feel that I can support her not that cold hard rock, but me the man that loves and adores her.

"you should have told me all the same" I said to her ear, breathing her in more for my support that hers.

"Why? and have you all jumpy and watch full? Your less than human when you're on your guard, poor Alice gets it in the neck if she's not seen developments.. and I.. I want to sleep next to the man I love and have you there because you want to be not because your protecting me, its like tying to sleep next to the kids at Christmas, they are twitchy and ridged listening for the bells of the sleigh till they eventually go to sleep and even then they fidget, I can't sleep like that because I react to your moods, I feel the danger ooze off you" she shook her head denying the reality of it all, and she was right. I would be on guard and jumpy, I hold her softer so I can move faster without taking an arm or her head with me if I move suddenly.

Bella is quite relaxed about the future of the Volturi coming for her, as she said she's had a lot of years to get used to the idea, she's lived in fear but then realised that it was the fear of it that was keeping her prisoner, I was shocked that she'd accept the fate, it was not till she reminded me that this was after she thought I was dead so the force of Aro's thread was diminished, its back now as she knows what it means... but what can she do.. she has to live with what happens.. to be fearful would destroy her strength to do what needs to be done...

I don't like her candid replies we are talking about the Volturi here and she's flippant and jovial even though the adrenaline and heart beat scream her worries, I don't like it that she said she has her shield now and that she can protect herself and her children if they come while they are alive.

She can protect us too I am fully aware of her abilities and I hit the rock next to us breaking it in two. I get so angry when she says these things. I don't want her too and I don't like the idea of her using her energy on us, on me.. She has always wanted to protect me, way back she begged me to change her so she could help fight Victoria's army.

I am flattered that she'd think this way also frustrated at her persistence.. The full force of a mother's love for her children and those she loves, the full effect of human nature, just as our humanity causes us to protect the children and change our way of living to hide what we are from them at home, a place where none of us ever thought twice at moving at speed or through the sun light, we are on egg shells and none of us mind.

I love my Bella but I am worried for the future.. As is my family, they have been in touch with Emmett and Rosalie to update them and come to some kind of plan of action should they ever arrive.

But we can sort that when Bella and the Children are sleeping, for now the sun is up, there is a light cloud covering and I can heard the trucks of the cars being closed as time draws closer to when we need to leave for the airport. I wish I could stay here with my love, hidden in the trees, surrounded by beauty and with the woman that brings meaning to my life.

Thank you to all of you have read and reviewed..

sorry its a while between posts but.. life is has a habit of being in the way...

Remember I don't own the original characters.. I hope you enjoy my take..


	33. The First Step Back to My Old Life

The First Step Back to My Old Life

Bella/Emma POV

When we finally arrived back at our place in England, my worries over telling Edward of the Volturi's final plan and his reactions were as I predicted.

He checked all the doors and windows many times a day, he joined me in bed so much later than I expected, he would wake me as he climbed in as he was over careful, My hyper awareness to Vampires was back, triggered by his stealth manor, which shocked me awake most nights as my heart rate shot off the scale and the adrenaline surge made me nauseous, made worse by his chuckle at the more than human reaction, his apologetic cuddle was not always enough to settle me and we'd end up talking or him humming my lullaby till sleep took me again.

He didn't always cuddle me in the way he once did, you know, tight and close like I'd vanish in the night. He'd taken to gently draping his arms over me so he could leave quickly, I hated it as much as the stealthy movements, I was on edge all the time, when I was once lived blissfully aware of what might be but came to terms with the plan facts that I could do nothing about Aro's return.

Edwards reactions mirrored mine the first months after my previous wedding, when Aro gave me his warning. I was protecting what I loved, which was my unborn child and its father Charlie, he thought It was pregnancy hormones and irritations that meant I did not sleep well. It made me smile to remember that.

Edward and I eventually came to an agreement when I'd had enough of his movements and ways. he'd sleep on the covers so not to disturb me but in contrast his stillness was eerie, almost the opposite. It was like a restless child when we use to all sleep together in my big bed on Christmas Eve a few years before I met the Cullen again.

Knowing he'd proclaims and confesses his love for me daily it is hard to wake with him sat on the chaise or looking out the curtains. His smile was pain filled which made me worry but he denied anything to be concerned about, using every trick he had to make me mellow to his will, like that worked... I knew him too well. He finally confessed to my night uttering's having more of an effect on him as I'd express more about my time and conversations with Aro than I'd said face to face, my fears of being back at the castle were quite raw with the children heavily on my mind.

Another thing that happened during the first week we were home. And slightly lighter which was good all round 'I think!' was Alice she'd found the letter we sent her, lord knows why it took her so long to find unless Ian posted it late as always, her constant calls were a distraction to the nightly angst as it felt like we were permanently on Skype to her discussing her plans and her idea's, till she and Jasper announced they were on their way to us to get started.

The last conversation with her was weird but it was hard to decipher if it was Alice or something else that made the tone of her voice appear urgent, no one else in the room heard it or acknowledged it when I asked.

I love my life now, I have no idea how I coped for so long being Emma Graham a single mom of two from a rather disjointed family, Life was sweet, OK the nights are fractious but today was a typically relaxed lazy Saturday afternoon, it was hot, muggy and slightly cloudy with a storm brewing for the evening from what Alice said and the end of August everyone was just... going about their own thing and all was well in the world.

Alice was upstairs in the spare room she'd set out as her workshop. The birdsong and peace of the afternoon splintered occasionally as she cussed and moaned at what she was doing and the lack of help! That was kind of ironic as she yelled at everyone to leave her alone to get on, so every time she yelled a smile came across our faces as we all ignored her, knowing full well it was safer this way.

Jasper was on the back porch in the shade reading Huckleberry Finn to Beatrice, I'd fallen asleep listening to his accent that fitted the story perfectly as I lay on the sun lounger next to Edward partly hidden by the droopy branches of the weeping willow tree, when the sun came out from behind a cloud it would bounce off what little of him was exposed but it was hard to tell if it was reflections off his skin or the dozens of hanging spinning mirrors and mirrored bead strings Alice and Rosalie helped the girls make and hang from the branches Last winter to help make the tree less scary for them after reading them the books about The Children of Green Knowe, today was one of those days I wanted to bottle and keep forever.

I woke with a jump to the sudden, loud scream from little Alice, followed by her giggles and playful sounds emanating from the tree house, she and Emmett were playing lord knows what but it sounded like they were pirates at one point, they watched Swallows and Amazons at the local theatre and the kids continued to played the story out, this included Emmett who became a very good John or Roger as the game required.

I looked round at the scene before me, clocking Emmett smile in the direction of the house where I found Rosalie had joined Jasper and Beatrice on the porch, she was sat in a rocking chair, her sewing box next to her and a pile of school uniform and other clothes, she was sewing name badges in the school uniform, and finished the alterations to other clothes, she was a vision of her dream human life. It was nice to catch glimpses of the Cullen's as they let their human sides out fully.

Every face I saw was content, relaxed, and radiantly happy. It was one of the best days, one of many that made me feel right to be Bella again.

The natural peace of the afternoon was shattered by Alice's vision, every one of our relaxed content vampires edged, there was an unnatural sense of calm as they masked the change in status, there were no words, no sounds just to the aware, something changed in all of them yet to any human nothing changed at all, Jasper did not stop reading, Emmett and Alice still played loudly and Rosalie was still sewing.

I noticed the change in Edward first as he shared her vision, his body tensed so there was no movement from him at all, he'd turned to stone as he and the others reacted as Alice went deathly quiet, her singing and humming of Disney tunes stopped and she dropped something heavy by the sound of the resonating thud.

You could count the mili seconds it took them to flip back to what they were doing as if nothing had happened, if you're in tune with them enough you notice the pause before it all resumes normally.

After kissing my head Edward left my side to go to his sister. It was not till the children were in bed that night I found out she'd seen a car crash on the motorway, this sadly meant a cancelation at the church, with whatever Alice had seen before she came over, the church was now available, it would push things even tighter and would have nock on effects but "there was nothing for you to worry about, all would be fine, we can cope with anything" Rosalie said as she walked past me patting my shoulder. "The wedding will be weather and people perfect."

There was of course an air of sadness for the family whose loss was our gain but the news was joyous as Alice shared the new details of a day.

We had three months to set everything in motion, it was like a mad house with Alice in charge, everyone had jobs to do, one morning I exited my room on route for breakfast and heard Alice bumping and banging in the spare room, I heard a ripping sound and then another, I could not follow Rosalie who rushed past me and entered the room to see what was up, the door bell went with a delivery and the sun was streaming onto the front of the house.

It was the delivery of wedding stationary I called out to Alice who by her reply was calm again and I could hear both Rosalie and her discussing some options as I passed the stairs. No sooner had I placed the box down in the kitchen, as Jasper reminded me about the breakfast Alice had prepared, another 'healthy fruit Salad', the girl has me eating like this to help improve my complexion and cleanse my body .

When I turned back from the fridge with the bowl and the glass of freshly squeezed orange juice to take my place at the empty table I found the stationary was out all over it and I had nowhere to sit, the three males in the house were no longer static watching the game like zoned out junkies watching a pattern of smoke from their pot pipe, they were sat around one end of the table, all I saw was their upper bodies and a blur of hands as the pile of cards and envelopes became a couple of neat piles of envelopes all beautifully hand written and stamped ready for delivery in the time it took me to finish my salad while I perched on the kitchen unit.

I placed the fork down and was ready to make a move as Rosalie entered the room to get me for a fitting, she sent the boys off to post the letters, sent me to wash as she loaded the dishwasher giving Edward time to be out of range of the house while I tried on the dress.

Ok to all of you who are reading this, I thank you and apologise for being so slow to get this chapter out, this is just part of the next few which I've spit off and posted ahead so you have something to read, I'm working on the next couple of chapters which I'd like to make sure are perfect or as perfect as I can make them seeing as they are the chapters most of you are eager to read.. I don't want to disappoint.

So hello to new readers and please review, say anything.. my main question throughout is why are you reading this and what do you like..

A whole hearted Thank You...


	34. Dresses and Nuptials

chapter - 33.1 - I don't own the original characters, they have one owner and we all know who she is..

I hope you like this chapter it was hard to write and get how I'd like it to be... to describe what's in my head and do justice to the scene.. reviews would be nice - Please..

enjoy

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Dresses and Nuptials

Emma/Bella POV

I'd not been allowed to enter the room let alone see it till now. As I entered I saw the manikin in the centre of the room covered in a pink cotton sheet, brilliant white cotton reels and tiny beads were neat and tidy on the little table next to it. I asked cocked my head over to Rose to whisper about the ripping as she bustled me in the direction of the on suit to wash and was told by Alice who replied "not to worry all was fine".

I walked out the bathroom to find Alice wearing one of her proud smiles and swinging expectantly as Rosalie held my shoulders, Alice reached out and with one flick of her wrist the pink cloth shot up so to my eyes it hung in the air for a moment longer than it should like a huge pink cloud, before she brought it back to her side with another flick of her wrist revealing a beautiful white satin dress...

I looked at it for a few seconds, unable to take it all in at the speed of the vanishing pink, it was truly beautiful, I was speechless. I walked round the dress my memory flashed back to me, images of the dress she'd created for me all those years ago and then it hit me as a smile as big as the world came across me.

It was the same dress... The very same dress as before, I now knew why Rose was holding me so affectionately as I wobbled on my feet and sat with a thud on the chair they'd scooted into place as my legs went from under me as tears of joy flowed at the sight of the dress that was so close to being worn so many years ago and the painful memories I'd forgotten reared their head.

Both girls were on hand with a box of cleanex as I blubbed, I was half expecting them to tell me to get a grip like other times my emotions got the better of me, but not this, they sat with me hugging me as waves of deeply buried emotion came to the surface.

When I got a grip of myself and was capable of standing I walked round the masterpiece afraid to touch it as my eyes scanned each section noticing the train, I think was a little shorter than before and a couple of extra panels had been sown in the back next to the lacing panel for the corset section to accommodate my new size and bust. Alice took my fingers and spun me away from the dress when I went to check it was real.

"Come on slow coach, change" Rosalie said to me as I took it all in, and tried to squash the memory of being taken again before I salted the silk. I stood in my underwear with my hands over my boobs after Alice had removed my bra. I guess I'll not need that then!

The sound of the dress going over my head, and the feel of the bellowing cloud of silk encompassed me again as it touched my skin and I vanished from view, my sisters helped lower it into place, I was not hidden for long but in that short space of time I was transported back to my bedroom in forks and I giggled as I heard Alice telling me to go to my happy place as the last of the skirt was straitened and the dress pulled into place over my lumps and bumps ready to be laced, it felt like being home, such a over use of that word but to feel the satin and Egyptian cotton lining fit as smoothly next to my skin as I remember, I was home, it was one of the final sketchy memories I had of my time in Forks, the final fittings of Charlie and myself that Alice did, one of the lasting memories of my dad in a tux, looking every inch as hot as Renee used to describe him in their early years. I loved the feel of this material and this dress next to my flesh.

As my face emerged I had tears in my eyes, I was suddenly back to the now, in my spare room, surrounded by my current life, old the memories and feelings seemed to remain within the confines of that material induced time warp, my body was encased in their history, I belonged in the dress but I did not feel I belonged in the dream.

I did not look half as young as I did when I was eighteen for a start and for a second I was in pain as my heart went off on a sporadic panic attack, right at that the moment my head crowned the dress it felt wrong to be marrying a seventeen year old, someone so handsome and young as Edward, we, visibly at least to me did not match.

The girls thought it was the joy of the wedding and beauty of the dress that brought me to tears so I went a long with them, praying I'd not let on, praying they'd not be so caring and understanding of my stupid human brain and its inability to see the world in anything other than black and white. I was laced in before I knew it and turned slowly to face the mirror..

"Open your eyes Bella" Alice said, I focused on the girls who's hands were clasps in a joyful sweet pose, not knowing if this was their lie or... so I looked up at the dress in the mirror... Oh My! I was Bella again, ok an older version with face implants, YUCK.. But I felt more like who I was in that moment than I had in... Well does it matter? All my worries about marrying someone younger than me were gone I was eighteen and looked as hot as hell.

I could see that Alice had pulled the waist in to fit my new shape and the added extra panels were so skilfully hidden now the dress is on you could not tell it ever was ever made for a slimmer girl, with the back of the dress laced up it pulled my belly flat, I had curves again and in the right places for a change and a cleavage to die for, I looked amazing.. My sadness was gone with more tears this time of joy and amazement and the location of my breasts.

Chatter was pretty much for the next five minutes was purely discussing their height and location as they appeared a bit like a table in front of me and I sure as hell could not see the floor, let alone my feet. Rosalie was in her element teaching me how to bend, sit and move as she so rightly pointed out to Alice if I leaned forward to talk to the children in the way I normally do, there would be a wardrobe malfunction.

A couple of lace alterations by the feel at the back of me and I sunk down to a more manageable ballooning and the chances of boob outage were minimised. I have to say I looked and felt so incredibly sexy an the dress that once made me looked like an innocent virgin awaiting deflowering, with mere hints of what lay beneath in its lengths.

Both girls nodded in approval at the adjustments. Alice headed to a pile of Shoe Boxes. "You're a miracle worker Alice" I said when words finally got past my stunned lips. I turned to see the back and how the material floated down over my ass not clinging to any of the deeper scars that clothes of a light nature tended to pucker and get hooked on, it felt like cotton next to my bum, I've no idea what Alice has done to the inside of the dress, I didn't get the chance to ask as I heard her say.

"I know" and hand me a pair of shoes that made me question her sanity. "Wear these in, an hour a day should do it" she said with an air of authority and no nonsense.

"Heals?" I said as she and the shoes vanished under the dress, I was glad I still had Rosalie's hand as I found I was suddenly lifted up and on tiptoe. Once I'd got my balance and looked in the mirror the difference in my posture was incredible and I looked... well ... more WOW.

Rosalie had it in bang on and dam near read my mind when she said. "He'd struggle to hang on to his second thoughts before the honeymoon" I liked the wry smile on her face, I knew exactly what she was thinking, partly as I'd been thinking the same only I was a tad more graphic..

I liked the relationship I had with Rosalie this time round, she loved my children as if they were her own, it was as if she'd found a way to accept me for who I am and my life choices, OK not all of my life choices she was still not keen on me wanting to join them but she is pleased that I am not wanting to be changed till at least the girls are no longer in danger of me snacking on them, I've mellowed in my age she says.

I blushed so deeply, she was so right, Edward the virgin would not know where to look or go first, the dress had been masterfully cut so the eye was drawn to "Show all your best bits" as Alice said "I am good" she chimed.

My middle was corseted and gone but after half an hour like this it was complaining. When I was out of the dress Alice gave me a corset to wear to train my body to get used to the feel of it, there was a request for me to wear it but seeing as it was on me and tight before she'd finished her sentence I guess that this was fate a comply and there was no time to discuss as the boys were back from their extended post office trip which I've since discovered was also a hand delivery route too.

I suffered and struggled with this thing for the rest of the day but from what Rosalie said rather snidely it was not even half as tight as the dress was, but It's steel boning and lack of padding made it stiff and awkward unlike the dress which was whale bone which Alice had softened the ends.

I wandered or should I say shuffled about the house in the white satin high heels, while Rosalie went to get the Girls from school in my place, she seemed to take delight in my inability to go with the shoes and corset, I'd managed to bag/ get the first two days of the new term and Alice's first days of School but lost from the moment Alice placed the shoes on my feet.

The sight of me in the training corset had Edward stuck fast in his chair for longer than normal, his newspaper a permanent feature on his lap which made Alice and Rosalie chuckle and there was a lot of nudging and winking going on till after the kids went to bed, I felt bad for the man and his perfectly natural reactions. He was stuttering all over the place and found it hard to hold my eye while he spoke, resorting in trying to read the paper but never actually turned the page, it made me want to defend his innocence from his siblings jibs.

Ten in the evening and bedtime for me was hell for both of us, Emmett's wolf whistling and the snide remarks were very much below the belt as Edward raced to join me, I'd guess he was at full speed as he sped from his chair to my side going on the time it took me to kick off my shoes at the end of the bed and with one shoe I was alone, the door still closed and by the other free from my foot he was stood beside me looking sheepish and rather helplessly needy as he smiled.

He laid tiny kisses on my shoulders as he moved to unlace me, they were so soft and gentle I was tingling with need myself by the time I realised his kisses had become playful bites with his lips and the corset loosened, I liked it, as he stood real close pressed up behind me something he'd not do when aroused, not do ever if I recall correctly, oh baring that time when he first took me to his cabin, I think that was it for being this close.

I looked up as I hung on to the door frame to watch in the mirror opposite us, his reactions and softness, I liked watching him when he was like this but in the corset it was hard to turn, as I watched him breathe me in and pick at my skin I felt his teeth, I refocused on his mouth and saw my skin pinched between his pearly whites, and felt his tongue lick at the pinched flesh, he was as gentle and playfull in his way nothing but human in his mannerisms but all of his sent my shield and skin reverberating with pleasure.

I watched and felt the controlled growl build and leave his lips as his teeth lifted my skin very noticeable that time, drop it and run his nose up my shoulder and settle in behind my ear, he was acting as if he was unaware of my presence, especially when he opened his eyes and saw me looking at my shoulder smiling as he didn't leave any marks he was so gentle but his actions and reaction to me watching got me asking questions.

His speed to which he backed off and went back to being flustered of etiquette land, not quite sure where to put himself as he'd been caught off guard or something. I was mildly amused as he bumped into things as he turned to cover his embarrassment; he was very Frank Spencer, a hapless character from the DVD's I'd got Mother for Christmas about six years go.

We'd need to get the door frame fixed now but that was the least of my worries. He said! He was in control, he'd got carried away a little! But it was all out of character. It took me an hour till he finally said he felt a need from the monster within, but not in a 'thirsty' way! The Monster was not wanting to drink he was not interested in my blood just.. he could not explain it but he promised to explain when we were alone.

His eyes when he finally met mine before he turned out the bedside lamp were dopey and drunk, I watched him as he made a visible efforts to stop himself touching me, I knew he often sat on the chaise when he was aroused to keep some distance between us but he made no move when I thought he would, instead he kissed me deeply and buried his ice cold head in the covers next to my shoulder, gripping my night shirt as if he was clinging on for dear life, his words of apology and self chastisement were quiet but it was noticeable to my ear as he curled next to me.

Two months rolled by, the Wedding plans were going full swing, Bands were announce at the local church, replies were all back, either from Alice's seeing people decisions or via the post man. As each daily thud on the door mat got heavier, I found it hard to see my name Emma Graham on the replies; it was like witnessing a stranger marrying my love, The Cullen's were so adept at changing from calling me Bella when we were alone to Emma when the kids or family were about it was seamless I didn't really notice.

Alice came to my rescue one morning after Jasper left the kitchen for the Garden when I opened the post as Edward was out "working" (hunting) she so gleefully pointed out, there would be plenty of weddings to come and the next one the paperwork will say Bella Swan, she said "not long now" in the middle of her flourish, it was not so much the words just how she said it, it sent a chill down my spine, partly thrill at the idea of finally being a vampire so he didn't have to be so VERY careful but the knowledge that the girls would not be a part of my life and those three words hit my heart hard before she finished with "any how he's only had eyes for you."

I had a feeling we were not rushing to be wed for our benefit. That evening Jasper sat next to me in the front room as Alice explained having had Esme and Carlisle suggest I was told, I think my reaction to Alice's comment had gotten back to them, I knew I needed to know, and I knew it was soon but I don't want to know which child, the idea of losing one and then both of them is scaring the hell out of me.

My views were agreed to and Alice held back on the name of which, all I wanted was to focus on the here and now, 'the wedding' and having my girls attend their mothers wedding and have a lasting memory ready for when things got bad..

One afternoon couple of days later I watched as Edward joined Emmett working on the garden following Alice's detailed instructions which were taped to the fridge door for all to see. It was like his return from his hunt spurned the arrival of every wedding related trade, the marquee people came made final measurements and a couple of days before the wedding there was a huge Marquee covering all of the lawn from the flower beds at the base of the steps from the back porch to a meter of the tree house, our weeping willow tree had to be trimmed back to accommodate the width, Back in the yard the plastic roadway company had rolled up on rainy afternoon with a full lorry and left empty with it all down on the field to the back of our rentable accommodation, and a pile of car park and other signs greeted me by the back door one morning as I headed out for the school run.

So much activity in the final weeks it was hard to know what day it was. I'd not planned to have a hen do, I didn't want one, not after the last time and seeing as Edward was not going on a stag hunt, it was a relief to him that I'd made this choice for myself, the stress vanished from his face in an instant and he fell to my side as if a mill stone had been lifted.

All I wanted was a nice quiet meal and a good film with everyone, a quiet send off as a Graham before I was back to being all me again. The idea of celebrations and getting drink and all that pink fluffy pervy and loud strip club lark with a few rented males up in Blackpool, was not what I wanted this time around, it was mental, embarrassing to think back to the first time, the whole affair shocked the hell out of me to have to lie my way through an evening under the gaze of those that know the other Emma. And that was all the old Emma life was, flirting and sex. The New Emma, Me, Bella wanted a peaceful safe, sober and kidnap free send off.

My hen doo wish, once voiced went down well with the Cullen's, but not with my cousins, if ever there was a time for a stupid family row this was not it but it seemed my hen doo choice kick started the bitchiest row of the year.. I thought the debate over uncle James's New Years announcement that he was off to get himself a Thai bride was enough to beat my choices, for as long as I could recall everyone thought he was gay which caused some commotion amongst the purist ranks, but I'd got used to that kind of two facedness in the family..

What I had not realised was I was so comfy with my new family who unlike my previous in laws, I'd avoided as best as possible but for their grandchildren, it was very obvious the changes in me. This whole feud has kicked off without my knowledge over how much time I spend with 'the pale faced sisters in law', How I'd let them watch the kids when I didn't let my family take them, there was a jealous tinge to everything from then on, I'd also forgotten that most human's shy away subconsciously from vampires unlike me who fell in love with one as Emmett pointed out one particularly bitchy day when the answer phone was a tape of expletives. I'd been away and in the Cullen bubble for so long and being Bella again I'd forgotten how vindictive they can be.

Two weekends before the wedding Alice with Rosalie, were so busy with final fittings to the kids dresses, the bridesmaids etc she did not see what my cousins had planned, they were "not a threat" just spiteful, snappy bitches, both Alice and Rosalie had seen their fare share of these kinds of people in there years repeating high school, the comments were like water off a ducks back, and silenced quickly when they wore the latest must haves, attitudes soon calmed.

My cousin Brittany's man Richard car pulled into the yard one afternoon, mum got out with and a couple of Aunts to "help" We all knew as it was planned for them to spend time with the kids so Rosalie, Alice, any one of my family who wanted to join us and myself could "go out" well we didn't get to go out we were kidnapped, blind folded by Richard and bundled into his car and driven to Wales of all places.

I was furious till Alice said in a whisper when she fell onto me as we sped away from the Cullen Men who came out in a very human fashion to see what was up, stalled by Alice I guess and their ability to chat and not be heard by us humans, she whispered "its fine go with it, it will be a blast, Trust me!"

She was not wrong, it was different to the normal loud and girly nights out they all enjoyed, this was tree climbing with walking through the canopy, hunky men were involved which could not be counted out but these were in the form of very fit instructors. It was different I have to say, the last time I was this high in a tree I didn't have a harness and a guy named Jason checking my ropes and straps winking his eye each time he said "your good to go love" slapping my ass as he sent me off to the next tree, I missed my vampire hero, without him the ropes I walked shook like there was an earth quake, it was near impossible to take a step at first I shook so much as the obstacles got more complicated before me.

Alice must have heard my cusses, in fact I know she and Rose did, my need for Edward to hold the dam Arial walk thing still, she said the lads were close by and pointed with her head the direction to look, and there sure enough Jasper, Edward and Emmett, dressed in military green's springing from tree to tree at a distance watching our every move, Alice and Rosalie were also keeping point and tabs on our surroundings, their actions made me nervous and I slipped a few times till I got a handle on the height and learned to trust the harness which did not feel as safe as Edwards arms.

Tired, sweaty and a little grubby our stop off at the local pub for food and refreshment turned into a typical all evening affair, it was a blast, everyone got so hammered and the walk back to the cottage that was hired was crazy with various people having to stop off for a pee behind the stone walls, most of the men we passed on route were accosted by someone or other, Brittany took a shine to one young lad in the pub, she vanished with him and came back smiling from ear to ear.. She was such a well... that was Britt for you.. It was totally wild.

Alice, Rosalie my sister, and I crashed out in the same room, sharing beds, As soon as my sister was asleep, thanks to Jasper who was leaning against the window of our room watching his wife in that soft and loving manor he has, it's always like I'm intruding when I see that look but to be honest all the Cullen's go goee eyed over their partners when my kids are out of site.

The cottage was eventually calm, quiet and filled with a little extra hush, I fought as hard as I could against it as I watched my sisters in laws vanish from their bed out the window, and Edward at my side, he carried me to the now empty bed under the window, he curling me in the bedding and hummed my lullaby, after he first chastised me for being so stupid for going on such a dangerous activity.

The last comment I recall hearing was how my bum looked in the harness, he massaged my aching muscles and kissed my feet. I asked he'd cool the burn where harness rubbed; I guess the kiss to my nose and lips followed by a repeat of the lullaby was a no. The laughter I heard from Emmett and the words I caught I guess he gave Edward a hard time over that refusal. It was nice being in Edwards safe arms again, my body was still swaying from the rope walk, aided by the beer which was swimming about in my head making staying awake hopeless.

I woke up, hung over, a little disorientated as I was back next to my sister. That was a shock as I opened my eyes expecting to see Edward, I rolled over to see Rosalie and Alice in the bed Edward and I occupied both "sound asleep" they deliberately overslept to miss breakfast, not that they were the only heavy sleepers in the cottage. Anna and my two of my cousins, Brittany and Jackie were still sound out on the sofa and airbed.

Typically and just like all our family get togethers they were in the middle of the only communal space, while we all moved about making breakfast, with them blissfully unaware of the games we had trying to find places to sit to eat around them.

As we were driven home I was jibed and reminded of the big day ahead, I was suddenly taken by nerves as I passed the village where I was dumped as Emma. My nerves were not the prospect of getting married, but for the possibility of Aro, his ability to turn up when I thought all was well. He did before my wedding to Charlie, I'd blocked it out of my memory to the point that he was referenced to family as the eccentric weirdo who happened to be in the same hotel as our reception.. All the same his words, their physical presence and warnings are screaming in my head as if it we yesterday, I felt sick, and no it was not the beer talking as everyone thought..

The dawn of the big day came as the sun rose bright and high in the morning sky, streaming in on to the carpet at the foot of the bed, I'd spent the night alone, 100% alone, unless you count the cat who curled where Edward normally lay purring constantly. Edward was ordered not to see me by mother who locked him out, so he kept guard outside my window, having officially squeezed into the accommodation Rosalie and Emmett occupied with Alice and Jasper.

Mother arrived last night, she wanted to make use of the Edward free space next to me to stay up chatting all night but thankfully Rosalie has a way about her that always makes her move, especially when she reminded her that I needed my beauty sleep and commented on my bags under my eyes. I didn't sleep well, my bags were all too present when I went for my morning ablutions, the absents of my night guardian was very apparent and it reminded me of my first months at Voltara. I'd gotten so used to falling asleep with him next to me, but tonight I was also afraid of being taken again.

I think the only person to know this fear was Jasper, I heard him and Edward talking outside the window, normally they are quiet and I hear nothing but tonight, Edward knew what Jasper was feeling and they had an inanimate conversation so I could hear them close by.. It kind of worked to settle me but not enough and Jaspers effect was not working on me either as I must have been shielding myself without realising it.

The day officially began with a knock at the bedroom door and breakfast in bed, brought to me by none other than my clucky mother, with no one else in the house but Carlisle, Esme and the girls this was a great distraction for her so not to see that Carlisle and Esme eat or not as they fussed over the girls and their morning routeen.

Our morning chat was disturbed by the smoke alarm and the smell of burn toast and bacon from the in laws residence, angry voices were heard over the alarm all yelling at Emmett, again another ruse and distraction for the humans now arriving, my father pulled up with a car full of family and the first batch of children to be made ready, mother and I watched the drama unfold from the landing window as the Cullen's filed out and family from the car stepped in to assist take suits and dresses to air them further down the porch away from the smoke.

So human even my mother commented on Emmett's ability to burn food just to get a MacDonald's, I think he's done this at least twice and come back with empty Mc D's bags and cups, for us to hear Rosalie cuss the choice of menu.

Slowly car by car various family arrived to get ready, they deposited their gifts and overnight bags and hung out in the marqueed garden and house till it was time to head to the church. I watched Edward and the boys leave from the crack in the closed curtains, he stole a final glance up before as the car rolled off the yard and down the drive, his eyes sparkled and his radiant smile fortified me just enough to return to the dressing table and wait for Alice to apply her magic.

Alice sure was not taking any chances of me being seen and waited for the last moment when my mother who'd not be able to keep her thoughts to herself would let the image of my dress out, Timed to perfection Alice and Rosalie were on hand with my makeup and hair.

Esme produced a hair clip Renee and Charlie left it in the Cullen house when the wedding went from a calm day to a missing person search, it was not clamed back after the search for me was called off, they were told to keep it, I had a feeling them not paying for anything towards the wedding was playing on their minds, it would be the kind of gesture Renee would do. I very proudly wore something from my old life, something Old and Blue as mother said as she saw it when she came in before she left after getting herself ready.

Mother joined Emmett in the waiting limo to take all the children up to the church and left us to finish getting ready. Finally Dad and I left in a horse drawn carriage for our short route over the common to the church, it was perfect in the midday sun.

The church was amazing, I had no nerves the second I walked through the door and clapped eyes on Edward at the front, He was every inch the picture I'd carried in my head all those years, tall, proud looking hot as hell in his morning suit, buttonhole and gloves, his face was beautiful and so full of love as he turned to watch me walk down the aisle, the joy that shone from him was so bright I could not help but beam back and I felt my father pull me back to walk in time with the music and I felt I walked a little taller with confidence oozing from me even in these stilettos Alice insisted I wore.

The aisle was short in comparison to some churches but it felt endless as row upon row of Emma's Human friends and family lined one side interspersed with people Bella knew, I saw Seth sat squashed in with Sam, Emily and the children Brady and Ian shared the pew with Ian's family, bridging the divide across the flower strung aisle were vampires, including the illusive none love of his life Tanya, If felt a little out of place for a moment as I passed the stunningly beautiful and immaculately dressed relatives from his family, but that all vanished as I focused on Edward, gasps and Aws at the children were drowned out by the site of the man I was about to marry.

I don't remember much of the service, or saying my vows, they were the same ones we agreed to all those years ago, all I remember was the bright amber glow from Edwards eyes as they melted into mine, his radiant crooked smile and the feel of his ice cold hands on mine, warming me with a reassuring squeeze and holding me steady and upright as I went to jelly when he placed his ring on my finger.

As soon as it went past my knuckle and slid into place it was like I'd been reborn, I was no longer jelly I was his, finally and officially I was Mrs Cullen. No longer Graham, or Swan, my first solid tangible, step back to living the dream and life I'd held onto all these years, was finally allowed to flourish and see life, and the Volturi had not screwed it up this time.

If I could have grown wings and looped the loop I would have, nothing went wrong, no one stopped the service and as I glanced back down the aisle, following the line of the intrusive photographers lens, as he pushed it over the top if the rather short reverends shoulder to get a shot of us and our friends and family, as I looked the clouds outside parted momentarily filling the church with shafts of bright sunlight each beam went over the tops of the heads of Edwards family and landed masking faces of Emma's as the camera clicked away.

I could almost imagine Renee and Charlie stood back there in the sun light, the only faces not hidden were that of my Cullen family, representatives of the Quileute tribe and my mate Ian who were sat close to the front, the children were surrounded by their friends and cousins, which was their life.

God had a hand in making today uniquely special; none of the Vampires had to hide at that moment what an incredible memory. A tear fell from my face as we turned and followed the vicar; Edward caught it as we knelt before the high alter and God, with everyone's eyes averted in prayer he took the tear he'd balanced so carefully on the end of his finger watching the light dance within it and with a wink to me ate it. He leaned into me and whispered "you taste and look amazing Mrs Cullen" I blushed scarlet, just as the reverend turned to bless us I had to avert my eyes, I was overwhelmed with emotion again. "I feel like I've come home" he added as we headed to the vestry to sign the register.

Members of my/Emma's family sang a couple of beautiful love songs as we shuffled around signing the documents having more pictures taken. The human very rude belligerent photographer friend of Alice's took the pictures as we stood in the shade of the church tower for the official wedding photos, as directed by Alice, he asked for us to step forward to leave to catch the pictures of people leaving the church and with a nod of Alice's head saying it was OK to walk, the heavens darkened and the sun went behind a cloud, just as the church emptied to the sound of his camera echoed off the stones, the cloud cover offering clear passage for all to make their way out of the church and back to the house.

It stayed cloudy all afternoon but we got some amazing pictures I stole away on a bathroom break with mother and we peeked in to view them on the laptop which was set up in the living room, the photographers aid was scanning the pictures and adjusting them for a projection show later on, Alice was masterminding that and was in her element with the assistant.

I saw the pictures taken in church and two in particular caught my eye, one of everyone in their seats framed by our arms and another which Mother refused had Edwards and my arms framing the scene again but everyone who was important to Edward and Me was in view, none from the lie of a life I'd lead were on show.

Our wedding lunch which was stunning, I was not a part of the catering choices, I'm not sure who was in the end but there was no one left hungry, the buffet system seemed to have worked, Rosalie had been sending the children to us with the odd plate of food, which we shared as we stood talking to guests most of the time, it was great at hiding Edward not eating.

I saw food enter his mouth a few times and got the impression he chewed and swallowed, but in reality he'd taken food, made it look like he took a bite before feeding me with the other half or all of it, he'd also taken a trick from me and was feeding the children when they came over.

It was such an incredible afternoon. The speeches made me cry, such heartfelt words from Esme and Carlisle, Emmett's best man's speech, well he needed a little more censoring as there was a neon light of a hidden meaning in everything he said, he has such a filthy mind, which went down with the male members of my family.

I felt a twinge of sadness, as Emma's father recount tales of her growing up and the way she/I changed after the accident, Emma was mixed up, with no one here other than the vampires, Quileutes and Ian knew I was really someone else. Eventually Edward stood pulling a wad of envelopes and telegram's from his pocket, there was one old looking one that caught my eye as he unfolded the well worn pages, and read the message announcing it to be from another guest who could not attend.

I searched my mind for who it could be from? The paper looked old, the handwriting looked familiar but without seeing it close it was hard to nail down as Edward kept moving it about in his hands nervously. Words of such love and pride, it made me smile and cry along with everyone in the room it was more of a speech than a letter and applause erupted as he said Uncle James, as gun hoe and stuck in Thai Land with his bride, as he was, Emma always had a place in his heart even after her accident he found time for me and didn't judge my choices or changes in my mannerisms.

The band struck up and everyone moved aside cheering as Esme and Carlisle took to the floor for a dance, Edward handed me the paper. It was not from Uncle James, it was my Father's speech from all those years ago. He leaned in to me holding me close as he said "Sue found it in Charlie's suit pocket when they were clearing the house, Billy passed it on to Carlisle before he died in case we found you."

There at the bottom of the page was the words 'love you Bells, I always will' Edward omitted and edited bits of the letter along with the other parts, It was like having Charlie here with me as I read, it hurt to read as I scanned his scribble, frustrations at me vanishing, visible in the crumpled marks which had obviously been ironed out as best they could at some point.

I was glad he handed me the letter but it was hard to control my emotions till Jasper came and wished us congratulations with a kiss and hug, which started everyone else doing the same, his kiss was not just a kiss of congratulations his ice cold lips to my cheek delivered a humongous surge of control, that pushed my sadness aside, his hug held me upright while I wavered at the full force of his ability before he took the letter from me and handed it to Edward hissing at him a little before I was passed on to the next in line.

My mind reeled with the words and sentiments I knew it was pure Charlie, he'd made a last minute edit to the speech, and that was all there for me to see. Such a gift, a message from my Dad, Alice Smiled at me as Edward tucked the letter back in his pocket as my mother rushed over and dragged Edward and me away from the crush of well wishers to the floor with our first dance, the first of many and the first of the rest of my life.

* * *

Honeymoons coming -


End file.
